no rest for the weary
it's extremely odd how i get my train of thought. one thing can trigger so many memories and so many emotions. my mom bought this off-brand soda for the week that we're at the beach on the fourth of july, but we ran out of soda/non-alcoholic beverages yesterday at the party so my mom put that soda in the cooler. and i got one of the sodas this morning. i think it's supposed to be like mountain dew code red. but it doesn't really taste like it. it has a funny after taste that tastes like tums. and then i remember the trips that we used to take when i was little up to Pensacola to visit Grammy and Pop-Pop. my brother and i would always sit on grammy's bed and help her count out her pills while watching the price is right. she would always give BJ and i a tums. so i always think of her when i think about tums. and i feel guilty. because i should miss her and i should want her to still be alive. and i should feel different than i do. but it's so hard to feel that way. she hurt my mom so badly. she hurt my entire family. it kills me every time my mom talks about her and how she wishes she had a real mother, someone who loved her and someone that cared for her. even though she's dead, she still causes pain and problems in our family. it makes me so angry. my one aunt and her children got all of her belongings. i really don't care that i didn't get anything, there is nothing of hers that i want. but i wish that my mom would have gotten the things her step-dad wanted her to have. and i wish my brother would have gotten Hi-Jo, this toy type thing they bought in the Phillipines. i dont know, it doesn't matter anymore. i hate having flashbacks like this. and thinking. today is a rainy day. and a day calling for some sleep.
xo
xo