The POSITRON

May 16, 2008 15:30

Oh my god, the heavens are opening. Swirls of chiaroscuro clouds congregate like a roman orgy of tapestries. A small cloud turned into as rabbit and drank the vitality from the moon. Then it glowed brighter with happiness and poured itself out of the sky. The moon continued orchestrating the symphony of marble robes. I watched the doorway moon for a long time. The clouds left for the horizon and it felt like the loneliness of friends leaving for good. Goodbye friends. But then the stars took over the show and projected to me the best movie I have ever acknowledged. It was the best movie I have ever felt and connected with because it was a movie of myself and a movie of the universe and a movie of myself as part of the universe and of myself being the center of the universe and myself above the universe. Every scene was profound and connected somehow with every past experience (and then, maybe some experiences I have yet to have?) but my speech wouldn’t let me interpret all the answers and file them in my memory bank. They were liberated. I realized some wisdom are best left for the stars and cannot be obtained in real life, for when you do, the profundity is gone in emotional spirit when it still remains in a logical mind in a logical world. I looked for the time. Only fifteen minutes rolled by. Only fifteen minutes in this time-world. It seemed like a timer filled with opal sand that stagnated in the bottlenecked middle or maybe like when a black hole passes through starlight and for a moment time and light slips on the backs of the infinite massed sphere.

Neil brought the strange universe I had never known before with him in a little mint-flavored dropper bottle and in two yellow colored capsules. Kevin told me to prepare for a wild night and I told him that I was over it. But when I saw the smiling faces around the glass table on the back porch waiting for the imminent ride, I charged it. I tasted the mint and broke capsule bread with Erek and Kevin. Everyone was now in for the ride. The girls were giggling in anticipation. I kept drinking my beer and walked around the perimeter of the house, which was surrounded by the most beautiful crystalline water channel and flora of all colors but mostly shades of purples. I kept my mind at peace and found distractions from the anxiety of the unknown. The pills made it easy…really easy.

I felt the capsules first. The temperature started acting up and I began to perspire. Then, an overwhelming bliss washed over me. Nothing could bring me down from the happiness I was feeling, and my jawbone did a great job making sure of it with a permanent smile on my face, a lockjaw jubilation that my temples would suffer from later that evening of cosmic experiences. Walking started feeling like gliding. Kevin and I glided over to a little bridge that connects the small island we were on to US-1, the backbone that connects all the islands together. There we stood and stared at the wintergreen water that gradated into a copper purple below a pink lemonade sun that was halfway set into the horizon. Then, the lights started trailing…
And patters started to separate and multiply…

(Dude, let me put on your sunglasses. Let me get the purples. Oh, purples…)
And I started looking at the world the way one does a 3-D eye poster. That was the point when patterns, textures, and fractals of light came alive.

We glided back when the world was too much to handle in that location. Fish-eye lenses replaced my normal vision and the world tunneled away beyond my peripheral vision when I was I motion. I found the CD I had compiled a mix onto on the tiki bar porch table by the swimming pool. The moment music poured out of the stereo, my senses fell in love. The chord progressions were her hips and breasts and the clicks and beeps were her message. The most profound thing about music is the way changes in frequencies changes the architecture of everything including the process of how one absorbs music through their senses and processes it. The bubbly LFOs are like the expanding waters on a still pond. The pitch bends controls how one perceives time progression. The repetitive drones of trance and shoegaze white noise (which was now separable instead of one streaming block of squallish noise) was the chugging train, The POSITRON, of which I conducted and danced uncontrollably so in its clutches.

I was the conductor of the POSITRON, reminding everyone to not ride the NEGATRON into the abyss of one’s insecurities and anxieties. I told everyone to ride out the 8-bit steam train rollercoaster made out of Nintendo colors which every time you said “POSITRON” it would appear in blocky flashy text that flew in from deep behind the stars. This was my galaxy express, and everyone hopped on the same wavelength. I gave them my energy, my aura, my spirit, my wisdom and kept the kinetic energy going. When I would get too bewildered and frozen in my chair, I fed off of my friends’ kinetic energies to replenish my own. This would maintain the brotherhood. This would keep our souls in a bouquet.

(I say “POITRON” now as I stare off into the stagnant skies filled with clouds lacking personalities, but the train doesn’t come around anymore. This mundane life…)

We congregated, separated, congregated, and separated again and again. A few rooms had laptops set up displaying visualizations and playing music. In these rooms we sat and stared and laughed and said a few phrases that would mean nothing to anyone who wasn’t riding the POSITRON, but we all just knew, you know? We just knew and laughed some more. Most of the time, that is, in fifteen minute increments that felt like somewhere between forever and not long enough, we sat and stared at the warping colors on the screen and moved to the music. In one of those sessions I fell in love with the cerulean sounds of Halcyon, my digital goddess that the musical architects, Orbital, designed. She fucked my mind rotten with ecstasy and I cried in joy on the inside, motivated by the mental sugar in those capsules. Then the fractals-

Sometimes we were alone, which wasn’t as good as when we were together as one. The bathrooms inspired claustrophobia. The mirrors in the bathroom showed you who you really were if you stared at yourself long and hard enough. I turned on the television and sat in my room for a minute. Television was too much. I turned it off, dropped out of my room, and tuned into the collective unconsciousness that sat outside in lounge chairs and stared at the skies while trying to decipher moments of revelations in communication we could all understand. I went outside where Erek and Lori welcomed me back on the POSITRON, which they kept running while I was inside. That made me really happy. They radiated the most color that night.

Sean tried to manhandle his experience like he manhandles life. He is all principles, all form, all nobility, all what you should do instead of paying attention to the details of what you are doing and accept that randomness and chaos theory is inevitable and human. On the POSITRON, you have no choice but to go where it wants to go. He holed himself in his room with his girlfriend, and came out days (hours) later to join the group in which his rigid personality expelled rigid phrases like a hero. He told everyone that we’re tired, that our bodies require rest because all spirits need to rest. Erek and I told him no way, we were riding the POSITRON. Kevin muttered “yeah POSITRON” from behind, smoking his 427th cigarette, staring at the sky, and violently shaking his sweaty jaw.

You can go through so many cigarettes and not think anything of it. Kevin thought I was scheming for his dirts. He usually bums me one quite frequently, so it was understood. I told him the only ones I got from him were the ones he’s offered. He chilled out, but I had to bum the rest of my evening cigarettes from his mother, The Law. She retired quickly after eating half of the contents in a capsule of mental sugar. It was a good thing she woke up periodically to check up on everyone as the one person, out of two, to check up on all of us as our sitter. The Law is amazing. Pops is too, but he was fast asleep and slept the whole night through. They remained on the LOGICTRON and everyone was thankful.

Kevin and I sat on the dock for a long time, staring at the reflections of the night-lights in the canal. We blew up for half an hour just staring at all the manifestations that came into view while the music played on. He asked what this was called. I told him it’s called “trolling”. He asked me how I was doing. I told him that today was the best day of my entire life.

At one point, I faced the mirror on the wall in my room. I questioned the mirror, mirror on the wall if I was truly happy with myself. I cracked a smile and trusted my smile for once, a smile that remained for a long time. I’ve never really understood how happy I was before that point. This gave me an overwhelming sense of self worth, and something worth telling the guys outside. By the time I got there, I had forgotten how to explain it.

One by one, we crashed. Erek and I were the last ones, watching the skies turn from twinkly black to cobalt to morning grey. I wondered if I was going to able to fall asleep easily. I closed my eyes to a vision of faint fractal mobiles that lulled me to sleep.

I woke up the next day inside of my mind, trying to understand what I had just been through. I already felt nostalgic of the good times as if they happened years ago. I remembered recording a conversation on my cell phone that we all had around the pool. I listened to it. The profundity of it was replaced by mundane ramblings. The magic had worn off.

I went outside where everyone was seated and having a good time. I was the last one awake. I took a seat by Erek, to which he exclaimed “POSITRON”, and we both had a laugh. Alas, the train had stopped. Everyone looked like they had a good time. Sean was happy about barbequing that day. Erek and Lori were laughing about the night before. Tori and Kevin were back to normal as well. I felt a special bond after that night, one that was only shared by those aboard the POSITRON. I felt like I learned something about everybody in the sum of all my experiences with him or her. It seems like everyone’s id comes out and sings their song in a more natural way that the superficial ego always interrupts as façade in the real world.

I packed my bags and said my goodbyes. I left feeling like I had just been on the best vacation I’ve been on in my life. I missed Halcyon and the little fluffy clouds that rolled by, and spent that day listening to the same songs I heard the night before, on the way back home. Unfortunately, they lacked the depth and the ability to manhandle me from the inside out. On the other hand, the music, along with everyday patters, colors, feelings, words, and so on triggers my imagination much stronger than they have ever done before. I can feel the potential in them. I now know what these lights could do, and I sit watching, waiting for them to show me.
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