Stupidness
I think I 'm being forced to explain something I can't even explain myself. And I'm happy about that....WTF...I've been doing this thing in all my relationships that I've been able to get away with till now. Its kinda nice that I finally got caught. Its making me face my stupidness. My unfatefulness. haha I cant make it through a relation with out being stupid. I don't know why. I think it gets to a point where I'm either not getting the attention or something I need out of the relationship and I try to compensate by having another guy do it for me. This isn't good. I have too many guy friends who pine over me so its easy to get caught up in all the attention. I hate it but I love the attention soo much. I've only done this recently with Mat. It was before we took our break like the day b4. I got roped in by nathan to give him pictures so I could see him in his pink tuxedo. Stupid I know... I also had lost a few bets I had agreed on and I shouldn't have agreed to them in the first place but I'm really good at uno...and I somehow lost...Its not an excuse just an explaination to why I did what I did.
I love Mat I really do. But I have a problem with craving more attention than I should reasonably have. I don't know why that is.
Honestly about such situations just doesn't click in my head as being bad. I know this presents a problem in having a steady serious relationship.
Im scared.
I'm scared of having someone love me. So I do stupid things so I have back up for when they hurt me.
I've been hurt by so many ppl in my life. I know its not an excuse. It is a defense I need to break. I know mat wont hurt me again...at least i dont think so...he scares me.
so I answered my own question....yee...sigh...fuck me...
I want so bad to talk to mat but I don't feel worthy of his time. I've screwed up bad this time. I do n' tknow why he would still want me.
I've deleted all those who I shouldn't talk to except Eric. I can't let him go yet. I honestly don't even talk to him that often.
I'm done being stupid. I'm done putting myself in situations I shouldnt put myself in.
I love Mat I really do. But I have a problem with craving more attention than I should reasonably have. I don't know why that is.
Honestly about such situations just doesn't click in my head as being bad. I know this presents a problem in having a steady serious relationship.
Im scared.
I'm scared of having someone love me. So I do stupid things so I have back up for when they hurt me.
I've been hurt by so many ppl in my life. I know its not an excuse. It is a defense I need to break. I know mat wont hurt me again...at least i dont think so...he scares me.
so I answered my own question....yee...sigh...fuck me...
I want so bad to talk to mat but I don't feel worthy of his time. I've screwed up bad this time. I do n' tknow why he would still want me.
I've deleted all those who I shouldn't talk to except Eric. I can't let him go yet. I honestly don't even talk to him that often.
I'm done being stupid. I'm done putting myself in situations I shouldnt put myself in.