Trying to Deal
So, I'm still trying to shake the nastiness that's had a grip on me since about 7:45pm Friday night. I guess I should say more like 6:30am Saturday morning. I think that's when it really hit me how much I was affected by my "family emergency" Friday night. Ever since then I've been fighting a black hole. I spent all weekend completely drained and it hasn't really gotten any better. I thought today was going to be better, but then my dad called me at work with blood pressure through the roof and needed me to go pick up his medication because, oh hey, he suddenly has a random pain in his GOOD foot and can't really walk. I think a little of my brain oozed out through my ears at that. I found myself right back at the uber-stressed-out place it spent most of the week.
I have an appointment tomorrow to speak with someone I have a great respect for and I totally trust. The interesting thing is that, normally I don't have a problem talking to people about my effed up past, but I'm really nervous about talking to G about it. I KNOW he wont judge me, and I really believe that he will help me untie myself and figure out my next steps, but for some reason, this is really embarrassing for me. Actually, as I write this, I guess I just figured myself out. I'm not *normally* embarrassed to talk about my past, but this is my present, and to be living this RIGHT NOW, yeah, it's pretty effing embarrassing. I guess I'm okay with saying "this is who we were, but my parents were strong, they changed, and they aren't those people any more." But saying "they weren't those people for 17 years, and in an instant, they were again" just makes me feel like white trash. Yes. That's the problem.
I hope that speaking with G tomorrow will help me find some peace and figure out how to deal with my family. If nothing else, I know the session will help me find the path to getting there. 3:00pm Thursday can't come fast enough.
I have an appointment tomorrow to speak with someone I have a great respect for and I totally trust. The interesting thing is that, normally I don't have a problem talking to people about my effed up past, but I'm really nervous about talking to G about it. I KNOW he wont judge me, and I really believe that he will help me untie myself and figure out my next steps, but for some reason, this is really embarrassing for me. Actually, as I write this, I guess I just figured myself out. I'm not *normally* embarrassed to talk about my past, but this is my present, and to be living this RIGHT NOW, yeah, it's pretty effing embarrassing. I guess I'm okay with saying "this is who we were, but my parents were strong, they changed, and they aren't those people any more." But saying "they weren't those people for 17 years, and in an instant, they were again" just makes me feel like white trash. Yes. That's the problem.
I hope that speaking with G tomorrow will help me find some peace and figure out how to deal with my family. If nothing else, I know the session will help me find the path to getting there. 3:00pm Thursday can't come fast enough.