Humility
I've done wrong and I need a confessional. I need to confess that not only am I wrong, but I'm sorry to the offended parties involved regardless if it's dirt off the shoulder. It's a matter of principle and in order to learn, I have to face it.
Last night I became all the things that I preached against. I became the biggest hypocrite to her for accusing her of basically being weak willed and lacking self respect. After I dropped her boyfriend off and was in the middle of taking her home, she had a scuffle with her boyfriend who made outlandish remarks which threw her into a state of confusion and rage. I've never seen her more enraged by anything since I've known her. "We're done", she claimed with tears in her eyes, after throwing out a barrage of insults towards him and his mannerisms she finds distasteful.
I was confused by the exchange because it seemed the night had went well until some cold shoulders were put in play. As I was driving her home, I felt a knot in my stomach as she was unleashing the fury. I wish things didn't have to be that way. I felt for her, and thought that she didn't deserve that kind of rude treatment. I hoped things could be resolved, but with every text message, with every insult, it seemed futile. I told her I'd drop her off and told her to call me when she was ready.
"I'm ending this right now"
I got a text message around 5:00AM, about an hour after I had dropped her off. I was already stressing over the fact that I had to work in the morning at 11:00AM. But I went and got her. As she got in the car, I noticed a tranquility that was present in her. She told me about everything that was said before, so I wanted to know what happened. She explained the situation. They got in each other's faces. She got angered and violent. She ran out and he chased her down the road. Then, something that ate at me because I couldn't understand it: peace and guilt. They worked it out.
She sat in my car like a wounded dog after a battle...quiet and docile. I asked a barrage of questions. Then, like a madman I accused her of being weak. I started attacking her boyfriend for being so rude and indirect. I told her of all the self respect she told me she had been working on and gained in the gauntlet that was Gainesville, where she had gained her chops, were out of the window. Was she not the oppressed? Was she not the one who was verbally sucker punched being slandered by her boyfriend? And there she sat, taking it all in and feeling sorry for herself - something that I've never seen because I expected the fury to swell back up in defense of the situation.
That's when she claimed she was everything I accused her of being, and when she did, I felt ashamed of adding insult to the injuries she sustained in her battle.
She had gotten smarter and wiser, but I was too hot-headed to realize it until afterwards. That night on the way home, she showed me a sense of humility - self-aware humility that just made me look like an asshole for what I was saying. What good is insulting a person who already is disciplining themselves for their actions? What good are insults at all? And why did I, of all people, have such vitriol for the situation?
It was because I still love her and it kills me that I was never given the same mercy and chance at longevity. I was jealous that nobody has ever put the effort she put into them, into me, and she was my one and only, my muse that got away. I see that effort and fascination she has for him and it translates to a bond that the more I think about poetically, the lonlier I feel and the more I feel like what they have is bigger than what we've had.
But that care and mercy, as much as it made me a monster, is a noble virtue that I had always preached and will always preach. "If you were in his shoes", she said. Touche. She won the game that I created, and it hurts and I am ashamed for ever being less than myself. I lost sight of the golden rule.
I dropped her off and couldn't look her in her eyes. She scratched my head, and told me not to worry. I told her I haven't lost any respect for her. I lost respect for myself. If anything, I've gained respect for how she handled the night, after the big fight.
She was the bigger man than me. She wasn't weak, she became stronger.
On the way home as the sun was coming up and the sky was getting lighter, I sent her messages apologizing again and thanking her for being the bigger person.
Good luck you two. If you can get through this, the sky is the limit. I'm sorry I ever insulted you behind your back. And to the other, thank you for showing me mercy, even though I threw all of my principles out of the window. I value one of you as a friend. Please be nice to her and don't hurt her. You're a good guy. To the other, you're my soulmate. I will keep trying my hardest to uphold my principles so that we can all get along. I assure you, I am not trying to jeapordize your relationship or am trying to take her back. You two are cute... I just really wish I had the same. It's hard to smile through the lonliness, through seeing you two kiss and hold hands. Besides last night, I've done pretty good at being a gentlemanto you two, eh? hah...
....
...
...
...
sigh.
Last night I became all the things that I preached against. I became the biggest hypocrite to her for accusing her of basically being weak willed and lacking self respect. After I dropped her boyfriend off and was in the middle of taking her home, she had a scuffle with her boyfriend who made outlandish remarks which threw her into a state of confusion and rage. I've never seen her more enraged by anything since I've known her. "We're done", she claimed with tears in her eyes, after throwing out a barrage of insults towards him and his mannerisms she finds distasteful.
I was confused by the exchange because it seemed the night had went well until some cold shoulders were put in play. As I was driving her home, I felt a knot in my stomach as she was unleashing the fury. I wish things didn't have to be that way. I felt for her, and thought that she didn't deserve that kind of rude treatment. I hoped things could be resolved, but with every text message, with every insult, it seemed futile. I told her I'd drop her off and told her to call me when she was ready.
"I'm ending this right now"
I got a text message around 5:00AM, about an hour after I had dropped her off. I was already stressing over the fact that I had to work in the morning at 11:00AM. But I went and got her. As she got in the car, I noticed a tranquility that was present in her. She told me about everything that was said before, so I wanted to know what happened. She explained the situation. They got in each other's faces. She got angered and violent. She ran out and he chased her down the road. Then, something that ate at me because I couldn't understand it: peace and guilt. They worked it out.
She sat in my car like a wounded dog after a battle...quiet and docile. I asked a barrage of questions. Then, like a madman I accused her of being weak. I started attacking her boyfriend for being so rude and indirect. I told her of all the self respect she told me she had been working on and gained in the gauntlet that was Gainesville, where she had gained her chops, were out of the window. Was she not the oppressed? Was she not the one who was verbally sucker punched being slandered by her boyfriend? And there she sat, taking it all in and feeling sorry for herself - something that I've never seen because I expected the fury to swell back up in defense of the situation.
That's when she claimed she was everything I accused her of being, and when she did, I felt ashamed of adding insult to the injuries she sustained in her battle.
She had gotten smarter and wiser, but I was too hot-headed to realize it until afterwards. That night on the way home, she showed me a sense of humility - self-aware humility that just made me look like an asshole for what I was saying. What good is insulting a person who already is disciplining themselves for their actions? What good are insults at all? And why did I, of all people, have such vitriol for the situation?
It was because I still love her and it kills me that I was never given the same mercy and chance at longevity. I was jealous that nobody has ever put the effort she put into them, into me, and she was my one and only, my muse that got away. I see that effort and fascination she has for him and it translates to a bond that the more I think about poetically, the lonlier I feel and the more I feel like what they have is bigger than what we've had.
But that care and mercy, as much as it made me a monster, is a noble virtue that I had always preached and will always preach. "If you were in his shoes", she said. Touche. She won the game that I created, and it hurts and I am ashamed for ever being less than myself. I lost sight of the golden rule.
I dropped her off and couldn't look her in her eyes. She scratched my head, and told me not to worry. I told her I haven't lost any respect for her. I lost respect for myself. If anything, I've gained respect for how she handled the night, after the big fight.
She was the bigger man than me. She wasn't weak, she became stronger.
On the way home as the sun was coming up and the sky was getting lighter, I sent her messages apologizing again and thanking her for being the bigger person.
Good luck you two. If you can get through this, the sky is the limit. I'm sorry I ever insulted you behind your back. And to the other, thank you for showing me mercy, even though I threw all of my principles out of the window. I value one of you as a friend. Please be nice to her and don't hurt her. You're a good guy. To the other, you're my soulmate. I will keep trying my hardest to uphold my principles so that we can all get along. I assure you, I am not trying to jeapordize your relationship or am trying to take her back. You two are cute... I just really wish I had the same. It's hard to smile through the lonliness, through seeing you two kiss and hold hands. Besides last night, I've done pretty good at being a gentlemanto you two, eh? hah...
....
...
...
...
sigh.