(no subject)
Title: One Night in Bangkok
Author: Seftimiu aka Brain Freeze and Fergie
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I make no money off this.
Warnings: Fergie gave me ideas. Strrrrrange ideas. All hail Fergie!
Summary: Birthday Fic for Katz: prompt is "drinkin' buddies". you get to choose the buddies, from among any of the rogues and accessories.
Digger was the first to wake, but not by much. Truth was, he didn't want to wake up. As soon as he felt himself waking he started to panic and tell his brain to 'go back to sleep'. But it wasn't listening too well. Soon, he was forced to surrender and cracked an eye open.
"Ohgawdinheavenshootmenow." He groaned, hiding his head under a pillow.
There was a noise, sounding far away enough to what would have to serve as Sam's conscious for the moment that it wasn't unlike listening to a jackhammer while one was underwater. He refused to acknowledge the noise as it would be admitting defeat. Victory currently lay in burrowing further into what he hoped was a pillow and not letting himself wake up.
Something was *poking* him though. Some sort of stabbing thing at the side of his armpit. Well, it wasn't the worst thing that could be poking at you while you tried to sleep.
"Stopmoving." Digger idly pushed at whatever was shaking the bed-thing. He hoped it was a bed. It was moving like one would. He pulled up a blanket or sheet higher and grumbled. "Seasick."
Grumbling, Sam realized he knew that jackhammer. That realization and the act of grumbling was enough to earn a big, whopping, defeat on the sleep battle. "Stuff...it. ohgodtalkinghurts." Sam burrowed more into the pillow. It was a good friend, comforting him in his time of agonizing hangover.
"Then,don'tmove." Digger grumbled from somewhere off to the side of him. They were burrowing, both of them, but burrowing very much into the same 'area'. Which meant that they were pretty much starting to get into cuddle range. If two porcupines cuddled that was.
"'mttryingtohidefromyou'revoice." This pillow wasn't big enough for two. With all of the strength he could muster, Sam flailed to pull it away to the other side, grumbling more at the jabbing thing. "And quit poking me."
"I'm poking you? With what?" He asked. Well, he had been poking him with his finger, but beyond that. "I've lost track of me body parts. Not all of them have called in for role yet." He was still hiding under the sheet. The light was evil.
"How the hell'm I supposed to know?" Yes, that was definitely very close to a whine, but Sam didn't care. He felt like it and, damnit, Digger was still poking him! With a frustrated flail, Sam grabbed onto the offending jabbing...what was that? He felt it, confused but not wanting to open his eyes. No, that can't be right, why would he...oh, maybe that was right. Sam knelt up in the bed, unwillingly opening his eyes.
Well, that was a surprise.
"...what in the hell am I wearing?"
Curiosity was going to kill the Digger with the power of sunlight. But he couldn't resist peeking out to see what the.... what the HELL?
"Um, no idea, mate. But, you look... fetching?" He offered uncertainly. "Uh... not many could carry that look off. But... yeah. Um... where the hell did we find a push up bra?" He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, and blinked blearily.
He was mentally trying to figure out where a camera might be. This had to be captured for all time on film!
"Apparently, wherever the hell we got the panties... I don't remember anyone." Then again, Sam's memory at the moment wasn't exactly play-by-play on a lot of things. Now he was wide awake though, despite the pain it was bringing him. Discovering exactly what you would look like in women's underwear was apparently an eye-opener.
Sam looked to Digger, mouth not quite closing. "If we're in matching bra and panties it might be time for AA."
Digger was almost scared to look, but tentatively did. He squinted. No, it wasn't matching bra and panties. He opened his mouth and closed it, then squinted again. Scratching the back of his head, He pulled the sheet up and around him in a toga, and unsteadily got to his feet. He squinted. "You have..." He indicated Sam's neck, the redness clear around. Small broken capillaries. He was bleary, hazy, and stumbly as he looked around the room for one... his clothes. And two... a camera. The camera was a priority.
"What? Do I have a matching necklace?" Sam brought his hand up to his neck but didn't find a necklace. His neck was oddly...tender.
That information would have to be filed away until Sam's mind was clear enough to handle that.
"Hey, why do you get the sheet?"
"Trust me, you want me in the sheet." He told him. "Ah, yes... there's one." He muttered to himself, finding his scarf at least. Why was it tied to the top of the bed post?
Good god.
What the hell did they get up to last night?
Seeing where Digger was looking, Sam's head slowly tilted to the side. Scarf...tied to the bed post...Digger needing the sheet...women's underwear. "Well...this must have been quite the night. I don't suppose you remember any of it?"
"No? And I'm really trying to derail any attempt at the moment." He confessed. He was having trouble unknotting the rayon scarf from the bed with one hand, and in the end just said fuck it. Leaving it there as he went in search of the rest of his clothing.
"Oh god, you just had to ask." Digger suddenly groaned, and covered his head with a hand. "I remember a bellydancer? A MALE bellydancer?" What the hell?
He shook his head and hey there's his overshirt! He picked up the blue shirt with the white boomerangs. "Do you see my pants anywhere?" He asked in frustration.
"Your pants? I'm looking for my pants!" Sam pulled himself out of the bed, stumbling a bit as he did. "Bellydancing..." He blinked, getting the distinct feeling that he might have attempted to pick up a new skill last night. He didn't want to see if he remembered anything he had picked up, however. No, that would be too much, especially considering his clothes were still MIA.
"Yeah...I remember the bellydancing. Where was that?"
"I don't.... know? Wait..." He pointed at Sam suddenly, eyes wider. "Ohhhhh... yeah... um... good... good muscle um control, mate." He cleared his throat and then quickly averted his eyes.
"Um let's see, I remember there was... it was the place with the wacky tobaccky in the bottle and we had to suck on a hose to get to the smoke." He was almost proud of himself for remembering that.
The ceiling suddenly became very interesting. Oh, and there was his shirt! He climbed back into the bed, standing up and pulling it down from the fan. Now, if only there were pants nearby.
"Um...yeah..thanks." Sam decided to focus on retracing steps, though. "Think that's where Mick called it a night too, remember having to make a portal...took me a bit."
"I- yeah I think you're right." He was thoughtful, looking up at where Sam had retrieved his shirt. "Where ARE your pants?" Digger asked. He looked under the bed, the toga scooting down a bit to reveal his back, which was yes, hairy, but not totally caveman. He was looking under the bed, crawling almost under it and the toga sheet slipped further down to reveal... a TATTOO. A new one by the redness around the picture. A blue and black... frog?
Sam just pointed, momentarily distracted by his lack of pants by what Digger's lack of pants revealed. Well, what unexpected sight Digger's lack of pants revealed. "What is that?"
"What is what?" He asked, pulling his head back out from under the bed, the sheet around his waist now as he pulled forth a boot. It was a blue boot, thus Digger's. But it was only one. Hmmm where would the other be? "Bug bite?" He shook his head.
Oddly enthralled, Sam just leaned in curiously. "It's...a frog...have you always had a frog tattoo?"
Curious, Sam licked his palm and attempted to rub the frog off.
"OW OW OW!" Digger jumped and slapped at Sam. It wasn't very coordinated nor very forceful. A first grader probably made for a better 'slap fight' at the moment. "That HURTS!" He scooted as fast and far as he could wrapped in a sheet. "Frog? There's a FROG on my...?" He tried to look at his lower back, but ended up tumbling over as he lost his balance. "WHO put a FROG on my arse?" Well, it was actually the lower back, and just above the main portion of his buttock, but still.
The slap fight wasn't much at all, but Sam's balance hadn't quite recovered despite being unwillingly sober at the moment. He flopped down on the bed, but pulled himself back up to continue to stare at the frog and the frog's new owner. "Don't look at me! I sure as hell didn't slap a frog on you." Sam looked down at himself, making sure that he hadn't missed any surprise tattoo with the distraction of his clothes.
Digger forced himself back up to his knees and peered at Sam. "Well, I guess I can't complain too much. I don't think I could pull off those knickers."
"At least these come off." Sam stopped, thinking about what he had said. "We're going to blame that on the hangover."
He nodded. "Yes, let's do that." He agreed. "Okay I have a boot, and an overshirt, and a knotted scarf. I'm thinking this, an outfit doesn't make." He unsteadily went into the bathroom. He had to piss anyway. When he came back in, he had his other boot. "Where the hell ARE we anyway?" He asked.
"...um." Sam chewed on his finger absently as he tried to recall just where they had been for the bellydancing and hookah extravaganza. Answers were not coming. "I'm...not entirely positive. I don't suppose this place has robes?"
Digger saw the phone and pushed it at Sam while he was going through drawers looking for things. "Call down to the desk and see if you can get any information out of them." He suggested. "I'm looking to see if I can find anymore of our stuff."
SCORE camera. But he wasn't about to grab that just yet. He'd wait till Sam was distracted first...
"Let's hope they speak English then. I am far too hung over to try to piece anything together." Sam took the phone, seeing the number for the front desk on it but also seeing definitely non-English words with it.
He was relieved when the woman's voice on the other end answered in English, heavily accented English, but English all the same.
"Oh, yes, hello. No, just a question actually."
Digger hid the camera in his toga and snuck toward the bathroom. Then while Sam was talking on the phone, as quietly as he could took the picture. YES! Ha! Sam in women's underwear on a bed talking on the phone. PERFECT!
Quietly, was not quiet enough. Well, the quiet was good, but the stealth didn't quite work on Sam. He didn't have time to react before the picture, however.
"You bastard!"
Click.
"Crap, hello? I think I may have pissed off the staff. I really hope they don't have my pants."
Digger started roaring in laughter as he realized what had happened. He collapsed against the side of the doorframe, holding his head because of the pain, but also unable to NOT laugh. Helpless to the pain and laughter, he slid to the floor. "OH hey... socks." He said as he looked under the dresser from his position on the floor.
"You're finding socks and all I have of mine is my shirt? Where did I undress?" Sam wasn't sure he wanted to know. On the other hand, it was probably a really fun memory if it would actually come. Still, right now all he wanted was pants. "So...robe possibilities?"
He was giggling a bit as he finally forced himself back up to his knees. "Oh yeah yeah robes um... yeah..." He started opening the little closet in the room, looking through more drawers and finally. SUCCESS!
Sort of. Um... huh. Well... It almost covered his naughty bits, right? A short kimono type thing. "Red's really your color, mate!" He assured as he tossed it toward him. Though honestly, Digger's overshirt which caused his so called 'man-skirt' was longer!
Sam didn't catch the robe. Robe'let' really. He refused to accept that this served any practical purpose...well, both he and Digger knew the purpose it served. "This is the provided robe?" Sam did finally pick it up. "I swear, if I didn't know any better I'd say we got a honeymoon suite."
A look of fear passed over Sam's face while he put on the robe as he realized he didn't know any better.
Digger started to laugh and then choked. "Oh no." Because he wasn't sure himself. "Uh what's usually in those kind of things?" How the hell would HE know? He'd never gotten any closer to those than walking past them once or twice. Not that they could legally er... but, not like that would stop them from renting it? Eep.
Maybe it was time for AA after all.
"No idea. Hell, we dont' even know what country we're in, let alone the kind of room. Surely the others wouldn't let us get that plastered. Not without being around to see the results anyway." Sam tied the robe, despite the lack of good that actually did.
"Where ARE the others?" He suddenly asked. He rubbed his head, throwing on his overshirt as he sat down on the edge of the bed. Ow! TENDER! Eep. Tattoo? Yeah. Blue frog. No one must ever know about this, ever. "Okay, Mick left during or before the bellydancing... Len left before that. I remember him puking in a... fern?" He wasn't sure. "But, we had someone with us, didn't we?"
"Yeees," Sam let the word trail off, chewing at his index finger again as he thought. Apparently, this helped as half of a memory came back. "Yes, and they were at the bellydancing thing with us for sure because whoever it was kept singing some song...got it stuck in my head but it was fitting or something. Don't know."
"I don't... wait, yeah... yeah it was. But I can't remember the words. Just the sound of the music. And a disturbing mental image of Yul Brenner?" He shuddered.
"If you were mixing Yul Brenner with bellydancing I think we can rest assured this isn't a honeymoon suite." Though, Sam still wasn't all together certain on just what had transpired in this room. "Okay, who would get bad mental images stuck in our head with singing annoying catchy songs for bellydancing. Was James still with us?"
He gingerly scratched the back of his head, trying to remember before putting his socks on. Now he had an overshirt on, with socks, and nothing else. So he kept the sheet over his lap. "Um. I'm trying to think. No. He'd freaked out when he realized the bellydancer wasn't a girl. Well, he said he wasn't freaking out, but he wanted to go home. Wait, he went home through the same portal as Mick. Yeah, yeah... so that left... Piper?"
Music was Piper's thing after all. "Oh, my god, we lost Piper!"
"Shit!" Piper and pants? "Okay, I remember him being there now...I don't remember where he went after that, though. And I don't think that the desk clerk is going to be giving me any information judging by that click...not that we check into anywhere with real names anyway...shit."
"Okay, okay um... he's a big boy. I'm sure he's fine." He was telling himself that more than anything. "Pants. First we find our pants. THEN we find the Piper." He suggested. Annnd... what was that peeking out the window? He went to it and opened the sash. Ha! Digger's pants. They'd been hanging partway out the window. He shook them out and started to ease them on. "Ow ow ow." Tattoo!
Sam rushed the window but his hopes of pants along with Digger's was dashed. "You think Piper has my pants maybe?"
Digger still wasn't firing on all cylinders as he looked over at Sam. "Why would he want your pants? They'd fall off his skinny arse."
"There are all ready so many things I have no explanation for that Piper having my pants would be normal in comparison." Sam sighed. They had their mission laid out for them. "We're going to have to try to retrace our steps or something...and we're going to have to buy some pants. I don't suppose you have money?"
"No? But I'm a thief. I don't see this as an obstacle." He raised his eyebrows. "This is what we do. Steal!" He squared his shoulders and prepared to go out into the 'beyond'. In other words, the hallway.
"We don't know where we are, Digger. This might be one of those 'chop your hands off' kind of places...though I suppose if I don't get anything chopped off walking around like this we should be able to steal whatever we want." Sam squared his shoulders as well, moving to open the door.
"Look, maybe you should stay, right here? Let me go steal you some pants, and then I'll come back." Digger said, a bit worried now. "Last thing we need if your bits and pieces cut off."
"Is splitting up really any better of an idea, though?" Really, both were bad ideas but Sam wasn't sure which was worse. "...hey, maybe we can just steal pants from one of the rooms?"
"That's pretty much what I was planning on doing. Just I want to do it from another floor." No sense robbing on the same floor. "Come on if you're sure." He gave the kimono a dubious look. "Just don't bend over, unless you want everyone to see your tackle."
Sam couldn't help but laugh. He didn't really know how else to react but to laugh. "No intentions of putting on any more of a show than I already am." He opened the door, glad to see that there wasn't anyone in the hallway.
Digger scouted ahead, looking around the corner to make sure no one was coming and then pushed the button on the elevator. Going up! Ding. Then boggled as the door opened. "How, the hell... Found your pants." He said, pulling them down from the railing on the back of the elevator."
"..." Sam had no words, he just thankfully grabbed his pants from Digger and put them on. Pants! He had pants! "So...I'm both terrified and morbidly curious what is on this place's security footage now. Please tell me I don't want it cleared up."
"You don't want it cleared up? Because I'm completely sure that anything that required you stripping in the elevator and wearing women's knickers, is not something we want on security cam." Digger snorted, though he looked slightly distressed.
He rubbed his forehead. "Jesus Christ, what the hell did we get up to last night?" The problem was, it looked bad no matter how you tried to look at it. There was no 'innocent explanation' that he could even begin to conceive of. "Okay, facts facts facts. Let's just... try to look at facts. You apparently started stripping before getting out of the elevator. You have women's knickers on. Which, I'm going to just assume for the sake of argument isn't your usual choice of underwear. Both of our clothes were strung out around the room and bathroom. Annnd, you have a line around your throat that is either bondage related of some kind, or uh... hickies around your throat. Either is possible. Is there any way possible that there is a reasonable and innocent explanation for this? Hookers usually would have robbed us completely blind and tied us up before leaving." Because, come on, they would have been easy marks last night.
"You just never know, do you?" Well, no, they definitely weren't his usual choice and he was fairly certain he didn't start the night in them. That brought up a whole new load of questions; where were his boxers, where did he get the 'replacements', was there an angry local short her bra and panties. Sam looked up at the reflective doors of the elevator, having forgotten about his neck in his joy upon recieving his pants. "Holy hell, what are you, a hoover? Okay...I think we do need to get this cleared up. Also we might need a cover story of sorts."
Digger flushed slightly. Okay, well, apparently Sam thought the same thing he did. That it was very possible Digger put those marks on Sam. Oh, god.
"Okay, um, security. We'll break into wherever they have the security tapes. Take a quick look. Hell maybe it'll spur our memories as to what we did with Piper. Because I'm pretty sure that once Trickster stops being freaked out, he'll be mad we lost him. I don't feel like having itching powder in everything I touch for the next year!"
"The last thing I need is itching powder in this underwear." Sam had to agree, though, he noticed that his question on whether or not Digger was secretly a vacuum cleaner went unanswered. "Okay, so security is most likely near the front desk yeah?"
Digger scratched his shoulder because the power of suggestion was a strong thing, and Trickster with itching powder was just as dangerous as any of them with weapons. "In my experience, yeah. Usually behind the front desk. If we can just get in there, initially, we can use one of your mirrors to get the hell out after we look at the tape."
"Look and ensure nobody else is going to be seeing it?" Sam was feeling slightly squirmy himself and was attempting to reassure himself it was just the thought of itching powder and that the panties they had decided to get however they did didn't have crabs as an extra bonus. Mirrors! Sam checked his pockets now that he had them. "Yes, we're good to go with mirrors."
He pressed the lobby button, trying to figure out how they were going to get past the clerk. He also worried about what the clerk may say upon meeting them. Because he had no idea what name they had signed in under. What their 'story' was, if they had any. But he braced himself all the same as he stepped out of the elevator and walked the hall toward the front desk. There was smirking. It never boded well when there was smirking from the clerk. It was nearly as bad as scowling.
Sam dropped his voice. "I'll distract and ask if they have a map we could have." He still had the kimono on, that was probably distracting. "You do the unassuming tourist thing and try to get info. I'll meet you in?"
"Good luck." Digger wished him, going off to wander and try to act natural. Act natural. Act natural wearing blue and white boomerang shirt. That was always a bit tough.
Sam just put on his biggest 'I know very well what I did last night and I even know where I am. Ignore the man with me and focus on me and my strange choice of dress...like you probably did last night.' act. "Hello, you don't happen to have a map we could take with us by any chance? We sort of...lost track of ours last night." Oh, now the smirking was joined by suppressed laughter. Excellent.
Digger wanted so much to ask WHAT DO YOU KNOW! TELL US! Okay so that wasn't asking. That was demanding. But he was trying to be stealthy. Stealthy was still hard, but he was holding his breath and had made a wide circuit around. And the he was squeezing through the door.
From the people at the front desk, Sam was getting the distinct feeling that what he had lost in the elevator he might have started to get rid of in the lobby. He had a map now, at least, and asked if there had been a red-haired man looking for them, but no such luck on that front. With a thank you and a sheepish smile, Sam made to pretend to slip off towards what he was almost sure were bathrooms.
Digger was in the security office frantically looking for what would be the tape and camera for the elevator, as well as the lobby, and their hallway. He only relaxed a fraction when he started to find them and line them up. He watched them in reverse at speed until he found 'them'. Then paused it, and looked at the time stamp and reversed all the other tapes to the point they would have appeared, and then lined them up so they could watch it in sequence.
Sam squeezed in once he was sure that the coast was clear. "Any luck? I have the distinct feeling we gave the staff an interesting show."
"I found us, but I've not watched it yet." He whispered to him. "Was waiting for you, since well. Yeah." He nodded. He eased things back a bit further and then let them play out. Annnnd there they were in the lobby.
Sam winced as he was greated by drunken singing, not quite able to decipher the words but recognizing the song that Piper had gotten stuck in their heads. He squinted at the screen, mouth opening slightly as he decided that he would most likely find his belt by the potted fern at the hotel's doorway. That is, unless some worker had wanted a keepsake.
Digger covered his eyes and then forced himself to uncover them. As fun as it was to get drunk, it was very sobering to watch oneself from a distance during such. "Maybe we should rethink the AA thing." He said quietly as he watched himself hug a potted tree and kiss one of the leaves. At some point though, he'd stopped singing whatever it was they were singing and was making up his own words. But one thing was clear, he was trying to sing 'One night in Bangkok.' and it was coming out more along the lines of 'one night of banging cock'. He wanted to sink into the floor now.
"I don't know, our drunk selves just helped our sober selves figure out where the hell we are." Sam was laughing enough he could feel himself shaking as he watched his drunken counterpart trying to correct Digger's lyrics only to get to "makes a hard man humble" and cracking up, flopping against Digger and the potted tree.
Digger did start to snicker at the scene in front of them. Because yeah, it was hilarious. He shook his head slowly as they became tangled up in the tree, and each other. "Soooo does this mean we ended up in Thailand?" He asked. "Based on a song, that Piper was probably singing at some point to irritate us." That sounded about like something they'd do while drunk. He pointed to the screen. "Oh god." No wonder there was smirkage.
"I would guess so." He looked down at the map he had received, unfolding it to check. "Yeah, Bangkok. There's one mystery solved." he folded it back up, looking up again to see what had brought on the 'Oh god' and cringed as he watched himself trying to climb onto the front desk as he signed them in. "Oh...I can just imagine how this plays out. I'm getting the distinct feeling they threw the pants in after us on the elevator."
He covered his eyes. "I can't look. Just tell me what we do?" He whimpered softly. Because the last sight he saw before covering his eyes, was that he'd started to... dance? Digger had started to do a little dance... oi.
"Well, there went my pants right on cue...I already have on the panties though." Sam's voice went up as he spoke, quite distressed at the apparent fact that the panties had been earlier in the night. "and they're trying to herd us into the elevator."
He peeked between his fingers. "You... you do! Where the hell did you put those on?" He asked in shock. He covered his eyes again once he keyed the elevator to start playing. The last thing he saw before covering his eyes again was the pants being thrown in after them. Digger was also still dancing, but apparently trying to dance with Sam now.
"I don't know!" Sam couldn't help the flailing and wanted to hide his eyes too as elevator dancing started to pick up. "...I think we're trying to bellydance. Oh god, we are." he gave up on the desire to cover his eyes, hypnotized by what he was watching now.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God." Digger said in awed horror as he once more peeked between his fingers to catch sight of them. "I was not made for that kind of dancing." Thank god the ride was over soon enough and he keyed the camera for the hallway. Where they were spilling out into the hallway itself, and had of course forgotten Sam's pants.
"I seemed like I was a determined teacher though." Sam just let himself laugh, leaning back against the wall as he watched them stumbling about the hallway, half using the other for support, half trying to steer the other one way or the other. "I now have a new appreciation for the saying 'the blind leading the blind'. This is ridiculous."
"Yeahhhhh, the blind drunk leading the blind drunk." He agreed sighing as he finally took his hands off his face and watched them. Trying to get their door open and unlocked was apparently a true chore. Each trying to be helpful. "Yeah you're a determined teacher. I got the swivel of the hips down, but... why in the HELL am I even analyzing this?" He wondered suddenly, smacking his forehead in dismay. "Ow."
"Because it's hilarious? I was hoping to see what the hell you did to my neck, myself. But yes, you've got the swivel of the hips down." Sam had to wipe a tear from laughter out of the corner of his eyes as he turned back to watching drunk Digger persistently try to work the door while drunk Sam seemed perfectly content to just stick to dancing in the hall.
The door was opened and Digger apparently fell INTO the room, and from there disappeared from view. Except for his hand, which crept out and grabbed Sam, pulling him in suddenly. The door shutting with a slam seconds later.
Digger patiently fast forwarded, watching the tape to see if anyone else entered or exited. But unfortunately, the door stayed shut until they left many minutes ago. "Um, I... uh... well. We know now that whatever happened, did happen in there with just us two. This wouldn't be so damn bad if we could just remember it."
Digger finally burst out. "If I had fun, I want to remember having fun!" He pushed a few buttons and erased all three tapes with a grumble.
"Well...your clothes had to come off somehow." Sam pointed out not so helpfully, sighing a bit as the taped fun was over. "Maybe it'll come back to us?" They could hope anyway. Now that he thought of it and had been reminded of it Sam could recall some of the front desk antics. "In any case, I think that it's time we got looking for Piper."
"So not going to kill me if it does come back to us?" Digger asked quietly. Because that would ruin remembering any of the fun, that was for sure. But yeah, they lost the rest of their clothes somehow. "I'm sincerely trying to remember where we lost him. And all I can seem to remember is laughing, a lot. Which doesn't tell me much." He admitted. "And cards? Did we play cards with someone?" He asked.
"Unless given a new reason to kill you? No. I don't think you forced me to get drunk and put on different underwear." Sam snorted at the question. If there was any fun to be had it was both of their doing, after all. "Cards...oooh yes, we played cards with some local after the dancing place started to close, is that right?"
Digger was still relieved to hear that. Because some of the others? They would just have beat him to a pulp because they wouldn't want to admit or cop to anything like that ever passing through their heads. Drunk or not. But now he was concentrating, trying to remember. "We were running kind of low on money by then, and being so drunk, we would have been playing to lose regardless. But the game, it was rather high stakes? And he didn't... He didn't speak much English, did he? I remember a heavy accent?" He frowned. "What did we use to bet with?"
"...god, that isn't how I ended up with panties, is it?"
He frowned, shaking his head slowly. "Nooooo, I don't... I don't think so." And then suddenly it came to him how Sam ended up in panties. He clapped a hand to his mouth, his eyes wide. "Piper was drunk. Very very drunk too. He was nearly passed out." He paused in memory. "You put them on while we dressed HIM up in women's clothing. Sam? We gambled Piper away as a virgin bride." The words, saying them aloud, didn't sound any better than they had in his head. "We put him in the 'pot' and lost the hand. He's going to kill us."
"...we bet Piper..." No, it didnt' sound less absurd when it came out of your own mouth. Sam swallowed. "Oh God, he's going to kill us creatively."
Sam concentrated on not whimpering as he imagined just how they would die; painfully, shamefully, fully embarrassed, and hearing one hell of a soap box lecture. Sam's mouth fell open again as the memories started to piece together and the dressing Piper scene played out in full for him. "So...we've got to find this guy."
"We are so completely and utterly screwed." He breathed, in horror. "I'm not sure what will kill us first. The Blatt, his lecture, or our embarrassment factor when he makes us dance to a tune of his choosing in front of everyone." Or all three. "We're going to die."
And the fact that he said that with complete conviction spoke of how utterly sure he was that Piper could in fact kill someone with the power of a lecture. "Yeah yeah, we need to find him, and hope we get to him before the honeymoon." He slapped a hand over his eyes. "And get the hell back to Keystone hopefully before Piper sobers up enough to realize not only was he dressed as a blushing bride, but that you stole the naughty knickers we were going to put him in."
"Well...he might be relieved I stole the 'naughty knickers'?" Sam tried to look hopeful that that would be some sort of saving grace, but he knew very well that that fell flat on it's face. "Okay, we're going to die. The longer it takes though, the longer he's going to make our suffering linger." He pulled himself straight, taking a deep breath.
"So...where were we when we were...gambling Piper?" Oh God.
Digger listened at the door, making sure no one was coming yet. Thinking as hard as he could. Oh god, his brain was going to explode and drain out of his ear. Sadly, Piper wouldn't even appreciate all the pain and suffering they were... suffering. "It couldn't have been too far. Because we walked in." He said trying to use logic. Drunken logic at that. "So, I figure we need to go outside, and look for the most likely place?"
"Maybe try to ask the locals? We made an impression on the hotel, we probably did walking here too." Sam paused, going a bit pale. "I hope we didn't do anything that'll have the cops here looking for us. That'll make things a bit harder." Nothing for it though, outside was their best bet. "Let's go."
"I really hope my boxers are where we changed Piper." Sam added.
"I... kind of hope so too." Digger nodded. Because those panties did NOT look comfortable. He was pretty sure they were the kind that gave you instant wedgies. He peeked both ways and then scooted out when he saw the receptionist was busy. Then went round and about and then toward the door. Whew. At least something had gone right! At least, until he stepped outside. Splash! He looked up at the rain falling and cursed. "Wonder where we left Mark?" He muttered to himself. "Oh yeah, France..." Hm... aw well.
"Pity, we could have probably tried to use him to win Piper back." No, that was the kind of thinking that lost Piper in the first place. "Okay, in the video it looked like we came from that way...that doesn't mean much but it's a start at least." He shrugged, pointing off to the left. "So...walk until we find a seedy looking hangout?"
"Sounds like a plan to me." Digger nodded, feeling his head pound. "Maybe we'll get some more of our memory back if we see it?" It was a hope at least. He tilted his head back feeling the rain on his head hoping it would help his headache. "If we find a chemist on the way, I say we steal some Tylenol."
"Amen hallefreakingujah if we find some tylenol." Sam had some doubts they would be too successful. He was of the opinion, though, that that would have been a great room service at the hotel. Oh well, they were on a mission. He started walking forward, shaking his head to rid him of some of the rain and regretting the motion almost immediately.
Digger reached out a hand to try to steady him. "Yeah, don't do that." They passed a restaurant and he felt his stomach try to turn at the smell of the spicy food. Glahhbargh. He hurried into the alley and let go. Probably for the best. He always felt better after just getting rid of it all.
"See anything that looks familiar?" Hell, that might help too but God only knows where they were last they ate. Sam leaned against the closest wall, waiting for things to stop the momentary spin they had started. Breathe in, breathe out. The world isn't going around that quickly.
"How can something so damn fun, make you so sick later." It was a rhetorical question. He rubbed his head. "I dunno. It would help if everything would stop wobbling." He forced himself to concentrate though. Then saw something a bit down the road. It was sodden and in wet heap. The blue had caught his attention. "I think I found my hat. We're on the right track." He said grabbing it up off the ground and nearly falling on his head. He squeezed it in his hand, wringing it out and then shoving it in his pocket.
"We left ourselves a trail of breadcrumbs, excellent. And don't say wobbling, it encourages it." Sam was a bit slower in following this time, squinting down the road, half in hoping to see something, half in fighting the wobbling and the headache.
Digger looped his arm through Sam's. Between the two of them, they could probably stay upright by wobbling in opposite directions. He pointed to a sign. "I remember that sign." He didn't add that he remembered KISSING that sign. He was apparently very affectionate last night. A drunk Digger turned out to be one of two things. Either angry or affectionate. Last night, had been affectionate.
"I don't...but I'll take your word for it." Sam leaned a bit more as he looked around. He went rigid as he looked down the next street, though. "Um...Digger...do you see the mannequin in that window wearing a certain polka dotted 'tunic'?"
"Oh god." He put a hand to his forehead. "When did we do that?" Of course it was after they'd gambled Piper off. "That's where we got the clothes!" He said as he realized it. "It has to be close now." He said. "Uh I think we should steal the tunic back real quick though. Go ahead, there's a mirror to the side of the mannequin, just... pop in there and get it."
"He's going to be really cranky if we can't find his boots." Sam cringed, stabling himself on his feet before going towards the glass to work his mirror magic. It was probably a good thing it was raining, not many people were out to see him robbing a front window in broad daylight. But, then again, he was a professional and soon had the costume in hand.
"Yeahhhhh he likes those boots." He admitted. "He says they're comfortable. Probably are. I'll keep my shin guards, thanks." Because inciting the wrath of Golden Glider so often, it was just prudent! He looked further down the street. "We're close. Verrrrry close." The street was getting rougher looking, but still 'bright' in a way. The fake glitz that reminded him of Las Vagas. High rollers and low lifes. Yep this was the place!
"Funny, I thought he kept them because they were supposedly 'fuck me'...boots." Sam pointed, seeing that someone had apparently agreed with the boots 'fuck me' status. That was definitely a hooker in Piper's boots. You didn't have to be a local to recognize that.
"Oh great. Well, we know where we got the knickers from." He sighed. "How are we going to get the boots off the hooker? Wait, got an idea. Side trip to a jewelry store in France, grab a diamond and bring it back for the bike?" He asked, pointing at the woman. "I'll keep her here if you'll get the diamond. Don't wanna risk getting back and she's toddled off."
"...I suddenly feel itchy. Please tell me it's just my imagination." Sam whined, cringing.
"It's your imagination." Digger replied in rote.
"Right, I'll be back, you be a good bike rack." Sam still cringed, repeating a mental mantra of the itching being all in his head.
"I'll give her a good look over, make sure it is in yer head." He promised, patting his shoulder. "Cause, pretty sure if you got something, you would have given it to ME." He jerked a thumb to himself. He was starting to accept that things may have gone on. Cause if he kissed a sign and a plant, he would have easily kissed Sam among other things. "But I think it's your imagination and worry. Cause I'm not itchy anymore." He patted his back again and called to the hooker, who immediately broke into laughter at seeing him. Oh, joy.
"...anymore?" Sam didn't wait for an explanation though, heading off on his ring quest.
All in my head...all in my head. There is no itch. No itch.
The hooker laughed and waved, cupping her mouth to shout over to him. "You lose pantie friend?"
"You mean the guy we got the knickers for? Yesssss, we did sort of lose him. Do you happen to know where we left him?" He asked, might as well be honest about it. He smiled at her. "Look, love, would it be too much trouble to trade you a diamond for them boots back? When we find our friend, he'll be very sad if he doesn't have his boots. And you would look lovely with a diamond."
She didn't mean Piper, having missed seeing Sam before he had vanished. She nodded though. "Diamond? See it first." She wasn't about to give up these boots for just anything. They were comfortable and they were fabulous. She would look lovely with a diamond, however.
"It's coming now." He assured her. He was going to take it that she didn't know. "Will be back before you know it. Last night is a bit woggy. Where did we find you?"
She turned and pointed down and across the street at what might be the brightest, tackiest building on the street. "At the back door."
Diamond in hand, Sam slipped back onto the street and was very relieved to see it. He had also taken a little detour in Minsk which was unexpected.
"There he is. Thanks luv, you've been a big help." He told her with a wink. "Sam?" He waved him over. Then he pointed at the building she pointed out. He was starting to find it a bit familiar.
Sam looked at where Digger was pointing and almost winced as he realized that, yes, that was familiar. Well, that was a good thing although the memories it stirred up were strange indeed. He reassured himself that all of the itching was in his head and made his way over, diamond extended just out of the woman's grasp. "I believe we're interested in a trade."
She held her hand out.
Sam held his free hand out for the boots.
"I want to see if it's real."
"I don't want you running off in the boots."
She eyed the diamond, then eyed both Sam and Digger. "...fine." She sat down to take the boots off.
"Knew you'd see it our way." Digger smiled, holding his hands out for the boots. While he did so, he looked at her carefully. There was no suspicious wiggling. No discrete crotch scratching. Didn't see any nits. Nothing crawling along the skin. Nothing on her neck. Good good. Whew.
"Diamonds are a girl's best friend." She held her hand out expectantly.
Sam handed the diamond over, giving Digger a little smirk. "Both Len and Lisa would want to hurt me for seeing a certain resemblance, wouldn't they?"
Digger nodded, but smirked as well. "I think they'd have some words for you, yes." He chuckled. He took the boots and straightened up, folding the tops down and putting the costume on top of it. Good good. They could at least try to appease Piper a little bit with the costume. Not that it would save their lives completely, but he might be more merciful and make it quicker when he kills them.
"So this place doesn't exactly look like something that would be open this early, does it?" Sam asked as he walked towards the gaudy building, trying to imagine just how it looked with everything lit up. It must attract drunks like moths to flames. "But who knows, might be something inside."
"It's probably for the best." He stated. "This is the kind of place that the high rollers would be allowed to stay in the penthouse apartments up top. If everyone is closed down below, and the fancypants up above are sleeping it off? We might be able to find Piper and run off with him before they wake up. Might lighten them of their excess wealth as well." He grinned at Sam suddenly. "After all, we're just making it so they don't have to carry as much home. We're doing a service. Don't think they'll take it well anyway to get Piper alone or home and try to unwrap the package. Blushing brides don't usually have their own tallywacker unless it comes with batteries."
"You never know, it might be considered a surprise bonus." He shrugged, looking up at the higher windows and letting a grin creep over his face, suddenly feeling much better. "Well, I'm always game to do a service. Shall we then?"
"I do believe we shall!" He grinned. He went to the door and inspected it. "Easy peasy." He pronounced. The alarm wasn't that hard to disengage and circumvent and the lock was child's play. He popped the door open and waved Sam in with a bow. "After you!"
"Why thank you!" Sam bowed back and stepped inside. Dark, smelling of booze and smoke, and with an air of seediness. Yes, this was definitely their kind of place. Sam also saw where he had first decided that dancing was a great idea, but tried to ignore that part, instead pointing to the stairs and nodding back to Digger. Mission selected, next level.
Flashes of memory. Here and there. Laughter, drinks, half understood conversations. He nodded at Sam and carefully went up the steps, holding a boomerang in one hand, and the clothes in the other. This place wouldn't be without more security. Ah, a guard at the top of the stairs at the next landing, but said guard was in a chair snoring. Well, that was fine with Digger. He tiptoed past and went up the next flight. Another guard, but awake. He silently gestured at Sam. Flashing his boomerang so that the reflected light landed on the wall. Silent signal that Sam was up to 'hypnotize' the guard. Make him sleep.
Sam gave a quick nod and got to work, soon adding the guard's snoring with the other's. "Loud bunch" he mouthed, sliding his mirror up his sleeve for the time being.
Now, where to start? Sam went to the first door, carefully leaning in to listen if he could hear anyone inside.
He was checking other doors and frowned when he heard snoring from the other side of one. "Hm... I think I know that snore." Digger slowly smirked and gestured toward the door. It was locked though. But it was locked from the outside. Which meant they were trying to keep what was inside, inside. "I found our bride." He whispered to Sam, opening the door quietly.
Sam leaned over and listened, nodding. "Yeah, doing the sleeping beauty routine." He pulled his mirror out, preparing for whoever else might be in the room.
The snoring was unnervingly louder once the door was opened.
"Thank god. That means he doesn't know yet!" He sighed in relief. He shut the door behind them and jammed his boomerang into the crevice to block it shut. "Let's get him stripped out of his dress and put back in his uniform. Have your mirror ready, just in case he starts to wake up. Hate to do it, but if there is any way POSSIBLE, that we can get out of this with a minimum of whinging on his part? I'll take it!" He said kneeling down beside the young man. He pulled off the dainty high heels they'd put on his feet the night before.
Sam laid the clothes out and worked on getting the mirror ready. "Well, we put him in it, I'm sure we can get him out of it-hey, underwear!" Sam grabbed at his boxers sticking out from under the dresser, holding them up victoriously for a moment before returning to his work.
"Okay, I lift, you pull, ready?" Sam moved over to Piper, ready to carefully lift him up enough to make the clothes removal easier.
Digger nodded and then laughed silently at the finding of the boxers. They could thoroughly inspect the underwear and his tackle later if necessary just to make sure that everything was as it should be. Well, uh, he meant that in a medical way? Maybe? Oh god. This trip was murder on his brain. He pulled the tights off and was relieved to see they had left Piper's underwear on under the hose. Then he worked to get the tights he normally wore up over his legs. Then put the boots on next. He worked the zip down and then pulled the dress up over and off of Piper's head. Overshirt on, belt, trumpet in place. Hat? Hat... where's the damn hat? OH! They'd left it there by the chair. Hat on head. He was a bit rumpled, but dressed! And still sawing logs. He smiled though at something else. "Do you see what I see?" He asked Sam. He pointed at the safe in the wall. "Put all his precious things in one room, didn't he? Lucky for us!"
"Who on earth leaves the safe with the new wife?" Sam just grinned, walking up to the safe terribly tempted to kiss it. "I say he deserves to lose it, don't you?" Sam cracked his knuckles and got to work on the safe.
"I totally agree!" Digger grinned. "Probably figured such a tender frail little Sheila couldn't posssssibly figure out how to open it." He reasoned as he went around the room, looting. They were going to have a good haul! YES. Things were looking up!
"Or he figured he'd hear when she stopped snoring." Sam looked over to Piper, nudging him slightly then thinking better of it since they didn't want him awake just yet. "Seriously, how does he not wake himself up?" Anyway, safebreaking! Safebreaking was...slow. It helped when you had lasers though! Well, as long as you didn't burn up everything that was inside.
"I think he has internal controls on those things, and he turns them all the way down when he sleeps." Digger put forth his theory. "Otherwise, as sensitive as his hearing is? He'd hear a mouse fart down the street and it would keep him awake." He looked Piper over a final time, making sure he'd not been harmed or interfered with in any way... well, other than how they themselves had done. Then got everything bundled together for easier escape later before going to Sam's side. He crept up beside Sam, watching him work. But also was acting as look out, by watching the door and the windows.
"...you mean we've completely missed wonderful chances to mess with him while he's sleeping?" Sam looked up, feeling slightly disappointed with himself for not taking advantage of this before. Well, no matter. At least he had an open safe now. "Ooooh" He pulled his mirror out, stuffing the contents of the safe inside. "Anything else before we make our grand escape?"
He was about to make a suggestion but in the distance he could hear frantic yelling and shook his head. "Time to GO!" He said, grabbing Piper up and lugging him over his shoulder. "Let's get the hell out of here." He could hear people running down the hall.
Crap! Sam was up and looking for a way out, other door, decent sized mirror, anything. "Why in the hell is there nothing shiny?" Sam hurried for the window hoping for a way out there.
"This, sucks." Digger gritted his teeth, shifting Piper a bit on his shoulder and went to the window with Sam. They were trying to get the door open. "Now or never, mate." He pronounced, slipping out the window, and hoping for the best. "PUDDLE!" Digger pointed where it had been raining. Please let that work!
"Perfect!" Sam aimed and fired at the puddle. He grabbed the window ledge under him, swinging down to the next. "I'll get down to the bottom and you can pass Piper to me"
He nodded. He shifted Piper in his arms, making a face as he realized the other man had drooled on him and prepared to drop him down to Sam. They were battering at the door.
Sam let himself drop the rest of the way to the ground and promptly fell on his ass. Apparently grace went with being able to function hangover free. He picked himself up though. "Toss 'em!"
Digger didn't bother to nod, instead he grabbed Piper's arms and dangled him over the edge, aimed him, and then dropped him down to Sam. Perfect aim, even with a completely limp body. The door broke in the room and Digger stepped off the ledge, tuck and roll. He landed hard, groaning at the bruises he'd have now. He jarred his knee as well, but still, limped over to where Sam would have Piper and ready to jump through the makeshift 'mirror'. People above them, had guns and were shouting in a language he didn't understand. "Ta!" He waved bye to them.
"Quit visiting and get you ass down here!" Sam slung Piper over his shoulder, gesturing impatiently towards the puddle.
"Yes dear." Digger called back and dived into the puddle.
With a slight splashing, Piper and Sam followed Digger through, rolling out the mirror hanging up in the safehouse's bathroom. "We really need to rethink the bathroom mirror considering what we use it for the most part. Sick of flopping out onto the sink, aren't you?"
Digger was still holding his arse from landing on the sink's faucet. "I agree. It's time to get a big full sized mirror." He said, walking almost bow-legged. Ow ow ow ow. Oh, GOD Tattoo, hurt pain, ow. Fuck. OW! "Let's just throw him in a bed, let him sleep it off. I don't know about you? But I'm wiped."
"God yes." Sam slumped against the wall, letting Piper slide down for a rest as well. "Advil and bed, that's the plan." He muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose, suddenly quite tired. "...and to change clothes."
"Oh, and a shower might be an idea too..." He paused. "Might give you a look over?" He half offered. "Just to make sure everythings... like it should be?" It was a tentative offer.
"Make sure neither of us have any more new tattoos, froggy?
He shrugged a shoulder. "Among other things." But he didn't press. He noticed that they were kind of leaving Piper on the floor, but at least he was 'home'.
"Other things, sounds good."
With a nod and a smile, he opened the door and they left Piper snoring on the floor.
Later, they'd get a lecture about how terrible it was to be left on the floor snoring with a hangover.
But at least, it was a lecture they could survive through.
The picture that started it all, aka Digger's blackmail material
Author: Seftimiu aka Brain Freeze and Fergie
Disclaimer: I don't own them. I make no money off this.
Warnings: Fergie gave me ideas. Strrrrrange ideas. All hail Fergie!
Summary: Birthday Fic for Katz: prompt is "drinkin' buddies". you get to choose the buddies, from among any of the rogues and accessories.
Digger was the first to wake, but not by much. Truth was, he didn't want to wake up. As soon as he felt himself waking he started to panic and tell his brain to 'go back to sleep'. But it wasn't listening too well. Soon, he was forced to surrender and cracked an eye open.
"Ohgawdinheavenshootmenow." He groaned, hiding his head under a pillow.
There was a noise, sounding far away enough to what would have to serve as Sam's conscious for the moment that it wasn't unlike listening to a jackhammer while one was underwater. He refused to acknowledge the noise as it would be admitting defeat. Victory currently lay in burrowing further into what he hoped was a pillow and not letting himself wake up.
Something was *poking* him though. Some sort of stabbing thing at the side of his armpit. Well, it wasn't the worst thing that could be poking at you while you tried to sleep.
"Stopmoving." Digger idly pushed at whatever was shaking the bed-thing. He hoped it was a bed. It was moving like one would. He pulled up a blanket or sheet higher and grumbled. "Seasick."
Grumbling, Sam realized he knew that jackhammer. That realization and the act of grumbling was enough to earn a big, whopping, defeat on the sleep battle. "Stuff...it. ohgodtalkinghurts." Sam burrowed more into the pillow. It was a good friend, comforting him in his time of agonizing hangover.
"Then,don'tmove." Digger grumbled from somewhere off to the side of him. They were burrowing, both of them, but burrowing very much into the same 'area'. Which meant that they were pretty much starting to get into cuddle range. If two porcupines cuddled that was.
"'mttryingtohidefromyou'revoice." This pillow wasn't big enough for two. With all of the strength he could muster, Sam flailed to pull it away to the other side, grumbling more at the jabbing thing. "And quit poking me."
"I'm poking you? With what?" He asked. Well, he had been poking him with his finger, but beyond that. "I've lost track of me body parts. Not all of them have called in for role yet." He was still hiding under the sheet. The light was evil.
"How the hell'm I supposed to know?" Yes, that was definitely very close to a whine, but Sam didn't care. He felt like it and, damnit, Digger was still poking him! With a frustrated flail, Sam grabbed onto the offending jabbing...what was that? He felt it, confused but not wanting to open his eyes. No, that can't be right, why would he...oh, maybe that was right. Sam knelt up in the bed, unwillingly opening his eyes.
Well, that was a surprise.
"...what in the hell am I wearing?"
Curiosity was going to kill the Digger with the power of sunlight. But he couldn't resist peeking out to see what the.... what the HELL?
"Um, no idea, mate. But, you look... fetching?" He offered uncertainly. "Uh... not many could carry that look off. But... yeah. Um... where the hell did we find a push up bra?" He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand, and blinked blearily.
He was mentally trying to figure out where a camera might be. This had to be captured for all time on film!
"Apparently, wherever the hell we got the panties... I don't remember anyone." Then again, Sam's memory at the moment wasn't exactly play-by-play on a lot of things. Now he was wide awake though, despite the pain it was bringing him. Discovering exactly what you would look like in women's underwear was apparently an eye-opener.
Sam looked to Digger, mouth not quite closing. "If we're in matching bra and panties it might be time for AA."
Digger was almost scared to look, but tentatively did. He squinted. No, it wasn't matching bra and panties. He opened his mouth and closed it, then squinted again. Scratching the back of his head, He pulled the sheet up and around him in a toga, and unsteadily got to his feet. He squinted. "You have..." He indicated Sam's neck, the redness clear around. Small broken capillaries. He was bleary, hazy, and stumbly as he looked around the room for one... his clothes. And two... a camera. The camera was a priority.
"What? Do I have a matching necklace?" Sam brought his hand up to his neck but didn't find a necklace. His neck was oddly...tender.
That information would have to be filed away until Sam's mind was clear enough to handle that.
"Hey, why do you get the sheet?"
"Trust me, you want me in the sheet." He told him. "Ah, yes... there's one." He muttered to himself, finding his scarf at least. Why was it tied to the top of the bed post?
Good god.
What the hell did they get up to last night?
Seeing where Digger was looking, Sam's head slowly tilted to the side. Scarf...tied to the bed post...Digger needing the sheet...women's underwear. "Well...this must have been quite the night. I don't suppose you remember any of it?"
"No? And I'm really trying to derail any attempt at the moment." He confessed. He was having trouble unknotting the rayon scarf from the bed with one hand, and in the end just said fuck it. Leaving it there as he went in search of the rest of his clothing.
"Oh god, you just had to ask." Digger suddenly groaned, and covered his head with a hand. "I remember a bellydancer? A MALE bellydancer?" What the hell?
He shook his head and hey there's his overshirt! He picked up the blue shirt with the white boomerangs. "Do you see my pants anywhere?" He asked in frustration.
"Your pants? I'm looking for my pants!" Sam pulled himself out of the bed, stumbling a bit as he did. "Bellydancing..." He blinked, getting the distinct feeling that he might have attempted to pick up a new skill last night. He didn't want to see if he remembered anything he had picked up, however. No, that would be too much, especially considering his clothes were still MIA.
"Yeah...I remember the bellydancing. Where was that?"
"I don't.... know? Wait..." He pointed at Sam suddenly, eyes wider. "Ohhhhh... yeah... um... good... good muscle um control, mate." He cleared his throat and then quickly averted his eyes.
"Um let's see, I remember there was... it was the place with the wacky tobaccky in the bottle and we had to suck on a hose to get to the smoke." He was almost proud of himself for remembering that.
The ceiling suddenly became very interesting. Oh, and there was his shirt! He climbed back into the bed, standing up and pulling it down from the fan. Now, if only there were pants nearby.
"Um...yeah..thanks." Sam decided to focus on retracing steps, though. "Think that's where Mick called it a night too, remember having to make a portal...took me a bit."
"I- yeah I think you're right." He was thoughtful, looking up at where Sam had retrieved his shirt. "Where ARE your pants?" Digger asked. He looked under the bed, the toga scooting down a bit to reveal his back, which was yes, hairy, but not totally caveman. He was looking under the bed, crawling almost under it and the toga sheet slipped further down to reveal... a TATTOO. A new one by the redness around the picture. A blue and black... frog?
Sam just pointed, momentarily distracted by his lack of pants by what Digger's lack of pants revealed. Well, what unexpected sight Digger's lack of pants revealed. "What is that?"
"What is what?" He asked, pulling his head back out from under the bed, the sheet around his waist now as he pulled forth a boot. It was a blue boot, thus Digger's. But it was only one. Hmmm where would the other be? "Bug bite?" He shook his head.
Oddly enthralled, Sam just leaned in curiously. "It's...a frog...have you always had a frog tattoo?"
Curious, Sam licked his palm and attempted to rub the frog off.
"OW OW OW!" Digger jumped and slapped at Sam. It wasn't very coordinated nor very forceful. A first grader probably made for a better 'slap fight' at the moment. "That HURTS!" He scooted as fast and far as he could wrapped in a sheet. "Frog? There's a FROG on my...?" He tried to look at his lower back, but ended up tumbling over as he lost his balance. "WHO put a FROG on my arse?" Well, it was actually the lower back, and just above the main portion of his buttock, but still.
The slap fight wasn't much at all, but Sam's balance hadn't quite recovered despite being unwillingly sober at the moment. He flopped down on the bed, but pulled himself back up to continue to stare at the frog and the frog's new owner. "Don't look at me! I sure as hell didn't slap a frog on you." Sam looked down at himself, making sure that he hadn't missed any surprise tattoo with the distraction of his clothes.
Digger forced himself back up to his knees and peered at Sam. "Well, I guess I can't complain too much. I don't think I could pull off those knickers."
"At least these come off." Sam stopped, thinking about what he had said. "We're going to blame that on the hangover."
He nodded. "Yes, let's do that." He agreed. "Okay I have a boot, and an overshirt, and a knotted scarf. I'm thinking this, an outfit doesn't make." He unsteadily went into the bathroom. He had to piss anyway. When he came back in, he had his other boot. "Where the hell ARE we anyway?" He asked.
"...um." Sam chewed on his finger absently as he tried to recall just where they had been for the bellydancing and hookah extravaganza. Answers were not coming. "I'm...not entirely positive. I don't suppose this place has robes?"
Digger saw the phone and pushed it at Sam while he was going through drawers looking for things. "Call down to the desk and see if you can get any information out of them." He suggested. "I'm looking to see if I can find anymore of our stuff."
SCORE camera. But he wasn't about to grab that just yet. He'd wait till Sam was distracted first...
"Let's hope they speak English then. I am far too hung over to try to piece anything together." Sam took the phone, seeing the number for the front desk on it but also seeing definitely non-English words with it.
He was relieved when the woman's voice on the other end answered in English, heavily accented English, but English all the same.
"Oh, yes, hello. No, just a question actually."
Digger hid the camera in his toga and snuck toward the bathroom. Then while Sam was talking on the phone, as quietly as he could took the picture. YES! Ha! Sam in women's underwear on a bed talking on the phone. PERFECT!
Quietly, was not quiet enough. Well, the quiet was good, but the stealth didn't quite work on Sam. He didn't have time to react before the picture, however.
"You bastard!"
Click.
"Crap, hello? I think I may have pissed off the staff. I really hope they don't have my pants."
Digger started roaring in laughter as he realized what had happened. He collapsed against the side of the doorframe, holding his head because of the pain, but also unable to NOT laugh. Helpless to the pain and laughter, he slid to the floor. "OH hey... socks." He said as he looked under the dresser from his position on the floor.
"You're finding socks and all I have of mine is my shirt? Where did I undress?" Sam wasn't sure he wanted to know. On the other hand, it was probably a really fun memory if it would actually come. Still, right now all he wanted was pants. "So...robe possibilities?"
He was giggling a bit as he finally forced himself back up to his knees. "Oh yeah yeah robes um... yeah..." He started opening the little closet in the room, looking through more drawers and finally. SUCCESS!
Sort of. Um... huh. Well... It almost covered his naughty bits, right? A short kimono type thing. "Red's really your color, mate!" He assured as he tossed it toward him. Though honestly, Digger's overshirt which caused his so called 'man-skirt' was longer!
Sam didn't catch the robe. Robe'let' really. He refused to accept that this served any practical purpose...well, both he and Digger knew the purpose it served. "This is the provided robe?" Sam did finally pick it up. "I swear, if I didn't know any better I'd say we got a honeymoon suite."
A look of fear passed over Sam's face while he put on the robe as he realized he didn't know any better.
Digger started to laugh and then choked. "Oh no." Because he wasn't sure himself. "Uh what's usually in those kind of things?" How the hell would HE know? He'd never gotten any closer to those than walking past them once or twice. Not that they could legally er... but, not like that would stop them from renting it? Eep.
Maybe it was time for AA after all.
"No idea. Hell, we dont' even know what country we're in, let alone the kind of room. Surely the others wouldn't let us get that plastered. Not without being around to see the results anyway." Sam tied the robe, despite the lack of good that actually did.
"Where ARE the others?" He suddenly asked. He rubbed his head, throwing on his overshirt as he sat down on the edge of the bed. Ow! TENDER! Eep. Tattoo? Yeah. Blue frog. No one must ever know about this, ever. "Okay, Mick left during or before the bellydancing... Len left before that. I remember him puking in a... fern?" He wasn't sure. "But, we had someone with us, didn't we?"
"Yeees," Sam let the word trail off, chewing at his index finger again as he thought. Apparently, this helped as half of a memory came back. "Yes, and they were at the bellydancing thing with us for sure because whoever it was kept singing some song...got it stuck in my head but it was fitting or something. Don't know."
"I don't... wait, yeah... yeah it was. But I can't remember the words. Just the sound of the music. And a disturbing mental image of Yul Brenner?" He shuddered.
"If you were mixing Yul Brenner with bellydancing I think we can rest assured this isn't a honeymoon suite." Though, Sam still wasn't all together certain on just what had transpired in this room. "Okay, who would get bad mental images stuck in our head with singing annoying catchy songs for bellydancing. Was James still with us?"
He gingerly scratched the back of his head, trying to remember before putting his socks on. Now he had an overshirt on, with socks, and nothing else. So he kept the sheet over his lap. "Um. I'm trying to think. No. He'd freaked out when he realized the bellydancer wasn't a girl. Well, he said he wasn't freaking out, but he wanted to go home. Wait, he went home through the same portal as Mick. Yeah, yeah... so that left... Piper?"
Music was Piper's thing after all. "Oh, my god, we lost Piper!"
"Shit!" Piper and pants? "Okay, I remember him being there now...I don't remember where he went after that, though. And I don't think that the desk clerk is going to be giving me any information judging by that click...not that we check into anywhere with real names anyway...shit."
"Okay, okay um... he's a big boy. I'm sure he's fine." He was telling himself that more than anything. "Pants. First we find our pants. THEN we find the Piper." He suggested. Annnd... what was that peeking out the window? He went to it and opened the sash. Ha! Digger's pants. They'd been hanging partway out the window. He shook them out and started to ease them on. "Ow ow ow." Tattoo!
Sam rushed the window but his hopes of pants along with Digger's was dashed. "You think Piper has my pants maybe?"
Digger still wasn't firing on all cylinders as he looked over at Sam. "Why would he want your pants? They'd fall off his skinny arse."
"There are all ready so many things I have no explanation for that Piper having my pants would be normal in comparison." Sam sighed. They had their mission laid out for them. "We're going to have to try to retrace our steps or something...and we're going to have to buy some pants. I don't suppose you have money?"
"No? But I'm a thief. I don't see this as an obstacle." He raised his eyebrows. "This is what we do. Steal!" He squared his shoulders and prepared to go out into the 'beyond'. In other words, the hallway.
"We don't know where we are, Digger. This might be one of those 'chop your hands off' kind of places...though I suppose if I don't get anything chopped off walking around like this we should be able to steal whatever we want." Sam squared his shoulders as well, moving to open the door.
"Look, maybe you should stay, right here? Let me go steal you some pants, and then I'll come back." Digger said, a bit worried now. "Last thing we need if your bits and pieces cut off."
"Is splitting up really any better of an idea, though?" Really, both were bad ideas but Sam wasn't sure which was worse. "...hey, maybe we can just steal pants from one of the rooms?"
"That's pretty much what I was planning on doing. Just I want to do it from another floor." No sense robbing on the same floor. "Come on if you're sure." He gave the kimono a dubious look. "Just don't bend over, unless you want everyone to see your tackle."
Sam couldn't help but laugh. He didn't really know how else to react but to laugh. "No intentions of putting on any more of a show than I already am." He opened the door, glad to see that there wasn't anyone in the hallway.
Digger scouted ahead, looking around the corner to make sure no one was coming and then pushed the button on the elevator. Going up! Ding. Then boggled as the door opened. "How, the hell... Found your pants." He said, pulling them down from the railing on the back of the elevator."
"..." Sam had no words, he just thankfully grabbed his pants from Digger and put them on. Pants! He had pants! "So...I'm both terrified and morbidly curious what is on this place's security footage now. Please tell me I don't want it cleared up."
"You don't want it cleared up? Because I'm completely sure that anything that required you stripping in the elevator and wearing women's knickers, is not something we want on security cam." Digger snorted, though he looked slightly distressed.
He rubbed his forehead. "Jesus Christ, what the hell did we get up to last night?" The problem was, it looked bad no matter how you tried to look at it. There was no 'innocent explanation' that he could even begin to conceive of. "Okay, facts facts facts. Let's just... try to look at facts. You apparently started stripping before getting out of the elevator. You have women's knickers on. Which, I'm going to just assume for the sake of argument isn't your usual choice of underwear. Both of our clothes were strung out around the room and bathroom. Annnd, you have a line around your throat that is either bondage related of some kind, or uh... hickies around your throat. Either is possible. Is there any way possible that there is a reasonable and innocent explanation for this? Hookers usually would have robbed us completely blind and tied us up before leaving." Because, come on, they would have been easy marks last night.
"You just never know, do you?" Well, no, they definitely weren't his usual choice and he was fairly certain he didn't start the night in them. That brought up a whole new load of questions; where were his boxers, where did he get the 'replacements', was there an angry local short her bra and panties. Sam looked up at the reflective doors of the elevator, having forgotten about his neck in his joy upon recieving his pants. "Holy hell, what are you, a hoover? Okay...I think we do need to get this cleared up. Also we might need a cover story of sorts."
Digger flushed slightly. Okay, well, apparently Sam thought the same thing he did. That it was very possible Digger put those marks on Sam. Oh, god.
"Okay, um, security. We'll break into wherever they have the security tapes. Take a quick look. Hell maybe it'll spur our memories as to what we did with Piper. Because I'm pretty sure that once Trickster stops being freaked out, he'll be mad we lost him. I don't feel like having itching powder in everything I touch for the next year!"
"The last thing I need is itching powder in this underwear." Sam had to agree, though, he noticed that his question on whether or not Digger was secretly a vacuum cleaner went unanswered. "Okay, so security is most likely near the front desk yeah?"
Digger scratched his shoulder because the power of suggestion was a strong thing, and Trickster with itching powder was just as dangerous as any of them with weapons. "In my experience, yeah. Usually behind the front desk. If we can just get in there, initially, we can use one of your mirrors to get the hell out after we look at the tape."
"Look and ensure nobody else is going to be seeing it?" Sam was feeling slightly squirmy himself and was attempting to reassure himself it was just the thought of itching powder and that the panties they had decided to get however they did didn't have crabs as an extra bonus. Mirrors! Sam checked his pockets now that he had them. "Yes, we're good to go with mirrors."
He pressed the lobby button, trying to figure out how they were going to get past the clerk. He also worried about what the clerk may say upon meeting them. Because he had no idea what name they had signed in under. What their 'story' was, if they had any. But he braced himself all the same as he stepped out of the elevator and walked the hall toward the front desk. There was smirking. It never boded well when there was smirking from the clerk. It was nearly as bad as scowling.
Sam dropped his voice. "I'll distract and ask if they have a map we could have." He still had the kimono on, that was probably distracting. "You do the unassuming tourist thing and try to get info. I'll meet you in?"
"Good luck." Digger wished him, going off to wander and try to act natural. Act natural. Act natural wearing blue and white boomerang shirt. That was always a bit tough.
Sam just put on his biggest 'I know very well what I did last night and I even know where I am. Ignore the man with me and focus on me and my strange choice of dress...like you probably did last night.' act. "Hello, you don't happen to have a map we could take with us by any chance? We sort of...lost track of ours last night." Oh, now the smirking was joined by suppressed laughter. Excellent.
Digger wanted so much to ask WHAT DO YOU KNOW! TELL US! Okay so that wasn't asking. That was demanding. But he was trying to be stealthy. Stealthy was still hard, but he was holding his breath and had made a wide circuit around. And the he was squeezing through the door.
From the people at the front desk, Sam was getting the distinct feeling that what he had lost in the elevator he might have started to get rid of in the lobby. He had a map now, at least, and asked if there had been a red-haired man looking for them, but no such luck on that front. With a thank you and a sheepish smile, Sam made to pretend to slip off towards what he was almost sure were bathrooms.
Digger was in the security office frantically looking for what would be the tape and camera for the elevator, as well as the lobby, and their hallway. He only relaxed a fraction when he started to find them and line them up. He watched them in reverse at speed until he found 'them'. Then paused it, and looked at the time stamp and reversed all the other tapes to the point they would have appeared, and then lined them up so they could watch it in sequence.
Sam squeezed in once he was sure that the coast was clear. "Any luck? I have the distinct feeling we gave the staff an interesting show."
"I found us, but I've not watched it yet." He whispered to him. "Was waiting for you, since well. Yeah." He nodded. He eased things back a bit further and then let them play out. Annnnd there they were in the lobby.
Sam winced as he was greated by drunken singing, not quite able to decipher the words but recognizing the song that Piper had gotten stuck in their heads. He squinted at the screen, mouth opening slightly as he decided that he would most likely find his belt by the potted fern at the hotel's doorway. That is, unless some worker had wanted a keepsake.
Digger covered his eyes and then forced himself to uncover them. As fun as it was to get drunk, it was very sobering to watch oneself from a distance during such. "Maybe we should rethink the AA thing." He said quietly as he watched himself hug a potted tree and kiss one of the leaves. At some point though, he'd stopped singing whatever it was they were singing and was making up his own words. But one thing was clear, he was trying to sing 'One night in Bangkok.' and it was coming out more along the lines of 'one night of banging cock'. He wanted to sink into the floor now.
"I don't know, our drunk selves just helped our sober selves figure out where the hell we are." Sam was laughing enough he could feel himself shaking as he watched his drunken counterpart trying to correct Digger's lyrics only to get to "makes a hard man humble" and cracking up, flopping against Digger and the potted tree.
Digger did start to snicker at the scene in front of them. Because yeah, it was hilarious. He shook his head slowly as they became tangled up in the tree, and each other. "Soooo does this mean we ended up in Thailand?" He asked. "Based on a song, that Piper was probably singing at some point to irritate us." That sounded about like something they'd do while drunk. He pointed to the screen. "Oh god." No wonder there was smirkage.
"I would guess so." He looked down at the map he had received, unfolding it to check. "Yeah, Bangkok. There's one mystery solved." he folded it back up, looking up again to see what had brought on the 'Oh god' and cringed as he watched himself trying to climb onto the front desk as he signed them in. "Oh...I can just imagine how this plays out. I'm getting the distinct feeling they threw the pants in after us on the elevator."
He covered his eyes. "I can't look. Just tell me what we do?" He whimpered softly. Because the last sight he saw before covering his eyes, was that he'd started to... dance? Digger had started to do a little dance... oi.
"Well, there went my pants right on cue...I already have on the panties though." Sam's voice went up as he spoke, quite distressed at the apparent fact that the panties had been earlier in the night. "and they're trying to herd us into the elevator."
He peeked between his fingers. "You... you do! Where the hell did you put those on?" He asked in shock. He covered his eyes again once he keyed the elevator to start playing. The last thing he saw before covering his eyes again was the pants being thrown in after them. Digger was also still dancing, but apparently trying to dance with Sam now.
"I don't know!" Sam couldn't help the flailing and wanted to hide his eyes too as elevator dancing started to pick up. "...I think we're trying to bellydance. Oh god, we are." he gave up on the desire to cover his eyes, hypnotized by what he was watching now.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God." Digger said in awed horror as he once more peeked between his fingers to catch sight of them. "I was not made for that kind of dancing." Thank god the ride was over soon enough and he keyed the camera for the hallway. Where they were spilling out into the hallway itself, and had of course forgotten Sam's pants.
"I seemed like I was a determined teacher though." Sam just let himself laugh, leaning back against the wall as he watched them stumbling about the hallway, half using the other for support, half trying to steer the other one way or the other. "I now have a new appreciation for the saying 'the blind leading the blind'. This is ridiculous."
"Yeahhhhh, the blind drunk leading the blind drunk." He agreed sighing as he finally took his hands off his face and watched them. Trying to get their door open and unlocked was apparently a true chore. Each trying to be helpful. "Yeah you're a determined teacher. I got the swivel of the hips down, but... why in the HELL am I even analyzing this?" He wondered suddenly, smacking his forehead in dismay. "Ow."
"Because it's hilarious? I was hoping to see what the hell you did to my neck, myself. But yes, you've got the swivel of the hips down." Sam had to wipe a tear from laughter out of the corner of his eyes as he turned back to watching drunk Digger persistently try to work the door while drunk Sam seemed perfectly content to just stick to dancing in the hall.
The door was opened and Digger apparently fell INTO the room, and from there disappeared from view. Except for his hand, which crept out and grabbed Sam, pulling him in suddenly. The door shutting with a slam seconds later.
Digger patiently fast forwarded, watching the tape to see if anyone else entered or exited. But unfortunately, the door stayed shut until they left many minutes ago. "Um, I... uh... well. We know now that whatever happened, did happen in there with just us two. This wouldn't be so damn bad if we could just remember it."
Digger finally burst out. "If I had fun, I want to remember having fun!" He pushed a few buttons and erased all three tapes with a grumble.
"Well...your clothes had to come off somehow." Sam pointed out not so helpfully, sighing a bit as the taped fun was over. "Maybe it'll come back to us?" They could hope anyway. Now that he thought of it and had been reminded of it Sam could recall some of the front desk antics. "In any case, I think that it's time we got looking for Piper."
"So not going to kill me if it does come back to us?" Digger asked quietly. Because that would ruin remembering any of the fun, that was for sure. But yeah, they lost the rest of their clothes somehow. "I'm sincerely trying to remember where we lost him. And all I can seem to remember is laughing, a lot. Which doesn't tell me much." He admitted. "And cards? Did we play cards with someone?" He asked.
"Unless given a new reason to kill you? No. I don't think you forced me to get drunk and put on different underwear." Sam snorted at the question. If there was any fun to be had it was both of their doing, after all. "Cards...oooh yes, we played cards with some local after the dancing place started to close, is that right?"
Digger was still relieved to hear that. Because some of the others? They would just have beat him to a pulp because they wouldn't want to admit or cop to anything like that ever passing through their heads. Drunk or not. But now he was concentrating, trying to remember. "We were running kind of low on money by then, and being so drunk, we would have been playing to lose regardless. But the game, it was rather high stakes? And he didn't... He didn't speak much English, did he? I remember a heavy accent?" He frowned. "What did we use to bet with?"
"...god, that isn't how I ended up with panties, is it?"
He frowned, shaking his head slowly. "Nooooo, I don't... I don't think so." And then suddenly it came to him how Sam ended up in panties. He clapped a hand to his mouth, his eyes wide. "Piper was drunk. Very very drunk too. He was nearly passed out." He paused in memory. "You put them on while we dressed HIM up in women's clothing. Sam? We gambled Piper away as a virgin bride." The words, saying them aloud, didn't sound any better than they had in his head. "We put him in the 'pot' and lost the hand. He's going to kill us."
"...we bet Piper..." No, it didnt' sound less absurd when it came out of your own mouth. Sam swallowed. "Oh God, he's going to kill us creatively."
Sam concentrated on not whimpering as he imagined just how they would die; painfully, shamefully, fully embarrassed, and hearing one hell of a soap box lecture. Sam's mouth fell open again as the memories started to piece together and the dressing Piper scene played out in full for him. "So...we've got to find this guy."
"We are so completely and utterly screwed." He breathed, in horror. "I'm not sure what will kill us first. The Blatt, his lecture, or our embarrassment factor when he makes us dance to a tune of his choosing in front of everyone." Or all three. "We're going to die."
And the fact that he said that with complete conviction spoke of how utterly sure he was that Piper could in fact kill someone with the power of a lecture. "Yeah yeah, we need to find him, and hope we get to him before the honeymoon." He slapped a hand over his eyes. "And get the hell back to Keystone hopefully before Piper sobers up enough to realize not only was he dressed as a blushing bride, but that you stole the naughty knickers we were going to put him in."
"Well...he might be relieved I stole the 'naughty knickers'?" Sam tried to look hopeful that that would be some sort of saving grace, but he knew very well that that fell flat on it's face. "Okay, we're going to die. The longer it takes though, the longer he's going to make our suffering linger." He pulled himself straight, taking a deep breath.
"So...where were we when we were...gambling Piper?" Oh God.
Digger listened at the door, making sure no one was coming yet. Thinking as hard as he could. Oh god, his brain was going to explode and drain out of his ear. Sadly, Piper wouldn't even appreciate all the pain and suffering they were... suffering. "It couldn't have been too far. Because we walked in." He said trying to use logic. Drunken logic at that. "So, I figure we need to go outside, and look for the most likely place?"
"Maybe try to ask the locals? We made an impression on the hotel, we probably did walking here too." Sam paused, going a bit pale. "I hope we didn't do anything that'll have the cops here looking for us. That'll make things a bit harder." Nothing for it though, outside was their best bet. "Let's go."
"I really hope my boxers are where we changed Piper." Sam added.
"I... kind of hope so too." Digger nodded. Because those panties did NOT look comfortable. He was pretty sure they were the kind that gave you instant wedgies. He peeked both ways and then scooted out when he saw the receptionist was busy. Then went round and about and then toward the door. Whew. At least something had gone right! At least, until he stepped outside. Splash! He looked up at the rain falling and cursed. "Wonder where we left Mark?" He muttered to himself. "Oh yeah, France..." Hm... aw well.
"Pity, we could have probably tried to use him to win Piper back." No, that was the kind of thinking that lost Piper in the first place. "Okay, in the video it looked like we came from that way...that doesn't mean much but it's a start at least." He shrugged, pointing off to the left. "So...walk until we find a seedy looking hangout?"
"Sounds like a plan to me." Digger nodded, feeling his head pound. "Maybe we'll get some more of our memory back if we see it?" It was a hope at least. He tilted his head back feeling the rain on his head hoping it would help his headache. "If we find a chemist on the way, I say we steal some Tylenol."
"Amen hallefreakingujah if we find some tylenol." Sam had some doubts they would be too successful. He was of the opinion, though, that that would have been a great room service at the hotel. Oh well, they were on a mission. He started walking forward, shaking his head to rid him of some of the rain and regretting the motion almost immediately.
Digger reached out a hand to try to steady him. "Yeah, don't do that." They passed a restaurant and he felt his stomach try to turn at the smell of the spicy food. Glahhbargh. He hurried into the alley and let go. Probably for the best. He always felt better after just getting rid of it all.
"See anything that looks familiar?" Hell, that might help too but God only knows where they were last they ate. Sam leaned against the closest wall, waiting for things to stop the momentary spin they had started. Breathe in, breathe out. The world isn't going around that quickly.
"How can something so damn fun, make you so sick later." It was a rhetorical question. He rubbed his head. "I dunno. It would help if everything would stop wobbling." He forced himself to concentrate though. Then saw something a bit down the road. It was sodden and in wet heap. The blue had caught his attention. "I think I found my hat. We're on the right track." He said grabbing it up off the ground and nearly falling on his head. He squeezed it in his hand, wringing it out and then shoving it in his pocket.
"We left ourselves a trail of breadcrumbs, excellent. And don't say wobbling, it encourages it." Sam was a bit slower in following this time, squinting down the road, half in hoping to see something, half in fighting the wobbling and the headache.
Digger looped his arm through Sam's. Between the two of them, they could probably stay upright by wobbling in opposite directions. He pointed to a sign. "I remember that sign." He didn't add that he remembered KISSING that sign. He was apparently very affectionate last night. A drunk Digger turned out to be one of two things. Either angry or affectionate. Last night, had been affectionate.
"I don't...but I'll take your word for it." Sam leaned a bit more as he looked around. He went rigid as he looked down the next street, though. "Um...Digger...do you see the mannequin in that window wearing a certain polka dotted 'tunic'?"
"Oh god." He put a hand to his forehead. "When did we do that?" Of course it was after they'd gambled Piper off. "That's where we got the clothes!" He said as he realized it. "It has to be close now." He said. "Uh I think we should steal the tunic back real quick though. Go ahead, there's a mirror to the side of the mannequin, just... pop in there and get it."
"He's going to be really cranky if we can't find his boots." Sam cringed, stabling himself on his feet before going towards the glass to work his mirror magic. It was probably a good thing it was raining, not many people were out to see him robbing a front window in broad daylight. But, then again, he was a professional and soon had the costume in hand.
"Yeahhhhh he likes those boots." He admitted. "He says they're comfortable. Probably are. I'll keep my shin guards, thanks." Because inciting the wrath of Golden Glider so often, it was just prudent! He looked further down the street. "We're close. Verrrrry close." The street was getting rougher looking, but still 'bright' in a way. The fake glitz that reminded him of Las Vagas. High rollers and low lifes. Yep this was the place!
"Funny, I thought he kept them because they were supposedly 'fuck me'...boots." Sam pointed, seeing that someone had apparently agreed with the boots 'fuck me' status. That was definitely a hooker in Piper's boots. You didn't have to be a local to recognize that.
"Oh great. Well, we know where we got the knickers from." He sighed. "How are we going to get the boots off the hooker? Wait, got an idea. Side trip to a jewelry store in France, grab a diamond and bring it back for the bike?" He asked, pointing at the woman. "I'll keep her here if you'll get the diamond. Don't wanna risk getting back and she's toddled off."
"...I suddenly feel itchy. Please tell me it's just my imagination." Sam whined, cringing.
"It's your imagination." Digger replied in rote.
"Right, I'll be back, you be a good bike rack." Sam still cringed, repeating a mental mantra of the itching being all in his head.
"I'll give her a good look over, make sure it is in yer head." He promised, patting his shoulder. "Cause, pretty sure if you got something, you would have given it to ME." He jerked a thumb to himself. He was starting to accept that things may have gone on. Cause if he kissed a sign and a plant, he would have easily kissed Sam among other things. "But I think it's your imagination and worry. Cause I'm not itchy anymore." He patted his back again and called to the hooker, who immediately broke into laughter at seeing him. Oh, joy.
"...anymore?" Sam didn't wait for an explanation though, heading off on his ring quest.
All in my head...all in my head. There is no itch. No itch.
The hooker laughed and waved, cupping her mouth to shout over to him. "You lose pantie friend?"
"You mean the guy we got the knickers for? Yesssss, we did sort of lose him. Do you happen to know where we left him?" He asked, might as well be honest about it. He smiled at her. "Look, love, would it be too much trouble to trade you a diamond for them boots back? When we find our friend, he'll be very sad if he doesn't have his boots. And you would look lovely with a diamond."
She didn't mean Piper, having missed seeing Sam before he had vanished. She nodded though. "Diamond? See it first." She wasn't about to give up these boots for just anything. They were comfortable and they were fabulous. She would look lovely with a diamond, however.
"It's coming now." He assured her. He was going to take it that she didn't know. "Will be back before you know it. Last night is a bit woggy. Where did we find you?"
She turned and pointed down and across the street at what might be the brightest, tackiest building on the street. "At the back door."
Diamond in hand, Sam slipped back onto the street and was very relieved to see it. He had also taken a little detour in Minsk which was unexpected.
"There he is. Thanks luv, you've been a big help." He told her with a wink. "Sam?" He waved him over. Then he pointed at the building she pointed out. He was starting to find it a bit familiar.
Sam looked at where Digger was pointing and almost winced as he realized that, yes, that was familiar. Well, that was a good thing although the memories it stirred up were strange indeed. He reassured himself that all of the itching was in his head and made his way over, diamond extended just out of the woman's grasp. "I believe we're interested in a trade."
She held her hand out.
Sam held his free hand out for the boots.
"I want to see if it's real."
"I don't want you running off in the boots."
She eyed the diamond, then eyed both Sam and Digger. "...fine." She sat down to take the boots off.
"Knew you'd see it our way." Digger smiled, holding his hands out for the boots. While he did so, he looked at her carefully. There was no suspicious wiggling. No discrete crotch scratching. Didn't see any nits. Nothing crawling along the skin. Nothing on her neck. Good good. Whew.
"Diamonds are a girl's best friend." She held her hand out expectantly.
Sam handed the diamond over, giving Digger a little smirk. "Both Len and Lisa would want to hurt me for seeing a certain resemblance, wouldn't they?"
Digger nodded, but smirked as well. "I think they'd have some words for you, yes." He chuckled. He took the boots and straightened up, folding the tops down and putting the costume on top of it. Good good. They could at least try to appease Piper a little bit with the costume. Not that it would save their lives completely, but he might be more merciful and make it quicker when he kills them.
"So this place doesn't exactly look like something that would be open this early, does it?" Sam asked as he walked towards the gaudy building, trying to imagine just how it looked with everything lit up. It must attract drunks like moths to flames. "But who knows, might be something inside."
"It's probably for the best." He stated. "This is the kind of place that the high rollers would be allowed to stay in the penthouse apartments up top. If everyone is closed down below, and the fancypants up above are sleeping it off? We might be able to find Piper and run off with him before they wake up. Might lighten them of their excess wealth as well." He grinned at Sam suddenly. "After all, we're just making it so they don't have to carry as much home. We're doing a service. Don't think they'll take it well anyway to get Piper alone or home and try to unwrap the package. Blushing brides don't usually have their own tallywacker unless it comes with batteries."
"You never know, it might be considered a surprise bonus." He shrugged, looking up at the higher windows and letting a grin creep over his face, suddenly feeling much better. "Well, I'm always game to do a service. Shall we then?"
"I do believe we shall!" He grinned. He went to the door and inspected it. "Easy peasy." He pronounced. The alarm wasn't that hard to disengage and circumvent and the lock was child's play. He popped the door open and waved Sam in with a bow. "After you!"
"Why thank you!" Sam bowed back and stepped inside. Dark, smelling of booze and smoke, and with an air of seediness. Yes, this was definitely their kind of place. Sam also saw where he had first decided that dancing was a great idea, but tried to ignore that part, instead pointing to the stairs and nodding back to Digger. Mission selected, next level.
Flashes of memory. Here and there. Laughter, drinks, half understood conversations. He nodded at Sam and carefully went up the steps, holding a boomerang in one hand, and the clothes in the other. This place wouldn't be without more security. Ah, a guard at the top of the stairs at the next landing, but said guard was in a chair snoring. Well, that was fine with Digger. He tiptoed past and went up the next flight. Another guard, but awake. He silently gestured at Sam. Flashing his boomerang so that the reflected light landed on the wall. Silent signal that Sam was up to 'hypnotize' the guard. Make him sleep.
Sam gave a quick nod and got to work, soon adding the guard's snoring with the other's. "Loud bunch" he mouthed, sliding his mirror up his sleeve for the time being.
Now, where to start? Sam went to the first door, carefully leaning in to listen if he could hear anyone inside.
He was checking other doors and frowned when he heard snoring from the other side of one. "Hm... I think I know that snore." Digger slowly smirked and gestured toward the door. It was locked though. But it was locked from the outside. Which meant they were trying to keep what was inside, inside. "I found our bride." He whispered to Sam, opening the door quietly.
Sam leaned over and listened, nodding. "Yeah, doing the sleeping beauty routine." He pulled his mirror out, preparing for whoever else might be in the room.
The snoring was unnervingly louder once the door was opened.
"Thank god. That means he doesn't know yet!" He sighed in relief. He shut the door behind them and jammed his boomerang into the crevice to block it shut. "Let's get him stripped out of his dress and put back in his uniform. Have your mirror ready, just in case he starts to wake up. Hate to do it, but if there is any way POSSIBLE, that we can get out of this with a minimum of whinging on his part? I'll take it!" He said kneeling down beside the young man. He pulled off the dainty high heels they'd put on his feet the night before.
Sam laid the clothes out and worked on getting the mirror ready. "Well, we put him in it, I'm sure we can get him out of it-hey, underwear!" Sam grabbed at his boxers sticking out from under the dresser, holding them up victoriously for a moment before returning to his work.
"Okay, I lift, you pull, ready?" Sam moved over to Piper, ready to carefully lift him up enough to make the clothes removal easier.
Digger nodded and then laughed silently at the finding of the boxers. They could thoroughly inspect the underwear and his tackle later if necessary just to make sure that everything was as it should be. Well, uh, he meant that in a medical way? Maybe? Oh god. This trip was murder on his brain. He pulled the tights off and was relieved to see they had left Piper's underwear on under the hose. Then he worked to get the tights he normally wore up over his legs. Then put the boots on next. He worked the zip down and then pulled the dress up over and off of Piper's head. Overshirt on, belt, trumpet in place. Hat? Hat... where's the damn hat? OH! They'd left it there by the chair. Hat on head. He was a bit rumpled, but dressed! And still sawing logs. He smiled though at something else. "Do you see what I see?" He asked Sam. He pointed at the safe in the wall. "Put all his precious things in one room, didn't he? Lucky for us!"
"Who on earth leaves the safe with the new wife?" Sam just grinned, walking up to the safe terribly tempted to kiss it. "I say he deserves to lose it, don't you?" Sam cracked his knuckles and got to work on the safe.
"I totally agree!" Digger grinned. "Probably figured such a tender frail little Sheila couldn't posssssibly figure out how to open it." He reasoned as he went around the room, looting. They were going to have a good haul! YES. Things were looking up!
"Or he figured he'd hear when she stopped snoring." Sam looked over to Piper, nudging him slightly then thinking better of it since they didn't want him awake just yet. "Seriously, how does he not wake himself up?" Anyway, safebreaking! Safebreaking was...slow. It helped when you had lasers though! Well, as long as you didn't burn up everything that was inside.
"I think he has internal controls on those things, and he turns them all the way down when he sleeps." Digger put forth his theory. "Otherwise, as sensitive as his hearing is? He'd hear a mouse fart down the street and it would keep him awake." He looked Piper over a final time, making sure he'd not been harmed or interfered with in any way... well, other than how they themselves had done. Then got everything bundled together for easier escape later before going to Sam's side. He crept up beside Sam, watching him work. But also was acting as look out, by watching the door and the windows.
"...you mean we've completely missed wonderful chances to mess with him while he's sleeping?" Sam looked up, feeling slightly disappointed with himself for not taking advantage of this before. Well, no matter. At least he had an open safe now. "Ooooh" He pulled his mirror out, stuffing the contents of the safe inside. "Anything else before we make our grand escape?"
He was about to make a suggestion but in the distance he could hear frantic yelling and shook his head. "Time to GO!" He said, grabbing Piper up and lugging him over his shoulder. "Let's get the hell out of here." He could hear people running down the hall.
Crap! Sam was up and looking for a way out, other door, decent sized mirror, anything. "Why in the hell is there nothing shiny?" Sam hurried for the window hoping for a way out there.
"This, sucks." Digger gritted his teeth, shifting Piper a bit on his shoulder and went to the window with Sam. They were trying to get the door open. "Now or never, mate." He pronounced, slipping out the window, and hoping for the best. "PUDDLE!" Digger pointed where it had been raining. Please let that work!
"Perfect!" Sam aimed and fired at the puddle. He grabbed the window ledge under him, swinging down to the next. "I'll get down to the bottom and you can pass Piper to me"
He nodded. He shifted Piper in his arms, making a face as he realized the other man had drooled on him and prepared to drop him down to Sam. They were battering at the door.
Sam let himself drop the rest of the way to the ground and promptly fell on his ass. Apparently grace went with being able to function hangover free. He picked himself up though. "Toss 'em!"
Digger didn't bother to nod, instead he grabbed Piper's arms and dangled him over the edge, aimed him, and then dropped him down to Sam. Perfect aim, even with a completely limp body. The door broke in the room and Digger stepped off the ledge, tuck and roll. He landed hard, groaning at the bruises he'd have now. He jarred his knee as well, but still, limped over to where Sam would have Piper and ready to jump through the makeshift 'mirror'. People above them, had guns and were shouting in a language he didn't understand. "Ta!" He waved bye to them.
"Quit visiting and get you ass down here!" Sam slung Piper over his shoulder, gesturing impatiently towards the puddle.
"Yes dear." Digger called back and dived into the puddle.
With a slight splashing, Piper and Sam followed Digger through, rolling out the mirror hanging up in the safehouse's bathroom. "We really need to rethink the bathroom mirror considering what we use it for the most part. Sick of flopping out onto the sink, aren't you?"
Digger was still holding his arse from landing on the sink's faucet. "I agree. It's time to get a big full sized mirror." He said, walking almost bow-legged. Ow ow ow ow. Oh, GOD Tattoo, hurt pain, ow. Fuck. OW! "Let's just throw him in a bed, let him sleep it off. I don't know about you? But I'm wiped."
"God yes." Sam slumped against the wall, letting Piper slide down for a rest as well. "Advil and bed, that's the plan." He muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose, suddenly quite tired. "...and to change clothes."
"Oh, and a shower might be an idea too..." He paused. "Might give you a look over?" He half offered. "Just to make sure everythings... like it should be?" It was a tentative offer.
"Make sure neither of us have any more new tattoos, froggy?
He shrugged a shoulder. "Among other things." But he didn't press. He noticed that they were kind of leaving Piper on the floor, but at least he was 'home'.
"Other things, sounds good."
With a nod and a smile, he opened the door and they left Piper snoring on the floor.
Later, they'd get a lecture about how terrible it was to be left on the floor snoring with a hangover.
But at least, it was a lecture they could survive through.
The picture that started it all, aka Digger's blackmail material
