My Life AS...
"I need to silence my most reliable way of gathering, processing, and expressing information, I need to put more effort into controlling and deadening and reducing and removing myself second-by-second than you could ever even conceive, I need to have quiet hands, because until I move 97% of the way in your direction you can’t even see that’s there’s a 3% for you to move towards me."
https://juststimming.wordpress.com/
God, nearly everything this woman writes could have come out of me. I wonder, I wonder...what would life have been like if I had been around accepting parents who tried to understand instead of beating the living crap out of me? I sometimes think my sister might understand more than she says, but she was as busy dodging the mindfucks and manipulation as I was...but she does work with autistic children within the public school system. She's one of their 'navigators' to take a student one-on-one throughout the school day and to keep them on track and calm.
On track and calm. Geez; I've learnt a good mimicry of that, but I'm sure I don't really know what that is, any more than I understand it when someone criticises me and growls, "Watch your tone!" (My tone? What I said was a matter-of-fact statement about a truth which had no personal reflection on either of us, so why are you getting so angry at me?) or decides I am "freaking out" when I am explaining how odd something strikes me as being.
Arguing that you're NOT "freaking out" or that your statement wasn't "pointed" or "directed" or "had ulterior meanings" doesn't seem to do a thing; people will not listen to those statements. I don't know how many times I have had to correct people, telling them that it's much too hard to lie or to have ulterior motives and that "what I said" is basic and all there is; it's just whatever it is.
You cannot imagine the horror of saying "I like this blue piece of paper" and you encounter someone who will start shouting and insist you're somehow offending or insulting them by that comment and they'll offer counter-productive and countering comments such as: "Oh, so you HATE my pink paper, do you?!?!?!?" (What? Your PINK paper? I never said a word about your pink paper.) "And now you're accusing me of pink paperism! I am utterly OFFENDED and PISSED OFF you would do that!" (What?!?!? NO! I never said ANYTHING like that! All I said was I liked the blue piece of paper, but never ANYTHING about YOU or other paper or even the colour PINK, much less whatever-it-is-about-pink that's upset you! What the hell is happening?!?!? Why are you yelling at me??????)
That sounds stupid, but this is a common conversation I have with people, but go ahead and insert any sort of innocuous subject into the place of "pink paper" and then imaging trying to explain to someone becoming a virago or shouty person that your non-personal, non-directed, non-emotional, and certainly NON-insulting comment was nothing like all these new things these people are pouring over your head. Sometimes, I just want to cry, because it's overwhelming and I do not understand why "I" am the wrongdoer in these situations, because I am not the one flying off the handle or getting louder and louder and louder or accusing the other person of anything. Why does that happen? Why am "I" the one with the mental handicap?
Sometimes I just want to die and not have to deal with anyone else that doesn't seem to have any ability to remain rational or unemotional about conversations. I'd like to just STOP. I'm tired of explaining and explaining and RE-explaining. I'm just sick of it.
While I was grateful to finally have the Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis that would "explain" me to people beyond the "high-functioning autistic" diagnosis I'd had for so long, I still don't understand why I'm in the crosshairs of other people's bad days, misperceptions, and even just pure illogic.
Really, I just want to die and STOP having to do this.
https://juststimming.wordpress.com/
God, nearly everything this woman writes could have come out of me. I wonder, I wonder...what would life have been like if I had been around accepting parents who tried to understand instead of beating the living crap out of me? I sometimes think my sister might understand more than she says, but she was as busy dodging the mindfucks and manipulation as I was...but she does work with autistic children within the public school system. She's one of their 'navigators' to take a student one-on-one throughout the school day and to keep them on track and calm.
On track and calm. Geez; I've learnt a good mimicry of that, but I'm sure I don't really know what that is, any more than I understand it when someone criticises me and growls, "Watch your tone!" (My tone? What I said was a matter-of-fact statement about a truth which had no personal reflection on either of us, so why are you getting so angry at me?) or decides I am "freaking out" when I am explaining how odd something strikes me as being.
Arguing that you're NOT "freaking out" or that your statement wasn't "pointed" or "directed" or "had ulterior meanings" doesn't seem to do a thing; people will not listen to those statements. I don't know how many times I have had to correct people, telling them that it's much too hard to lie or to have ulterior motives and that "what I said" is basic and all there is; it's just whatever it is.
You cannot imagine the horror of saying "I like this blue piece of paper" and you encounter someone who will start shouting and insist you're somehow offending or insulting them by that comment and they'll offer counter-productive and countering comments such as: "Oh, so you HATE my pink paper, do you?!?!?!?" (What? Your PINK paper? I never said a word about your pink paper.) "And now you're accusing me of pink paperism! I am utterly OFFENDED and PISSED OFF you would do that!" (What?!?!? NO! I never said ANYTHING like that! All I said was I liked the blue piece of paper, but never ANYTHING about YOU or other paper or even the colour PINK, much less whatever-it-is-about-pink that's upset you! What the hell is happening?!?!? Why are you yelling at me??????)
That sounds stupid, but this is a common conversation I have with people, but go ahead and insert any sort of innocuous subject into the place of "pink paper" and then imaging trying to explain to someone becoming a virago or shouty person that your non-personal, non-directed, non-emotional, and certainly NON-insulting comment was nothing like all these new things these people are pouring over your head. Sometimes, I just want to cry, because it's overwhelming and I do not understand why "I" am the wrongdoer in these situations, because I am not the one flying off the handle or getting louder and louder and louder or accusing the other person of anything. Why does that happen? Why am "I" the one with the mental handicap?
Sometimes I just want to die and not have to deal with anyone else that doesn't seem to have any ability to remain rational or unemotional about conversations. I'd like to just STOP. I'm tired of explaining and explaining and RE-explaining. I'm just sick of it.
While I was grateful to finally have the Asperger's Syndrome diagnosis that would "explain" me to people beyond the "high-functioning autistic" diagnosis I'd had for so long, I still don't understand why I'm in the crosshairs of other people's bad days, misperceptions, and even just pure illogic.
Really, I just want to die and STOP having to do this.