(no subject)
I have things to say but I don't know hot to go about saying them.
I really miss someone but I don't know how to go about missing them.
I don't know how to go about talking to other people.
and I don't know how to go about expressing anything that exists in this thing that I call myself to any other breathing, blood pumping, thinking human being.
I just talk and I listen to myself talk, as I talk, and I think 'Wow. I don't know you.'
But at the same time I do.
So I then ponder the tiny happenings that turn into big particles of matter that do matter in our life and I say 'I have no fucking clue.
But it doesn't really matter.
Because I can write to the unknown so much better than I can formulate words.
Mind over matter?
Who knows.
I'm driving northernly (a little bit) next weekend.
And.
I can't wait.
Actually, I can't even fathom the feelings that I will feel.
First, the week leading up to it, the one I am about to cuddle in swaddling garmets and raise as my own.
Then, the eight over drive to that place, the one where I will send my love of my life off to school where they will make of their own their will and exceed beyond anything that I could imagine, to later forget me and make their lives of their own (which is needed, but always so painful).
Finally, the moment(s) where you enter the city of residence and know that you are close, but you probably get lost, wondering if that person is still awake-waiting for you--and then FINALLY arrive, park, and stumble...then dash out of your car to a blinded unknown just wanting that embrace...[ironally..the same (although different) embrace that I didn't receive from someone I care for deeply, tonight]. That same embrace being so much sweeter because it was gone for so long.
That is the key moment, where the bitter sweet turns into the unimaginable.
That is when you think back on all of the 'preparation' which was really just waiting and wondering and realizing that this is what we came here for.
Just this.
This.
It's funny how you decide when it is a good time to pick up a fucking telephone (since that is your only way of communicating, in an essence) and call and when it isn't.
It's funny how that person is on your mind all the fucking time, but then again is just someone in the shadows...the catch is--I notice those fucking shadows.
More than I do the ones that are hogging the spotlight.
The ones that are clearly illuminated.
So I hope I can be the one to show the blind where the periwinkles sleep in the sand.
I hope I am the one who tells the old lady that she is loved.
I hope I am the one who runs down the exhausted laborer's back after a hard days work.
The one who feels the bedtime stories she tells.
That, of course, being just water.
Water.
Meaning.
Happenings and situational experiences can change the meaning of simple, everyday, 'taken for granted' things that people do robotically that turn into liberating, inexcusable breaths of air when worked...suffered for.
You.
You, are something that I live for.
How does that make you feel?
I really miss someone but I don't know how to go about missing them.
I don't know how to go about talking to other people.
and I don't know how to go about expressing anything that exists in this thing that I call myself to any other breathing, blood pumping, thinking human being.
I just talk and I listen to myself talk, as I talk, and I think 'Wow. I don't know you.'
But at the same time I do.
So I then ponder the tiny happenings that turn into big particles of matter that do matter in our life and I say 'I have no fucking clue.
But it doesn't really matter.
Because I can write to the unknown so much better than I can formulate words.
Mind over matter?
Who knows.
I'm driving northernly (a little bit) next weekend.
And.
I can't wait.
Actually, I can't even fathom the feelings that I will feel.
First, the week leading up to it, the one I am about to cuddle in swaddling garmets and raise as my own.
Then, the eight over drive to that place, the one where I will send my love of my life off to school where they will make of their own their will and exceed beyond anything that I could imagine, to later forget me and make their lives of their own (which is needed, but always so painful).
Finally, the moment(s) where you enter the city of residence and know that you are close, but you probably get lost, wondering if that person is still awake-waiting for you--and then FINALLY arrive, park, and stumble...then dash out of your car to a blinded unknown just wanting that embrace...[ironally..the same (although different) embrace that I didn't receive from someone I care for deeply, tonight]. That same embrace being so much sweeter because it was gone for so long.
That is the key moment, where the bitter sweet turns into the unimaginable.
That is when you think back on all of the 'preparation' which was really just waiting and wondering and realizing that this is what we came here for.
Just this.
This.
It's funny how you decide when it is a good time to pick up a fucking telephone (since that is your only way of communicating, in an essence) and call and when it isn't.
It's funny how that person is on your mind all the fucking time, but then again is just someone in the shadows...the catch is--I notice those fucking shadows.
More than I do the ones that are hogging the spotlight.
The ones that are clearly illuminated.
So I hope I can be the one to show the blind where the periwinkles sleep in the sand.
I hope I am the one who tells the old lady that she is loved.
I hope I am the one who runs down the exhausted laborer's back after a hard days work.
The one who feels the bedtime stories she tells.
That, of course, being just water.
Water.
Meaning.
Happenings and situational experiences can change the meaning of simple, everyday, 'taken for granted' things that people do robotically that turn into liberating, inexcusable breaths of air when worked...suffered for.
You.
You, are something that I live for.
How does that make you feel?