(no subject)
i miss him. i really really felt like i was getting over it... like i could bear all this... like everything would get better quickly, that everything was improving. but i guess i was wrong. i stayed in tonight and watched "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" with my mom. it was the best movie ever. i dont know if you've seen it, but it was so good. i just felt like i could relate to it so much. this guy is really upset because he broke up with his girlfriend. he finds out that she had this procedure done to erase him from her memory and decides to get it done to himself, as a way to get rid of all the pain and upset hes feeling. the procedure basically just runs through all the memories he has of her and erases them one by one. at first, he feels relieved as his more recent, painful memories of her are being erased. but as the procedure continues, he realizes how much he wants to hold on to the good memories. he realizes how much he really loves her. i dont know if thats a good summary at all, just go see it. anyway... it made me realize how happy mike has made me. for the past few days ive been all bitter, saying things like "mikes such an asshole" and "it doesnt even matter... i dont care anymore", trying to move on. trying to some way make myself feel better. and it was working. id convinced myself that he was a bad person... that i could do so much better. but now i realize that thats all i did... i tried to sugarcoat everything for myself and make him seem like a bad person so i wouldnt miss him. but the truth is, hes not a bad person at all. my goodness, hes the best person. here i am. im stuck. i cant move on. i just cant get beyond this stupid feeling of missing him. i saw him a few hours ago... and i still miss him. i tried to make myself forget all the good times we shared, so i could hold a negitive image of mike and itd be easier to let go. its always easier to let go of something that hurts you. but how many times has mike hurt me? the number is so small next to the number of times hes made me feel happy. hes been the only person to make me feel like im a remotely good person. he used to tell me how he loved me more than anyone... how i was so pretty... how he never wanted us to be apart. he made me feel so happy. how am i going to let go of someone who made me happier than ive ever been? how can i do that? how can i forget how happy he made me? i was thinking that that would be the best thing... to just allow myself to forget the happiness. but now, im not so sure. if i did, in retrospect, our whole relationship would kind of seem pointless. it wouldve been 9 months of unhappiness. when thats not what it was at all. even he admits he was really happy when we were going out. i talked to him a few days ago. i asked him if he was happier now that we werent going out anymore. he said that he couldnt answer that because he was happy when we were going out, but things change... he said that feelings change and its just something that happens. what bull. feelings dont just change like that. this isnt one of those things that just happens in life. love isnt just one of those things. maybe im just the only one who gets it. but these feelings arent just something that can change so quickly. some girl yesterday asked if me and mike were getting back together. hah. who asks that. mike dumped me, and this girl asks me if we're going to get back together. i told her no and she seemed suprised. NO DUH we're not getting back together. he doesnt love me. and im stuck in this hole, im so pathetic. i cant get over it. i cant move on. why is this so difficult? i know the answer to that though... because i cant forget the good times. i cant just concentrate on how sad hes made me... i have to go and remember how happy he made me. and even if i had a choice... even if somehow, i could be erased of my memories of him and our happiness... i no longer think id want to. so im here... comparing myself to this movie. its uncanny how much i feel like i can relate to it. the only difference is they have a second chance at love. and i dont believe mike and i ever will. he told someone yesterday that he doesnt like me at all, in anyway. and im here, on a friday night, writing this, while hes out having fun and not missing me at all.
side note: the movie begins on the exact date mike and i started going out... 2/14/04. weird.