Rattled
I have a younger friend (no names; the vast majority of you don't know her) whose ex-boyfriend (a recent ex) is threatening to kill himself if they don't get back together.
What the bloody fucking hell.
I left her this comment on her livejournal (which is the primary means by which I communicate with her). I'm reposting it here, in a rare public entry, because I believe that this is important.
The Gift of Fear is a book by Gavin de Becker. I was going to buy it for you, but there might not be time for that. Here it is on Amazon.
Here is an excerpt:
...there are many reliable pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence and murder. They won't all be present in every case, but if a situation has several of these signals, there is reason for concern:
1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger. He uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.)
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse effects (memory loss, hostility, cruelty).
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct ("That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk I was crazy").
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery)
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior (including vandalism, breaking things, throwing things)
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship; he keeps her on a "tight leash," requires her to account for her time.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
And there are more. But you get the idea.
For the record, too: This sort of behavior is not specific to any one gender.
Please, people. I don't want to read about you in the morning newspaper ten years from now.
And while I'm here: Nobody is responsible for anybody's actions but their own.
What the bloody fucking hell.
I left her this comment on her livejournal (which is the primary means by which I communicate with her). I'm reposting it here, in a rare public entry, because I believe that this is important.
The Gift of Fear is a book by Gavin de Becker. I was going to buy it for you, but there might not be time for that. Here it is on Amazon.
Here is an excerpt:
...there are many reliable pre-incident indicators associated with spousal violence and murder. They won't all be present in every case, but if a situation has several of these signals, there is reason for concern:
1. The woman has intuitive feelings that she is at risk.
2. At the inception of the relationship, the man accelerated the pace, prematurely placing on the agenda such things as commitment, living together, and marriage.
3. He resolves conflict with intimidation, bullying, and violence.
4. He is verbally abusive.
5. He uses threats and intimidation as instruments of control or abuse. This includes threats to harm physically, to defame, to embarrass, to restrict freedom, to disclose secrets, to cut off support, to abandon, and to commit suicide.
6. He breaks or strikes things in anger. He uses symbolic violence (tearing a wedding photo, marring a face in a photo, etc.)
7. He has battered in prior relationships.
8. He uses alcohol or drugs with adverse effects (memory loss, hostility, cruelty).
9. He cites alcohol or drugs as an excuse or explanation for hostile or violent conduct ("That was the booze talking, not me; I got so drunk I was crazy").
10. His history includes police encounters for behavioral offenses (threats, stalking, assault, battery)
11. There has been more than one incident of violent behavior (including vandalism, breaking things, throwing things)
12. He uses money to control the activities, purchases, and behavior of his wife/partner.
13. He becomes jealous of anyone or anything that takes her time away from the relationship; he keeps her on a "tight leash," requires her to account for her time.
14. He refuses to accept rejection.
15. He expects the relationship to go on forever, perhaps using phrases like "together for life," "always," "no matter what."
And there are more. But you get the idea.
For the record, too: This sort of behavior is not specific to any one gender.
Please, people. I don't want to read about you in the morning newspaper ten years from now.
And while I'm here: Nobody is responsible for anybody's actions but their own.