(no subject)
ive had quite a week and a 1/2, right now im lying on my lving room floor underneath the crazy oscillating cieling fan listening to the cranberries reverting back to being 11 singing along with dolores. Celia is here and we've been talking all night about everyone and everything, smoking and walking around town staring at drunk girls and black boys. last night was the first night since i moved in that people weren't here all or most of the night, it was quiet. i rode my bike around in the dark and rain barefoot feeling nicely indipendent. ive been going to the *gym* (i feel so rich american saying that) four times a week and feel better about myself physically, work is intense i have to chill with the intensity in my life right now. Caitlin fainted today, i was taking my break with her and she was sick, i drove her up here and hoped she wasn't going to need help till she could get ahold of her mother. it was really scary.
celia's telling me about her friend's brother thats being brainwashed by a cult.
'if i knew picasso, i would buy myself a gray guitar and play'
one nation
under canada
above mexico
ive been doing alot of thinking on last summer, incomparison to this, thinking aobut what regrets i may have, ive gotten so far this past year, so much learning from experience i feel completey different, all the partying all the being 'john's girlfriend' and not just 'hi im camille' i think ive become more of my own person more comfortable with my self alone, i dont need someone to be my other half. In fact id rather not have someone trying to be part of me. ive learned a big lesson on needing my own space, on being inturrupted, i guess theres something to be said for growing up an only child. oh what, selfish bitch did you say?
i slept with john last week, we were up til early am and it sorta just happened. didn't really see that one coming.
i dont have enough male friends around me right now, im getting fed up with the melodrama queen female thing. cant we go back to wrestling til our skin is stained from the ground and raw, i still remember capture the flag, and chasing games in the woods barefoot. none of this drama i have to deal with now, no phone calls at all hours requiring me to find drugs, no fucking relationship trauma, no picking petals off a flower. no one used to hate me for not calling them back once. we didn't call each other, it didn't require long tlaks on all the aspects of a relationship gone off, no sleeping around, no TALKING around.
i can write about this as many times as i want, but its always true and it always come up again. im not callous, im not rude, i do have respect for peoples feelings, but i dont tiptoe around things or lie to make people feel better, and i cant live a lie. im done waiting for people, done believing theyll come around and letting everything go by, for this year im going to focus inwardly and make my life happen the way i want it to, id love someone to be around in it too, id really love it, but im not going to wait for it, im not going to be static and fuss over what probably is not going to happen. im going to try not to go insane, ill be a slut a player a little bitch, but at least ill be true to it. thats what counts right? well, i got a headstart right? the best relationship is 2 self suffucient people with their own ambition who really like each other. lets not be like ivy and entwine ok?
goodnight, work at 8 my eye hurts.
celia's telling me about her friend's brother thats being brainwashed by a cult.
'if i knew picasso, i would buy myself a gray guitar and play'
one nation
under canada
above mexico
ive been doing alot of thinking on last summer, incomparison to this, thinking aobut what regrets i may have, ive gotten so far this past year, so much learning from experience i feel completey different, all the partying all the being 'john's girlfriend' and not just 'hi im camille' i think ive become more of my own person more comfortable with my self alone, i dont need someone to be my other half. In fact id rather not have someone trying to be part of me. ive learned a big lesson on needing my own space, on being inturrupted, i guess theres something to be said for growing up an only child. oh what, selfish bitch did you say?
i slept with john last week, we were up til early am and it sorta just happened. didn't really see that one coming.
i dont have enough male friends around me right now, im getting fed up with the melodrama queen female thing. cant we go back to wrestling til our skin is stained from the ground and raw, i still remember capture the flag, and chasing games in the woods barefoot. none of this drama i have to deal with now, no phone calls at all hours requiring me to find drugs, no fucking relationship trauma, no picking petals off a flower. no one used to hate me for not calling them back once. we didn't call each other, it didn't require long tlaks on all the aspects of a relationship gone off, no sleeping around, no TALKING around.
i can write about this as many times as i want, but its always true and it always come up again. im not callous, im not rude, i do have respect for peoples feelings, but i dont tiptoe around things or lie to make people feel better, and i cant live a lie. im done waiting for people, done believing theyll come around and letting everything go by, for this year im going to focus inwardly and make my life happen the way i want it to, id love someone to be around in it too, id really love it, but im not going to wait for it, im not going to be static and fuss over what probably is not going to happen. im going to try not to go insane, ill be a slut a player a little bitch, but at least ill be true to it. thats what counts right? well, i got a headstart right? the best relationship is 2 self suffucient people with their own ambition who really like each other. lets not be like ivy and entwine ok?
goodnight, work at 8 my eye hurts.