So I hold my breath 'til my heart explodes, because this is how it is and this is how it goes
Mm. Tired. So, so, short on energy. But I have to write it out. Because if I don't, I'll keep thinking it over and I'll just get angry and it'll happen again. The cycle is self perpetuating if I'm not careful.
How? is the biggest question I have. Why is simple, or so it seems. He loves her. How can he love her, though? She's alive. She's, quite frankly, a selfish little bitch. How can he? I know Nick sees the best in people, but...how can he love her? She's on an entirely different plane of existance, never mind not me.
Is this it? Am I just a convinence? In that he can't have her, so he'll take me instead? Because he can fuck me, to be crude. He can claim he loves me and he wants to be mine when really he doesn't, but can't have anyone else. Or so I thought. What if...what if she was one of us? Then what?
I don't even have words for what I think of her, but that hasn't changed much. It's...it's what he did that hurts the most. I've been betrayed by everyone. I was an idiot to trust anyone. Even him. Even someone so easy to fall for, someone so easy to love, someone who seemed so honest. And in a way, he still is. I shouldn't have. This doesn't mean it's my fault. It's all his responsiblity. I just wish it wasn't.
I wish I didn't hate him like this right now. How can I love and hate him at the same time? Because I do still love him. Even if there's a huge doubt over how much he loves me any more, because I'm sure as hell not being shared with the bitch with a pulse, that's for sure. That's an indignity I needn't suffer. I'm not about to give in and forgive him just because I love him, that's ridiculous. He betrayed me and he can't just get away with that. He's a traitor and a bastard, but I do still love him. I'm prepared to listen if he wants to fix this. But that's firmly in his part now, not mine.
He deserves whatever he gets. He really does. He should be the one suffering for this. He should be the one burning himself out over this.
No doubt he is. I know he'll be tearing himself apart with guilt. No doubt in the most dramatic way he can possibly manage. I can't feel sorry for him, though.
Why can't this just not be? Why can't everything be like it was a week ago? Why can't he keep a simple promise? Why can't he not act on his emotions? Why can't he just love me, not her? Why can't he not fall for the living? Why can't everything be just the way it was? Why can't he be the man I thought I knew?
oh, Sir Nicholas.
Hello. I'm awake and alright, thank you. My many thanks for looking after me.
Also...can we talk? I know I can trust you.
Nora.
Good morning, I guess. Or afternoon. What ever time of day this is.