make the love, paint the picture, write the song... till the break of dawn.
"why do your eyes paralyze me"
what a nite indeed...
I'll start off from last nite..(or the nite before because Im writing about friday and its early morning sunday...n/m..)
last nite I saw New End Orignal and Counterfiet at Gillmans but had to leave early so I could catch the train...by myself. It was midnite and I was on the foggy streets of berkely pretty much all alone. I think thats the worst thing ever..being in a concrete Jungle all by yourself on a cold night. Its not the high risk of being mugged that scared me...but how incredibly alone I felt..and riding the transit into downtown oakland didnt help much either.
so it was a fifteen minute bus ride into oakland..with me being surrounded by your typical looney bus riders. People who talk to themselvs (or you) trying to explain that they are in fact in ways, a genius. The scary ones that give you the crazy cock eyed "look". then...the ones that you feel bad and sometimes sympathize for.. the old men that work 18 hour shifts at the factory or tailor shop..street shoe polishers... urban saxaphone players.. they usually ride the bus late at nite and carry alot of their belongings...groceries for their family and the little things they've picked up stored in tattered and torn breifcases. Many of these men are so old that they dont even have enough strength to pull on the "stop requested" strings for the busses or carry their belongings off the bus...I offered to help the old man off cuz I guess I was the only one, besides the bus driver, that was mentally able to handle such a task.
" god bless your soul son"
Its his thank you he said to me after I had helped him. Its one of those lines that oddly, make me sadly uncomfortable. Usually people who stick a reference to God in their thank you's are usually.. (ugh..sorry Im having trouble putting thoughts into words tonite) ..just having hard times. They are struggling with their lives..but mildly content enough to be extra polite..therefore..much more greatfull to an extra hand than the average joe.
Well anyway.. after climbing back onto the bus from under the street light I watched the man slowly dissapear into complete darkness..and with that..many thoughts were triggered.
I wondered...I wished... I hoped that he would have a loving family waiting for him on the other end of the street. I never wanted to imagine him coming home to nothing. Coming home to a tv with no cable. a 2-4 person breakfast used for all meals.. a house with no hot water... no wife to kiss goodnite... no children to tuck into bed. Tiles caked with grease and lime...
I know..Im totally blowing this way out of proportion... It was just one of those nights you know?
Those nights where I felt like I wish I had someone..to be close to..someone to spend time with after having a really bad day...even if its just 5-10 minutes on the phone. I kept telling myself all year that I didnt need anyone again..that I didnt need to have a girlfriend at the moment because well.. I really dont remember anymore. Well maybe there was another reason that I wouldnt admit to myself..I couldnt see myself handling a relationship very well at the time.. Im never comfortable...always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.. sweating on all the small things you know? BTW Im not desperate or anything.. just putting this journal to its full use..
I guess Ive matured alot more now.. heard enough stories about these type of melodramas...so much that I dont really emphasize anymore...its all the same.. because when it comes down to it.. its you yourself who creates your own problems (unless of course it was out of your hands).. and when both parties have felt they've been dealt the short end of the stick...its nothing but a dilemma that keeps begging the question..dragging the both of you down...
holy shit..how did I stumble upon that topic..I must be totally out of it.
Anyways..all im saying is that.. I dont know what im saying or what the point is... geez
I wrote alot less than I planned to write..but Im just not feeling to well about some things..wutever..I'll write more when I wake up in a few hours..hopefully it'll still be fresh on my mind.
goodnite.
what a nite indeed...
I'll start off from last nite..(or the nite before because Im writing about friday and its early morning sunday...n/m..)
last nite I saw New End Orignal and Counterfiet at Gillmans but had to leave early so I could catch the train...by myself. It was midnite and I was on the foggy streets of berkely pretty much all alone. I think thats the worst thing ever..being in a concrete Jungle all by yourself on a cold night. Its not the high risk of being mugged that scared me...but how incredibly alone I felt..and riding the transit into downtown oakland didnt help much either.
so it was a fifteen minute bus ride into oakland..with me being surrounded by your typical looney bus riders. People who talk to themselvs (or you) trying to explain that they are in fact in ways, a genius. The scary ones that give you the crazy cock eyed "look". then...the ones that you feel bad and sometimes sympathize for.. the old men that work 18 hour shifts at the factory or tailor shop..street shoe polishers... urban saxaphone players.. they usually ride the bus late at nite and carry alot of their belongings...groceries for their family and the little things they've picked up stored in tattered and torn breifcases. Many of these men are so old that they dont even have enough strength to pull on the "stop requested" strings for the busses or carry their belongings off the bus...I offered to help the old man off cuz I guess I was the only one, besides the bus driver, that was mentally able to handle such a task.
" god bless your soul son"
Its his thank you he said to me after I had helped him. Its one of those lines that oddly, make me sadly uncomfortable. Usually people who stick a reference to God in their thank you's are usually.. (ugh..sorry Im having trouble putting thoughts into words tonite) ..just having hard times. They are struggling with their lives..but mildly content enough to be extra polite..therefore..much more greatfull to an extra hand than the average joe.
Well anyway.. after climbing back onto the bus from under the street light I watched the man slowly dissapear into complete darkness..and with that..many thoughts were triggered.
I wondered...I wished... I hoped that he would have a loving family waiting for him on the other end of the street. I never wanted to imagine him coming home to nothing. Coming home to a tv with no cable. a 2-4 person breakfast used for all meals.. a house with no hot water... no wife to kiss goodnite... no children to tuck into bed. Tiles caked with grease and lime...
I know..Im totally blowing this way out of proportion... It was just one of those nights you know?
Those nights where I felt like I wish I had someone..to be close to..someone to spend time with after having a really bad day...even if its just 5-10 minutes on the phone. I kept telling myself all year that I didnt need anyone again..that I didnt need to have a girlfriend at the moment because well.. I really dont remember anymore. Well maybe there was another reason that I wouldnt admit to myself..I couldnt see myself handling a relationship very well at the time.. Im never comfortable...always wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.. sweating on all the small things you know? BTW Im not desperate or anything.. just putting this journal to its full use..
I guess Ive matured alot more now.. heard enough stories about these type of melodramas...so much that I dont really emphasize anymore...its all the same.. because when it comes down to it.. its you yourself who creates your own problems (unless of course it was out of your hands).. and when both parties have felt they've been dealt the short end of the stick...its nothing but a dilemma that keeps begging the question..dragging the both of you down...
holy shit..how did I stumble upon that topic..I must be totally out of it.
Anyways..all im saying is that.. I dont know what im saying or what the point is... geez
I wrote alot less than I planned to write..but Im just not feeling to well about some things..wutever..I'll write more when I wake up in a few hours..hopefully it'll still be fresh on my mind.
goodnite.