Parental influence on my faith
For many years, it's been a central part of the story I tell myself about my upbringing (in an cultic fundamentalist church), that it was moderated by my parents' sensible approach to their conservative/religious values. The example I usually use is sex education. Nowadays, I hear it's common for the Religious Right to advocate abstinence education, which I gather consists of telling young people to avoid sex -- and offering them no further information. My parents definitely told me 'no sex before marriage', but they also explained methods of birth control. Granted, they proceeded to explain their theological beliefs about why certain methods of birth control are acceptable (condoms prevent conception) or unacceptable (morning-after pill resembles abortion), and granted they didn't go so far as teaching me about oral sex, but I have always looked back at their efforts appreciatively and lovingly. I may no longer share all their beliefs and values, but I do truly consider them rational people with whom I continue to enjoy being family. I'm told this affection infuses my story, because I always flash on A telling me how surprised she was to hear regard for my parents amid virulence against my childhood church.
All the above still feels true to me, about the ways in which my parents moderated the effects of a destructive church. But a couple conversations over the weekend are also causing me to reflect on ways in which my parents may have strengthened or reinforced my absorption of religious values. On Sunday evening over Indian food (goat curry!), Julie told me about her childhood in a Catholic church, which her parents were clearly attending to keep their parents happy; thus, when she went home after sermons or religious education classes, her parents would say, 'That is what the Church believes, but this is what we believe.' She also described a pervasive sense that her parents may not have ever believed in God, i.e. A Divine Being. My parents, on the other hand, genuinely believe in the Christian God, Jesus as Christ, and the individualistic, saving faith of the Protestant tradition. I never saw any doubt of the Christian God and His revelation, either at church or at home, and I can't say I ever remember feeling any doubt myself.
On Monday afternoon over pieces of pie (brown butter pecan!), Liz also shared part of her experience as a child in a Catholic church, particularly around gender, and today I realized it has elements of similarity with Julie's story. Obviously, the Catholic Church teaches conventional gender roles; women never lead. Liz said that always seemed wrong to her, and I desperately asked, 'Why? How did you know this as a child?' It unsettles me that there are so many things I never questioned as a child, including never thinking differently than the patriarchal, sexist teachings of the church. Liz told me that she had access to many perspectives _outside_ the Church, like Julie; she knew she was smarter than all the boys in her school class, her father encouraged her to 'act like the boys' on sports teams, and her mother worked at a higher-paying job than her father. My mother stayed home with me and my brother, and my parents homeschooled us; in many ways that created a loving and safe cocoon for my child self, but now I also see how insulating and isolating it was from any glimpse or suggestion of a different paradigm.
So, what do I do with these other stories? There's a 3-part structure that my RC teacher has mentioned sometimes: 1. ___ really was true about my childhood (i.e. recognizing that the situations we faced were real), 2. In those circumstances, anyone would have ___ (i.e. being gentle with our child selves, who navigated and survived as best they could), and 3. Luckily, now things are different! (i.e. we are adults with power to change our old survival patterns into behaviors we find more useful for us now). Listening to Julie and Liz reinforces that I can say the first part with conviction. Yes, it really was true that my childhood was completely spent within the church's framework; it really is true that my child self did not have access to any examples or help or opportunities to question anything she was taught. However, I flounder slightly with the second part. I'm clearly able to thrust away any belief in the patriarchy, although of course I continue to struggle with internalized sexism. But I haven't thrust away belief in God; I would still define my God like the Protestant God, and I still wear a cross. Is my faith in God a survival tactic, or my own belief?
On a lighter note, do you readers have any preference in formatting -- should I leave the first paragraph out of the lj-cut for context or the last paragraph for impact? All of the entry or none of it?