thoughts in corners of my mind
I realized something tonight. So many times I get into moods where I just want to talk to someone, to the point of being desperate. But the one person I don't want to have to talk to is myself, and that's the person I need to talk to the most. To get in touch with the thoughts that I've pushed into the corners of my mind. They aren't buried, just pushed aside, and that's the reasoning behind the desperation to talk. Not to share, but to find a way to occupy myself so that I can keep those thoughts in the corners, where I try to tell myself that they belong. They don't belong there, neither do I, though I try to convince myself of both of those things on a fairly regular basis. Doesn't mean that I still don't need and want to talk to people. I do, desperately so, but more so for a connection to other people, to enjoy their company, not to be a distraction from myself. Too long I've created distractions from myself. Blaming one distraction for another, creating a tangled mess of thoughts, emotions, and packed away pieces of my thoughts and self.
Time to start talking to myself again, and truely listening and paying attention to what I say, and what I don't say. Not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it is time to at least give it a try so that I can see what happens. I need to remember that I should be afraid of things I understand. I keep wasting so much time and energy being afraid of what I don't understand. Its like being afraid of what is behind the curtain. It could be a piece of paper, a puppy, or an angry lion, but until I lift it or push it aside, I'll never know. And then I'll never know if it was really worth being afraid.
Time to start talking to myself again, and truely listening and paying attention to what I say, and what I don't say. Not sure how I feel about that, but I guess it is time to at least give it a try so that I can see what happens. I need to remember that I should be afraid of things I understand. I keep wasting so much time and energy being afraid of what I don't understand. Its like being afraid of what is behind the curtain. It could be a piece of paper, a puppy, or an angry lion, but until I lift it or push it aside, I'll never know. And then I'll never know if it was really worth being afraid.