poetry

[flamantrose]

so my portfolio is done (phew!)

i thought i'd let you all take a peek.

final drafts of my portfolio poems...


as you make me cry

don’t you realize
it’s times like this
when you hate me, berate me,

that entice the knife
from under the pillow
to whisper along my skin

the blade knows you’ll find its
aching artistry
soon enough

and it will return from hiding

coffee

we decided we’d finally meet
it was your idea, but i was excited
after all, it’s coffee
and who can pass up caffeine?
so we arranged to meet at four
at that popular chain

i arrived a few minutes early
i didn’t want to be the one
to figure out which one you are
based solely on some shitty grainy pixilated photo
so i ordered my drink
it took forever for the credit card to go through

i sat down close to the door
examining every face that came through it
four o’clock passed, but i figured you were running late
i got out my books and took some notes
checked my phone every four minutes
no, you hadn’t called; no, time hadn’t stopped

it’s four forty-seven
i’m not sure why i’m still here
i already got up for a refill
i think i was supposed to pay for it, but whatever
this was a stupid idea anyway
i’m not hurt that you stood me up

but still, fuck you.


defining moments

what is a word
can you define a word with a word
is it possible to comprehend meaning
life from life - death from death

“maleness” has nothing to do with “male”
which is just an english representation
of masculine glory

what is a dog
if not the four-legged furball

how can you define marriage
a set of inconsistent ideals and features
just the “union” of a couple -
but what’s a couple?

could we have learned language
without knowing language?
can we have meaning
without knowing what that means?

what is the truth
if not the general consensus
of ideas yet to be formed

quarter

so then a quarter entertained us
for forty-five minutes
i played with this guy from Notre Dame
his name is dan

the next morning the quarter
had turned into a ping pong ball
by insert quarter
eject ping pong ball

we bounced it
like this
and we set up cups
trying to bounce it across the table

someone stepped on it and
there were no more quarters

girls don’t cry

i hate your stereotypes
you glance at me and laugh
passing me off to the guys on the other team
teasing about “throwing like a girl”
kicking your ass was the highlight of my day

how dare you imply that
since i’m a girl, i should be a cheerleader
breasts aren’t pom pons
testicles aren’t basketballs
don’t equate the two
unless you want to be embarrassed on the court as well

i’m blonde
so of course, you’re right, i’m
an airhead an idiot a brainless twit
happy to stand, unthinking, by your side
while you make an ass out of yourself
pretending you understand politics

oh, you’re right
i love sex so i’m a whore
when’s the last time you got laid?
how many have had the pleasure of your company?

and of course, i’m a girl
girls love flowers and teddies and ponies
let me tell you-i’ve given more roses than i’ve received
ditto on the stuffed animals
i got over the pony phase when i was four

let me guess: because i love pink
i love frills and ribbons and cute little hearts
your boxers are more likely to have all that shit
than my panties are

oh-oh, right-girls need help with their checkbooks
after all, that addition and subtraction
requires more skill than linear algebra
so please, come assist me,
the math major

and that damsel in distress bit?
i haven’t required your services since the day before i started judo
when i was eight
and if i recall correctly,
it was you who “screamed like a girl”
when we were almost mugged

it’s clear to me that girls are better than boys
or, at least,
i am better than you.


growing old

the first time i ever felt old
was when i was 17. i was
coaching 5th grade girls
basketball and they all
wanted cool nicknames.
they became kobe and yao
and tom and britney
and the fastest girl on the team
was Speedy
so i said how about if we call
you Gonzales?
and all the girls
looked at me like i had just
grown horns and they kept
looking at me once i felt my
head and realized i hadn’t.

even with their computers
and google and cartoon network
they had never heard of
Speedy Gonzales.

if a woman is crying, don’t rape her

i didn’t ask that you
console me with your
cock shoved deep

in my cunt. didn’t want
your “Love” filling me,
spilling out of me

as i stumbled from the
room concealing
enough hatred for three.

kneel for the dream

the elderly woman brushed by me
nearly knocking me over
despite her wrinkled frailty.

i knelt to pick up my music
my life, my love, as she
hobbled on.

i shoved my work away
and continued on
glassy-eyed


lies

it doesn’t matter, i can live with it
i love you too much to fight back
take me bruise me humiliate me
i promise not to cry

i won’t tolerate you
let me push you away
cut you slap you punish you
let me make you cry

torture me control me own me
ihateyouihateyouihate
get out of my life stay away
don’t make me cry

i want to kill you
i want you to kill me


lifelong expectations

i guess i’m just having trouble
internalizing the love you claim to have
for me. haven’t you ever heard that
You have to love yourself before others can love you.

? i know i have. i’ve heard it
every day from my mom and from my dad
and from the voices in my head
If you can’t respect yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?

screaming at me to respect my broken soul
so they can love me and you can
love me
Each day comes bearing its own gift. Untie the ribbons.

if you want me to live a lie
i will
if it will make you keep loving me
i will
if you promise not to search deeper
i will

Off my chest, off my body

You’d better keep your laws away from me
My body’s mine to do with as I please
For though you say that life’s a precious gift
You need to know there is no life to give
You think you speak for all with your beliefs
But they’re not mine, so though you wish to cheat
The women of this nation of our rights,
We will retain the right to our own lives.
If I decide abortion’s right for me
To interfere would take my life from me
For it’s my body - and I have free will
So stay away, don’t claim I want to kill
A bit of me, not living as of yet
For it’s my choice - it’s one I won’t regret.

prayer for mercy

do you recall a time when you loved me?
you pulled me through, you held me for so long

somehow i didn’t notice when you left
my heart wrapped up in praise for you: my song

so slowly, then, your loss I came to know
my numbness grew; no longer could i hide
my hardened soul, devoid of light and warmth
my aching mind was too much to abide
and now, years later, still i wait for you

i call out in the midst of blissful death
in hopes that one day soon you’ll hear my song
and come to me, put life into my breath

for still i hold a hope that you love me
and if you don’t, from life please set me free

the return

wrap around me
seduce me
intoxicate me

luscious pain
divine ache
broken pleasure

cremation
constitution
collision

tiptoed whisper


my hell

not those sky-high highs
no sleep no need
gorgeous boots expensive food
laughing fun verbal spills
need to be restrained?
not those trenchlike lows
can’t get out of bed
too much crashing down
shut my eyes till they
need to hide my shoelaces
no, the scariest part
the constant careful
treading minute-to-minute
can’t-find-my-scissors
question when
will the mood swing

yet you live on

soul-stopping silence
darkens you squeezes you
full-circle sweep
through faithless prayers

and what can you do
but lie there alone
in shivering emptiness
waiting for someone to

anyone to pick you up
when help approaches
with a heart and a light
you can only crouch deeper

hide in your madness
the prayers of the damned

if you have questions or want to know more about any of them, let me know :)