Imprints on my Conscience (Tao/Kris) ch. 3
Title: Imprints on my Conscience
Rating: NC17
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Tao/Kris
Length: 6.7k
[ previous chapter]
When he woke up the following morning he was in his bed. He didn't remember at what point he'd fallen asleep, and he certainly didn't know how he had gotten there from his place on the couch. The space beside him, a space which was rarely filled normally, felt unusually cold and empty now and Wu Fan rolled over onto his side to face it with a quiet sigh.
This is what I signed up for, and I knew it, he thought to himself. I only have myself to blame.
-
It was the beginning of a sort of routine.
Tao would visit at random; usually when Kris began missing him and the youth was on his mind more. Sometimes though, Kris was distracted by office deadlines and was sure he hadn't thought of the other at all when he came home to find Tao there. He certainly never complained about the other's unexpected company, especially not when he sometimes found Tao already naked in his bedroom, waiting for him.
This happened every few days, usually once or twice a week, and Wu Fan was almost certain that he was only growing more and more addicted to the way Tao made him feel when they were together. Tao did not repeat the intimacy of that first night since their reunion; instead, he treated Wu Fan as a plaything, handling him as if he were there solely for Tao's pleasure.
Wu Fan didn't mind... after all, it wasn't entirely untrue. The thrills of excitement he felt as he lay bruised and defeated on the floor, Tao's heavy boot pressing down on his throat hard enough to restrict his breathing, were telling enough.
Every morning after he'd spent a night with Tao he felt exhausted-sometimes after a particularly intense session he actually felt a bit sick-but it usually took him only another decent night's sleep to recover, although the various bruises and scrapes took a little longer than that.
So he noticed something wasn't quite right when he began to sleep through his alarm almost every other day.
Usually it happened directly after an evening spent in Tao's company; sometimes he woke up just in time to rush around getting ready and still make it to work in time, but today he had woken up fifteen minutes after the working day had already begun so he simply lay in bed staring at his clock and wishing he could just close his eyes again and go back to sleep.
However, Wu Fan had a reputation to uphold in the office... and coming in to work late was not conducive to maintaining that reputation. Today he didn't have a choice; he would have to come in late, or not at all.
Wu Fan settled on late. There was far too much work to be done to take a random day off.
He ran excuses through his head as he showered and brushed his teeth, glaring at his reflection in the mirror. Whatever reason he gave, it definitely wouldn't be that he'd slept in. I'm unwell, he tried first, as he spat toothpaste into the sink. No... I had an appointment to attend first thing this morning. Rinsing out his mouth, he sighed at his reflection and absently ran his fingertips along the dark shadows beneath his eyes. An important appointment I couldn't miss. A meeting.
He grimaced and wondered if perhaps he shouldn't simply use the illness excuse; he didn't look well. He wondered if the gauntness to his cheeks was a trick of the light, if the darkness under his eyes wasn't just due to the fluorescent lighting overheard. He didn't feel sick, only tired, and he blamed that on the late wake-up.
Running mechanically through his morning routine, Wu Fan cast a glance towards his bed as he left the bathroom, his gaze seeking out patterns in the wrinkled sheets.
Wishfully seeking the shape of another. Not finding it, of course.
Just once, he thought bitterly to himself, it wouldn't hurt him to stay just once, surely.
He made the bed, pulling the sheets taut and folding them carefully, straightening the wrinkles that told a story he didn't want to think about; that he was alone. That even with the companionship he'd so desperately chased down and tried to claim, he was ultimately still very alone. Tao visited when he chose to. When he wasn't around, Wu Fan had no way of contacting him, no way of finding him. All he could to was to hold onto Tao when the man came to him and hope desperately that the other wouldn't slip away.
And still every night that they were together, Tao vanished the moment Wu Fan fell asleep.
Smoothing down sheets with one last sweep of his hand, Wu Fan was finally satisfied and headed out to the living room.
His limbs felt heavier than usual as he moved around and he wondered idly if he really wasn't developing some sort of flu. His head swam and a flu would explain the exhaustion he felt and the heaviness in his limbs, even though he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary for a few days-even then the only exhausting activity had been Tao's company, from which he was sure he'd already recovered.
Deciding that ignoring it for the moment was the best course of action, Wu Fan had breakfast and a strong cup of coffee and was pleased when both made him feel significantly less weary. Popping a couple of painkillers as a precaution against any potential discomfort for the rest of the morning, he buttoned his shirt, fixed his tie neatly in place and stepped into his car to drive to work.
By the time he arrived at work the simple exhaustion had developed into nausea and the morning sunshine had given him a headache. The alarm in Yixing's eyes when Wu Fan walked into the office was unmistakeable.
'Oh my god, are you alright?' he stood a few feet from the older man, hands slightly raised as if he'd been about to walk over and touch Wu Fan before thinking the better of it. 'You look like death warmed over. Did something happen?'
Wu Fan didn't have the energy to glare at him, he simply muttered 'meeting' as he walked past, which was a far cry from the elaborate lie he'd spun in his head to explain why he was late to anyone who asked. Yixing looked like he wanted to say more but Wu Fan didn't give him the opportunity, moving away from him and going to take a seat in his chair in a posture that clearly stated; talk to me for any reason besides work and I will kill you.
Needless to say, no one approached. But from across the office, he felt Yixing's concerned gaze on him and he fumed about it.
The work day dragged and Wu Fan only grew grumpier with every passing minute; it seemed like everything was conspiring against him that day. His computer seized up twice and lost him a lot of work progress and it took everything he had not to fling his full coffee mug at the screen.
While his co-workers were often afraid of his scowl, Wu Fan took pride in keeping his composure and his temper in check. He did not like feeling like he was losing that control.
He was beginning to feel quite ill again and was seriously contemplating going home. Downing the last of his coffee, he shot his computer one last irritated look before he began slowly gathering his things, considering how he'd word his excuse for having to leave since it was only the middle of the afternoon.
'I'd like to see Wu Fan, if you could please let him know I'm here. I'm a friend.'
Looking up sharply at the sound of the voice, familiar even as a murmur at a distance, Wu Fan wasn't quite sure he believed what he was seeing at first; at the reception desk stood Tao, dressed all in black yet again, demure smile on his face. As the receptionist offered him a polite smile and nod, picking up her phone to call Wu Fan's extension, Tao's eyes lifted and met Wu Fan's across the open office.
Wu Fan felt frozen in place, panic rising in his chest as he glanced around quickly at his co-workers. No one seemed to have noticed Tao, or if they had they paid him no mind. Behind him his phone buzzed with the internal call from the reception desk and he ignored it, taking long strides through the maze of cubicles in Tao's direction.
He seized the other's arm when he was close enough and kept walking, yanking Tao away from the front desk and dragging him towards the elevator, ignoring the receptionist's startled look. Tao on the other hand didn't seem disturbed by this, he even chuckled as if he'd been expecting it.
'What are you doing at my work?' Wu Fan tried hard to keep the distress out of his voice. It was surreal seeing Tao in this environment; in his home or at the club Tao felt like an indulgent fantasy, like some secret Wu Fan had all to himself. Seeing him in his office was jarring and something that-Wu Fan realised now-he didn't want. Not at all.
'I wanted to see you in your natural habitat. I'd almost think you weren't pleased to see me, Wu Fan.' there was laughter in Tao's tone and it only stirred up Wu Fan's temper even more.
He rounded on him. 'Why are you here?'
'Hmm, I almost like this side of you. This is professional Wu Fan... the in-charge Wu Fan.' Tao reached forward and traced the edge of Wu Fan's jacket lapel with finger and thumb, smoothing an imaginary crease. 'It's refreshing. You should show it to me at home a bit more.'
'Quit it.' he hissed, smacking the other's arm aside.
Tao's eyes narrowed and the smile flickered away. 'Oh I see, so it's perfectly okay for me to come by when you're feeling an urge and won't stop thinking of me fucking you until you beg, but it's inconvenient for me to come by any other time?' he stepped in closer, leaning right in to the other's face. 'I am not your fucking call-boy, do you understand me?' his eyes flashed dangerously and Wu Fan's throat closed over momentarily as he recalled in quick succession each of the times he had seen that look before. 'I don't just show up when it suits you. I came for a reason.'
'Is... is everything okay here?'
Both men turned sharply to find Yixing standing a few feet away, coffee in hand, looking from one to the other and obviously more than a little concerned. They hadn't noticed the elevator doors opening and he had stepped out almost directly into their confrontation.
Wu Fan's panic flared up again briefly and he stepped away from Tao, placing himself between the two others as he forced a smile. 'It's nothing, Yixing. He's just...' he faltered briefly, usually calm thoughts disrupted by Tao's sudden presence. 'Someone I knew from school. He was just leaving.'
Calmly, Tao pushed him aside and stepped in towards Yixing, offering a hand and a charming smile. 'Zitao. You can call me Tao though, almost everyone does.'
Yixing seemed uncertain still, as he eyes Tao and then Wu Fan, but he clasped Tao's hand in his own nonetheless. Tao held on a bit longer than necessary, and Yixing looked a little nervous. 'It's... nice to meet you. A school friend of Wu Fan's? I don't think he's ever mentioned you.'
'Because I don't discuss my personal life at the office.' Wu Fan said through gritted teeth. 'When have you heard me mention anyone?'
Yixing seemed a little put off by the tone; he frowned up at his co-worker and seemed somewhat at a loss as to what to say. 'Well. Sorry.' he offered Tao a tight-lipped smile and a slight nod, but simply cast a flat stare in Wu Fan's direction. 'I'll leave you guys to it. I'm sorry I, uh... interrupted.'
With that he carefully side-stepped around them and headed back in to the main office. Tao watched him go and seemed thoughtful, tongue poking slightly out from the corner of his mouth as he seemed to consider something. Slowly turning to face Wu Fan again, he gave him a measured stare.
'He sure likes you. A lot.'
'What? No.'
'Are you thick? You shouldn't even need my abilities to be able to read that on him. Unless you just don't want him and you're choosing to ignore it?'
'I-what?!'
'Well aren't you articulate today.'
'Look, just... get out. I don't have time to deal with this right now.' Wu Fan waved a hand towards the elevator and turned away to head back to the office.
'Feeling a bit weary today?' Tao's tone carried tension, and none of the sarcasm that might easily have been behind those words. 'A bit ill?'
Wu Fan froze. Squaring his shoulders, he turned slowly to face the other again. 'What are you talking about?'
Exhaling sharply and crossing his arms over his chest, Tao looked away. 'I can tell. You look sick, and you're walking like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Did you throw up this morning?'
'No.'
Tao looked up again, meeting his gaze and searching it for a lie. He seemed satisfied when he couldn't find out. 'Well that's... promising, I suppose. But even so...'
Wu Fan uttered a strangled sound of frustration and presses the heels of his hands against his eyes for a moment as he tried to regain some of the patience he was swiftly losing. 'Zitao, what are you doing here.'
'You're fighting a losing battle. A battle that I told you from the very beginning that you were losing. You're giving me too much.' Tao's tone was level, but his lips pursed briefly and something flickered in the depths of his eyes. Wu Fan didn't know what to make of it. 'Even though I keep telling you it's a bad idea, you insist. And now you're sick. You're going to keep getting sicker if this keeps up, do you understand?'
Wu Fan shook his head. 'I'm tired, that's all it is. Or, you know, maybe I am sick-I'm not superhuman like you, I'm probably coming down with something. That isn't unusual, Zitao... it happens. When we...' he trailed off and looked around for any co-workers that were within earshot, but didn't see any. '...I'm always fine a few days after. I rest and I'm always fine. Sleeping more helps a lot.'
Tao was staring at him with something like disbelief. 'I knew it. You don't understand the gravity of your situation at all, I'm trying to tell you that you are killing yourself and you're trying to blow me off, you are either a lot stupider than I give you credit for or you're mad. We haven't seen one another for nearly a week, if there was nothing wrong then you shouldn't be feeling tired or sick at all.'
'Zitao I'm not going to do this here. Not at my work, okay? I don't know why you thought it would be a good idea to turn up here, or why you thought it was a good time to bring this up-again-but I just...' Wu Fan moved over to him, resting his hands on Tao's shoulders while the other impassively met his gaze. 'Please don't worry. Let me take care of myself.'
'You're an idiot.' Tao replied flatly.
'We can discuss this properly tonight, if you really want. You can come over or we could meet somewhere...'
'You are a fucking idiot.'
Wu Fan wished it were as simple as that. Tao's words stung but he had no way of arguing his side of things without going into emotional territory that he wasn't ready to face, that he wasn't sure he'd ever be quite ready to face. 'Please.' his hands slid down from Tao's shoulders to his upper arms, giving them a reassuring squeeze. 'Come by tonight. We can talk properly.'
Tao uttered a short, bitter laugh and shrugged him off. He didn't reply, stepping into an elevator that had opened up and not casting even a glance back at Wu Fan before the doors closed.
-
Tao did not visit that night.
Wu Fan waited up late for him, and then prepared for bed in the hope the other would turn up after he fell asleep, but even though he thought hard about the other, right up until he dozed off, Tao did not show up.
Tao did not show up the next night either, or the remainder of the week. Wu Fan tried to think nothing of it, as it wasn't the longest he'd gone without the other's company, but their last conversation had left him feeling uneasy. He tried not to entertain the fact that it might have been the last time he'd ever see Tao.
He tried not to think of the other's needs, tried not to think about the fact that if Tao wasn't with Wu Fan then he was probably with someone else, satisfying his appetite. Of course the more he tried not to think about it, the more it plagued him.
His physical health improved slightly-his mental health not so much. He began to find himself distracted, catching himself daydreaming at his desk more times than he actually spent being productive. He spent ages at night trying to fall asleep, tossing and turning for hours before exhaustion settled into his system and dragged his painfully active mind under. Still, Tao did not come.
Another two weeks went by like this.
Wu Fan returned to the bar. It was honestly the last place he had wanted to go, he wanted it to be nothing more than an absolute last resort, and the fact he was turning to his last resort this soon appalled him. He felt as if he'd lost any and all of the progress he had made in the nearly twelve weeks since he had found Tao in the bar for their second encounter, and he knew he probably deserved it.
Minseok, ever the gracious bartender, did not ask questions. He took one look at the other's drawn face and served him a drink silently, but when the time came to cut him off he did so, firmly but kindly, and sent Wu Fan home.
Again Tao did not come. Wu Fan wished there were some way of letting him know that he really didn't have to worry about using too much of Wu Fan's energy, or of killing him, because as it turned out it seemed that without Tao around it was having just about the same kind of effect on the businessman anyway. People who knew him would have called him a shell of the man he'd once was-that is, if he ever left the house and saw anyone outside of business hours these days.
Yixing stopped asking what was wrong after the fifth non-answer from Wu Fan and not long after didn't even stop by his desk anymore on the odd occasion to check on him. Wu Fan barely noticed. He was forced to notice that he wasn't getting away with it, though, when he was called into the company director's office.
‘Look,’ his boss was saying sympathetically when Wu Fan managed to gather enough concentration to actually listen to him, ‘I know you’re a hard worker, but even you’re bound to get sick sometimes. You’ve got a huge amount of accrued leave… take it. Have a rest. You’re not the only one, Yixing’s sick too to I think it’s going around. I might send him home as well. Neither of you are doing anyone any good by coming in and spreading whatever it is around.’ His boss wasn’t particularly good at being sympathetic but the general concern for Wu Fan’s health was there.
Wu Fan scowled, resisting the urge to snipe at his boss that he doubted Yixing had the same problem as him and a few days rest weren’t going to fix his issue, but he knew that wouldn’t exactly improve his situation. He also didn’t really have the energy to argue and instead settled it with a curt ‘Yes, sir.’ Before standing and bowing politely. ‘Thank you, sir.’ He added as an afterthought and left the office.
Inwardly, he was fuming. It had nothing to do with his boss, or the leave he was being forced to take-rather, he was angry at himself for letting his pining for Tao become an actual, consuming disease noticeable enough for other people to want to get involved. This was not healthy, a relationship where one person was addicted to another person who did not reciprocate was just not healthy, but no amount of rationalising was making it any easier for him to forget that Tao existed.
He stuck his head back into his boss’ office. ‘May I leave right this instant?’
A nod was all he needed, heading back to his desk to grab his things. On his way there he passed by Yixing, who seemed to shrink a little in his seat and turn away from him. The unusual behaviour from the normally open, kind man made Wu Fan pause mid-step before he dismissed it and continued on his way. Yixing didn’t look well, as his boss had said; the young man’s face was pale, dark circles around his eyes as if he hadn’t slept for days.
Wu Fan paused again-this time in the middle of putting his paperwork back into his briefcase so he could work on it at home-and glanced over his shoulder back at the other man. He was just in time to catch Yixing peering at him over the top of his cubicle wall before he hurriedly ducked out of sight when Wu Fan caught him.
…I know that look, Wu Fan thought as paranoia and suspicion began to wind its tendrils uncomfortably around his insides. I see it in the mirror sometimes, right after-
Three long strides took him back over to Yixing’s desk and he leaned over the flimsy cubicle partition to give the other the full effect of his glower. ‘Yixing.’
Yixing actually flinched at the sound of his name before he gave Wu Fan a tired smile. ‘Wu Fan,’ he responded amiably, but his eyes darted, not quite able to hold the man’s gaze. ‘You’re going home?’
Wu Fan studied him carefully, taking note of the pallor of Yixing’s normally glowing skin and the dullness in usually bright eyes. He looked like he’d lost weight, too, his cheeks seeming a little more sunken than the last time Wu Fan had properly looked at him, the usually pronounced dimple in Yixing’s cheek barely noticeable now. ‘Yixing,’ he said again, keeping his voice low. ‘You don’t look well. Maybe you should be going home too.’
Yixing was often a difficult man to read because he was very good at keeping his expression neutral, however it wasn't hard to see that Wu Fan's close proximity was making him very uncomfortable. He shifted on his seat and wiped his palms against his thighs, gaze flicking up momentarily to meet Wu Fan's as he nodded. 'Maybe I will. I'm... I'm not sure yet.'
In all honesty, Wu Fan didn't know Yixing that well, past the fact that they worked together and that Yixing made it his business to offer tea to him when he thought Wu Fan needed it. He didn't ever really seem to give any of the other office workers tea, which made Wu Fan think that perhaps the other really had been making a special effort to get a bit closer to his normally antisocial self. He almost felt bad for cornering him like this, but if he didn't confirm his suspicions now, he'd only keep thinking about it as he went mad by himself at home.
'Yixing, you remember my school friend who visited the other day. Tao?'
There was a barely perceivable twitch of one of the hands Yixing had resting in his lap and he gave a small nod. 'Yes.'
Wu Fan waited for more, but when that was the only thing offered up, he spoke again. 'He hasn't visited the office since, has he? At any point while I haven't been here.'
'No.' Yixing replied, his eyes clear now and staring up at Wu Fan with open honesty. 'Not once.'
Wu Fan held his gaze firmly, seeking a lie, feeling only a little bit guilty that he was intent on pinning this one on his co-worker. It was such a long stretch and, honestly, Yixing was a pretty sweet guy who never really seemed like he had anything to hide. It was just that the visible effects of whatever illness Yixing had seemed so strikingly similar to his own debilitations while at the mercy of Tao's vampirism that he was unwilling to let it go so easily.
'You've seen him since then though, haven't you?' he asked then, taking a chance, and the slight widening of Yixing's eyes was enough to answer his question.
Several emotions rolled through Wu Fan at once; understanding dawned, then was slapped out of the way by shock and after that he almost immediately felt his stomach roll sickeningly as he experienced a wave of jealousy and anger.
'Did he ask you to hide it from me?' he asked through gritted teeth, and now Yixing was beginning to look worried and a little upset.
'Wu Fan,' he leaned forward in his seat, voice low and strained. 'Can we not do this here, please?'
'Do you know where he is?'
What, he had wanted to say. Do you know what he is? But this was already escalating quickly enough without adding that to the mix. After all, if Yixing didn't know, then bringing it up was just going to make everything a hell of a lot more complicated than it already was. And why Yixing of all people? He was growing more angry with every passing second as the enormity of this set in. Sure, he had expected Tao would have gone to someone else in his absence, but why Yixing? Why the quiet, sweet co-worker who Tao had even said seemed to have a soft spot for Wu Fan despite the man's aloof behaviour?
He realised that Yixing had replied but that he'd been so caught up in his own unbridled emotion that he hadn't caught it. Yixing must have noticed him refocusing his attention because he repeated himself. 'I don't know where he is right now. He comes... I let him come when he pleases, Wu Fan I'm... I'm sorry.' the apology was hesitant; honest, but almost as if he wasn't sure what he was apologising for. He was beginning to realise there was something here he wasn't understanding, but as he didn't have the full story he could only guess the best method of fixing things.
'Where did you two meet? When?'
Yixing was beginning to look really distressed and glanced around at other cubicles nearby but the walls separating them made it impossible to tell if anyone was listening. 'Listen,' he said softly but urgently. 'Why don't... why don't you come over to my place and we'll talk about this properly, alright? Because I don't really understand what I've gotten myself into, here.'
No, Wu Fan thought grimly, some of the anger ebbing back to a dull throb rather than a burning rage. I don't think you know at all.
-
Yixing lived in a small one-bedroom apartment that probably could have fit in its entirety into Wu Fan's lounge area. On the way there, while he'd had a moment to compose himself in his car as he followed Yixing's modest little Suzuki through town, he'd begun to feel a bit guilty.
It was mainly for the way he'd cornered the other man. Yixing's startled, unsure expression kept haunting him as he quietly cursed Tao for even getting him involved in this. Whatever this was. And why Yixing, of all people? Tao could have swanned into any nightclub he wanted and taken his pick, but instead he'd gone for the quiet, diligent and thoughtful co-worker.
It made Wu Fan angry all over again when he realised Tao had probably chosen Yixing on purpose-he wanted to rile Wu Fan up, and a faceless stranger being the object of Tao’s affections just didn’t have the same effect as someone Wu Fan interacted with on a daily basis. Asshole. His own jealousy aside, Yixing didn’t deserve to be a pawn in Tao’s games. The man seemed nothing but kind and selfless and while Wu Fan was happy to deal with Tao's bullshit he didn't like the idea of Yixing having to.
Yixing led him up the stairs-‘the elevator is broken, sorry’-and unlocked his apartment door, nudging off his shoes as he stepped inside. Wu Fan followed his example and looked around curiously, momentarily forgetting the reason for his visit; the apartment was exactly what he’d expected, small but neat and somehow… cosy. It suited Yixing, somehow.
‘Coffee?’
‘No, thank you.’
‘Tea?’
Wu Fan hesitated. ‘Sure.’
He felt suddenly awkward, like an intruder in the warm, cosy surroundings of Yixing’s apartment and a confrontation suddenly seemed rude and unnecessary. He stood in the middle of the living room until Yixing came out of the kitchen with tea, looking surprised to see him still standing, and motioning for him to sit down.
The two men settled in their seats and for a moment there was a heavy silence, which Yixing was the first time break with a directness that surprised Wu Fan a little. ‘Are you and Tao…’ the man seemed to hesitate as if unsure what term to use. ‘I mean, when you introduced me and you said he was a school friend, was that…?’
‘I was lying.’
‘Oh.’
The unease was palpable. Wu Fan didn’t know what to do to make it any easier. ‘Did he approach you?’ he asked finally, forcing the question, the words sour on his tongue. He still couldn’t find a reasonable reason for him to be jealous, since Tao had always made it clear there was no serious relationship between them and Wu Fan had continued to go along with him despite this fact.
‘He did. At a bar when I was having a drink alone to wind down after work.’ Yixing sat in the armchair opposite him but he looked far from relaxed, back straight, knees pressed together and cup clasped tight between his hands in his lap. ‘He recognised me from when I ran into you two at work. We talked.’
‘Really?’ talking didn’t seem like Tao’s style, unless it was dirty promises whispered into a lover’s ear.
Yixing hesitated. ‘Wu Fan, before I say anything more I’d like to know what’s going on.’
‘I can’t… I can’t tell you the whole story. Not unless he’s already shared some details. But we’re… we’re involved. Sort of. And after I said something he didn’t like he began to avoid me and I’ve been trying to find him. He didn’t… tell you that?’
Yixing’s lips pursed thoughtfully and he nodded. ‘He did, and I just wanted to see if your side of it matched with what he said.’
It was at that point that Wu Fan began to think that Yixing was perhaps not as meek and innocent as he appeared. He had pulled that little trick off effortlessly. ‘Is that right?’ he said with careful self-restraint. ‘And what else has he told you?’ The real, burning question he wanted to ask was if you knew, why would you be with him…?
But really, he already knew the answer. You couldn’t say no to Tao. Rather, he wouldn't take no for an answer.
‘Look, I’m genuinely sorry if I’ve hurt you with this.’ Yixing had gone on to say. ‘But you have to understand, I didn’t go looking for him-he found me, which made me think, you know, that you two were…’
‘…done.’ Wu Fan finished flatly for him. ‘Yeah. I get it.’
They sank back into an uneasy silence, both men staring glumly into their drinks. There wasn't really anything either of them could think to say that was going to make the situation any less awkward, and Wu Fan regretted even coming. The only thing that he had achieved was to make himself feel kind of like an asshole for directing his anger at someone who didn't deserve it. He was about to pull together some semblance of an apology before excusing himself, when the silence was broken.
‘What a sombre atmosphere.’
The voice was silky smooth, familiar and so sudden and out of place that both men shot up from their seats, Yixing hissing as hot tea slopped over the edge of his mug and into his lap.
Wu Fan felt a rush of mixed emotion as he recognised the dark shape in the doorway of Yixing’s bedroom, lounging relaxed against the frame. He wanted to be angry, but all he felt was overwhelming relief as Tao gave him a very deliberate, impassive look-over.
Yixing did not ask how Tao had gotten in or what he was doing there, instead he just sat shakily back in his seat and in that moment Wu Fan realised that Yixing knew just as much as he did about Tao. It bothered him that the man had strung him along with half-answers and vague questions but then, he supposed, he had been doing the same thing.
He breathed Tao’s name as the other moved from the doorway to stand close in front of him, so close that Wu Fan caught the scent of his cologne again, the scent that Tao sometimes left behind on his pillow, the scent Wu Fan would never admit he clung to like a lifeline and breathed in long after Tao had left him for the night. He felt, with a startled realisation, a pain inside of him that he could attribute to nothing but heartache.
He kept his expression carefully stoic.
‘What am I going to do with you?’ Tao murmured, eyes half-lidded as he raised a hand and touched a fingertip to Wu Fan’s chin. The man swallowed involuntarily and his lips parted as if to answer, but he couldn’t find the words.
Then Tao was turning away and moving to where Yixing sat, perching beside him on the armrest and sliding a hand along the other’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze that made Wu Fan’s eyes narrow and his stomach twist with jealousy. Despite the discomfort showing on Yixing’s face at the situation he’d found himself in, he leaned almost automatically into the touch.
‘I was waiting for Yixing to come home. I wasn’t expecting guests.’ Tao said coolly as his fingers idly rubbed at Yixing’s shoulder.
‘Liar.’ Wu Fan accused, his hands curling into fists at his sides. ‘You knew perfectly well I was coming.’
'True.' Tao’s eyes sparkled with mischief as his hand slid from Yixing’s shoulder to the back of his neck instead, his thumb rubbing in slow circles against the nape which pulled a soft, involuntary sound from Yixing. Glancing down, Tao smiled. ‘His neck is so sensitive.’
‘I didn’t ask.’ Wu Fan said through gritted teeth.
‘Hm, and so are you, apparently.’ Tao stopped rubbing but didn’t move his hand from Yixing’s neck. The other looked both relieved and a little disappointed, but at the same time he also found the willpower to stand up from his seat and mutter about washing the tea mugs before making a hasty retreat to the kitchen. Tao let him go, although the smile that had been teasing the corners of his lips faded as he watched him walk away.
When he looked back across to Wu Fan, the traces of mischief had all but disappeared. He looked grim and-though Wu Fan doubted Tao would ever admit it-tired.
‘What are you doing?’ Wu Fan was a little proud that he could keep his tone even and somewhat aloof.
‘Not what you think.’ Tao replied shortly, sliding off the armchair and stretching, before slowly pacing the room with his gaze cast down. ‘I’m stalling while I figure out how I can get myself out of this mess called Wu Yi Fan.’ He glanced up, eyes dark. The words could have been taunting but his tone was flat and serious. ‘But I still need to eat, and your friend was willing.’
It was a crude way of putting it, and it hurt to hear, but surprisingly Wu Fan couldn’t find any trace of the anger that had been boiling inside of him when it had just been him and Yixing in the room. ‘Is it really such a bad thing, that you have to take this long to consider it?’ he protested.
‘Being around me on a more permanent basis would be like you wilfully ingesting a slow-acting poison over an extended period of time so, yes, it’s a pretty bad thing.’
‘But that aside,’ Wu Fan insisted stubbornly. ‘If it weren’t an issue, would you stay…?’
Tao replied, although he hesitated for the briefest moment. ‘But it is an issue.’
They were still standing with a significant distance between each other. Wu Fan wanted to approach him but he was afraid he would lose the tiny glimmer of hope that Tao’s hesitation had sparked in him if Tao moved away. ‘And if I could find a way around it. What about then? I want… I want to actually get to know you. Beyond these stupid, shallow games we keep playing.’ Suddenly it was like the dam had broken, all the words flowing out of him. ‘You’re elusive, and I’m shit at explaining what I actually want because I’ve gone for years keeping to myself. That’s a pretty terrible combination and it’s not going to get either of us anywhere. So just… come home with me, would you? And instead of this pointless back-and-forth, let’s just talk. Properly talk.’
Tao seemed at a loss for words but he carefully considered the other’s words drawing his arms up to cross almost defensively over his chest. ‘If we talk, and we don’t come to some kind of reasonable conclusion… you’ll give up, won’t you?’
‘…Yeah.’ He didn’t want to, but it was fair.
Tao no longer looked to him like the sultry and seductive creature who had approached him in a nightclub what seemed like eons ago. He was still beautiful, still elegant, but he no longer dripped confidence and sarcasm-in fact, it was a relief for Wu Fan to see that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t really know what he wanted or what he was doing. They were both treading on unfamiliar territory.
‘Do you two want to show yourselves out, maybe?’
Both men started, turning to see Yixing in the doorway leading to the kitchen with another steaming mug in his hands. His expression was unreadable, carefully controlled.
Wu Fan was ready to apologise for the intrusion but before he could, Tao was already moving towards Yixing. The man tensed but didn’t withdraw as Tao slung his arms loosely around Yixing’s neck, leaning in close to brush his lips over the other’s ear. Wu Fan saw the whisper but couldn’t hear it or read it on Tao’s lips-whatever it was, Yixing seemed to relax slightly, shoulders slumping a little as he cast his gaze down, giving Tao a barely perceptible nod of assent. Wu Fan ignored his curiosity as Tao withdrew from Yixing, instead silently trailing after the man as he headed to the door.
Hesitating before he left, he turned to face his co-worker. ‘I’m really sorry about all this.’ He said honestly. ‘Can we talk later?’
For a moment the neutral expression slipped as Yixing’s lips pressed a little more tightly together and his knuckles whitened as his grip on his mug tightened slightly.
‘I think I’d really rather we didn’t.’
Rating: NC17
Fandom: EXO
Pairing: Tao/Kris
Length: 6.7k
[ previous chapter]
When he woke up the following morning he was in his bed. He didn't remember at what point he'd fallen asleep, and he certainly didn't know how he had gotten there from his place on the couch. The space beside him, a space which was rarely filled normally, felt unusually cold and empty now and Wu Fan rolled over onto his side to face it with a quiet sigh.
This is what I signed up for, and I knew it, he thought to himself. I only have myself to blame.
-
It was the beginning of a sort of routine.
Tao would visit at random; usually when Kris began missing him and the youth was on his mind more. Sometimes though, Kris was distracted by office deadlines and was sure he hadn't thought of the other at all when he came home to find Tao there. He certainly never complained about the other's unexpected company, especially not when he sometimes found Tao already naked in his bedroom, waiting for him.
This happened every few days, usually once or twice a week, and Wu Fan was almost certain that he was only growing more and more addicted to the way Tao made him feel when they were together. Tao did not repeat the intimacy of that first night since their reunion; instead, he treated Wu Fan as a plaything, handling him as if he were there solely for Tao's pleasure.
Wu Fan didn't mind... after all, it wasn't entirely untrue. The thrills of excitement he felt as he lay bruised and defeated on the floor, Tao's heavy boot pressing down on his throat hard enough to restrict his breathing, were telling enough.
Every morning after he'd spent a night with Tao he felt exhausted-sometimes after a particularly intense session he actually felt a bit sick-but it usually took him only another decent night's sleep to recover, although the various bruises and scrapes took a little longer than that.
So he noticed something wasn't quite right when he began to sleep through his alarm almost every other day.
Usually it happened directly after an evening spent in Tao's company; sometimes he woke up just in time to rush around getting ready and still make it to work in time, but today he had woken up fifteen minutes after the working day had already begun so he simply lay in bed staring at his clock and wishing he could just close his eyes again and go back to sleep.
However, Wu Fan had a reputation to uphold in the office... and coming in to work late was not conducive to maintaining that reputation. Today he didn't have a choice; he would have to come in late, or not at all.
Wu Fan settled on late. There was far too much work to be done to take a random day off.
He ran excuses through his head as he showered and brushed his teeth, glaring at his reflection in the mirror. Whatever reason he gave, it definitely wouldn't be that he'd slept in. I'm unwell, he tried first, as he spat toothpaste into the sink. No... I had an appointment to attend first thing this morning. Rinsing out his mouth, he sighed at his reflection and absently ran his fingertips along the dark shadows beneath his eyes. An important appointment I couldn't miss. A meeting.
He grimaced and wondered if perhaps he shouldn't simply use the illness excuse; he didn't look well. He wondered if the gauntness to his cheeks was a trick of the light, if the darkness under his eyes wasn't just due to the fluorescent lighting overheard. He didn't feel sick, only tired, and he blamed that on the late wake-up.
Running mechanically through his morning routine, Wu Fan cast a glance towards his bed as he left the bathroom, his gaze seeking out patterns in the wrinkled sheets.
Wishfully seeking the shape of another. Not finding it, of course.
Just once, he thought bitterly to himself, it wouldn't hurt him to stay just once, surely.
He made the bed, pulling the sheets taut and folding them carefully, straightening the wrinkles that told a story he didn't want to think about; that he was alone. That even with the companionship he'd so desperately chased down and tried to claim, he was ultimately still very alone. Tao visited when he chose to. When he wasn't around, Wu Fan had no way of contacting him, no way of finding him. All he could to was to hold onto Tao when the man came to him and hope desperately that the other wouldn't slip away.
And still every night that they were together, Tao vanished the moment Wu Fan fell asleep.
Smoothing down sheets with one last sweep of his hand, Wu Fan was finally satisfied and headed out to the living room.
His limbs felt heavier than usual as he moved around and he wondered idly if he really wasn't developing some sort of flu. His head swam and a flu would explain the exhaustion he felt and the heaviness in his limbs, even though he hadn't done anything out of the ordinary for a few days-even then the only exhausting activity had been Tao's company, from which he was sure he'd already recovered.
Deciding that ignoring it for the moment was the best course of action, Wu Fan had breakfast and a strong cup of coffee and was pleased when both made him feel significantly less weary. Popping a couple of painkillers as a precaution against any potential discomfort for the rest of the morning, he buttoned his shirt, fixed his tie neatly in place and stepped into his car to drive to work.
By the time he arrived at work the simple exhaustion had developed into nausea and the morning sunshine had given him a headache. The alarm in Yixing's eyes when Wu Fan walked into the office was unmistakeable.
'Oh my god, are you alright?' he stood a few feet from the older man, hands slightly raised as if he'd been about to walk over and touch Wu Fan before thinking the better of it. 'You look like death warmed over. Did something happen?'
Wu Fan didn't have the energy to glare at him, he simply muttered 'meeting' as he walked past, which was a far cry from the elaborate lie he'd spun in his head to explain why he was late to anyone who asked. Yixing looked like he wanted to say more but Wu Fan didn't give him the opportunity, moving away from him and going to take a seat in his chair in a posture that clearly stated; talk to me for any reason besides work and I will kill you.
Needless to say, no one approached. But from across the office, he felt Yixing's concerned gaze on him and he fumed about it.
The work day dragged and Wu Fan only grew grumpier with every passing minute; it seemed like everything was conspiring against him that day. His computer seized up twice and lost him a lot of work progress and it took everything he had not to fling his full coffee mug at the screen.
While his co-workers were often afraid of his scowl, Wu Fan took pride in keeping his composure and his temper in check. He did not like feeling like he was losing that control.
He was beginning to feel quite ill again and was seriously contemplating going home. Downing the last of his coffee, he shot his computer one last irritated look before he began slowly gathering his things, considering how he'd word his excuse for having to leave since it was only the middle of the afternoon.
'I'd like to see Wu Fan, if you could please let him know I'm here. I'm a friend.'
Looking up sharply at the sound of the voice, familiar even as a murmur at a distance, Wu Fan wasn't quite sure he believed what he was seeing at first; at the reception desk stood Tao, dressed all in black yet again, demure smile on his face. As the receptionist offered him a polite smile and nod, picking up her phone to call Wu Fan's extension, Tao's eyes lifted and met Wu Fan's across the open office.
Wu Fan felt frozen in place, panic rising in his chest as he glanced around quickly at his co-workers. No one seemed to have noticed Tao, or if they had they paid him no mind. Behind him his phone buzzed with the internal call from the reception desk and he ignored it, taking long strides through the maze of cubicles in Tao's direction.
He seized the other's arm when he was close enough and kept walking, yanking Tao away from the front desk and dragging him towards the elevator, ignoring the receptionist's startled look. Tao on the other hand didn't seem disturbed by this, he even chuckled as if he'd been expecting it.
'What are you doing at my work?' Wu Fan tried hard to keep the distress out of his voice. It was surreal seeing Tao in this environment; in his home or at the club Tao felt like an indulgent fantasy, like some secret Wu Fan had all to himself. Seeing him in his office was jarring and something that-Wu Fan realised now-he didn't want. Not at all.
'I wanted to see you in your natural habitat. I'd almost think you weren't pleased to see me, Wu Fan.' there was laughter in Tao's tone and it only stirred up Wu Fan's temper even more.
He rounded on him. 'Why are you here?'
'Hmm, I almost like this side of you. This is professional Wu Fan... the in-charge Wu Fan.' Tao reached forward and traced the edge of Wu Fan's jacket lapel with finger and thumb, smoothing an imaginary crease. 'It's refreshing. You should show it to me at home a bit more.'
'Quit it.' he hissed, smacking the other's arm aside.
Tao's eyes narrowed and the smile flickered away. 'Oh I see, so it's perfectly okay for me to come by when you're feeling an urge and won't stop thinking of me fucking you until you beg, but it's inconvenient for me to come by any other time?' he stepped in closer, leaning right in to the other's face. 'I am not your fucking call-boy, do you understand me?' his eyes flashed dangerously and Wu Fan's throat closed over momentarily as he recalled in quick succession each of the times he had seen that look before. 'I don't just show up when it suits you. I came for a reason.'
'Is... is everything okay here?'
Both men turned sharply to find Yixing standing a few feet away, coffee in hand, looking from one to the other and obviously more than a little concerned. They hadn't noticed the elevator doors opening and he had stepped out almost directly into their confrontation.
Wu Fan's panic flared up again briefly and he stepped away from Tao, placing himself between the two others as he forced a smile. 'It's nothing, Yixing. He's just...' he faltered briefly, usually calm thoughts disrupted by Tao's sudden presence. 'Someone I knew from school. He was just leaving.'
Calmly, Tao pushed him aside and stepped in towards Yixing, offering a hand and a charming smile. 'Zitao. You can call me Tao though, almost everyone does.'
Yixing seemed uncertain still, as he eyes Tao and then Wu Fan, but he clasped Tao's hand in his own nonetheless. Tao held on a bit longer than necessary, and Yixing looked a little nervous. 'It's... nice to meet you. A school friend of Wu Fan's? I don't think he's ever mentioned you.'
'Because I don't discuss my personal life at the office.' Wu Fan said through gritted teeth. 'When have you heard me mention anyone?'
Yixing seemed a little put off by the tone; he frowned up at his co-worker and seemed somewhat at a loss as to what to say. 'Well. Sorry.' he offered Tao a tight-lipped smile and a slight nod, but simply cast a flat stare in Wu Fan's direction. 'I'll leave you guys to it. I'm sorry I, uh... interrupted.'
With that he carefully side-stepped around them and headed back in to the main office. Tao watched him go and seemed thoughtful, tongue poking slightly out from the corner of his mouth as he seemed to consider something. Slowly turning to face Wu Fan again, he gave him a measured stare.
'He sure likes you. A lot.'
'What? No.'
'Are you thick? You shouldn't even need my abilities to be able to read that on him. Unless you just don't want him and you're choosing to ignore it?'
'I-what?!'
'Well aren't you articulate today.'
'Look, just... get out. I don't have time to deal with this right now.' Wu Fan waved a hand towards the elevator and turned away to head back to the office.
'Feeling a bit weary today?' Tao's tone carried tension, and none of the sarcasm that might easily have been behind those words. 'A bit ill?'
Wu Fan froze. Squaring his shoulders, he turned slowly to face the other again. 'What are you talking about?'
Exhaling sharply and crossing his arms over his chest, Tao looked away. 'I can tell. You look sick, and you're walking like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. Did you throw up this morning?'
'No.'
Tao looked up again, meeting his gaze and searching it for a lie. He seemed satisfied when he couldn't find out. 'Well that's... promising, I suppose. But even so...'
Wu Fan uttered a strangled sound of frustration and presses the heels of his hands against his eyes for a moment as he tried to regain some of the patience he was swiftly losing. 'Zitao, what are you doing here.'
'You're fighting a losing battle. A battle that I told you from the very beginning that you were losing. You're giving me too much.' Tao's tone was level, but his lips pursed briefly and something flickered in the depths of his eyes. Wu Fan didn't know what to make of it. 'Even though I keep telling you it's a bad idea, you insist. And now you're sick. You're going to keep getting sicker if this keeps up, do you understand?'
Wu Fan shook his head. 'I'm tired, that's all it is. Or, you know, maybe I am sick-I'm not superhuman like you, I'm probably coming down with something. That isn't unusual, Zitao... it happens. When we...' he trailed off and looked around for any co-workers that were within earshot, but didn't see any. '...I'm always fine a few days after. I rest and I'm always fine. Sleeping more helps a lot.'
Tao was staring at him with something like disbelief. 'I knew it. You don't understand the gravity of your situation at all, I'm trying to tell you that you are killing yourself and you're trying to blow me off, you are either a lot stupider than I give you credit for or you're mad. We haven't seen one another for nearly a week, if there was nothing wrong then you shouldn't be feeling tired or sick at all.'
'Zitao I'm not going to do this here. Not at my work, okay? I don't know why you thought it would be a good idea to turn up here, or why you thought it was a good time to bring this up-again-but I just...' Wu Fan moved over to him, resting his hands on Tao's shoulders while the other impassively met his gaze. 'Please don't worry. Let me take care of myself.'
'You're an idiot.' Tao replied flatly.
'We can discuss this properly tonight, if you really want. You can come over or we could meet somewhere...'
'You are a fucking idiot.'
Wu Fan wished it were as simple as that. Tao's words stung but he had no way of arguing his side of things without going into emotional territory that he wasn't ready to face, that he wasn't sure he'd ever be quite ready to face. 'Please.' his hands slid down from Tao's shoulders to his upper arms, giving them a reassuring squeeze. 'Come by tonight. We can talk properly.'
Tao uttered a short, bitter laugh and shrugged him off. He didn't reply, stepping into an elevator that had opened up and not casting even a glance back at Wu Fan before the doors closed.
-
Tao did not visit that night.
Wu Fan waited up late for him, and then prepared for bed in the hope the other would turn up after he fell asleep, but even though he thought hard about the other, right up until he dozed off, Tao did not show up.
Tao did not show up the next night either, or the remainder of the week. Wu Fan tried to think nothing of it, as it wasn't the longest he'd gone without the other's company, but their last conversation had left him feeling uneasy. He tried not to entertain the fact that it might have been the last time he'd ever see Tao.
He tried not to think of the other's needs, tried not to think about the fact that if Tao wasn't with Wu Fan then he was probably with someone else, satisfying his appetite. Of course the more he tried not to think about it, the more it plagued him.
His physical health improved slightly-his mental health not so much. He began to find himself distracted, catching himself daydreaming at his desk more times than he actually spent being productive. He spent ages at night trying to fall asleep, tossing and turning for hours before exhaustion settled into his system and dragged his painfully active mind under. Still, Tao did not come.
Another two weeks went by like this.
Wu Fan returned to the bar. It was honestly the last place he had wanted to go, he wanted it to be nothing more than an absolute last resort, and the fact he was turning to his last resort this soon appalled him. He felt as if he'd lost any and all of the progress he had made in the nearly twelve weeks since he had found Tao in the bar for their second encounter, and he knew he probably deserved it.
Minseok, ever the gracious bartender, did not ask questions. He took one look at the other's drawn face and served him a drink silently, but when the time came to cut him off he did so, firmly but kindly, and sent Wu Fan home.
Again Tao did not come. Wu Fan wished there were some way of letting him know that he really didn't have to worry about using too much of Wu Fan's energy, or of killing him, because as it turned out it seemed that without Tao around it was having just about the same kind of effect on the businessman anyway. People who knew him would have called him a shell of the man he'd once was-that is, if he ever left the house and saw anyone outside of business hours these days.
Yixing stopped asking what was wrong after the fifth non-answer from Wu Fan and not long after didn't even stop by his desk anymore on the odd occasion to check on him. Wu Fan barely noticed. He was forced to notice that he wasn't getting away with it, though, when he was called into the company director's office.
‘Look,’ his boss was saying sympathetically when Wu Fan managed to gather enough concentration to actually listen to him, ‘I know you’re a hard worker, but even you’re bound to get sick sometimes. You’ve got a huge amount of accrued leave… take it. Have a rest. You’re not the only one, Yixing’s sick too to I think it’s going around. I might send him home as well. Neither of you are doing anyone any good by coming in and spreading whatever it is around.’ His boss wasn’t particularly good at being sympathetic but the general concern for Wu Fan’s health was there.
Wu Fan scowled, resisting the urge to snipe at his boss that he doubted Yixing had the same problem as him and a few days rest weren’t going to fix his issue, but he knew that wouldn’t exactly improve his situation. He also didn’t really have the energy to argue and instead settled it with a curt ‘Yes, sir.’ Before standing and bowing politely. ‘Thank you, sir.’ He added as an afterthought and left the office.
Inwardly, he was fuming. It had nothing to do with his boss, or the leave he was being forced to take-rather, he was angry at himself for letting his pining for Tao become an actual, consuming disease noticeable enough for other people to want to get involved. This was not healthy, a relationship where one person was addicted to another person who did not reciprocate was just not healthy, but no amount of rationalising was making it any easier for him to forget that Tao existed.
He stuck his head back into his boss’ office. ‘May I leave right this instant?’
A nod was all he needed, heading back to his desk to grab his things. On his way there he passed by Yixing, who seemed to shrink a little in his seat and turn away from him. The unusual behaviour from the normally open, kind man made Wu Fan pause mid-step before he dismissed it and continued on his way. Yixing didn’t look well, as his boss had said; the young man’s face was pale, dark circles around his eyes as if he hadn’t slept for days.
Wu Fan paused again-this time in the middle of putting his paperwork back into his briefcase so he could work on it at home-and glanced over his shoulder back at the other man. He was just in time to catch Yixing peering at him over the top of his cubicle wall before he hurriedly ducked out of sight when Wu Fan caught him.
…I know that look, Wu Fan thought as paranoia and suspicion began to wind its tendrils uncomfortably around his insides. I see it in the mirror sometimes, right after-
Three long strides took him back over to Yixing’s desk and he leaned over the flimsy cubicle partition to give the other the full effect of his glower. ‘Yixing.’
Yixing actually flinched at the sound of his name before he gave Wu Fan a tired smile. ‘Wu Fan,’ he responded amiably, but his eyes darted, not quite able to hold the man’s gaze. ‘You’re going home?’
Wu Fan studied him carefully, taking note of the pallor of Yixing’s normally glowing skin and the dullness in usually bright eyes. He looked like he’d lost weight, too, his cheeks seeming a little more sunken than the last time Wu Fan had properly looked at him, the usually pronounced dimple in Yixing’s cheek barely noticeable now. ‘Yixing,’ he said again, keeping his voice low. ‘You don’t look well. Maybe you should be going home too.’
Yixing was often a difficult man to read because he was very good at keeping his expression neutral, however it wasn't hard to see that Wu Fan's close proximity was making him very uncomfortable. He shifted on his seat and wiped his palms against his thighs, gaze flicking up momentarily to meet Wu Fan's as he nodded. 'Maybe I will. I'm... I'm not sure yet.'
In all honesty, Wu Fan didn't know Yixing that well, past the fact that they worked together and that Yixing made it his business to offer tea to him when he thought Wu Fan needed it. He didn't ever really seem to give any of the other office workers tea, which made Wu Fan think that perhaps the other really had been making a special effort to get a bit closer to his normally antisocial self. He almost felt bad for cornering him like this, but if he didn't confirm his suspicions now, he'd only keep thinking about it as he went mad by himself at home.
'Yixing, you remember my school friend who visited the other day. Tao?'
There was a barely perceivable twitch of one of the hands Yixing had resting in his lap and he gave a small nod. 'Yes.'
Wu Fan waited for more, but when that was the only thing offered up, he spoke again. 'He hasn't visited the office since, has he? At any point while I haven't been here.'
'No.' Yixing replied, his eyes clear now and staring up at Wu Fan with open honesty. 'Not once.'
Wu Fan held his gaze firmly, seeking a lie, feeling only a little bit guilty that he was intent on pinning this one on his co-worker. It was such a long stretch and, honestly, Yixing was a pretty sweet guy who never really seemed like he had anything to hide. It was just that the visible effects of whatever illness Yixing had seemed so strikingly similar to his own debilitations while at the mercy of Tao's vampirism that he was unwilling to let it go so easily.
'You've seen him since then though, haven't you?' he asked then, taking a chance, and the slight widening of Yixing's eyes was enough to answer his question.
Several emotions rolled through Wu Fan at once; understanding dawned, then was slapped out of the way by shock and after that he almost immediately felt his stomach roll sickeningly as he experienced a wave of jealousy and anger.
'Did he ask you to hide it from me?' he asked through gritted teeth, and now Yixing was beginning to look worried and a little upset.
'Wu Fan,' he leaned forward in his seat, voice low and strained. 'Can we not do this here, please?'
'Do you know where he is?'
What, he had wanted to say. Do you know what he is? But this was already escalating quickly enough without adding that to the mix. After all, if Yixing didn't know, then bringing it up was just going to make everything a hell of a lot more complicated than it already was. And why Yixing of all people? He was growing more angry with every passing second as the enormity of this set in. Sure, he had expected Tao would have gone to someone else in his absence, but why Yixing? Why the quiet, sweet co-worker who Tao had even said seemed to have a soft spot for Wu Fan despite the man's aloof behaviour?
He realised that Yixing had replied but that he'd been so caught up in his own unbridled emotion that he hadn't caught it. Yixing must have noticed him refocusing his attention because he repeated himself. 'I don't know where he is right now. He comes... I let him come when he pleases, Wu Fan I'm... I'm sorry.' the apology was hesitant; honest, but almost as if he wasn't sure what he was apologising for. He was beginning to realise there was something here he wasn't understanding, but as he didn't have the full story he could only guess the best method of fixing things.
'Where did you two meet? When?'
Yixing was beginning to look really distressed and glanced around at other cubicles nearby but the walls separating them made it impossible to tell if anyone was listening. 'Listen,' he said softly but urgently. 'Why don't... why don't you come over to my place and we'll talk about this properly, alright? Because I don't really understand what I've gotten myself into, here.'
No, Wu Fan thought grimly, some of the anger ebbing back to a dull throb rather than a burning rage. I don't think you know at all.
-
Yixing lived in a small one-bedroom apartment that probably could have fit in its entirety into Wu Fan's lounge area. On the way there, while he'd had a moment to compose himself in his car as he followed Yixing's modest little Suzuki through town, he'd begun to feel a bit guilty.
It was mainly for the way he'd cornered the other man. Yixing's startled, unsure expression kept haunting him as he quietly cursed Tao for even getting him involved in this. Whatever this was. And why Yixing, of all people? Tao could have swanned into any nightclub he wanted and taken his pick, but instead he'd gone for the quiet, diligent and thoughtful co-worker.
It made Wu Fan angry all over again when he realised Tao had probably chosen Yixing on purpose-he wanted to rile Wu Fan up, and a faceless stranger being the object of Tao’s affections just didn’t have the same effect as someone Wu Fan interacted with on a daily basis. Asshole. His own jealousy aside, Yixing didn’t deserve to be a pawn in Tao’s games. The man seemed nothing but kind and selfless and while Wu Fan was happy to deal with Tao's bullshit he didn't like the idea of Yixing having to.
Yixing led him up the stairs-‘the elevator is broken, sorry’-and unlocked his apartment door, nudging off his shoes as he stepped inside. Wu Fan followed his example and looked around curiously, momentarily forgetting the reason for his visit; the apartment was exactly what he’d expected, small but neat and somehow… cosy. It suited Yixing, somehow.
‘Coffee?’
‘No, thank you.’
‘Tea?’
Wu Fan hesitated. ‘Sure.’
He felt suddenly awkward, like an intruder in the warm, cosy surroundings of Yixing’s apartment and a confrontation suddenly seemed rude and unnecessary. He stood in the middle of the living room until Yixing came out of the kitchen with tea, looking surprised to see him still standing, and motioning for him to sit down.
The two men settled in their seats and for a moment there was a heavy silence, which Yixing was the first time break with a directness that surprised Wu Fan a little. ‘Are you and Tao…’ the man seemed to hesitate as if unsure what term to use. ‘I mean, when you introduced me and you said he was a school friend, was that…?’
‘I was lying.’
‘Oh.’
The unease was palpable. Wu Fan didn’t know what to do to make it any easier. ‘Did he approach you?’ he asked finally, forcing the question, the words sour on his tongue. He still couldn’t find a reasonable reason for him to be jealous, since Tao had always made it clear there was no serious relationship between them and Wu Fan had continued to go along with him despite this fact.
‘He did. At a bar when I was having a drink alone to wind down after work.’ Yixing sat in the armchair opposite him but he looked far from relaxed, back straight, knees pressed together and cup clasped tight between his hands in his lap. ‘He recognised me from when I ran into you two at work. We talked.’
‘Really?’ talking didn’t seem like Tao’s style, unless it was dirty promises whispered into a lover’s ear.
Yixing hesitated. ‘Wu Fan, before I say anything more I’d like to know what’s going on.’
‘I can’t… I can’t tell you the whole story. Not unless he’s already shared some details. But we’re… we’re involved. Sort of. And after I said something he didn’t like he began to avoid me and I’ve been trying to find him. He didn’t… tell you that?’
Yixing’s lips pursed thoughtfully and he nodded. ‘He did, and I just wanted to see if your side of it matched with what he said.’
It was at that point that Wu Fan began to think that Yixing was perhaps not as meek and innocent as he appeared. He had pulled that little trick off effortlessly. ‘Is that right?’ he said with careful self-restraint. ‘And what else has he told you?’ The real, burning question he wanted to ask was if you knew, why would you be with him…?
But really, he already knew the answer. You couldn’t say no to Tao. Rather, he wouldn't take no for an answer.
‘Look, I’m genuinely sorry if I’ve hurt you with this.’ Yixing had gone on to say. ‘But you have to understand, I didn’t go looking for him-he found me, which made me think, you know, that you two were…’
‘…done.’ Wu Fan finished flatly for him. ‘Yeah. I get it.’
They sank back into an uneasy silence, both men staring glumly into their drinks. There wasn't really anything either of them could think to say that was going to make the situation any less awkward, and Wu Fan regretted even coming. The only thing that he had achieved was to make himself feel kind of like an asshole for directing his anger at someone who didn't deserve it. He was about to pull together some semblance of an apology before excusing himself, when the silence was broken.
‘What a sombre atmosphere.’
The voice was silky smooth, familiar and so sudden and out of place that both men shot up from their seats, Yixing hissing as hot tea slopped over the edge of his mug and into his lap.
Wu Fan felt a rush of mixed emotion as he recognised the dark shape in the doorway of Yixing’s bedroom, lounging relaxed against the frame. He wanted to be angry, but all he felt was overwhelming relief as Tao gave him a very deliberate, impassive look-over.
Yixing did not ask how Tao had gotten in or what he was doing there, instead he just sat shakily back in his seat and in that moment Wu Fan realised that Yixing knew just as much as he did about Tao. It bothered him that the man had strung him along with half-answers and vague questions but then, he supposed, he had been doing the same thing.
He breathed Tao’s name as the other moved from the doorway to stand close in front of him, so close that Wu Fan caught the scent of his cologne again, the scent that Tao sometimes left behind on his pillow, the scent Wu Fan would never admit he clung to like a lifeline and breathed in long after Tao had left him for the night. He felt, with a startled realisation, a pain inside of him that he could attribute to nothing but heartache.
He kept his expression carefully stoic.
‘What am I going to do with you?’ Tao murmured, eyes half-lidded as he raised a hand and touched a fingertip to Wu Fan’s chin. The man swallowed involuntarily and his lips parted as if to answer, but he couldn’t find the words.
Then Tao was turning away and moving to where Yixing sat, perching beside him on the armrest and sliding a hand along the other’s shoulder, giving it a squeeze that made Wu Fan’s eyes narrow and his stomach twist with jealousy. Despite the discomfort showing on Yixing’s face at the situation he’d found himself in, he leaned almost automatically into the touch.
‘I was waiting for Yixing to come home. I wasn’t expecting guests.’ Tao said coolly as his fingers idly rubbed at Yixing’s shoulder.
‘Liar.’ Wu Fan accused, his hands curling into fists at his sides. ‘You knew perfectly well I was coming.’
'True.' Tao’s eyes sparkled with mischief as his hand slid from Yixing’s shoulder to the back of his neck instead, his thumb rubbing in slow circles against the nape which pulled a soft, involuntary sound from Yixing. Glancing down, Tao smiled. ‘His neck is so sensitive.’
‘I didn’t ask.’ Wu Fan said through gritted teeth.
‘Hm, and so are you, apparently.’ Tao stopped rubbing but didn’t move his hand from Yixing’s neck. The other looked both relieved and a little disappointed, but at the same time he also found the willpower to stand up from his seat and mutter about washing the tea mugs before making a hasty retreat to the kitchen. Tao let him go, although the smile that had been teasing the corners of his lips faded as he watched him walk away.
When he looked back across to Wu Fan, the traces of mischief had all but disappeared. He looked grim and-though Wu Fan doubted Tao would ever admit it-tired.
‘What are you doing?’ Wu Fan was a little proud that he could keep his tone even and somewhat aloof.
‘Not what you think.’ Tao replied shortly, sliding off the armchair and stretching, before slowly pacing the room with his gaze cast down. ‘I’m stalling while I figure out how I can get myself out of this mess called Wu Yi Fan.’ He glanced up, eyes dark. The words could have been taunting but his tone was flat and serious. ‘But I still need to eat, and your friend was willing.’
It was a crude way of putting it, and it hurt to hear, but surprisingly Wu Fan couldn’t find any trace of the anger that had been boiling inside of him when it had just been him and Yixing in the room. ‘Is it really such a bad thing, that you have to take this long to consider it?’ he protested.
‘Being around me on a more permanent basis would be like you wilfully ingesting a slow-acting poison over an extended period of time so, yes, it’s a pretty bad thing.’
‘But that aside,’ Wu Fan insisted stubbornly. ‘If it weren’t an issue, would you stay…?’
Tao replied, although he hesitated for the briefest moment. ‘But it is an issue.’
They were still standing with a significant distance between each other. Wu Fan wanted to approach him but he was afraid he would lose the tiny glimmer of hope that Tao’s hesitation had sparked in him if Tao moved away. ‘And if I could find a way around it. What about then? I want… I want to actually get to know you. Beyond these stupid, shallow games we keep playing.’ Suddenly it was like the dam had broken, all the words flowing out of him. ‘You’re elusive, and I’m shit at explaining what I actually want because I’ve gone for years keeping to myself. That’s a pretty terrible combination and it’s not going to get either of us anywhere. So just… come home with me, would you? And instead of this pointless back-and-forth, let’s just talk. Properly talk.’
Tao seemed at a loss for words but he carefully considered the other’s words drawing his arms up to cross almost defensively over his chest. ‘If we talk, and we don’t come to some kind of reasonable conclusion… you’ll give up, won’t you?’
‘…Yeah.’ He didn’t want to, but it was fair.
Tao no longer looked to him like the sultry and seductive creature who had approached him in a nightclub what seemed like eons ago. He was still beautiful, still elegant, but he no longer dripped confidence and sarcasm-in fact, it was a relief for Wu Fan to see that he wasn’t the only one who didn’t really know what he wanted or what he was doing. They were both treading on unfamiliar territory.
‘Do you two want to show yourselves out, maybe?’
Both men started, turning to see Yixing in the doorway leading to the kitchen with another steaming mug in his hands. His expression was unreadable, carefully controlled.
Wu Fan was ready to apologise for the intrusion but before he could, Tao was already moving towards Yixing. The man tensed but didn’t withdraw as Tao slung his arms loosely around Yixing’s neck, leaning in close to brush his lips over the other’s ear. Wu Fan saw the whisper but couldn’t hear it or read it on Tao’s lips-whatever it was, Yixing seemed to relax slightly, shoulders slumping a little as he cast his gaze down, giving Tao a barely perceptible nod of assent. Wu Fan ignored his curiosity as Tao withdrew from Yixing, instead silently trailing after the man as he headed to the door.
Hesitating before he left, he turned to face his co-worker. ‘I’m really sorry about all this.’ He said honestly. ‘Can we talk later?’
For a moment the neutral expression slipped as Yixing’s lips pressed a little more tightly together and his knuckles whitened as his grip on his mug tightened slightly.
‘I think I’d really rather we didn’t.’