12-21-19 Day 355-25 Hour of Sun-Venus 2340-2455
Tonight we had the family Christmas party while there I tried to hold the space a little bit for my ancestors that were connected to the family. Then afterwards I came in and did a very long ritual as you can see. First I live my ancestor candle and basically called them to check out the space and do what they could to clean up the energy here. Then called hakate and told her about the issue with the second vampire and its victim. Then I proceeded to do the mantra approximately 1,024 times. Even though she told me I didn't have to and by doing it that way we kind of proved that I will probably never be doing that again. I was crying at one point because I hate so much. But what do you do when that's what you know somebody wants and you want to give them stuff they want. Part of it she went on the same page and then demons go on and probably my partner. Oh if you want friends treat them like friends not like that. And then she also saw why I disliked it so much. I think she took pity on me or understands cuz to me that's not what magic should be I have no connection to them on doing and saying it over and over again does nothing. But I just wanted to make sure The energy got to her. I get this feeling like I need to be more intuitive and trust myself but I'm so afraid that I'll fuck it up I just want to do what they want me to do but the same time that's not what I want to do. I'll try to write again if it becomes more insightful. After that I worked on the present. I really wanted to draw out the box using vector graphics just the way I would have an exact idea of what it looks like. But sadly I have no way of doing that. After all that I finished up with the positive intention work and I used my happy anchor and admittedly also I think just becoming aware of my breath even if I'm not doing the wim Hof method is helpful.