lots of things
I'm pretty sure the person i've been dreaming about would not return my affections. It's over. Move on.
I am debating on whether I should remove Tara from facebook. She texted me last night to tell me that she got a position for which I wrote a shining letter of recommendation for her. The position is called "LeadAR" (AR=Arkansas because that's where she is an assistant professor) It's a program designed to identify and change structural oppression in Little Rock. She will be the leader, and it will culminate in a 2 week trip overseas. She asked me to write her a letter of rec two months ago when I was in the throes of getting over her (and she knew it) She even phrased her request-"I didn't know who else to ask". Oh really? You work with dozens of colleagues all of whom supposedly adore you and you ask me?! Of course I did it because I was still in a fragile state then. It was, however, the first time I questioned myself about doing something for her and felt shame and anger about it. Before that time, I would do anything for her no matter how much I had going on, no questions asked. At the time, I had been trying hard not to contact her and she always found a way to contact me. I don't brag or give myself credit very often, but my letter was pretty stellar! I did what I'm so good a doing and that's building up others (especially those I love) and ignoring my own needs. I wrote this letter at I time that I was feeling nothing but resentment for her. I think I had a few crying fits and I as I've already written, felt deep shame about doing it. I debated about sharing all this with her and of course didn't. That brings me to today:
She texts me to tell me that it's supposed to be confidential, but since I'm in another state, she can tell me-she got the position. She then goes on to thank me in a very formal way for my continued support. I'm so done with this shit! I didn't respond back to her. I knew if she got the position, I would feel anger and here's why: For years I have busted my ass every summer (snuck around, paid extra money, gone out of my way by renting cars ect) to go see her in either Louisiana or Arkansas. She has never ONCE come up here to see me. Not once. The first year I moved up here she came to see her sister in New Hampshire and then I met her halfway in Providence and hung out for a couple of hours with her sister, Chaelie, and Jamie. That's it. Every year since I have made special, inconveinent trips to see her. She has mentioned that she SHOULD come up here to see me, but whenever I suggest it, she always has excuses. Her main excuse is Chaelie (she can't leave her alone)-which isn't a valid excuse because I've told her to bring Chaelie. She hates Larry so much (supposedly), you'd think she'd be happy to get away. Also, why can't you leave an almost 11 year old girl with her very capable father? She even has family (mother's side) up here in Connecticut who she hasn't seen in years. So what does this have to do with the position? See the line above-this trip would culminate in a two week trip out of the country! So she can go around the world and leave Chae at home (or bring her, whichever) but she can't come to see me? My friend George is coming to see me from fucking Sweden and he's poor.
This is the final straw of hurt. We don't have a friendship. In me, she has (or had) someone who has consistently built her up, told her that I love her, told her that I was IN LOVE with her this past yer (if I regret anything at all, that's the one thing I regret telling her) and been there for her when no one else would listen or cared-and when she was too ashamed to tell anyone else. I have put myself through a final act of humiliation by writing this letter for her. I take the blame for some of it-I continued to let her do these things without saying a word-I absorbed it and I created this dynamic as much as she did. One thing I've learned in life is people learn very early on in relationships how they can treat you-what they can get away with. You would think people would cherish and protect someone who goes out on a limb for them, but that's rarely the case. Most people see that the person would do anything for them including take very bad treatment and they continue to dish out the bad treatment and take advantage even if it's not conscience. I can finally say that I'm done with her. I would rather have very few people in my life who reciprocate my love than assholes who drain me and use me. I think this is the last time she can do that. Whit and I were talking about that moment when you know someone can hurt you for the last time-this was it. She cannot hurt me anymore. I am free. November 15th, 2012 was a big day! Not that moments of hurt won't make their way in again, but I will no longer LET her CONTINUE to hurt me. I can finally start grieving properly. As much as it sounds sad, I am so very happy-I feel like this is a new beginning.
The baby next door is crying again. She's always crying-clockwork. I might skip out on my private practice gig today to finish my lecture. I don't want to teach tomorrow but I have to. I also feel like my immune system is breaking down-this is about the time it starts to. We had a staff meeting yesterday with Scott. He told us we are "essential" staff now and that the policy will be written down-this is because no one showed up during the storm except Ron. Fucking Idiot. He's a lying asshole. I will go to work. I will do my job with the kids. I will go home. That's all I can do.
Had a big, big therapy session on Wednesday. It was great! My therapist is a master at making me cry. We talked about my anniversary reaction to Lisa's death. She of course tied it in to all of my big losses: my mom, Clay, and Tara. I told her it was the first time I was unable to cry-I had to go to extremes to make myself cry and how I understood "numbness" is a different experience that how I imagined it. It's not lack of feeling. It's more like emotionally constipation-it's in there needing to come out, but you can't make it and that feels absolutely awful. Even with all my trauma history, I have never gone numb. I also told her something I've told very few people and she was so wonderful about it. I am going to write about it and bring it to therapy. I feel so good right now (other than the stress of too many things going on-but I know that will soon end).
Whit and Bonnie are also no more. Bonnie basically told Whitney that she is "not willing" to travel 3 hours from NYC (on public transit, no less) to come see her even though Whit has done it twice for Bonnie. They had been planning this for a month. Then Bonnie wrote-"I know you told me it was far, but I guess i forgot." This world we live in is so good a breeding selfish people. I was sad that it hurt Whit.
I am debating on whether I should remove Tara from facebook. She texted me last night to tell me that she got a position for which I wrote a shining letter of recommendation for her. The position is called "LeadAR" (AR=Arkansas because that's where she is an assistant professor) It's a program designed to identify and change structural oppression in Little Rock. She will be the leader, and it will culminate in a 2 week trip overseas. She asked me to write her a letter of rec two months ago when I was in the throes of getting over her (and she knew it) She even phrased her request-"I didn't know who else to ask". Oh really? You work with dozens of colleagues all of whom supposedly adore you and you ask me?! Of course I did it because I was still in a fragile state then. It was, however, the first time I questioned myself about doing something for her and felt shame and anger about it. Before that time, I would do anything for her no matter how much I had going on, no questions asked. At the time, I had been trying hard not to contact her and she always found a way to contact me. I don't brag or give myself credit very often, but my letter was pretty stellar! I did what I'm so good a doing and that's building up others (especially those I love) and ignoring my own needs. I wrote this letter at I time that I was feeling nothing but resentment for her. I think I had a few crying fits and I as I've already written, felt deep shame about doing it. I debated about sharing all this with her and of course didn't. That brings me to today:
She texts me to tell me that it's supposed to be confidential, but since I'm in another state, she can tell me-she got the position. She then goes on to thank me in a very formal way for my continued support. I'm so done with this shit! I didn't respond back to her. I knew if she got the position, I would feel anger and here's why: For years I have busted my ass every summer (snuck around, paid extra money, gone out of my way by renting cars ect) to go see her in either Louisiana or Arkansas. She has never ONCE come up here to see me. Not once. The first year I moved up here she came to see her sister in New Hampshire and then I met her halfway in Providence and hung out for a couple of hours with her sister, Chaelie, and Jamie. That's it. Every year since I have made special, inconveinent trips to see her. She has mentioned that she SHOULD come up here to see me, but whenever I suggest it, she always has excuses. Her main excuse is Chaelie (she can't leave her alone)-which isn't a valid excuse because I've told her to bring Chaelie. She hates Larry so much (supposedly), you'd think she'd be happy to get away. Also, why can't you leave an almost 11 year old girl with her very capable father? She even has family (mother's side) up here in Connecticut who she hasn't seen in years. So what does this have to do with the position? See the line above-this trip would culminate in a two week trip out of the country! So she can go around the world and leave Chae at home (or bring her, whichever) but she can't come to see me? My friend George is coming to see me from fucking Sweden and he's poor.
This is the final straw of hurt. We don't have a friendship. In me, she has (or had) someone who has consistently built her up, told her that I love her, told her that I was IN LOVE with her this past yer (if I regret anything at all, that's the one thing I regret telling her) and been there for her when no one else would listen or cared-and when she was too ashamed to tell anyone else. I have put myself through a final act of humiliation by writing this letter for her. I take the blame for some of it-I continued to let her do these things without saying a word-I absorbed it and I created this dynamic as much as she did. One thing I've learned in life is people learn very early on in relationships how they can treat you-what they can get away with. You would think people would cherish and protect someone who goes out on a limb for them, but that's rarely the case. Most people see that the person would do anything for them including take very bad treatment and they continue to dish out the bad treatment and take advantage even if it's not conscience. I can finally say that I'm done with her. I would rather have very few people in my life who reciprocate my love than assholes who drain me and use me. I think this is the last time she can do that. Whit and I were talking about that moment when you know someone can hurt you for the last time-this was it. She cannot hurt me anymore. I am free. November 15th, 2012 was a big day! Not that moments of hurt won't make their way in again, but I will no longer LET her CONTINUE to hurt me. I can finally start grieving properly. As much as it sounds sad, I am so very happy-I feel like this is a new beginning.
The baby next door is crying again. She's always crying-clockwork. I might skip out on my private practice gig today to finish my lecture. I don't want to teach tomorrow but I have to. I also feel like my immune system is breaking down-this is about the time it starts to. We had a staff meeting yesterday with Scott. He told us we are "essential" staff now and that the policy will be written down-this is because no one showed up during the storm except Ron. Fucking Idiot. He's a lying asshole. I will go to work. I will do my job with the kids. I will go home. That's all I can do.
Had a big, big therapy session on Wednesday. It was great! My therapist is a master at making me cry. We talked about my anniversary reaction to Lisa's death. She of course tied it in to all of my big losses: my mom, Clay, and Tara. I told her it was the first time I was unable to cry-I had to go to extremes to make myself cry and how I understood "numbness" is a different experience that how I imagined it. It's not lack of feeling. It's more like emotionally constipation-it's in there needing to come out, but you can't make it and that feels absolutely awful. Even with all my trauma history, I have never gone numb. I also told her something I've told very few people and she was so wonderful about it. I am going to write about it and bring it to therapy. I feel so good right now (other than the stress of too many things going on-but I know that will soon end).
Whit and Bonnie are also no more. Bonnie basically told Whitney that she is "not willing" to travel 3 hours from NYC (on public transit, no less) to come see her even though Whit has done it twice for Bonnie. They had been planning this for a month. Then Bonnie wrote-"I know you told me it was far, but I guess i forgot." This world we live in is so good a breeding selfish people. I was sad that it hurt Whit.