passing the first test
extended family is not something i’m used to. i’ve gotten used to it since i got married. my husband’s family is huge and pretty close. also, most of them live in los angeles, so we often saw each other. my family was always apart. there’s family in cuba, florida, new york, and spain, but for a long time we were the only contingent in los angeles after my father’s cousin left southgate for tampa bay. now there’s my grandmother’s cousin and her daughter, but i barely know them since they try to avoid visiting my grandmother while my mother’s around. you know you’re family when my mother’s rude to you.
well, now i’ve made the big leap and i’m in spain. the first week was really hard. i quickly got a crash course in extended family and balancing expectations. my cousin and his wife picked us up from the airport and let us stay with them until we found somewhere to live. they live in a two-story house in a neighborhood that was built by the government to house lower-income families. my cousin immigrated to spain 12 years ago when the mayor of galicia sponsored his emigration from cuba. you see, my cousin was a political prisoner. he had protested against the cuban government for not allowing its citizens to practice their religion freely (my cousin’s very catholic). 12 years ago i was standing in my parent’s kitchen when my dad flipped out at seeing my cousin’s name printed in a local cuban exile rag. my cousin was listed as one of 10 men that were going to be put in front of a firing squad. i’m not exactly sure what happened, but my cousin was one of the lucky men who ended up in spain. if i remember the story correctly, three of the ten men were executed. eventually his wife and daughter joined him (his daughter was an infant at the time). two years later they had a boy. my cousin now spends his life running an ngo that sends medical supplies to cuba and arguing politics with whoever will listen. his wife works at a free clinic. it’s hard to define them politically because they’re not right nor left wing. they have friends on both sides. all i can say is that they’re very good people and that my cousin’s fervor for justice is unstoppable.
that’s where we butted heads. he knew i had been an activist and that i had studied political science in college. because of this he couldn’t conceive of why i had chosen to leave the activist world. he seemed to think that because i needed work here that i would be thrilled to join him in his work. in the midst of jet lag and chorizo i had to fight to keep my eyes open while he showed me his organization’s mission statement and told me about his upcoming projects. he was excited that he could use my knowledge of english and the american political machine to further his cause. what he didn’t count on was that i had my own agenda. i wasn’t in spain because i thought it would be a fun adventure to have and that flamenco was just a hobby. he kept asking me questions like “why did you stop organizing?” and “why are you dancing if you studied political science?” as if to prove to himself that i was here for kicks. even though i answered everything truthfully it wasn’t getting through his head. one night he asked me to help him translate a budget proposal into english. he had an opportunity to obtain a grant from the u.s. government for his organization. he knew a professional translator, but why choose a translator when you have a native in your own house? well, because of what he had been through, the fact that he was housing us, and that he was he was my newfound family, i decided i’d help him. little did i know that what he told me would take 15 minutes actually took two hours to do half of! after those two hours he saw that i was tired and told me to go to bed, that we could finish it the next day. unfortunately the next day, my husband and i did not get home from our tefl school and apartment-hunting until 9:30 that night. we had dinner at 10 and as soon as i was done with dinner, my cousin came looking for me. i still had to prepare a lesson for my first graded english class the next day. i quickly made a choice that changed our new relationship and my role in the family forever. i prioritized myself for once. after some hesitation, i told him i had homework and that i couldn’t help him that night. he quickly rushed to say, “that’s fine; i’ll figure it out myself”. i knew he was upset. i was upset, but i knew that if i had helped him that night, i would only be digging myself deeper into my role as the problem-solver of the family. the role i’ve been trying desperately to leave behind, so desperately that i partly moved overseas because of it.
well, the next evening was rough. i was exhausted after teaching my first class partly because i was kept up much of the night by my husband. mr. stoicism actually had the first panic-attack i had ever seen him have. he had never taught before, his teacher had fallen behind in class and hadn’t gone over the class’s lesson plans with them before they had to teach. my husband didn’t calm down and have a concrete plan until my computer crashed at 5:30 in the morning with some of his materials still on it. somehow that crash pushed him so far over the edge he pushed past his fear of failure.
anyway, both our lessons went fine that day and i went home ready to help my cousin. instead he ignored me. he gave me the cold shoulder and had his wife bring dinner to his room. having felt supported by me the night before, my husband felt it was time to help me surpass my fears by making me go confront my cousin. so i did. he gave me a long semi-manipulative speech about how it was too late for me to help because his proposal had been due that day and that now a potentially once-in-a-lifetime opportunity was lost. i listened to him drone on about it, reminding myself that he had a professional translator who worked for him and that i was not responsible for something that was supposed to happen regardless of whether or not i had been in spain.
i haven’t seen my cousin since the day we moved out of his kids’ bunk bed (oh yeah, did i forget to mention that?), but i’ve talked to him on the phone. he sounds like his usual gung-ho self and he seems totally fine with me. he hasn’t asked me to help with anything and i partly feel bad about that, but i feel good about it too. i’ve been able to fully focus on myself rather than family drama for the first time in my life. my husband and i passed our tefl course, we have work, and i’m taking my dance classes.
damnit, i’m in fucking spain!
well, now i’ve made the big leap and i’m in spain. the first week was really hard. i quickly got a crash course in extended family and balancing expectations. my cousin and his wife picked us up from the airport and let us stay with them until we found somewhere to live. they live in a two-story house in a neighborhood that was built by the government to house lower-income families. my cousin immigrated to spain 12 years ago when the mayor of galicia sponsored his emigration from cuba. you see, my cousin was a political prisoner. he had protested against the cuban government for not allowing its citizens to practice their religion freely (my cousin’s very catholic). 12 years ago i was standing in my parent’s kitchen when my dad flipped out at seeing my cousin’s name printed in a local cuban exile rag. my cousin was listed as one of 10 men that were going to be put in front of a firing squad. i’m not exactly sure what happened, but my cousin was one of the lucky men who ended up in spain. if i remember the story correctly, three of the ten men were executed. eventually his wife and daughter joined him (his daughter was an infant at the time). two years later they had a boy. my cousin now spends his life running an ngo that sends medical supplies to cuba and arguing politics with whoever will listen. his wife works at a free clinic. it’s hard to define them politically because they’re not right nor left wing. they have friends on both sides. all i can say is that they’re very good people and that my cousin’s fervor for justice is unstoppable.
that’s where we butted heads. he knew i had been an activist and that i had studied political science in college. because of this he couldn’t conceive of why i had chosen to leave the activist world. he seemed to think that because i needed work here that i would be thrilled to join him in his work. in the midst of jet lag and chorizo i had to fight to keep my eyes open while he showed me his organization’s mission statement and told me about his upcoming projects. he was excited that he could use my knowledge of english and the american political machine to further his cause. what he didn’t count on was that i had my own agenda. i wasn’t in spain because i thought it would be a fun adventure to have and that flamenco was just a hobby. he kept asking me questions like “why did you stop organizing?” and “why are you dancing if you studied political science?” as if to prove to himself that i was here for kicks. even though i answered everything truthfully it wasn’t getting through his head. one night he asked me to help him translate a budget proposal into english. he had an opportunity to obtain a grant from the u.s. government for his organization. he knew a professional translator, but why choose a translator when you have a native in your own house? well, because of what he had been through, the fact that he was housing us, and that he was he was my newfound family, i decided i’d help him. little did i know that what he told me would take 15 minutes actually took two hours to do half of! after those two hours he saw that i was tired and told me to go to bed, that we could finish it the next day. unfortunately the next day, my husband and i did not get home from our tefl school and apartment-hunting until 9:30 that night. we had dinner at 10 and as soon as i was done with dinner, my cousin came looking for me. i still had to prepare a lesson for my first graded english class the next day. i quickly made a choice that changed our new relationship and my role in the family forever. i prioritized myself for once. after some hesitation, i told him i had homework and that i couldn’t help him that night. he quickly rushed to say, “that’s fine; i’ll figure it out myself”. i knew he was upset. i was upset, but i knew that if i had helped him that night, i would only be digging myself deeper into my role as the problem-solver of the family. the role i’ve been trying desperately to leave behind, so desperately that i partly moved overseas because of it.
well, the next evening was rough. i was exhausted after teaching my first class partly because i was kept up much of the night by my husband. mr. stoicism actually had the first panic-attack i had ever seen him have. he had never taught before, his teacher had fallen behind in class and hadn’t gone over the class’s lesson plans with them before they had to teach. my husband didn’t calm down and have a concrete plan until my computer crashed at 5:30 in the morning with some of his materials still on it. somehow that crash pushed him so far over the edge he pushed past his fear of failure.
anyway, both our lessons went fine that day and i went home ready to help my cousin. instead he ignored me. he gave me the cold shoulder and had his wife bring dinner to his room. having felt supported by me the night before, my husband felt it was time to help me surpass my fears by making me go confront my cousin. so i did. he gave me a long semi-manipulative speech about how it was too late for me to help because his proposal had been due that day and that now a potentially once-in-a-lifetime opportunity was lost. i listened to him drone on about it, reminding myself that he had a professional translator who worked for him and that i was not responsible for something that was supposed to happen regardless of whether or not i had been in spain.
i haven’t seen my cousin since the day we moved out of his kids’ bunk bed (oh yeah, did i forget to mention that?), but i’ve talked to him on the phone. he sounds like his usual gung-ho self and he seems totally fine with me. he hasn’t asked me to help with anything and i partly feel bad about that, but i feel good about it too. i’ve been able to fully focus on myself rather than family drama for the first time in my life. my husband and i passed our tefl course, we have work, and i’m taking my dance classes.
damnit, i’m in fucking spain!