Comments | flash_indie: Flower Pin

flash_indie

Flower Pin

Sep 25, 2005 12:34

Title: Daisy Pin
Rating: PG
Fandom: Bleach
Disclaimer: Don’t own, don’t sue
Summary: On that day, for some reason, I really hated the hairpins my brother got for me.

( I don’t like slutty girls who dye their hair.” )

the country inside my head, bleach

Comments 3

wintersjuly September 25 2005, 14:19:16 UTC

Hmm, I like it. I haven't read many fics on Orihime yet, but that's probably because I concerntrate on the boy smut too much.

It's a very tightly constricted piece of writing. You had one line or a couple which you explained in a limited amount of writing in the next paragraph. I quite like it, many pieces of writing tend to just ramble on, however with such a structure, it forces you to get to the point quickly, thus you convey a lot in a short amount.

The brunette stared at her brother eagerly, “Never! Alien saucepans of death would have to rampage the planet first! They’d not be used to Japan’s vegetation, and so they’d feast away at my memories, when all they really needed was for someone to tell them that niisan’s obento boxes tasted so much better than stinky old brain stuffs! And then they’d realise it from my memories that they’d eaten and throw up all my brain again and give it back! Ah!” Orihime threw her skinny arms around her brother’s waist, “Thank you for saving me, niisan!”This, is such an Orihime thing to say. It ( ... )

flash_indie September 27 2005, 10:15:27 UTC

Hallo! Thank you for commenting *huggles you*

Constructive crit. much much appreciated.

Anywho, sorry it took me so long to reply, I've been, well, *school books miraculously fall from the sky and bury the poor gal typing* Ya. Schooling.

Glad you enjoyed it, and I must say, that I am particularly fond of Orihime, which is weird, coz I don't normally like the female characters. I think people don't give her enough credit, they're all like *cough*ditz*cough*, but that's not really the case, so much crap has happened to her.

Yea, as I was writing, I got the feeling of too much 'but' and 'and'...Not really sure why I didn't change it..*blinks* I'll work on it ^^.

Much appreciated feedback! I'll have to work on a slash, just for you! (I'll try not to butcher it too much *sweatdrops*)

wintersjuly September 27 2005, 13:23:13 UTC

Yay! I get something dedicated to me again. This, *must* be my month.