just walk it out, yeah walk it out...
I'm going to write until I figure this out…
I have all of these half thoughts going through my head..
I feel kind of bad about some things, but I haven't thought about them long enough to understand them…
So I have these sneaking suspicions that there are things about me that aren't really… functional or normal.. or … in working order to sustain myself in general society.
"I like you, I'm interested in you…you just don't seem to care"
I can't make myself care… I can devote SOME time.. SOME energy, but I can not and will not do something I don't want do.
I'm not scared to open up to people
Opening up to someone is not a worry or concern of mine.
I'm not scared of getting hurt, or of not being with anyone..
I'm not scared to tell someone exactly how I feel
I guess the "fundamental problem" is that I don't feel very strongly any certain way for most people
Also, it seems that I am not bothered by that
I don't have a sense of urgency with people
I care about :Lauren, Jordan, Joce… and my family
I guess that isn't enough for most people…
I guess I am just expected to feel a certain way
It is an epidemic with the male population that I come into contact with
A guy meets me, likes me.. I'm cool, interesting, pretty, whatever.. … then suddenly he knows me, and I know him.. and my discomfort in that situation is never understood or taken into account the way I think it should be…
I have no expectation; I don't have any immediate needs
Do I struggle with this?
Yes…
I sometimes feel like it isn't normal, or okay to be distant from people romantically
I frequently get uncomfortable around people of the opposite sex whom I think have interest in me
I feel like they want something from me that I don't have to give, or want to give, at least
But I actually feel that it isn't that I don't want to give, I just literally don't have anything to offer anyone in a relationship type situation
There must be something I want or need, I'm sure there is, and when I find that I believe that I will not have any problem "opening up" or
"getting to know someone"
I just hate feeling that people are always trying to superimpose how they feel on to me…
Why can't people just accept that when you feel something for someone that YOU feel that, and you feel that way within yourself….
UH..
When I realized how much I cared about Jordan and how important he was to me, I didn't EXPECT him to feel that in return… actually as soon as I realized how much he meant to me I knew that he couldn't know that or feel that with me, I actually expected him to be like.. uh.. I don't care about..
I just felt okay with how I felt, even though he is far away and sometimes not able to be what I need or want…I just felt good to have that feeling with someone…
Is that "unnormal"?
Jacob and I have been through a lot… we have been through so much with each other, that we have dealt with alone
Yesterday I felt uncomfortable and like I couldn't be around anyone, but I thought I could be around him, cause I knew he would let me feel how I feel and he would feel different, and we would be together but know that we are both conflicted differently
I know this is long, and goes on and on forever… at least for two pages
I just didn't know any other way to sort through this, feel it out
I guess I need a plan, so that I don't feel bad about any of this
I think I am going to make myself unavailable to the opposite sex
If I appear that I am only available for Platonic relationships then guys won't fall for me too fast, assume they know me, and then expect things from me
I put that I was married on myspace.. maybe I should buy a fake wedding ring
I think that I send mixed signals, and I guess I'm going to have to make further efforts to make it obvious to any guy I talk to that I am not willing to jump into anything romantic…
SIGH