In which I moan and feel sorry for myself...
This is quite possibly the alcohol and sugar talking. But as I think these thoughts every time I go near booze recently, I feel they must be grounded in SOMETHING, and what's the point of a blog if you're not going to be honest?
For the record, I've had a margherita (it was awesome, but expensive!), about a pint of cider, a SoCo and lemonade and various sugary items. It was good times (theatre group social, with tapas! And a film! And some other things I may fill you in on in a moment).
But yes. The depressing bit.
WARNING - DO NOT REPLY TO THIS.
EDIT : ACTUALLY, FUCK IT. IF YOU'RE AROUND RIGHT NOW AND READING THIS (i.e. before tomorrow late morning), THEN PLEASE REPLY. I CURRENTLY FEEL LIKE CRAP.
This will probably wear off by tomorrow or be drowned in more important things, so after that please follow the above instructions :)
It makes me feel incredibly lame and self-conscious. You might wonder as to why I am then broadcasting my thoughts to the wonder of the internet? Well, partly because it helps me think about things properly and make sense of them. Yes, that includes the posting. I can't just write it. I have to try and explain.
Also, it's so that if I'm with you and drinking/whatever and go a bit odd, you might know why :P
So yeah. Basically, the Ross thing still has me hung up. Not because I'm all OMGIWASWRONGLET'SGETBACKTOGETHER (because 1, that would be a real mistake, 2, that would be an EPIC mistake and 3, that's just not what it is).
I lost track of that, so I'll make a new sentence. Basically, I:
- feel bad (I mean REALLY BAD) for hurting him. Because it's clear I really did. Not entirely sure how, as I was sure I was giving off 'casual' vibes, despite his 'OMGONETRULOVE' vibes. But yes. I'm sorry Ross, you're a great guy, but we'd known each other 4 weeks. You barely knew me. And in my book, that means you can't love me or fully understand me. The fact that I didn't feel comfortable around you or told you that I felt uncomfortable proves this. GAH.
- I also feel bad for trying to avoid him. This leads to interesting situations like today when I passed him on my way around campus and was compelled to say hi. I wanted to run. MATURE.
It also leads to funtimes when I see Writers' Guild people EVERYWHERE. I say hi, feel guilty and walk on. Every time I see Tony (Ross' best mate), I want to fall down on my knees and flail myself. Or something. Probably more likely to run actually.
I also feel decidedly shitty in terms of other relationships. I think mostly I'm just terrified of being stuck in that situation again, so I can't think about them properly. I'm overanalysing anything and everything even more than usual, and that was quite a bit to begin with. I was hanging out with the cast in the bar last week, chatting to Peter and Alex, who are both awesome, lovely people. I figure it's mildly normal to think to yourself 'Do I fancy him? Could he fancy me?'. I figure it's teenagerness and hormones and shit like that.
To then spend the rest of the WEEK wondering it and, not just that, but FREAKING OUT over it because every time you think about it you're reminded of what happened last time and and and generally just wanting to RUN THE FUCK AWAY...
Peter's awesome. We walked around Alex. Square chatting for nearly an hour when I happened to bump into him there once. But then I was like, he's awesome, he's funny, he's cute - do I fancy him? And then just GENERAL FREAKING OUT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN BARELY LOOK AT HIM LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO.
I'm probably making too much out of this or something, but sue me.
Every time I see people with long hair and beards I'm reminded of Ross. I'm starting to think if I ever venture into relationships again, it will be with a bald guy.
Or a girl. Because this whole business could turn me.
But YES. I will stop thinking about this now, and tell you about the funtimes :D
Went out with the 'A Perfect Gift' cast for another social - tapas! In town! After that it was supposed to be Vagina Monologues on campus, then cast viewing of 'Snatch' at Emily's house.
Parts of this got done :D
Tapas was nice - my first margherita in months was WELL WORTH the nearly £5 :D I should've ordered fajitas though, but *shrug* It was all good fun and good food - have to go back there :D
Then, as we sort of heard that the VM were sold out tonight, a load of us decided to follow Ross (different Ross, yes it's confusing) to a cabaret thing at the Yorkshire House, which is well known for live music and stuff. Went to Wetherspoons with Ruth first as well, which was fun, had some good chats and had cider :D Was by this point getting nicely drunk. Woot!
Then went to the Yorkshire House, which is a nice enough, small pub. Drew twice and lost once at table football :D Then went upstairs for the musical stuffs and things.
Well.
First off was a group of Srs Bsns metal heads. Or should I say, metal HAIRS. They had epic hair. And there was much head swishing and such.
The music was terrible. I mean, even by metal standards. (I'm not a big fan, but I can appreciate the good stuff). And GOD I hate screamed lyrics.
Could NOT stop giggling though. They just took it all so seriously. And then the lead singer would leave the stage halfway through a song to get a drink at the bar and saunter back 10 minutes later. I mean, hardcore. /sarc.
Also, the songs.
"This one's dedicated to the one I love, who's drained more blood than Dracula and the NHS... it's called Blood Countess!"
*screaming*
"This one's about a guy we all know... a rape-child, who was nailed to the fucking cross!"
*screaming CHORUS: Nailed to the cross, nailed to the cross, nailed to the fucking cross!*
Yeah.
After that was the shit scariest thing I have seen in my life. Pictures may follow if Toby loads them up and I steal them :D But basically, this person dressed as the crappest man-size dolly sauntered through and went on stage and talked in the creepiest voice.
"I'm still lost. I'm a lost dolly who was dropped from a pushchair and they didn't come back for me."
Us : WTF. Can we runs screemin naow?
This was followed by increasingly bad sexual innuendo from Freak Dolly. Involving her stuffing coming out and having to be put back in. Up her arse. By a member of the audience.
About this point I realised it was supposed to be the comic standup part of the evening. It was Not Funny. It was shit scary and we all left pretty sharpish, running down the stairs and laughing hysterically, telling everyone we met on the way to Emily's (to watch the film) about our Terrifying Experience and scaring each other with the idea she was coming after us.
If I don't have nightmares, I will fall down and worship God.
The film was great too :D Well worth seeing again, with some choice lines:
"Do you like dags?"
"Dags?"
"Yeah, dags. Do you like dags?"
...
"Oh. DOGS. Yeah, I like dags."
***
*on a fat man failing to get out of a car door*
"He's supposed to be a getaway driver - what the FUCK can he get away from?!"
***
etc.
The news that Diana's just been dumped by her boyfriend was less fun, and I feel terrible for her. This of course, given the booze and such lead me back to the above thoughts, which I guiltily shelved under Skittles and trying to have fun with the other guys.
All of which has lead me to getting back about 30 minutes ago :D And typing all this. I'm now moving onto the colouring for Mr Fish pt 5 (part 6 was drawn today! Can I hear a woot?)
I gave my ethernet cables to Michael yesterday to force myself to get some work done. It did work, mostly.
Unfortunately, I can see that this may have to become a regular occurance.
Damnit.
Anyway, I'll go now. ><
OH! Sarah J, Sarah P and Diana all said they liked my dress :D Goodtimes.
For the record, I've had a margherita (it was awesome, but expensive!), about a pint of cider, a SoCo and lemonade and various sugary items. It was good times (theatre group social, with tapas! And a film! And some other things I may fill you in on in a moment).
But yes. The depressing bit.
WARNING - DO NOT REPLY TO THIS.
EDIT : ACTUALLY, FUCK IT. IF YOU'RE AROUND RIGHT NOW AND READING THIS (i.e. before tomorrow late morning), THEN PLEASE REPLY. I CURRENTLY FEEL LIKE CRAP.
This will probably wear off by tomorrow or be drowned in more important things, so after that please follow the above instructions :)
It makes me feel incredibly lame and self-conscious. You might wonder as to why I am then broadcasting my thoughts to the wonder of the internet? Well, partly because it helps me think about things properly and make sense of them. Yes, that includes the posting. I can't just write it. I have to try and explain.
Also, it's so that if I'm with you and drinking/whatever and go a bit odd, you might know why :P
So yeah. Basically, the Ross thing still has me hung up. Not because I'm all OMGIWASWRONGLET'SGETBACKTOGETHER (because 1, that would be a real mistake, 2, that would be an EPIC mistake and 3, that's just not what it is).
I lost track of that, so I'll make a new sentence. Basically, I:
- feel bad (I mean REALLY BAD) for hurting him. Because it's clear I really did. Not entirely sure how, as I was sure I was giving off 'casual' vibes, despite his 'OMGONETRULOVE' vibes. But yes. I'm sorry Ross, you're a great guy, but we'd known each other 4 weeks. You barely knew me. And in my book, that means you can't love me or fully understand me. The fact that I didn't feel comfortable around you or told you that I felt uncomfortable proves this. GAH.
- I also feel bad for trying to avoid him. This leads to interesting situations like today when I passed him on my way around campus and was compelled to say hi. I wanted to run. MATURE.
It also leads to funtimes when I see Writers' Guild people EVERYWHERE. I say hi, feel guilty and walk on. Every time I see Tony (Ross' best mate), I want to fall down on my knees and flail myself. Or something. Probably more likely to run actually.
I also feel decidedly shitty in terms of other relationships. I think mostly I'm just terrified of being stuck in that situation again, so I can't think about them properly. I'm overanalysing anything and everything even more than usual, and that was quite a bit to begin with. I was hanging out with the cast in the bar last week, chatting to Peter and Alex, who are both awesome, lovely people. I figure it's mildly normal to think to yourself 'Do I fancy him? Could he fancy me?'. I figure it's teenagerness and hormones and shit like that.
To then spend the rest of the WEEK wondering it and, not just that, but FREAKING OUT over it because every time you think about it you're reminded of what happened last time and and and generally just wanting to RUN THE FUCK AWAY...
Peter's awesome. We walked around Alex. Square chatting for nearly an hour when I happened to bump into him there once. But then I was like, he's awesome, he's funny, he's cute - do I fancy him? And then just GENERAL FREAKING OUT TO THE POINT WHERE I CAN BARELY LOOK AT HIM LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO.
I'm probably making too much out of this or something, but sue me.
Every time I see people with long hair and beards I'm reminded of Ross. I'm starting to think if I ever venture into relationships again, it will be with a bald guy.
Or a girl. Because this whole business could turn me.
But YES. I will stop thinking about this now, and tell you about the funtimes :D
Went out with the 'A Perfect Gift' cast for another social - tapas! In town! After that it was supposed to be Vagina Monologues on campus, then cast viewing of 'Snatch' at Emily's house.
Parts of this got done :D
Tapas was nice - my first margherita in months was WELL WORTH the nearly £5 :D I should've ordered fajitas though, but *shrug* It was all good fun and good food - have to go back there :D
Then, as we sort of heard that the VM were sold out tonight, a load of us decided to follow Ross (different Ross, yes it's confusing) to a cabaret thing at the Yorkshire House, which is well known for live music and stuff. Went to Wetherspoons with Ruth first as well, which was fun, had some good chats and had cider :D Was by this point getting nicely drunk. Woot!
Then went to the Yorkshire House, which is a nice enough, small pub. Drew twice and lost once at table football :D Then went upstairs for the musical stuffs and things.
Well.
First off was a group of Srs Bsns metal heads. Or should I say, metal HAIRS. They had epic hair. And there was much head swishing and such.
The music was terrible. I mean, even by metal standards. (I'm not a big fan, but I can appreciate the good stuff). And GOD I hate screamed lyrics.
Could NOT stop giggling though. They just took it all so seriously. And then the lead singer would leave the stage halfway through a song to get a drink at the bar and saunter back 10 minutes later. I mean, hardcore. /sarc.
Also, the songs.
"This one's dedicated to the one I love, who's drained more blood than Dracula and the NHS... it's called Blood Countess!"
*screaming*
"This one's about a guy we all know... a rape-child, who was nailed to the fucking cross!"
*screaming CHORUS: Nailed to the cross, nailed to the cross, nailed to the fucking cross!*
Yeah.
After that was the shit scariest thing I have seen in my life. Pictures may follow if Toby loads them up and I steal them :D But basically, this person dressed as the crappest man-size dolly sauntered through and went on stage and talked in the creepiest voice.
"I'm still lost. I'm a lost dolly who was dropped from a pushchair and they didn't come back for me."
Us : WTF. Can we runs screemin naow?
This was followed by increasingly bad sexual innuendo from Freak Dolly. Involving her stuffing coming out and having to be put back in. Up her arse. By a member of the audience.
About this point I realised it was supposed to be the comic standup part of the evening. It was Not Funny. It was shit scary and we all left pretty sharpish, running down the stairs and laughing hysterically, telling everyone we met on the way to Emily's (to watch the film) about our Terrifying Experience and scaring each other with the idea she was coming after us.
If I don't have nightmares, I will fall down and worship God.
The film was great too :D Well worth seeing again, with some choice lines:
"Do you like dags?"
"Dags?"
"Yeah, dags. Do you like dags?"
...
"Oh. DOGS. Yeah, I like dags."
***
*on a fat man failing to get out of a car door*
"He's supposed to be a getaway driver - what the FUCK can he get away from?!"
***
etc.
The news that Diana's just been dumped by her boyfriend was less fun, and I feel terrible for her. This of course, given the booze and such lead me back to the above thoughts, which I guiltily shelved under Skittles and trying to have fun with the other guys.
All of which has lead me to getting back about 30 minutes ago :D And typing all this. I'm now moving onto the colouring for Mr Fish pt 5 (part 6 was drawn today! Can I hear a woot?)
I gave my ethernet cables to Michael yesterday to force myself to get some work done. It did work, mostly.
Unfortunately, I can see that this may have to become a regular occurance.
Damnit.
Anyway, I'll go now. ><
OH! Sarah J, Sarah P and Diana all said they liked my dress :D Goodtimes.