Fin
I lick the back of my teeth to slice open the tip of my tongue. I have carved fine points by grinding my teeth in my sleep. I think of them as my marks of struggle like a torture scar they'll use to identify my body when no other means is possible. My canines are so worn from stress my dentist seeks to counsel me in his version of the therapist's lounge. He says I am on the fast track to having no teeth left. I look at the up side... at least when they find my decapitated head they'll know it was me. A small assurance to my mother.
My fingers get worry worts and the back of my knees break out when I am feeling particularly stressed. I've been volunteering lately and using cortisone everyday. I think my body can not even handle positive stress. It is disheartening. How will my body handle having a baby? I know I'm crazy but am I crazy enough to kill my own kids? No one ever plans on snapping. Maybe I shouldn't risk it and just give up my dream of being a mother.
Everyone is sick and trying to die. I am discovering I will have to be the martyr that takes my mother's place. I don't think I have the heart for it. I don't think I can be that brave. I want the blissful ignorance of a five year old. Although my childhood was far from ignorant.
I think those women in Texas should be imprisoned. Being brainwashed is no excuse. If it is then put them in an asylum because they are a danger to themselves, all current and future children and in need of severe rehabilitation. You are NOT a mother if you allow your children to be rapped and abused. Cultural tradition, my ass! This is not a developing country. Children have rights here! They have the right to be children!
I saw last night more confirmation that I am not of this world. I live somewhere else by my own rules in a world that makes much more sense. When I am forced to deal with this one I am rendered immobile. I feel like Douglas Adam's Fenchurch. I have somehow been misplaced. I am humanoid but increasingly I feel I am not human. But maybe I am really the sane one and everything else is nuts.
I don't understand social conventions. I see them, I recognize them, I can understand them from a historical point but I can not fathom why people insist on following them. Is it your image? Is it the conversations you'll face? Is it general fear? Is it a lack of being able to see inside yourself? Why are people "supposed" to act a certain way? Why am I so abnormal? Why do liberal sub-cultures still proscribed to such bullshit? Why can't people be who they are? Academically I know why but my insides rail against it. I am not of that world.
I am done. Overdone.
My fingers get worry worts and the back of my knees break out when I am feeling particularly stressed. I've been volunteering lately and using cortisone everyday. I think my body can not even handle positive stress. It is disheartening. How will my body handle having a baby? I know I'm crazy but am I crazy enough to kill my own kids? No one ever plans on snapping. Maybe I shouldn't risk it and just give up my dream of being a mother.
Everyone is sick and trying to die. I am discovering I will have to be the martyr that takes my mother's place. I don't think I have the heart for it. I don't think I can be that brave. I want the blissful ignorance of a five year old. Although my childhood was far from ignorant.
I think those women in Texas should be imprisoned. Being brainwashed is no excuse. If it is then put them in an asylum because they are a danger to themselves, all current and future children and in need of severe rehabilitation. You are NOT a mother if you allow your children to be rapped and abused. Cultural tradition, my ass! This is not a developing country. Children have rights here! They have the right to be children!
I saw last night more confirmation that I am not of this world. I live somewhere else by my own rules in a world that makes much more sense. When I am forced to deal with this one I am rendered immobile. I feel like Douglas Adam's Fenchurch. I have somehow been misplaced. I am humanoid but increasingly I feel I am not human. But maybe I am really the sane one and everything else is nuts.
I don't understand social conventions. I see them, I recognize them, I can understand them from a historical point but I can not fathom why people insist on following them. Is it your image? Is it the conversations you'll face? Is it general fear? Is it a lack of being able to see inside yourself? Why are people "supposed" to act a certain way? Why am I so abnormal? Why do liberal sub-cultures still proscribed to such bullshit? Why can't people be who they are? Academically I know why but my insides rail against it. I am not of that world.
I am done. Overdone.