Clarity and Peace
This time last week I found myself spiraling into a very black place. After a breakdown and a talk with Justin I was feeling a bit better, but it wasn't until I spoke with Dr. Z on Wednesday that I started to pick myself up again. Once I was able to reconcile the information I'd gotten from them with the thoughts that had me falling into oblivion I realized that I was making life a lot more difficult than it needed to be. I need to take things one step at a time. I need begin taking control over those things that I can control and stop obsessing over the details that I cannot. I've had a plan, but I've refined it to move things forward in a more efficient and less stressful way.
1. I'm going to get a second job. - Any amount of money we can throw onto our debt right now will make our lives easier. We need to reduce our debt by at least half, and we need a fairly substantial savings in order to start moving forward. I'm more than willing to give up some of my evenings and weekends to help move us in the right direction.
2. I'm going to retake at least two classes starting in the fall. I got three "C"s while at Sac State and while that might not sound so bad to some, it's severely impacting my GPA. Most graduate programs look at the applicant's last 60 units of coursework, so I'm not going to worry about the "C"s I got as a freshman at the CC. Changing those CSUS "C"s to "A"s will make a huge difference though.
3. I'm going to take a GRE prep-course and start studying for the test. - I need to nail that test. I will OWN that test.
4. I'm going to research programs until I can narrow my sights down to five schools, and once the above items are completed, I'm going to start applying. - I don't care where they are, I'm going to apply. Justin has already told me that as long as we can get a hold on our finances we will go anywhere we need to to get me the education I need to more forward. If I can actually get into a program in Costa Rica or France, we'll make it work.
I've also been feeling extremely claustrophobic lately because I haven't got to travel much. I know, I JUST got back from Salt Lake City, but that was strictly business. I saw entirely too much of the Hilton. (By the way, if any of you are traveling to Salt Lake City, do NOT stay at the Hilton Salt Lake City Center. There is a Marriott a block down. It HAS to be better than that Holiday Inn in disguise.) When I can't get out, like many people I know that need to travel, I start to feel like the walls are caving in me. The air starts to feel thicker and I start feeling trapped. I'm sure these feelings are exacerbated by stress, particularly financial woes because if you don't have any money, travel isn't an option. Things have gotten bad enough that last weekend, before my breakdown, I was ready to beg Justin to cash in two weeks of his vacation time so we could hop on a plane to ANYWHERE and leave reality. I knew this would be to no avail. We just can't afford for me to take two weeks off.
Thursday Justin and I are leaving for Tahoe for the night. We got a SWEET deal at Harvey's that includes a $25 food voucher. Friday we'll play in the snow, enjoy the beauty that is Tahoe and then head home Friday night. I'm sure when I get home the air will be a little lighter and my head a little clearer.
Justin and I talked couple weeks ago and he told me to take a girl's trip to Vegas. It's money that we shouldn't be spending, but it's a hell of a cheaper than Europe or the East Coast and probably cheaper than the prozac and doctors bills it would take to pull me out of the depression of being held prisoner in Sacramento.
The biggest breath of fresh air I've taken in weeks came to me this morning after purchasing my tickets. Rachel was able to book three nights at the Hilton on The Strip for SIXTY DOLLARS! (She and Dave have a time share.) We were able to get round-trip tickets for about $130. I'll be taking gluten-free bagels and food bars, so my breakfast will be covered. =) I've never been to Vegas, so this should totally ease the travel pangs for a while. I'm hoping it will tide me over until I can study abroad, but that's a tall order.
So, yeah. I'm breathing easier. I spent yesterday in Berkeley with Mrs. Ford and I could feel the peace wash over me as I told her about how Justin and Dr. Z helped me put the peaces of my puzzle together. Now that I can see what I need to do for my future, and I'm going to be getting out of Sac in the near future, I feel blissfully at peace. I feel more peaceful right now that I have in months. I'm not sitting around bashing myself for being lazy or freaking out about how to accomplish anything. I'm not suffocating in my apartment and feeling chained to my sofa. I'm in a really good place right now. I'm so glad to be here.
1. I'm going to get a second job. - Any amount of money we can throw onto our debt right now will make our lives easier. We need to reduce our debt by at least half, and we need a fairly substantial savings in order to start moving forward. I'm more than willing to give up some of my evenings and weekends to help move us in the right direction.
2. I'm going to retake at least two classes starting in the fall. I got three "C"s while at Sac State and while that might not sound so bad to some, it's severely impacting my GPA. Most graduate programs look at the applicant's last 60 units of coursework, so I'm not going to worry about the "C"s I got as a freshman at the CC. Changing those CSUS "C"s to "A"s will make a huge difference though.
3. I'm going to take a GRE prep-course and start studying for the test. - I need to nail that test. I will OWN that test.
4. I'm going to research programs until I can narrow my sights down to five schools, and once the above items are completed, I'm going to start applying. - I don't care where they are, I'm going to apply. Justin has already told me that as long as we can get a hold on our finances we will go anywhere we need to to get me the education I need to more forward. If I can actually get into a program in Costa Rica or France, we'll make it work.
I've also been feeling extremely claustrophobic lately because I haven't got to travel much. I know, I JUST got back from Salt Lake City, but that was strictly business. I saw entirely too much of the Hilton. (By the way, if any of you are traveling to Salt Lake City, do NOT stay at the Hilton Salt Lake City Center. There is a Marriott a block down. It HAS to be better than that Holiday Inn in disguise.) When I can't get out, like many people I know that need to travel, I start to feel like the walls are caving in me. The air starts to feel thicker and I start feeling trapped. I'm sure these feelings are exacerbated by stress, particularly financial woes because if you don't have any money, travel isn't an option. Things have gotten bad enough that last weekend, before my breakdown, I was ready to beg Justin to cash in two weeks of his vacation time so we could hop on a plane to ANYWHERE and leave reality. I knew this would be to no avail. We just can't afford for me to take two weeks off.
Thursday Justin and I are leaving for Tahoe for the night. We got a SWEET deal at Harvey's that includes a $25 food voucher. Friday we'll play in the snow, enjoy the beauty that is Tahoe and then head home Friday night. I'm sure when I get home the air will be a little lighter and my head a little clearer.
Justin and I talked couple weeks ago and he told me to take a girl's trip to Vegas. It's money that we shouldn't be spending, but it's a hell of a cheaper than Europe or the East Coast and probably cheaper than the prozac and doctors bills it would take to pull me out of the depression of being held prisoner in Sacramento.
The biggest breath of fresh air I've taken in weeks came to me this morning after purchasing my tickets. Rachel was able to book three nights at the Hilton on The Strip for SIXTY DOLLARS! (She and Dave have a time share.) We were able to get round-trip tickets for about $130. I'll be taking gluten-free bagels and food bars, so my breakfast will be covered. =) I've never been to Vegas, so this should totally ease the travel pangs for a while. I'm hoping it will tide me over until I can study abroad, but that's a tall order.
So, yeah. I'm breathing easier. I spent yesterday in Berkeley with Mrs. Ford and I could feel the peace wash over me as I told her about how Justin and Dr. Z helped me put the peaces of my puzzle together. Now that I can see what I need to do for my future, and I'm going to be getting out of Sac in the near future, I feel blissfully at peace. I feel more peaceful right now that I have in months. I'm not sitting around bashing myself for being lazy or freaking out about how to accomplish anything. I'm not suffocating in my apartment and feeling chained to my sofa. I'm in a really good place right now. I'm so glad to be here.