The Devil You Know Is The Only One [Boring Personal Revelations]
[What I Feel| 
aware ]
[What I Hear| you really, REALLY do not want to know ]
[What I Smell| BPAL Honey Moon ]
You know, I KNOW I did not make up what it is to have a real relationship. I've had them--and I miss them. After the past ten years of crap relationships, I miss the ones that were of long endurance, very loving, multilayered and challenging. I miss being touched in the morning and kissed goodnight. I yearn to throw the pillows off the bed and to snuggle up to someone's side once more, my head pillowed on their shoulder, as we caress and talk and laugh and kiss.
I really, really miss having someone to truly ROAR with. I am not a quiet person. I don't sigh prettily or 'moisten' as a lady does, I'm full-out frelling nuts and I give everything. "It's better to burn out than fade away."
Well. I do have ONE relationship that is almost perfect, but it's not what most people think is real. He does not generally touch me physically, and when He does, He overwhelms me. Which is good in its own way, but doesn't make up for that warm body in the bed next to me.
They say if you hear voices, you must be schizophrenic. In my case I can absolutely say that is not true, because my sister and I went to the doctors and were CHECKED OUT for it when Mom developed schizophrenia on top of her bipolar madness. (Schizophrenia is often hereditary and Mom scared us both.) I am not crazy and I'm both very logical--and very much a perceptive person with extended senses beyond the normal Big Five.
When you join an Evangelical church, you hear people talking about "...a personal relationship with Christ..." and you figure out pretty soon that most of them don't have it. They're just throwing around Christianese so that they blend in and are 'part of the club'. When you ASK how someone GETS a personal relationship with the One, True God, they cannot tell you and they cannot give you a clue.
I will, though. You talk to Him. You don't have to call Him 'Christ', but you do have to talk to Him. And while I have always struggled with prayer, most of the time, I literally speak out loud to God as if He's here with me (because He is) and that He can hear me (because He does). Prayer is a formalised ritual of begging/pleading/asking/praising that never sounds normal in anyone's mouth. But TALKING...I can do that.
He scared the living shite out of me the first time He answered audibly. All He did was call my name, but it left me trembling and freaked out for hours. I remembered the Bible verses about Eli and Samuel in the Temple and I whimpered: "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening."
He laughed. He laughs at me a lot. I honestly believe I'm one of God's comic reliefs. He seems to enjoy my consternation and my silliness.
Most of the time, though, He asks me questions inside my head. If I ignore it, He doesn't say anything else. If I answer the question, then He opens my understanding and all this amazing stuff pours into my mind and I KNOW things. I'll suddenly be spouting Bible verses verbatim that I've never memorised or I'll instantly be seeing all the linkages to things in the world around me that are usually hidden from common sight.
But I can tell you from experience, there really is a Presence, and He is all around us. But you are blinded to it if you're not open. Your ears are closed if you won't listen.
Sometimes, there's this little game going on and it's for me to figure it out. This week, I think He wanted me to know I was loved.
In the past two days, PERFECT STRANGERS are coming up to me and saying the most bizarre things to me. "You are the most beautiful woman." "You are too wonderful to be hidden away from everyone." "You know God, don't you." (statement, not question) I'm almost afraid to go anywhere in public because it's strange and hard to take when I have to go back to my dingy, grungy office and deal with crap.
The Wind is blowing and I keep hearing it. If I cannot sleep, I listen to the Wind in the tallest trees of my mind and I fall right to sleep. It's a comforting, wild wind that brings the rumbling, powerful storms and the crashing thunder. The Wind...the Holy Spirit's name is Ruach, which means "breath".
There is really only ONE time I can ever remember Him NOT asking me a question. What He said was: "Sing to Me."
So I sang. Whenever I really need to PRAY, I sing. I sing Bible passages aloud.
That was what I realised I have been missing. I have not been singing. It's no wonder I've suffered so much lately. If I throw my head back and just SING TO HIM, I'll always feel 100% better. I can breathe better. I can think better.
How did I forget to sing?
"...Things aren't what they were, they're what they are. There's no time of our own. And the devil you know is the only one..."
Remember my diatribe on the opposite of God? Selfishness is the Devil, and it's the only one.
Nechtan
aware ]
[What I Hear| you really, REALLY do not want to know ]
[What I Smell| BPAL Honey Moon ]
You know, I KNOW I did not make up what it is to have a real relationship. I've had them--and I miss them. After the past ten years of crap relationships, I miss the ones that were of long endurance, very loving, multilayered and challenging. I miss being touched in the morning and kissed goodnight. I yearn to throw the pillows off the bed and to snuggle up to someone's side once more, my head pillowed on their shoulder, as we caress and talk and laugh and kiss.
I really, really miss having someone to truly ROAR with. I am not a quiet person. I don't sigh prettily or 'moisten' as a lady does, I'm full-out frelling nuts and I give everything. "It's better to burn out than fade away."
Well. I do have ONE relationship that is almost perfect, but it's not what most people think is real. He does not generally touch me physically, and when He does, He overwhelms me. Which is good in its own way, but doesn't make up for that warm body in the bed next to me.
They say if you hear voices, you must be schizophrenic. In my case I can absolutely say that is not true, because my sister and I went to the doctors and were CHECKED OUT for it when Mom developed schizophrenia on top of her bipolar madness. (Schizophrenia is often hereditary and Mom scared us both.) I am not crazy and I'm both very logical--and very much a perceptive person with extended senses beyond the normal Big Five.
When you join an Evangelical church, you hear people talking about "...a personal relationship with Christ..." and you figure out pretty soon that most of them don't have it. They're just throwing around Christianese so that they blend in and are 'part of the club'. When you ASK how someone GETS a personal relationship with the One, True God, they cannot tell you and they cannot give you a clue.
I will, though. You talk to Him. You don't have to call Him 'Christ', but you do have to talk to Him. And while I have always struggled with prayer, most of the time, I literally speak out loud to God as if He's here with me (because He is) and that He can hear me (because He does). Prayer is a formalised ritual of begging/pleading/asking/praising that never sounds normal in anyone's mouth. But TALKING...I can do that.
He scared the living shite out of me the first time He answered audibly. All He did was call my name, but it left me trembling and freaked out for hours. I remembered the Bible verses about Eli and Samuel in the Temple and I whimpered: "Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening."
He laughed. He laughs at me a lot. I honestly believe I'm one of God's comic reliefs. He seems to enjoy my consternation and my silliness.
Most of the time, though, He asks me questions inside my head. If I ignore it, He doesn't say anything else. If I answer the question, then He opens my understanding and all this amazing stuff pours into my mind and I KNOW things. I'll suddenly be spouting Bible verses verbatim that I've never memorised or I'll instantly be seeing all the linkages to things in the world around me that are usually hidden from common sight.
But I can tell you from experience, there really is a Presence, and He is all around us. But you are blinded to it if you're not open. Your ears are closed if you won't listen.
Sometimes, there's this little game going on and it's for me to figure it out. This week, I think He wanted me to know I was loved.
In the past two days, PERFECT STRANGERS are coming up to me and saying the most bizarre things to me. "You are the most beautiful woman." "You are too wonderful to be hidden away from everyone." "You know God, don't you." (statement, not question) I'm almost afraid to go anywhere in public because it's strange and hard to take when I have to go back to my dingy, grungy office and deal with crap.
The Wind is blowing and I keep hearing it. If I cannot sleep, I listen to the Wind in the tallest trees of my mind and I fall right to sleep. It's a comforting, wild wind that brings the rumbling, powerful storms and the crashing thunder. The Wind...the Holy Spirit's name is Ruach, which means "breath".
There is really only ONE time I can ever remember Him NOT asking me a question. What He said was: "Sing to Me."
So I sang. Whenever I really need to PRAY, I sing. I sing Bible passages aloud.
That was what I realised I have been missing. I have not been singing. It's no wonder I've suffered so much lately. If I throw my head back and just SING TO HIM, I'll always feel 100% better. I can breathe better. I can think better.
How did I forget to sing?
"...Things aren't what they were, they're what they are. There's no time of our own. And the devil you know is the only one..."
Remember my diatribe on the opposite of God? Selfishness is the Devil, and it's the only one.
Nechtan