Flakey, I've reached a new stage in my relationship. That's right, my girlfriend farted in bed. There comes a point in all relationships where you first see the humanity in your significant other, such as the first time you see them cry, or the first time you see them angry and indignant. Drinking too much and vomiting in your presence inevitably happens, yet you manage to put all these aside and still imagine her on a pedestal only you can see, the perfect woman, a bastion of femininity. All of this was shattered Saturday night. As I was enjoying a post-coital cigarette, happily watching "King of the Hill" and chuckling at Boomhauer, it happened. It took a moment to sink in. My mind refused to accept the fact that the explosive flatulence assaulting my ears was real. Mind you, this was no effeminate "poot". This could only be described as the type of ass-thunder normally reserved for all male campouts, where such gaseous expulsions are a source of pride. At first, I reacted with extreme calm. Stubbing out my cigarette, I looked over into her beautiful eyes. She was looking back at me, a sheepish grin on her face. How do you react when your world is ripped (pun intended) out from under you? What do you say when your delicate violet issues forth some butt-baritone that would make a sailor blush? Now I pride myself on being a sensitive guy. My mind reeled with possible comments, ranging from "Are you feeling o.k. doll?" to "Hehe, we shouldn't have had that 3 bean salad with our meal, hon." In hindsight, I think I might have handled it better than I did. "God, did you just SHIT?" I threw the covers back and stood staring at her, a look of shock and disbelief on my face. Her sheepish grin turned to a look of shame and embarrassment. Tears welled in her eyes, and I knew I had failed to react in an appropriate manner. As I look back on the event, I suppose it was, in a way, a sign of affection and trust that she would let fly such an enormous kazoo blast in my presence. I can't help but think I set our relationship back a notch by reacting in such a way. Oh well, perhaps tonight I can make up for it. I'm thinking of using my nose-hair trimmer, or maybe clipping my toenails in front of her to show her I too am capable of trust and intimacy. Or maybe I'll just eat a bunch of cabbage, drink a lot of beer and reply in kind. Wish me luck
Trust issues? In that case I will never fart in front of anyone again. I'm dating 3 diff guys right now and not one of them knows me. Or as Holden says, "No one gets me"; however I do not consider myself to be "put-upon". I was living with a guy one summer in SoCal. He invited me to live with him, and then panicked when I not only said yes but showed up-with luggage. This was a small CA apartment, less than 800 sqft. He smoked but wouldn't smoke inside. It took me a couple of days (and sitting by an open window) to realize his frequent trips to smoke on the patio were also to fart in private. That was one of my first clues that he didn't feel comfortable having me there. So you're girlfriend is ready to move to a new level of intimacy with you; congratulations. On how you handled it...yeah, you could have done better. But then she could have started out with a cute poot instead of the baritone you describe. So on both your parts it's now down to damage control. As an outsider with only one POV being told to me, I'd say you are both equal on this. No apology needed and no explanation. Of course I hate explanations. Having to explain why you said or did something gives it so much more importance than it deserves, usually. Most things are well served by being swept under the rug. The best way to bridge this awkward spell would probably be to let down the facade naturally; no forced show of bodily upkeep (that could kill more than the embarrassment). Just don't hold it in the next time you feel the need to let it out. You could say something innocuous like you really appreciate that she feels comfortable being herself and letting down her guard around you. Then if she wants to bring up the fact she fluttered the sheets on you, she can. Or she can just smile and continue ignoring that it happened. One anecdote passed down from my Mom: She and Dad had been married about 4 months when she gently farted while they were watching TV one night. He looked at her in utter surprise, then said "Thank God, I was beginning to wonder if you were human."
my girlfriend farted in bed.
There comes a point in all relationships where you first see the
humanity in your significant other, such as the first time you see them cry, or the first time you see them angry and indignant. Drinking too much and vomiting in your presence inevitably happens, yet you manage to put all these aside and still imagine her on a pedestal only you can see, the perfect woman, a bastion of femininity.
All of this was shattered Saturday night. As I was enjoying a
post-coital cigarette, happily watching "King of the Hill" and
chuckling at Boomhauer, it happened.
It took a moment to sink in. My mind refused to accept the fact
that the explosive flatulence assaulting my ears was real.
Mind you, this was no effeminate "poot". This could only be described as the type of ass-thunder normally reserved for all male campouts, where such gaseous expulsions are a source of pride.
At first, I reacted with extreme calm. Stubbing out my cigarette, I looked over into her beautiful eyes. She was looking back at me, a sheepish grin on her face.
How do you react when your world is ripped (pun intended) out from
under you? What do you say when your delicate violet issues forth some butt-baritone that would make a sailor blush?
Now I pride myself on being a sensitive guy. My mind reeled with
possible comments, ranging from "Are you feeling o.k. doll?" to "Hehe, we shouldn't have had that 3 bean salad with our meal, hon." In hindsight, I think I might have handled it better than I did.
"God, did you just SHIT?" I threw the covers back and stood staring at her, a look of shock and disbelief on my face. Her sheepish grin turned to a look of shame and embarrassment. Tears welled in her eyes, and I knew I had failed to react in an appropriate manner.
As I look back on the event, I suppose it was, in a way, a sign of
affection and trust that she would let fly such an enormous kazoo blast in my presence. I can't help but think I set our relationship back a notch by reacting in such a way.
Oh well, perhaps tonight I can make up for it. I'm thinking of
using my nose-hair trimmer, or maybe clipping my toenails in front of
her to show her I too am capable of trust and intimacy.
Or maybe I'll just eat a bunch of cabbage, drink a lot of beer and reply in kind.
Wish me luck
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