Fic: Pwned
Title: Pwned
Author: Katzedecimal
Continuity: Pre-Flashpoint, post-Rogues' Revenge (don't ask where Piper is, just know that he's not in jail)
Characters: Barry Allen/Flash II, Pied Piper, mention of Wally West
Rating: NC-17 for language ...where by "NC" I mean "nose cola". Not safe for work due to language.
Summary: Flash learns that one of his trickiest adversaries has gotten even more challenging since he died and the world moved forward.
The biggest problem with coming back to life, thought Barry Allen as he stared glumly at the object in his hands, Was all the new technology.
Wally had done his best, he really had. He'd tried to teach his uncle how to use all the fancy remotes and gizmos and the enormous hulking box that claimed to link together the TV, the music and video players, the radio receiver, the game boxes, the... Internet box thingy, supposedly all to make life easier. It was a wonder either of them had any hair left. Now he sat staring at this "Gooseberry" thing that was supposed to act as a phone and mini-computer all in one, supposedly to make life easier. All it had done was make Barry want to lock himself in the bathroom and possibly go back to being dead. That made life easier.
Eventually, Wally had given him the number of a man who knew tech a hundred times better than he did. Rather reluctantly; relations between the two were rather strained. Barry looked at the number, then went back to trying to work the device. Ten minutes later he stared at the number again. If relations were strained with Wally, they'd be really tense with Barry - they used to be foes, fer pete's sake! He sighed and gave in.
After ten minutes of trying to get the thing to dial out, he went out to find a pay phone.
* * * *
Now he sat staring glumly at his knees, across from a man who'd once tried to kill him with a set of bagpipes. The Pied Piper had been fiddling with the device for only a few minutes before sliding it back across the table, "Take this back to whatever well-meaning relative gave it to you, and ask to trade it in for an iPhone."
"You can't figure it out either?"
The Piper shook his head, "It's not you. It's broken. Gooseberry's got good security and good customer service but the hardware is crap. You'll have to take it back anyways, so you might as well get something you can use."
Flash took it back with a heavy sigh, "All that effort to try to figure it out and it turns out to be broken."
The Piper smirked slightly but there *was* a sympathetic glint in his eyes. "Anything else?"
Flash waved an object with a slightly desperate look, "Are you any good with remotes?"
* * * *
About two weeks later, Piper's phone rang, notifying him of a text message from the Flash....
[Flash] You brass stud.
[Piper] ....
[Piper] I'm a what now?
[Flash] Bad ass
[Piper] Coming from you, that's a compliment.
[Flash] You custard!
[Piper] Oh.. oh no. Are you trying to call me a bastard? That's slander, my parents were married.
[Flash] This phone is impassible!
[Piper] You weren't supposed to swallow it.
[Flash] You know what I mean.
[Flash] Do you know how much tribbles I'm in? My wife!
[Piper] You married a tribble?
[Flash] Stop it. You knew this would happenstance, didn't you. You conniptioned me to get this pheromone because you knew it would make a fellatio out of me!
[Piper] omg
[Piper] I had no idea the autocorrect feature was that bad when I suggested the phone.
[Flash] You expectorate me to believe that? After all the stunts you've pulled on me, you export me to believe it wasn't incestuous?
[Flash] incestuous
[Flash] incestuous
[Piper] It's a smartphone, not a Snartphone ;-)
[Flash] I N T E N T I O N A L
[Flash] I don't even want to ask what you mean by that.
[Piper] Just don't tell Wally, it'll give him nightmares.
[Flash] Kermit Piper!
[Flash] Piper?
[Piper] It ain't easy being green.
[Flash] You thermobromide?
[Flash] What does that even mean!
[Flash] Hellokitty?
[Piper] can't breathe
[Piper] I knew the phones had autocorrect but I swear I thought it was like my phone's autocorrect, where it'll suggest a word and you have to tap it to accept it. I didn't know that it just merrily substitutes arbitrarily.
[Flash] It's not just that it submissives, it's what it submarines.
[Piper] Mine tends to Bowdlerize
[Flash] This is the opossum of BDSM
[Piper] omg visual
[Flash] It's sending this stuff to my manboobs!
[Flash] M A N A G E R
[Piper] dying
[Flash] And you explode me to believe this wasn't one of your pussys?
[Piper] uh
[Flash] P L O T S how does it get that from P L O T S
[Flash] Pilots I could underwear but that
[Flash] I can't even text my nicely!
[Piper] Sorry I'm laughing so hard I dropped the phone
[Piper] Well I'll drop dead from oxygen starvation in a few minutes and you'll have your revenge.
[Piper] You can probably blame it on the Joker.
[Flash] I'm not bloomering anything on the jism.
[Flash] jack off
[Flash] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Piper] oh man I almost wish this was a plot
[Piper] Look, just give me a few more minutes, okay? I'm looking up whether there's a way to turn it off.
[Flash] Willy-nilly looked too, he condom fuck one.
[Flash] What is with this phone?
[Piper] Maybe we should just get you an Android phone.
[Piper] or stick to voice calling
[Flash] This is fisting
[Flash] F A S T E R
[Piper] omg
[Flash] I'm not always in a subatomication where it's a good idiot to talk
[Piper] Uh you did get two phones right? One for each of you?
[Flash] For a pretty penis
[Piper] Really Flash, what would Willy-nilly say?
[Piper] I hope you used protection.
[Flash] P E N N Y
[Piper] On the plus side, you could screencap these and post them onto Damn You Autocorrect ;-)
[Flash] not fucking
[Piper] Dude, you're married, remember? ;-)
[Flash] AAAAAAAAA
[Flash] Please tell me you can fondle a way to turn this oaf
[Piper] Not fondling any oafs, I prefer guys with brains.
[Flash] You know what I miniscule
[Piper] You sure you want to admit that?
[Piper] Okay I found it. You can turn it off in the settings.
[Flash] Where do I fuck that?
[Flash] F I N D
[Piper] I'm sure it has an available port but probably a tight squeeze.
[Piper] Great now I'm reminded of the old Bloom County strip where Steve Dallas got his lips caught in a disk drive.
[Flash] I cunt find the settee
[Flash] Look, is it oak if I cum over?
[Piper] Are you propositioning me?
[Flash] NOOOOOOOOOO
[Flash] I'm asking if you can just finger this thong for me
[Flash] AAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Flash] F I X
[Piper] i can't breathe
[Piper] Yeah, it's cool, you can drop by. Waynetech just released a new gadget that should solve your remote problems. I picked one up for you.
[Piper] So you're defeated?
[Flash] Yes.
[Piper] Damn! I beat the Flash and I didn't even intend to!
Author: Katzedecimal
Continuity: Pre-Flashpoint, post-Rogues' Revenge (don't ask where Piper is, just know that he's not in jail)
Characters: Barry Allen/Flash II, Pied Piper, mention of Wally West
Rating: NC-17 for language ...where by "NC" I mean "nose cola". Not safe for work due to language.
Summary: Flash learns that one of his trickiest adversaries has gotten even more challenging since he died and the world moved forward.
The biggest problem with coming back to life, thought Barry Allen as he stared glumly at the object in his hands, Was all the new technology.
Wally had done his best, he really had. He'd tried to teach his uncle how to use all the fancy remotes and gizmos and the enormous hulking box that claimed to link together the TV, the music and video players, the radio receiver, the game boxes, the... Internet box thingy, supposedly all to make life easier. It was a wonder either of them had any hair left. Now he sat staring at this "Gooseberry" thing that was supposed to act as a phone and mini-computer all in one, supposedly to make life easier. All it had done was make Barry want to lock himself in the bathroom and possibly go back to being dead. That made life easier.
Eventually, Wally had given him the number of a man who knew tech a hundred times better than he did. Rather reluctantly; relations between the two were rather strained. Barry looked at the number, then went back to trying to work the device. Ten minutes later he stared at the number again. If relations were strained with Wally, they'd be really tense with Barry - they used to be foes, fer pete's sake! He sighed and gave in.
After ten minutes of trying to get the thing to dial out, he went out to find a pay phone.
* * * *
Now he sat staring glumly at his knees, across from a man who'd once tried to kill him with a set of bagpipes. The Pied Piper had been fiddling with the device for only a few minutes before sliding it back across the table, "Take this back to whatever well-meaning relative gave it to you, and ask to trade it in for an iPhone."
"You can't figure it out either?"
The Piper shook his head, "It's not you. It's broken. Gooseberry's got good security and good customer service but the hardware is crap. You'll have to take it back anyways, so you might as well get something you can use."
Flash took it back with a heavy sigh, "All that effort to try to figure it out and it turns out to be broken."
The Piper smirked slightly but there *was* a sympathetic glint in his eyes. "Anything else?"
Flash waved an object with a slightly desperate look, "Are you any good with remotes?"
* * * *
About two weeks later, Piper's phone rang, notifying him of a text message from the Flash....
[Flash] You brass stud.
[Piper] ....
[Piper] I'm a what now?
[Flash] Bad ass
[Piper] Coming from you, that's a compliment.
[Flash] You custard!
[Piper] Oh.. oh no. Are you trying to call me a bastard? That's slander, my parents were married.
[Flash] This phone is impassible!
[Piper] You weren't supposed to swallow it.
[Flash] You know what I mean.
[Flash] Do you know how much tribbles I'm in? My wife!
[Piper] You married a tribble?
[Flash] Stop it. You knew this would happenstance, didn't you. You conniptioned me to get this pheromone because you knew it would make a fellatio out of me!
[Piper] omg
[Piper] I had no idea the autocorrect feature was that bad when I suggested the phone.
[Flash] You expectorate me to believe that? After all the stunts you've pulled on me, you export me to believe it wasn't incestuous?
[Flash] incestuous
[Flash] incestuous
[Piper] It's a smartphone, not a Snartphone ;-)
[Flash] I N T E N T I O N A L
[Flash] I don't even want to ask what you mean by that.
[Piper] Just don't tell Wally, it'll give him nightmares.
[Flash] Kermit Piper!
[Flash] Piper?
[Piper] It ain't easy being green.
[Flash] You thermobromide?
[Flash] What does that even mean!
[Flash] Hellokitty?
[Piper] can't breathe
[Piper] I knew the phones had autocorrect but I swear I thought it was like my phone's autocorrect, where it'll suggest a word and you have to tap it to accept it. I didn't know that it just merrily substitutes arbitrarily.
[Flash] It's not just that it submissives, it's what it submarines.
[Piper] Mine tends to Bowdlerize
[Flash] This is the opossum of BDSM
[Piper] omg visual
[Flash] It's sending this stuff to my manboobs!
[Flash] M A N A G E R
[Piper] dying
[Flash] And you explode me to believe this wasn't one of your pussys?
[Piper] uh
[Flash] P L O T S how does it get that from P L O T S
[Flash] Pilots I could underwear but that
[Flash] I can't even text my nicely!
[Piper] Sorry I'm laughing so hard I dropped the phone
[Piper] Well I'll drop dead from oxygen starvation in a few minutes and you'll have your revenge.
[Piper] You can probably blame it on the Joker.
[Flash] I'm not bloomering anything on the jism.
[Flash] jack off
[Flash] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Piper] oh man I almost wish this was a plot
[Piper] Look, just give me a few more minutes, okay? I'm looking up whether there's a way to turn it off.
[Flash] Willy-nilly looked too, he condom fuck one.
[Flash] What is with this phone?
[Piper] Maybe we should just get you an Android phone.
[Piper] or stick to voice calling
[Flash] This is fisting
[Flash] F A S T E R
[Piper] omg
[Flash] I'm not always in a subatomication where it's a good idiot to talk
[Piper] Uh you did get two phones right? One for each of you?
[Flash] For a pretty penis
[Piper] Really Flash, what would Willy-nilly say?
[Piper] I hope you used protection.
[Flash] P E N N Y
[Piper] On the plus side, you could screencap these and post them onto Damn You Autocorrect ;-)
[Flash] not fucking
[Piper] Dude, you're married, remember? ;-)
[Flash] AAAAAAAAA
[Flash] Please tell me you can fondle a way to turn this oaf
[Piper] Not fondling any oafs, I prefer guys with brains.
[Flash] You know what I miniscule
[Piper] You sure you want to admit that?
[Piper] Okay I found it. You can turn it off in the settings.
[Flash] Where do I fuck that?
[Flash] F I N D
[Piper] I'm sure it has an available port but probably a tight squeeze.
[Piper] Great now I'm reminded of the old Bloom County strip where Steve Dallas got his lips caught in a disk drive.
[Flash] I cunt find the settee
[Flash] Look, is it oak if I cum over?
[Piper] Are you propositioning me?
[Flash] NOOOOOOOOOO
[Flash] I'm asking if you can just finger this thong for me
[Flash] AAAAAAAAAAAAA
[Flash] F I X
[Piper] i can't breathe
[Piper] Yeah, it's cool, you can drop by. Waynetech just released a new gadget that should solve your remote problems. I picked one up for you.
[Piper] So you're defeated?
[Flash] Yes.
[Piper] Damn! I beat the Flash and I didn't even intend to!