first week at the Rochester Zen Center
It's now been 10 days I've been living at the Rochester Zen Center, so it occurred to me that it'd be a good time to look around, gather my thoughts and feelings, then write about my experience of the first week.
I can't say it all feels real yet. I live somewhere other than Philadelphia, after 10 years of living in that area. I don't have a regular/paying job. I live with Buddhists. None of these statements has seeped into my mind or body as reality; I'm still looking around quizzically and assuming that this is an odd dream or that I'll have to leave soon. I'm not refusing to accept these facts, but they simply surprise me when I repeat them to myself! Um, really?!
That said for higher-level context, I'm daily facing the reality that adjustment to life here is HARD. The Head of Zendo (training/staff) here compared it to childbirth, on a lower level of pain but longer period of time; women since the beginning of time have survived childbirth, so one WILL probably survive. Still, even though one knows it will be hard before the moment comes, it's hard. I will adjust, to this daily schedule of waking and eating at certain times and to sitting zazen (meditation) for hours a day; I have no doubt of that. But omigosh, this is hard.
It's physically hard… I've been disciplined about going to bed early, but my body isn't used to falling asleep then, so I've either lain awake or had disturbed dreams. I've been using a low kneeling bench, but the angle of my arms hasn't been right so my forearms hurt. When I sit cross-legged, I'm still experimenting with the right height so my back doesn't strain to stay vertical and the right support cushions so my knees don't hurt. My hamstrings have been tight for as long as I remember, which I've exacerbated by biking for years, and now I have to make time and work hard to stretch them as counterbalance to kneeling. My abdomen is under strain from sitting upright AND my digestive system is under strain from either sitting for an hour after waking early or eating too early/late before evening sitting. All this pain is just starting to fade now, after about a week, but for the first few days here I felt so vulnerable when I sat. Each pain in my muscles or stomach is new, it's mysterious how I should address each of these discomforts or how it's all related, and whatever happens I have to SIT WITH IT for 35 min at a time WITHOUT FIDGETING. I don't want to give the impression that there is no help or resources here: Buddhists have been sitting in meditation for hundreds of years, so I don't feel anything that thousands haven't felt before me. There are experienced practitioners here who are helping align my posture and calmly reassuring me that my body will adjust. (And no, I don't feel I'm doing serious injury to my body; I know what that pain feels like.) Ultimately, there's no way around the pervasive, general discomfort from postures that are still new and hard.
It's mentally challenging… I'm still learning the details of life here (when to shower, where in the buildings I can get internet access, how to open windows or do laundry), AND learning a new city (which cafe has the best coffee and/or is closest), AND learning a whole set of rituals (which direction to face when bowing before the chanting, when are prostrations, which direction to face when bowing after chanting, what the fuck chant are we doing and where in the chant book is it when the introduction is in Sanskrit words I can't distinguish yet). That's all starting to feel more familiar now, too. E.g. when drying dishes, I feel like I now know where more than half of them get stored, and I now mostly remember when prostrations happen, but it's been challenging to spend most of each day watching for cues or asking questions. I feel inexperienced, potentially clumsy and intrusive, even though I'm probably absorbing new protocols as fast as I could reasonably expect. C told me that it sounds like all my energy is going into physically being in the right place at the right time, and that's totally true.
At the same time, I feel well. There were a couple days last week that weren't smooth -- I was given a (small, mild) correction in posture or work that triggered my defensiveness, I wanted to talk to a friend who wasn't available during my couple hours of free time -- but as acutely as I noticed those emotional disruptions as I chopped 20 cups of tomatoes (or whatever), I felt well on a deeper level. I think this is a good place for me to be.
I look forward to building relationships with the people here. The abbot, in my experience listening to his talks and as he relates to me (since I'm aware the teacher-student relationship can differ from person to person), is intellectually nuanced, perceptive, and above all, warm and gentle. The head of zendo is also remarkably reasonable about expectations, insightful & thoughtful but lightly humorous when he explains anything, and genial. There's a few young men here who are fun for chatting, a couple women in their 40s I'm looking forward to spending time with, and an older couple that lives out at the retreat center (40 min away) who are wonderfully sweet and warm.
I'm intrigued and eager to explore this path of Zen practice. The mental discipline, the patience with imperfection, the ideal of balance between body and mind, the encouragement to be fully PRESENT in pleasure and pain, the allowance for personal choice and avoidance of dogmatic legislation… it all uplifts me and resonates with me. Part of why this all resonates with me is that it's similar, although older (of course!), than reevaluation counseling; both systems assert that humans are born (loving, cooperative, wise, flexible) and (endowed with Buddha-nature), etc. but patterns from past hurts or lives cloud our flexibility/presence and keep us trapped in the past/future. It's so completely different than the harsh, judgmental, dogmatic, authoritarian, controlling church in which I was raised, in which I learned not to trust my self/nature. Which is right, the Buddhist conviction that we will all become enlightened or the Calvinistic assertion that every human will always be tainted by original sin, who can say. I'm still filled with doubt; I was raised a Puritan but long to be a Buddhist, or similar. I feel myself blossoming within that Buddhist or RC view, eager to work on casting aside old patterns and flourishing into *myself*. So far, every interaction I've had with the teacher and senior students here encourages me to be gentle and patient with myself as I pursue this path but also determined that this path WILL shift me towards my better nature.
Odds and ends: I like the chanting here, usually at the morning sitting. It's my reward for waking up at 5 am and surviving an hour of stillness! The houses and grounds are peaceful, there's a wooden portico for when it rains (every day?), the veg food is yummy and plentiful although I'm being careful not to eat too much soy, and the location is perfect for exploring fun cafes in my free time.
(Written Sunday afternoon.)
I can't say it all feels real yet. I live somewhere other than Philadelphia, after 10 years of living in that area. I don't have a regular/paying job. I live with Buddhists. None of these statements has seeped into my mind or body as reality; I'm still looking around quizzically and assuming that this is an odd dream or that I'll have to leave soon. I'm not refusing to accept these facts, but they simply surprise me when I repeat them to myself! Um, really?!
That said for higher-level context, I'm daily facing the reality that adjustment to life here is HARD. The Head of Zendo (training/staff) here compared it to childbirth, on a lower level of pain but longer period of time; women since the beginning of time have survived childbirth, so one WILL probably survive. Still, even though one knows it will be hard before the moment comes, it's hard. I will adjust, to this daily schedule of waking and eating at certain times and to sitting zazen (meditation) for hours a day; I have no doubt of that. But omigosh, this is hard.
It's physically hard… I've been disciplined about going to bed early, but my body isn't used to falling asleep then, so I've either lain awake or had disturbed dreams. I've been using a low kneeling bench, but the angle of my arms hasn't been right so my forearms hurt. When I sit cross-legged, I'm still experimenting with the right height so my back doesn't strain to stay vertical and the right support cushions so my knees don't hurt. My hamstrings have been tight for as long as I remember, which I've exacerbated by biking for years, and now I have to make time and work hard to stretch them as counterbalance to kneeling. My abdomen is under strain from sitting upright AND my digestive system is under strain from either sitting for an hour after waking early or eating too early/late before evening sitting. All this pain is just starting to fade now, after about a week, but for the first few days here I felt so vulnerable when I sat. Each pain in my muscles or stomach is new, it's mysterious how I should address each of these discomforts or how it's all related, and whatever happens I have to SIT WITH IT for 35 min at a time WITHOUT FIDGETING. I don't want to give the impression that there is no help or resources here: Buddhists have been sitting in meditation for hundreds of years, so I don't feel anything that thousands haven't felt before me. There are experienced practitioners here who are helping align my posture and calmly reassuring me that my body will adjust. (And no, I don't feel I'm doing serious injury to my body; I know what that pain feels like.) Ultimately, there's no way around the pervasive, general discomfort from postures that are still new and hard.
It's mentally challenging… I'm still learning the details of life here (when to shower, where in the buildings I can get internet access, how to open windows or do laundry), AND learning a new city (which cafe has the best coffee and/or is closest), AND learning a whole set of rituals (which direction to face when bowing before the chanting, when are prostrations, which direction to face when bowing after chanting, what the fuck chant are we doing and where in the chant book is it when the introduction is in Sanskrit words I can't distinguish yet). That's all starting to feel more familiar now, too. E.g. when drying dishes, I feel like I now know where more than half of them get stored, and I now mostly remember when prostrations happen, but it's been challenging to spend most of each day watching for cues or asking questions. I feel inexperienced, potentially clumsy and intrusive, even though I'm probably absorbing new protocols as fast as I could reasonably expect. C told me that it sounds like all my energy is going into physically being in the right place at the right time, and that's totally true.
At the same time, I feel well. There were a couple days last week that weren't smooth -- I was given a (small, mild) correction in posture or work that triggered my defensiveness, I wanted to talk to a friend who wasn't available during my couple hours of free time -- but as acutely as I noticed those emotional disruptions as I chopped 20 cups of tomatoes (or whatever), I felt well on a deeper level. I think this is a good place for me to be.
I look forward to building relationships with the people here. The abbot, in my experience listening to his talks and as he relates to me (since I'm aware the teacher-student relationship can differ from person to person), is intellectually nuanced, perceptive, and above all, warm and gentle. The head of zendo is also remarkably reasonable about expectations, insightful & thoughtful but lightly humorous when he explains anything, and genial. There's a few young men here who are fun for chatting, a couple women in their 40s I'm looking forward to spending time with, and an older couple that lives out at the retreat center (40 min away) who are wonderfully sweet and warm.
I'm intrigued and eager to explore this path of Zen practice. The mental discipline, the patience with imperfection, the ideal of balance between body and mind, the encouragement to be fully PRESENT in pleasure and pain, the allowance for personal choice and avoidance of dogmatic legislation… it all uplifts me and resonates with me. Part of why this all resonates with me is that it's similar, although older (of course!), than reevaluation counseling; both systems assert that humans are born (loving, cooperative, wise, flexible) and (endowed with Buddha-nature), etc. but patterns from past hurts or lives cloud our flexibility/presence and keep us trapped in the past/future. It's so completely different than the harsh, judgmental, dogmatic, authoritarian, controlling church in which I was raised, in which I learned not to trust my self/nature. Which is right, the Buddhist conviction that we will all become enlightened or the Calvinistic assertion that every human will always be tainted by original sin, who can say. I'm still filled with doubt; I was raised a Puritan but long to be a Buddhist, or similar. I feel myself blossoming within that Buddhist or RC view, eager to work on casting aside old patterns and flourishing into *myself*. So far, every interaction I've had with the teacher and senior students here encourages me to be gentle and patient with myself as I pursue this path but also determined that this path WILL shift me towards my better nature.
Odds and ends: I like the chanting here, usually at the morning sitting. It's my reward for waking up at 5 am and surviving an hour of stillness! The houses and grounds are peaceful, there's a wooden portico for when it rains (every day?), the veg food is yummy and plentiful although I'm being careful not to eat too much soy, and the location is perfect for exploring fun cafes in my free time.
(Written Sunday afternoon.)