"We place our faith in the Great Heart of Perfect Wisdom."
There's so much I could put into an LJ entry, yet too many other ways to fill my time. But there's one theme that I find myself earnestly wanting to attempt articulating, wanting to leave myself a reminder that I've been seeing and pondering…
The title of this entry is from the 'Return of Merit' that we chant at the end of every chanting service, returning the merit of our chanting to Shakyamuni Buddha and the 3 famous boddhisattvas in service of the enlightenment of all sentient beings. Of all the lines in that Return of Merit, this one has been leaping out to grab me… I keep realizing that these days, I'm growing to see a little and trust a little in the wisdom of the universe, both the universe as a whole and my self as a wise & powerful being.
For instance, why am I here at the Zen Center? I thought I wanted a retreat, an interlude to find balance in my life, spend time lightly considering my future job or my past childhood. That rationed, relaxing vision bears absolutely no resemblance at all to the all-consuming intensity, hardship, and pain in all parts of my mind-body -- in my limbs first as I got used to sitting cross-legged, now in deeper parts of my heart and psyche -- that Zen has brought me, with a few times of joy. (Lest you all think I'm a masochist, I'm not; so far, I usually feel sure that this is healing, growing pain. Khalil Gibran says, in the chapter of The Prophet titled On Pain, "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.") Would I have volunteered for this time at the Zen Center, if I'd known in my analyzing planning brain that it would be like this? FUCK NO. (I don't think so.) Yet, here I am. Something deep in my soul knew that I needed this, or something, and brought me here by whatever reasons my rational brain needed to think I was making a smart choice, but it turns out I'm not here to find a new job, I'm here to discover that I'm in search of mystical experience.
In the last month since the extra-intensive Rohatsu sesshin at the beginning of January, the emotional and psychological pain has been profound, as I grow out of old maladaptive emotional patterns and less-than-whole interactions. Yet Elizabeth M, an older woman here in the sangha who volunteers at the Zen Center for a couple days each week and spends her other time working with at-risk children, pointed out to me how brave and wise I was, to face all this now when I knew at some instinctive level that I have resources and tools and support that I've never had before in my life. The groundwork was laid over the last 3-4 years in Philadelphia, when I started developing adult deep friendships and started uncovering my emotions in peer counseling. Here, I have a spiritual teacher and senior students and older friends and peers and acquaintances and inspirations and examples, who all guide me, nudge me, hold me, help me laugh, help me work harder, push me, warm me, share with me. Everywhere I look in my outward life now, I have people who I know care for me; everywhere I look in my inward life now, I can glimpse emotional nuance and power. I'm not sure if that all sounds melodramatic or vague, but the point is that profound work is happening that was not part of my conscious plan. Yet here I find myself, and I think it's a good time. It's not what I planned, but it's all good, and who knew?!
The title of this entry is from the 'Return of Merit' that we chant at the end of every chanting service, returning the merit of our chanting to Shakyamuni Buddha and the 3 famous boddhisattvas in service of the enlightenment of all sentient beings. Of all the lines in that Return of Merit, this one has been leaping out to grab me… I keep realizing that these days, I'm growing to see a little and trust a little in the wisdom of the universe, both the universe as a whole and my self as a wise & powerful being.
For instance, why am I here at the Zen Center? I thought I wanted a retreat, an interlude to find balance in my life, spend time lightly considering my future job or my past childhood. That rationed, relaxing vision bears absolutely no resemblance at all to the all-consuming intensity, hardship, and pain in all parts of my mind-body -- in my limbs first as I got used to sitting cross-legged, now in deeper parts of my heart and psyche -- that Zen has brought me, with a few times of joy. (Lest you all think I'm a masochist, I'm not; so far, I usually feel sure that this is healing, growing pain. Khalil Gibran says, in the chapter of The Prophet titled On Pain, "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.") Would I have volunteered for this time at the Zen Center, if I'd known in my analyzing planning brain that it would be like this? FUCK NO. (I don't think so.) Yet, here I am. Something deep in my soul knew that I needed this, or something, and brought me here by whatever reasons my rational brain needed to think I was making a smart choice, but it turns out I'm not here to find a new job, I'm here to discover that I'm in search of mystical experience.
In the last month since the extra-intensive Rohatsu sesshin at the beginning of January, the emotional and psychological pain has been profound, as I grow out of old maladaptive emotional patterns and less-than-whole interactions. Yet Elizabeth M, an older woman here in the sangha who volunteers at the Zen Center for a couple days each week and spends her other time working with at-risk children, pointed out to me how brave and wise I was, to face all this now when I knew at some instinctive level that I have resources and tools and support that I've never had before in my life. The groundwork was laid over the last 3-4 years in Philadelphia, when I started developing adult deep friendships and started uncovering my emotions in peer counseling. Here, I have a spiritual teacher and senior students and older friends and peers and acquaintances and inspirations and examples, who all guide me, nudge me, hold me, help me laugh, help me work harder, push me, warm me, share with me. Everywhere I look in my outward life now, I have people who I know care for me; everywhere I look in my inward life now, I can glimpse emotional nuance and power. I'm not sure if that all sounds melodramatic or vague, but the point is that profound work is happening that was not part of my conscious plan. Yet here I find myself, and I think it's a good time. It's not what I planned, but it's all good, and who knew?!