Arkham Texts
Diana Abel
Rocker chick with an Liz Phair complex, Diana is amazing. Most people would have given up on their dreams of music after hearing themselves play, but not Diana. And most people would know better to get involved, "It might get people hurt," they might say. But does Diana care? No. Because why should she? At the end of the day, Diana is selfish and immature and she doesn't always care if someone gets hurt.
Alucard
There's a reason he's as charming as a serial killer. But don't worry. You'll love it as he leads you to your doom. Alucard is good at doing that. Just like he's good at convincing people he's harmless. But let's face the facts. In this place, you're either predator or prey. And Alucard is such a predator he wouldn't even need to snap first. Some predators just do it for fun.
Bruce Banner
One of the few doctors we have on staff now. His teeth are much nicer than the last doctor's. This can only mean one of two things - he's not a real doctor and his real profession is a toothpaste commercial model. Or he's gay. That would explain all his time spent with his boys' club. And we all know those guys have blood on their hands. How clean are the good doctor's?
Grace Barlow
Her son is dead. She thinks about him often, and she can't help thinking about death as well. Grace needs some anger to keep going, and this tidbit might do it - her son would still be alive if not for the actions of one person here.
Patrick Barlow
He's unbelievably weaker than Grace. Infinitely weaker in so many ways. Patrick isn't the only one who knows it, Patrick is just the only one who refuses to admit it.
Clint Barton
Must be nice to have a support system around that you can kill with your own hands. How much can a person like that be trusted? Think about it, people. Can teammates really trust someone who's already tried to kill their own teammate? Is that person deserving of trust at all? What else is he capable of?
Claire Bennet
Claire wants to be taken seriously. She wants to be treated as an adult. She wants respect. The saddest thing is that the person she trusts most is the one who sees how gullible she is and takes full advantage.
Bigby
He's here for less than a month, and he's head of security. Did Harry die before or after Bigby got here? Just asking.
Elle Bishop
Elle has been working lately to recover her sanity. People have subjected her to things, you see, and she needs your pity so that you'll help her get what she wants. But she's too stupid to see what everyone else has figured out - she was never sane. She was never whole. She was never her own person. She'll only ever be a puppet, because that's all she knows and all her tiny little brain will allow her to be. She was always like this - a pathetic girl who needs Daddy to show her the way.
Boris
Boris cleans. Boris is quiet. Boris reads. Boris is the ghost that takes care of things but is never noticed. He sees you every day, hears everything you do. But you never notice him, never see him. Never hear him. Until it's too late.
Ruby Bristow
Just like her hair, this girl is a mess. What is she, anyway? Girly-girl or tomboy? Interesting how she's trying to weasel her way into people's hearts and minds by using coffee and a smile. Who even falls for that these days? And now she's starting "coffee deliveries?" I'm not saying she's going to murder you in your sleep, but I'm not saying she won't, either.
Castiel
Sure, he looks like he ought to be living in a softcore porn theater, but that's not the only thing about this guy where you can judge the book by the cover. He also has severe issues with women. The same way Bundy had severe issues with women. The guy's destined to star in his own episode of "Law & Order: SVU." If they let him out of jail long enough to film. Oh, and you know how he's so emotionally distant? What a coincidence - Bundy was, too.
Phil Coulson
Tell me no truths, and I'll tell you no lies. Unless your name is Coulson, right? Coulson knows people's secrets. Always there with a stoic yet wry expression and an open ear, Phil will gladly be the nice and friendly grandfather, the caregiver, for as long as it suits him so long as he gets what he wants. And what does he want? Power. Because that's what knowledge is, isn't it? Power. And anyone who trusts him with that power deserves whatever they get. He'll never let on how much he knows until it's too late. It's already happened here.
Carol Danvers
The most noticeable thing about Carol is the disappointment when people see she's such a girl. The superhero thing is pretty much a joke.
David
Just when you thought it was safe to go to the first floor, you get this asshole. Tony Stark loves the guy. What more needs to be said? The really fun part is how David- Should I spoil this for you guys? Might as well, I'm spilling the dirt on everyone else. Like so many people here, David isn't as innocent as he seems. He's plotting, moving the pieces with more skill than Bobby Fischer. It doesn't matter if you've met him or not. You're a pawn on his board.
The Doctor
If secrets could take on human form and be glued together, they would look a lot like this guy. Or a rooster with very long legs and a suit. But how can anyone trust a guy who's made of so many secrets he isn't even sure he can trust himself?
Alex Drake
Alex Drake is amazing. She's come so far, armed with so little. Guess which secret she's keeping from her closest friend here? And she'd better keep it, too because otherwise her friend is going to drop her like a bad habit. She can't deal with the loneliness, so she fakes it. It'll be fun to see how the lies and secrets eat her from the inside.
Betty Draper
Sandra-Dee is, surprisingly, exactly what she seems. A stone-cold, stuck up prude that no man is going to want. How could he? The only thing she's good for is grunt labor, and not even the fun kind. We all know what's going to happen to precious Sandra-Dee. It's just a question of whether or not she comes back after she dies.
Gabriel
Powerful angel indeed. What do all the following have in common: Alice, Angel, Buffy, Castle, Cordelia, Damon, Elena, Elijah, Kate, Rick, the other Rick, and Stefan? Come on, people. Put the pieces together. And watch the fireworks when Sam realizes Dean should be included in that list multiple times. Think Gabriel wouldn't kill any of them? Think again.
Fun Ghoul
You know that creep who hung out at the back of the classroom and drew pictures of people getting decapitated or disemboweled? Fun Ghoul was a lot like that guy, only Fun Ghoul always had more artistic vision. Anybody remember how he fought the zombie? That didn't look like his first time attacking a corpse, did it. But now he's here! Finding artistry in your friends, finding vision in their corpses.
Peter Guillam
I spy with my little eye, a spy who can't keep secret. When people's lives are on the line, this little spy has no pride. If loose lips sink ships, Peter's going to sink the Titanic. With all of us on board.
John Hart
John Hart would have you believe he's intelligent, desirable, and a bad-ass. Poor John Hart doesn't realize that most people consider him a joke.
Jo Harvelle
You know how people say girls shouldn't play with the big boys? No one says that as often about any girl as they do about Jo. Jo's nearly gotten her friends killed before, but here? It's almost inevitable.
Sherlock Holmes
The great detective is just as useless as the police. Has he found any murderers, any clues about why we're here? No, of course not. Because even the great Sherlock Holmes isn't bright enough to find a way out of Arkham. I'd be surprised if he could find his way out of a paper bag. Surely we can all admit that we're disappointed in his poor performance so far.
Molly Hooper
Molly gets along better with corpses than she does with living people. If you've met most of the people she knows, you'll understand. What's really a secret is what she wears and what she sings while working on corpses. Britain's Got Talent, she ain't. If you want a darker secret, though, how's this- you know all the crying she did when Martin died to save everyone? Everyone thought it was so sweet. All those tears stopped when Bruce Banner showed up. Let's all hope Molly doesn't share Kenzi's powers, or else Bruce's days are numbered.
Gene Hunt
There's a reason so few people like this guy. The ones that do like him? Look at your choices, people. Look at your lives. Gene takes an almost perverse pleasure in breaking bad news to people. Remember the first time he did it? Broke the news over the Intranet and just watched people break down. This is a guy who likes to cause havoc and then step back to watch the tears and bloodshed. Racist, sexist, and what else? Are that any that matter? Ableist, maybe. Point is, the guy's an asshole who would happily shoot most people here if he had half a reason, and yet we trust him with a gun. Not a bright idea.
Ingress
Sweet on the outside, sour on the inside. Just like Arkham likes them.
Poison Ivy
No one needs me to tell them that this woman is off-kilter, nor that she prefers plants to human beings. You might want to take my advice about her plants, though - she feeds them poison. The plants are only good for murder weapons, at this point. Poisoned apples by Poison Ivy, but no one's going to be woken up by a prince, because she'll have poisoned him, too. Oh, wait. You know what else those plants are good for? Tinder for a fire.
The Jon
Good old Jon should hope no one figures out how to reverse the human switch, because there are some people who would love to use him for parts. Even Jon doesn't think that's a bad idea. He knows how many people he's not only killed, but how many he's allowed to die on his watch. So which is it to be, Jon? The death of a tin man or the guilt of humanity?
Ianto Jones
Prim and proper Ianto Jones has nothing to hide underneath that calm exterior. Believe that? Yeah, me neither. But one thing we can all believe? It's always the quiet ones. And you've each noticed something about Ianto that if you followed up on would reveal the mess beneath the surface.
Martha Jones
The doctor's good enough in a time of crisis, but we all know what Martha Jones is really good at - surviving against all odds. How does she do it? She hides. If there are people who need help? What is she more likely to do? Right. Hide. If bad things are happening on campus? She hides. When people need her to step up to the plate and get things done? She hides. Yep, good old Martha Jones takes a lot of pride in her ability to hide. Shame no one else can take pride in being abandoned in their time of need. Oh, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt. She does try. But the minimum amount of effort because she puts herself first doesn't really help other people much, does it? She keeps her head, puts herself first, and hides. Good on you, Dr. Jones.
Kenzi
Even Kenzi knows that all the people she loves die. She doesn't want to admit why, but everyone else has put the pieces together. Who's the god with the golden hat? Loki. Who's the man who never holds back? Loki. But she'll gladly protect her friend/boyfriend/special-and-undefinable-relationship buddy. Because she doesn't think she's special enough for anyone else to be so obsessed with her, so instead she blames herself every time someone she cares for dies. Here's the kicker, though - she's still getting close to people. She might as well take funeral flowers with her whenever she wants to talk to anyone male and hot.
Laura Kinney
Might enjoy killing too much, but at least she always kills the right people. Which is more than some people can say. Isn't that right, Kenzi?
Loki
When are people going to realize that he acts in regard to everything he says and does? If gods (or whatever he is) could get awards for acting, he'd sweep them all before murdering everyone at the ceremony. So long as it amused him, of course. Loki values his amusement above all else.
Greg Lestrade
If he doesn't take it easy, he could have a stroke. And yet the only thing that seems to be stressing himself is the way he's going in circles. We'll likely never know where our missing friends have gone.
Lucifer
Just another typical sociopath. How bad do things have to be when this guy looks like bad-guy lite? Still, his attempts to be bad-ass are amusing, if nothing else. We're looking forward to the beat-down Cara will lay on him. Or Natasha. Hell, Kenzi could kick this guy's ass. During the next attack, maybe Martha can give him some pointers on hiding.
Preston Marlowe
Trained to kill, Preston hasn't only killed enemies. You can fight alongside him if you like, just know that not everyone who fights alongside him has survived it. Preston, you know better than anyone else. How did your bullet end up in your friend's spine? Or did you just say you were friends. I'm glad the money you took out of his wallet made it all okay, though.
Veronica Mars
Little Veronica Mars. She can certainly be annoying, but what she'll never accept is that she'll never be anything more. She thinks she's smart, but look how easily she's outsmarted. Of all the people who are happy Captain Jack is dead, only one of them actually celebrated. Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to Veronica Mars.
George McHugh
If any of you has rejected his advances, you were smarter than the girl who gave him syphilis. It's been untreated for years. Explains a lot about the guy, doesn't it? And yet it hasn't stopped him from eying up the youngest of our ladies. Watch how his eye follows them down the hall. It'll be one of the many ways in which you further lose your hope for humanity.
Donna Noble
Who else has all the information here? She's worked for Torchwood. She's worked for the Dean. She's Type A and not afraid to hit people if they get lippy with her. Back home, she might have been a dominatrix. Here, she's the person who can make sure you get what you want or, more likely, keep you from getting it. Notice that the mother hen act is just that, folks. An act. I know it's a poor excuse for a pun, but Donna Noble is far from Noble. She was more than competent before, but imagine what she'll do when her Time Lord Metacrisis blah blah blah is back. Do you really want her to have all that knowledge and power when you can't even know her real reason for getting it? This should go without saying, but look at how many people around her have died. Doesn't bode well, does it?
Penny
Penny is newly arrived and has yet to prove herself as useless as we all know she is. Take some notes from Martin on how to hide, Penny. Oh, wait. You can't. He's dead. I guess useless people don't fare very well here.
Peter Petrelli
We've got plenty of people here who don't do as much as they could, but none of them are so bad as Peter. But Peter's hiding more than just what he can do for the people here. He's hiding so much more.
Dean Daniel Phillips
If you've ever lost someone - anyone - to this place, this is the man to blame. We've all thought it at some point since we got here. An old man in possession of great power, his predecessor conveniently damaged to the point that he can't even die in peace. The Dean has the answers you want, but why would he tell? So long as we're here, he's getting exactly what he wants.
Cara Quinn
A trained killer with issues. What can go wrong with this picture, folks? Particularly when her friends are constantly dying and coming back. How long can she keep it together? Any bets?
Rabbit
This guy was made to kill people. Sorry, made to entertain people, then retrofitted to murder people. My mistake. And of course, now, he's human. He shouldn't be any threat. Except he's a killer. Could we just take a moment to reflect on how many killers and murderers we have here? Particularly killers who boast about their experiences in wars on the open network, talking about how they slaughtered people with their friends as if there was nothing to taking another's life. And has that part of him really been deprogrammed? How many killers ever stop killing?
Cpt. Reynolds
The guy who looks like Castle but probably can't read, the good captain is obviously a Grumpy Gus. The poor guy is so stupid he still thinks there's a way back home. Maybe he'll learn soon enough - the only way you get here is if you let down everyone who relies on you. Way to let them all down, champ.
Steve Rogers
The cleanest packages have the dirtiest secrets. Steve has more to atone for than steroid advocacy. He's always too slow to save a select few, isn't he? Almost like he means to be too slow or conveniently looking the other way when some people need him. Is it still murder if you merely stand aside and watch someone you secretly detest die?
Natasha Romanoff
The only girl in the boy band. Has anyone else seen a girl throw someone twice her size that far? Don't make any allusions to her freaky strength in front of her, though. This is a woman who can kill as easily as most people snap their fingers. The question is, who has she killed while no one was looking? How did she become the killer we see amongst us?
Harry Saxon
I won't take much time to talk about Harry. He doesn't deserve much space because he isn't capable of much space. He isn't capable of anything, really, though it's cute how hard he tries.
Sarah Simpson
Yet another case of sin of omission - Sarah here could have done things during the attack and chose not to. Hope all the people who died can appreciate it. Oh, wait. No, they died. Not much appreciation there.
Bobby Singer
He knows his days are numbered. There are several ways he could die. Heart attack, monster, or the people he cares about. God knows he's seen them get people killed before. Did he really think they wouldn't get him killed, too?
Six
Trades sexual favors for favors. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, since the sex is so bad, but since she's the only one who does it, she's got the market cornered. Not that anyone is surprised. She'd probably advertise her services more openly, but everyone can see her breasts do the job for her.
John Smith
He's crazy and he's kooky, and his birth is mighty ooky. This half-human metacrisis is the very latest in a long line of beings that will only stick around so long as he's literally stuck. What does it take for him to stay with the people he says he cares for? Getting stuck in their universe without a time machine, of course. Sorry, John, but it's plain as day - you'll happily leave the people you say you care about so long as you can go free.
River Song
Rarely have there ever been a woman so old. How does she keep herself young? We all know how Elizabeth Bathory did it, but we're running low on virgins around here. Oh, but wait. Magic is real here. And River, well. You know how smart River is. Come to think of it, how many of those books has she translated by now? And yet isn't it suspicious how she isn't sharing any of her discoveries? What's she waiting for? Is the acclaim from writing a paper really more important than our getting home?
Tony Stark
Tony Stark, ladies' man. Not as smart as he thinks he is, seeing as how he slept with the same person who tried to murder him, tried to murder several of his friends, and is now picking people off one by one at Arkham just to see the drama that arises. But Tony will do it again, because there are some things he'll always put before his friends and family.
Johnny Storm
Brash and bold, this cock of the walk is a perfect demonstration of a try-hard. Ever since he's arrived, he's pretended to be too hot to trot, to cool to care. Being separated from his family and friends? Why would he care? He's too busy trying to get laid. Because of course Johnny thinks his happiness is more important than anything else.
Harry Sullivan
Why wouldn't any of you want to trust a man like Harry Sullivan? The face, the curls, the voice. All of them say "Trust me." And you do. But Harry has seen dark things in the universe. Which one hitched a ride, Harry? Everyone wants to know what's causing your black-outs.
Thor
Does he give a new meaning to blond, or a new meaning to dumb-as-a-brick? Whatever it is, we've got a super-powered caveman amongst us, and the guy has no qualms about flashing about in his cape. That's right. He wears a cape. It's not even fashion week and he dresses himself in a cape. Oh, and are you guys enjoying his anger issues? Yeah, even as a human, he has those. Enjoy!
The Twin
He's been in Hell so long he refused to believe anyone when they told him he was free. No one has to spell this one out, folks. The writing's pretty clear. He's done so much stuff that we already know he goes to Hell for it. And when he got there, the devil or whatever saw fit to make him a Godzilla baby. I don't know what you have to do for all that to happen, but I know it's got to be above and beyond murder. Twin is so bad even the devil, who generally likes bad things, wanted to punish him for it. What does that tell you?
Rose Tyler
This is a girl who has stumbled on so many answers. She's smart. Dangerously smart. And yet she never says anything. Is it because she hasn't realized how many things she's figured out? Or is it because her loyalties aren't what they once were?
Alan Wake
Alan likes to writes people's obituaries for fun. Even people here who aren't even dead yet. Why? Because he has ideas for how they're going to die, of course. Alan is going to be the next Edgar Allen Poe. He just has to make sure his plans to kill people in grisly ways pan out first. Good luck, Alan! Hey, good luck with your alcoholism, too. We wouldn't want you getting our people killed like you did back home. Remember, if you're going to kill people here, go big or go home. And we really liked that short story we found in your bottom drawer. We never liked that person, either.
Wash
Pale, unattractive, cowardly, ginger. The guy just can't catch a break. Not that he's going to catch any in the future. His past is about to catch up to him.
John Watson
Apparently, some people can be doctors despite all evidence to the contrary. When was the last time this guy practiced medicine, anyway?
Zoey Western
Kenzi Mach II doesn't seem to be a cock-hopper, but she's new and isn't accustomed to the Kenzi ways. Perhaps she isn't Kenzi at all. Perhaps she only looks like Kenzi. Maybe Zoey doesn't have a cursed Kegina. Vakenzia? But young Zoey has a curse all her own nonetheless. Because Zoey is yet another example of someone in Arkham who is followed by death yet does nothing to stop it. She's yet another person who will gladly let down the people around her just so she never has to worry about getting hurt. Selfish, selfish, selfish.
Albert Wilmarth
Our good old professor loves to tell people about secrets. He wants people to believe he has secrets, that he's important enough for them. Most of them are made up, it's true. But poor, unfortunate Albert has happened upon a few true ones. And there are some people interested in protecting their secrets. Poor, poor Albert.
Wade Wilson
Wade's best joke is his cancer. Ba-dum-tish.
Dean Winchester
It's almost funny how hard he tries, only to fail time and time again. His goal closest to his heart is to keep his brother safe. He's failed before, and he'll certainly fail again. Sam already knows, of course. And understands, seeing as Sam has done his fair share of letting people down, most notably his brother.
Sam Winchester
Bearing more than a passing resemblance to Sasquatch, Sam Winchester is famous for two things - guns and shouldering a mantle of responsibility he isn't prepared for. The previous head of Torchwood was capable of keeping everyone together through tough times, but Sam knows full well that he's not Jack Harkness. However, he only suspects what we all know, that he will inevitably make mistakes that will get his friends killed.
Zagreus
Usually, when people say a town is missing their idiot, they're joking. When an asylum says a patient has escaped, they're not joking. In the case of Zagreus, people have said both. And now he's here. Yaaaaaaay.