29
I'm freaking out. I'll be 29 in 18 days. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?!? Where has the time gone??
I feel so...unaccomplished. The sixteen year old me would be saying "Wow, you suck, bitch." The ten year old me would be crying in disappointment and asking "Why didn't you go to Harvard? Why aren't you living in Europe?" The only thing we "own" is a mountain of debt*. Who knew it would take me EIGHT YEARS to get though college? Who knew I would spend years of my life miserable and angry and not even have a clue as to why?
Life happens. I get that. I didn't end up the world's youngest partner at the world's most successful legal firm. I'm not sunning on the beaches of Bali in the winter or ruling Manhattan year round. We're not living in a high-rise penthouse with a maid, a cook and a pack of giant, spoiled dogs. Not many people are. I know this. But I can't help but feel like with a bit more guidance and a lot more effort I could have been. We could have been.
At 29 I'm starting again. I want to go to law school. I have my eye on a couple. Unless things go poorly, we'll surely be moving out of Sacramento, at least for a while. I'm pretty sure we'll end up in Boston. I'm exciting about this. I'm looking forward to it. But that little girl in me that's still sad and angry is wondering why the hell I'm not done yet.
I had dreams. Big dreams. I was going to be someone important; go to the top schools on full academic scholarships; leave my past behind without ever looking back. Ya. Not so much. And man, was I naive.
I'm just as ready for my life to start as I am to go into law school. Probably more so, which is scary. I keep asking myself, "wouldn't it be better for the both of us if I just found a job somewhere that I like where I can move up and we can just settle in?" I know the answer is "no" and that I need to do this for us. That we will both be happier once I'm through with school, making money and settling into a career. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm holding us back from life.
I'm going to try and change my thinking on this one. Perhaps this year will be Amy 2.9, on her way to Amy 3.0. A new and improved version of me, finally kicking it into high gear.
I really want it to be. I guess we'll see.
I feel so...unaccomplished. The sixteen year old me would be saying "Wow, you suck, bitch." The ten year old me would be crying in disappointment and asking "Why didn't you go to Harvard? Why aren't you living in Europe?" The only thing we "own" is a mountain of debt*. Who knew it would take me EIGHT YEARS to get though college? Who knew I would spend years of my life miserable and angry and not even have a clue as to why?
Life happens. I get that. I didn't end up the world's youngest partner at the world's most successful legal firm. I'm not sunning on the beaches of Bali in the winter or ruling Manhattan year round. We're not living in a high-rise penthouse with a maid, a cook and a pack of giant, spoiled dogs. Not many people are. I know this. But I can't help but feel like with a bit more guidance and a lot more effort I could have been. We could have been.
At 29 I'm starting again. I want to go to law school. I have my eye on a couple. Unless things go poorly, we'll surely be moving out of Sacramento, at least for a while. I'm pretty sure we'll end up in Boston. I'm exciting about this. I'm looking forward to it. But that little girl in me that's still sad and angry is wondering why the hell I'm not done yet.
I had dreams. Big dreams. I was going to be someone important; go to the top schools on full academic scholarships; leave my past behind without ever looking back. Ya. Not so much. And man, was I naive.
I'm just as ready for my life to start as I am to go into law school. Probably more so, which is scary. I keep asking myself, "wouldn't it be better for the both of us if I just found a job somewhere that I like where I can move up and we can just settle in?" I know the answer is "no" and that I need to do this for us. That we will both be happier once I'm through with school, making money and settling into a career. I'm just tired of feeling like I'm holding us back from life.
I'm going to try and change my thinking on this one. Perhaps this year will be Amy 2.9, on her way to Amy 3.0. A new and improved version of me, finally kicking it into high gear.
I really want it to be. I guess we'll see.