the story of easter
you forgot to go away. You are a wonderful and loving unique person. smart and i think youre awesome. and we are going to get crunked!!!! ----that’s an instant message from Tyler, haha, I told him I was having a bad night, so he left that
I woke up this morning at tyler’s nauseous and with a head ache… I laid in bed and few minutes and then I realized last night…. How me and Jordan talked and how I drank too much and how I don’t even remember passing out.
I cried about ten minutes ago, only a couple of tears… they will come I’m sure.
I have good news and bad news… what do I want first..? The bad news.
I looked through my journal of the past six months and there are short phrases about Jordan, short phrases aren’t going to work right now.. fuck I’m so hung over and there is a car alarm going off outside
OK OK this is getting in too deep:
Since I got home I have been struggling. I have missed Jordan and I have laid in bed at night and thought about him. I have wanted to talk to him about things, but I was scared. Uhh, I’m going to put on some sad music…
This is fitting:
goodbye to sleep,
I think this staying up is exactly what I need
well take apart your head
take apart the counting, and the flock it has bred
goodbye to love,
well it's alright I'll push you up
right against the wall
take apart your head
chew it up and swallow it
you're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right
goodbye you liar,
well you sipped from the cup but you don't own up to anything
then you think you will inspire
take apart your head
(and I wish I could inspire)
take apart your demons, then you add it to the list.
(goodbye my love)
bring you back but you're running
(goodbye my love)
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
(goodbye my love)
I can't shake this tiny feeling
(goodbye my love)
I'll never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
well take me, take me back to your bedI love you so much that it hurts my head
say I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
when we were made we were set apart
life is a test and I get bad marks
now some saint got the job of writing down my sins
the storm is coming, the storm is coming in
you're brought back but you're running
I'll find sleep in the end tonight
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
I'm on my own, never say anything right
take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in
well you're my favourite bird and when you sing
I really do wish that you'd wear my ring
no matter what they say, I am still the king
and now the storm is coming, the storm is coming in
Ok, there they are…
God man… This isn’t about pretending like I don’t care, or laughing when I really want to cry.. or taking a step back when I really want to leap forward.. this isn’t that shit anymore… those are my mistakes
I have never loved anyone like this before. I have never been okay with anyone… I wish I had some time where I was just okay.
I keep remembering this morning in Boulder.. I woke up and it was bright in the room and I can imagine I looked awful, and I looked at jordan and he smiled and I noticed the freckles he has across his nose and I knew… this is getting in too deep. He got me… I don’t date because he is more important, and I don’t say I love you to any other guy, because I can’t, and I wish I could…
I wish people really got it. How misplaced I feel here, and how much I don’t feel connected to people…
So I was hysterical and called Lauren, I’m not hysterical now, just feeling the over whelming pain of heart break
Some cold hard facts:
I wrote the Story of Easter for him and well he has someone else. He is taking Callie to California, not me. She is more important, not me… How I feel about him, he feels about her. I’m pathetically in love with him, and I want to go out there and convince him I’m better or something…. I know he loves me, but it isn’t the same because this infatuation with Callie is more important, and I haven’t been able to let anyone be more important. I have to let go. I have spent this past year being secretly in love with him and trying to be cool and disconnected. Maybe I made that mistake, and that is why he is seeing her and not me, I can’t change this. I make him want the same things.
The good news:
I met someone. This is going to sound crazy after all of that. So, I stalked this guy via facebook because he was 1 of like 3 people who had climbing in their interests and told him I needed cincinnati climbing advice. He agreed to meet up with me and we had smoothies. This guy is a son of a pastor, serious conservative, but also very cute and out doorsy. BUT obviously not for me. ANYWAY, with no expectations we hung out again a couple of nights ago. I stayed up till 7:30 in the am talking with him. He kissed me, and it was cute, and he played with my gross hair, and now I think I have a little crush on this guy, who is the polar opposite of me. It seems weird that he was flirting with me, I totally didn’t expect it because I don’t think I’m the kind og girl he would like, but we will see where it goes.
Lauren just serious talked me down… she was selfless, and I’m just feeling thankful.