Most of you know I've been struggling with health, depression, life and identity issues for a long time, but especially the last couple of years. The last six months in particular have been kind of brutal. The health issues are going to continue to be a problem, but as for the rest of it...I've been having trouble sleeping, and doing a lot of heavy thinking when I can't.
I think too much generally (as anyone who knows me very well can attest), and the last few weeks I've barely felt sane, but - I'm getting somewhere. The pieces of my broken mirror are starting to come together, slowly but surely, melting into a whole again. At one point in the middle of such thinking last night, I was scribbling some thoughts on paper, which I rarely do, but they felt worth saving:
I'm so close. I am so close. I'm almost there. I can see it. I am going to make it.
I am a shooting star.
This long dark road is coming not to an end, but to a place of light. I can see now - I can see it. I'm almost there. I'm going to make it. I'm going to become, finally, something like myself. I'm going to stand up and be born. I will be heard. I have a voice. I'm going to find it, and I am going to use this voice. Utúvienyes!
And you. will. never. silence me again.
I will be watching from the shadows no more. I will not be sucked down into this dark. I WILL NOT GO QUIETLY.
I will be heard. And I am one of many. I will join my voice to a chorus of voices that is rising like a tide you cannot stop. You will hear us. In our many voices we say, I am real. I have value. I have the right to exist, and to make my own choices. I am a person, valid and whole; I am not broken. I do not need fixing. I have the right to be and live and love the way I am. And together we will be a wind to shake the stars.
I'm almost there. Almost. I can see it. I am going to make it.
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