What am i to do with my life...
*Sigh*
Yeah, long time since i last entered.... LONGGGGG time.... like, 8, 9 months... so here's an update.... i've been with the same person since February 2nd, 2005. Yeah...... LOOOOOONGGGG time... especially for me... but yeah... we've pulled through it all.... his name? OH, well if you didn't figure it out cause you've seen me in the bars or whatever.... his name's Anthony, and he's a performer from NE Ohio known as Damien... Damien Lacee now.... but nonetheless... i met him through my drag mother Lynda Lacee, aka Keith Greene, from Campbell. Anyway........ so i've been busy for 7 months keepin' the relationship alive... Been through hell and high waters. Had people disappear from my life.... had some reenter my life... but in the long run, it's been fun. So Larry is back.... for the first time in 2 years, which happened back in April. But, nonetheless, part of the reason i'm posting tonight... onto that...
Larry has been practically living in my house for 2 weeks... he's been home for like 2 nights in the past 2 weeks. He's been talkin' to people here and there... including Jeff. I love Jeff to death, but no. And Larry agreed on that. Now, as for Jeff's doings, well, he's had a new boyfriend every week. At one point he had like, 3 in the course of 2 days. But back to Larry. He's been talkin' to a guy named Jeremy from Sharon, which was okay, i guess... but not his type.... well, then he started getting interested in Derek... yeah, DEREK whom i've known for like, 3 years almost. Anyway... Derek's been with a new guy every day for the last 4 days... and in fact, tonight Larry and Derek went to the fair. Whoopdie doo... until they went to the bar. Well Larry's interested in Derek, and i've TOLD him, Derek's not someone to be interested in, he doesn't succeed in any of his relationships, he's almost MORE interested in his computer than a boyfriend. Well, Larry didn't believe me, so now, here he is, OBSESSING over Derek already............. something he did with Jeremy last week. So i got into it with him over text messaging earlier. I have a Sidekick II now, big surprise, but i was typing messages just as fast as i type them on the computer. Which, speaking of, i got an Apple iBook now, which i use almost more than my Media Center. But then again, i normally use them in conjunction..... but neway.... So Larry wouldn't listen to what i said so i got in a fight with him earlier, and while it seems immature, i have very good grounds to base my pissed-off-edness on. I know Derek almost as well as i know Larry.... and just... ARGH, it pisses me off. So basically, what he prolly doesn't realize now, as he sits on my futon behind me (yeah, got a futon too), i'm prolly gunna disown my friendship with him.
Why?
Cause i care too God damned much about him. He's the first person i was ever with, of course i'm gonna care about him. (See entries here) It will never stop, and i don't wanna see him hurt. He's just gonna do things his way and i know i can't stop him... even me and Anthony have gotten into it cause of the way i am, but if you are one of the people that knows me well enough you know i like my life to go my way... not really any other way... but nonetheless, i just want a normal life, with a boyfriend included... and Anthony doesn't even understand that....
I'm sorry guys this is a lot of rambling with the topic being switched every other sentence, but it's just that all of this is on my mind and i have to get it out there.
But anyway... i just wanna be happy and be in the normal life i was in, and i guess this is the first step to getting back to the life i know and love... and the me that i miss so much... the me that didn't give 2 shits.... i mean, here i am, amongst the stars... Danyel Vasquez, the very first drag queen i can remember seeing 3 years ago, when i was sneaking into the Interbelt, is one of my fairly good friends. As well as Samantha Styles, and the incomperable Lynda Lacee is basically FAMILY.... ie: drag family... But that's not what's important anymore... i love them all, they're stars that actually don't have huge heads. How hard is it to find people like that? Very... and i have Anthony to thank, i do have to say, but nonetheless, i love Anthony, and i love the time we spend together. All that's TRULY important is that we both can stay together, no matter what happens... i just want him to realize that i also want to lead my life how it was before. With him around, i haven't had much interest in a job, and it's about time that i do get back to work, and do what i have to in order to survive in life. I have a car that i've put almost 40,000 miles on, and i'm thinking of getting a new one after i start doing PartyLite with my aunt Tammy.... i have my family to think about again... i just can't be the lazy ass i've been all these months... i wanna do my usual shit that i used to do.
So here's what i have to say...
Anthony
I love you, you're my husband in training... we'll be together, i want you to realize that, no matter what you think is going to pull us apart. I just wanna start living my life again. It's not ALL about you, and i can't let it be all about me either. But i want that ability to sit in that house all day and not get questioned as to why i'm doing it.
Larry
You know i care about you... so much in fact, i can't help but miss what we had 3 years ago... but that's then, this is now... and right now, i just want you to be happy, and i'm sorry, but Derek is going to put you through so much shit, and treat you like a YO-YO, and i'm not going to let that happen. If you're not going to listen to what i say, then i'm going to fall away, and let you figure out what you're doin'... and when you figure it out, i'll come back... i did it to Jeff numerous times, no reason i can't do it to you. You'll always be "the first one", and i hope you realize that's a big thing to uphold with me, cause i care too much about everyone...
That's all i have to say for now... comment as you all see fit.
Much love....
Matty
Yeah, long time since i last entered.... LONGGGGG time.... like, 8, 9 months... so here's an update.... i've been with the same person since February 2nd, 2005. Yeah...... LOOOOOONGGGG time... especially for me... but yeah... we've pulled through it all.... his name? OH, well if you didn't figure it out cause you've seen me in the bars or whatever.... his name's Anthony, and he's a performer from NE Ohio known as Damien... Damien Lacee now.... but nonetheless... i met him through my drag mother Lynda Lacee, aka Keith Greene, from Campbell. Anyway........ so i've been busy for 7 months keepin' the relationship alive... Been through hell and high waters. Had people disappear from my life.... had some reenter my life... but in the long run, it's been fun. So Larry is back.... for the first time in 2 years, which happened back in April. But, nonetheless, part of the reason i'm posting tonight... onto that...
Larry has been practically living in my house for 2 weeks... he's been home for like 2 nights in the past 2 weeks. He's been talkin' to people here and there... including Jeff. I love Jeff to death, but no. And Larry agreed on that. Now, as for Jeff's doings, well, he's had a new boyfriend every week. At one point he had like, 3 in the course of 2 days. But back to Larry. He's been talkin' to a guy named Jeremy from Sharon, which was okay, i guess... but not his type.... well, then he started getting interested in Derek... yeah, DEREK whom i've known for like, 3 years almost. Anyway... Derek's been with a new guy every day for the last 4 days... and in fact, tonight Larry and Derek went to the fair. Whoopdie doo... until they went to the bar. Well Larry's interested in Derek, and i've TOLD him, Derek's not someone to be interested in, he doesn't succeed in any of his relationships, he's almost MORE interested in his computer than a boyfriend. Well, Larry didn't believe me, so now, here he is, OBSESSING over Derek already............. something he did with Jeremy last week. So i got into it with him over text messaging earlier. I have a Sidekick II now, big surprise, but i was typing messages just as fast as i type them on the computer. Which, speaking of, i got an Apple iBook now, which i use almost more than my Media Center. But then again, i normally use them in conjunction..... but neway.... So Larry wouldn't listen to what i said so i got in a fight with him earlier, and while it seems immature, i have very good grounds to base my pissed-off-edness on. I know Derek almost as well as i know Larry.... and just... ARGH, it pisses me off. So basically, what he prolly doesn't realize now, as he sits on my futon behind me (yeah, got a futon too), i'm prolly gunna disown my friendship with him.
Why?
Cause i care too God damned much about him. He's the first person i was ever with, of course i'm gonna care about him. (See entries here) It will never stop, and i don't wanna see him hurt. He's just gonna do things his way and i know i can't stop him... even me and Anthony have gotten into it cause of the way i am, but if you are one of the people that knows me well enough you know i like my life to go my way... not really any other way... but nonetheless, i just want a normal life, with a boyfriend included... and Anthony doesn't even understand that....
I'm sorry guys this is a lot of rambling with the topic being switched every other sentence, but it's just that all of this is on my mind and i have to get it out there.
But anyway... i just wanna be happy and be in the normal life i was in, and i guess this is the first step to getting back to the life i know and love... and the me that i miss so much... the me that didn't give 2 shits.... i mean, here i am, amongst the stars... Danyel Vasquez, the very first drag queen i can remember seeing 3 years ago, when i was sneaking into the Interbelt, is one of my fairly good friends. As well as Samantha Styles, and the incomperable Lynda Lacee is basically FAMILY.... ie: drag family... But that's not what's important anymore... i love them all, they're stars that actually don't have huge heads. How hard is it to find people like that? Very... and i have Anthony to thank, i do have to say, but nonetheless, i love Anthony, and i love the time we spend together. All that's TRULY important is that we both can stay together, no matter what happens... i just want him to realize that i also want to lead my life how it was before. With him around, i haven't had much interest in a job, and it's about time that i do get back to work, and do what i have to in order to survive in life. I have a car that i've put almost 40,000 miles on, and i'm thinking of getting a new one after i start doing PartyLite with my aunt Tammy.... i have my family to think about again... i just can't be the lazy ass i've been all these months... i wanna do my usual shit that i used to do.
So here's what i have to say...
Anthony
I love you, you're my husband in training... we'll be together, i want you to realize that, no matter what you think is going to pull us apart. I just wanna start living my life again. It's not ALL about you, and i can't let it be all about me either. But i want that ability to sit in that house all day and not get questioned as to why i'm doing it.
Larry
You know i care about you... so much in fact, i can't help but miss what we had 3 years ago... but that's then, this is now... and right now, i just want you to be happy, and i'm sorry, but Derek is going to put you through so much shit, and treat you like a YO-YO, and i'm not going to let that happen. If you're not going to listen to what i say, then i'm going to fall away, and let you figure out what you're doin'... and when you figure it out, i'll come back... i did it to Jeff numerous times, no reason i can't do it to you. You'll always be "the first one", and i hope you realize that's a big thing to uphold with me, cause i care too much about everyone...
That's all i have to say for now... comment as you all see fit.
Much love....
Matty