feelings I'm sorting through
In the wake of $500 of unexpected car repairs, I may not be going to CMA this spring. So all of the normal head-sorting that's supposed to happen there, the entire reason I started going, will need to be handled by me, outside ritual space. Won't this be fun?
I have come to the conclusion that I need my own personal meta: I can't just have feelings, I need to deconstruct my head so that I can have feelings about my feelings.
* I brush my teeth because I think I should, but if you ask me how I feel about brushing my teeth I will give you a blank stare as I try to figure out what you're asking me, because I generally don't bother having or paying attention to emotional connections to things that are not people. I don't sweat the small stuff - not through some feat of enlightenment, but because I don't have enough sweat to go around. Frugality by the wealthy is a lot more startling than frugality by the poor: one is conscientious and the other necessary. If I went around feeling all the things other people seem to feel I'd be worn out in an hour.
There are some non-people things I need to get a handle on, like my feelings about self-awareness, employment, and goal and deadline orientation. My attitudes toward attraction and acting on my feelings need to be re-examined as well.
* I push people away when all I have to share is destruction and pain, even though I realize that that's not my decision to make. I try to just give people warnings when bad things are coming, and multiple warnings when those bad things are coming from me. I try to tell myself that you are all strong and that I may hurt your feelings, but that I won't do you any lasting damage. Realize that this is about as adult as I am capable of being on this matter, since the scariest thing in the world to me is ME. I have tried being rational about this, to no avail. Got advice? You know where the comment button is.
* Radical Feri teaches the binary form of the emotional multiplicity thing I already do. You hold two powerful and conflicting things in opposition, for instance love and rage, and then center yourself between them to keep yourself balanced. Some stability comes from being immobile, but Feri is a bit more proactive than that, so they invented a new concept of balance to go with the more dynamic paradigm.
Here's the Tao of Heidi: you periodically run your cognitive dissonance up as high as you can, have several feelings and viewpoint on an idea, and then fight all the sides of the argument between your selves. I get stronger ideas from it, but it's conflict, and it's stressful to test your breaking strain. It's drama and I'm out of practice at starting it. Who misses being an emo kid? That would be me.
I think this is where the restless strength of my crazy comes from, though, and why it lies dormant so well: rational analysis usually yields one answer better than the rest: if there are no emotions big enough there's no need for counterbalancing. And my emotions and I don't usually talk much. :|
* I don't distinguish between pack bonding and pair bonding like most people do. I think that's where the polyamory comes in for me. I won't automatically want to have crazy monkey sex with everyone I love, I'm just not that attracted to people. But I won't automatically stop wanting to snuggle and make out with and give orgasms like presents just because I'm with someone, either. I'm used to setting up rules for myself and following them pro forma to keep other people from getting hurt. I'm good at following rules I set, and there's a limit to how hurt other people can be when they had realistic knowledge of what to expect. When they want to have unrealistic expectations, that's not my fault.
I have come to the conclusion that I need my own personal meta: I can't just have feelings, I need to deconstruct my head so that I can have feelings about my feelings.
* I brush my teeth because I think I should, but if you ask me how I feel about brushing my teeth I will give you a blank stare as I try to figure out what you're asking me, because I generally don't bother having or paying attention to emotional connections to things that are not people. I don't sweat the small stuff - not through some feat of enlightenment, but because I don't have enough sweat to go around. Frugality by the wealthy is a lot more startling than frugality by the poor: one is conscientious and the other necessary. If I went around feeling all the things other people seem to feel I'd be worn out in an hour.
There are some non-people things I need to get a handle on, like my feelings about self-awareness, employment, and goal and deadline orientation. My attitudes toward attraction and acting on my feelings need to be re-examined as well.
* I push people away when all I have to share is destruction and pain, even though I realize that that's not my decision to make. I try to just give people warnings when bad things are coming, and multiple warnings when those bad things are coming from me. I try to tell myself that you are all strong and that I may hurt your feelings, but that I won't do you any lasting damage. Realize that this is about as adult as I am capable of being on this matter, since the scariest thing in the world to me is ME. I have tried being rational about this, to no avail. Got advice? You know where the comment button is.
* Radical Feri teaches the binary form of the emotional multiplicity thing I already do. You hold two powerful and conflicting things in opposition, for instance love and rage, and then center yourself between them to keep yourself balanced. Some stability comes from being immobile, but Feri is a bit more proactive than that, so they invented a new concept of balance to go with the more dynamic paradigm.
Here's the Tao of Heidi: you periodically run your cognitive dissonance up as high as you can, have several feelings and viewpoint on an idea, and then fight all the sides of the argument between your selves. I get stronger ideas from it, but it's conflict, and it's stressful to test your breaking strain. It's drama and I'm out of practice at starting it. Who misses being an emo kid? That would be me.
I think this is where the restless strength of my crazy comes from, though, and why it lies dormant so well: rational analysis usually yields one answer better than the rest: if there are no emotions big enough there's no need for counterbalancing. And my emotions and I don't usually talk much. :|
* I don't distinguish between pack bonding and pair bonding like most people do. I think that's where the polyamory comes in for me. I won't automatically want to have crazy monkey sex with everyone I love, I'm just not that attracted to people. But I won't automatically stop wanting to snuggle and make out with and give orgasms like presents just because I'm with someone, either. I'm used to setting up rules for myself and following them pro forma to keep other people from getting hurt. I'm good at following rules I set, and there's a limit to how hurt other people can be when they had realistic knowledge of what to expect. When they want to have unrealistic expectations, that's not my fault.