The Mathematics of Living
Once again, I'm stuck
in a small, dark, deserted room with nothing to do and no one to
converse with. Does anyone even read this crap?
I opened a savings account with the fascist establishment known as Bank of America the other day. Now I can throw money at them and, in return, be given a wonderfully false sense of security. Here are the things I plan to save up for:
Dodge Neon SRT-4
This is but a fancy shell for the hermit-crab life that I live. I might as well wander in circles in style.
Pennsylvania School of Gunsmithing
This is but a hobby to keep my mind from spinning itself apart. Destructive creativity is the most awe-inspiring.
Benelli M4 Super-90
This is but a precaution for the trials to come. Apocalypse will not catch me unaware.
The hope of acquiring those 3 things will keep me trudging through the muck for now. Maybe by the time that purpose for existing has been expended, I'll find another, more substantial one. I constantly try to find the beauty in the simple things. But it is difficult to catch the butterfly that is sitting on the pile of gold. I am overwhelmed by the fact that I have so much potential but lack the mental disciplinary resources to make it a reality. There are too many undefined variables that I do not have the formulas for. I am entrapped by my own consciousness. I am entangled in my own philosophies. I fear changing anything in my life because with every improvement, comes more complication. There is so much going on inside of me at once that I can't concentrate on any one thing at once. My mind is constantly switching subjects every 5 seconds. "Overabundance causes confusion of time versus necessity" (thank you, Schultz). I have so much time and ambition, but a fear of using it to my advantage. I can't help but wonder, "What if no gives a shit?" What if no one notices my successes? Where's the fun in making progress if there's no one to be excited with you? What is the purpose of action without recognition?
There is a point to all of this, however. I know the dangers of mindless bitching. It has taken me fucking forever, but I now understand that I have come so far over the past few years. I have learned so much, and I must not lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I have learned to have faith in myself and in God above. I am happy with the person of have become because I can fall and get back up and laugh about what just happened. I have and continue to accept and face my challenges head on. I have learned that my pain and failure only serve to give me a chance to rebuild as a stronger person. I have learned to lick my wounds for the taste. They are not scars, but displays of my triumph.
Someone once said to me when I was complaining about not having a third arm to lighten the load of my textbooks in school, "But if you had a third arm, you would wish you had a fourth." She taught me a valuable lesson that day. That was one of the most profound things I had ever heard, and I have since lived my life according to that statement. If you aren't thankful for what you have, then you will never be satisfied.
If I ever see her again, I will embrace her with two arms instead of three, and I will be thankful for all she has given me.
My knuckles are bleeding on your front door
And these flowers are wilting in the rain
They were for you, and now they are for no one
They are irrelevant, as mercenaries in times of peace
They are smoke twisting off the lips of a movie star
Here is a boy with paper skin who longs to touch the girl of broken glass
She loves it when he wears his skin like that
In tatters
I opened a savings account with the fascist establishment known as Bank of America the other day. Now I can throw money at them and, in return, be given a wonderfully false sense of security. Here are the things I plan to save up for:
Dodge Neon SRT-4
This is but a fancy shell for the hermit-crab life that I live. I might as well wander in circles in style.
Pennsylvania School of Gunsmithing
This is but a hobby to keep my mind from spinning itself apart. Destructive creativity is the most awe-inspiring.
Benelli M4 Super-90
This is but a precaution for the trials to come. Apocalypse will not catch me unaware.
The hope of acquiring those 3 things will keep me trudging through the muck for now. Maybe by the time that purpose for existing has been expended, I'll find another, more substantial one. I constantly try to find the beauty in the simple things. But it is difficult to catch the butterfly that is sitting on the pile of gold. I am overwhelmed by the fact that I have so much potential but lack the mental disciplinary resources to make it a reality. There are too many undefined variables that I do not have the formulas for. I am entrapped by my own consciousness. I am entangled in my own philosophies. I fear changing anything in my life because with every improvement, comes more complication. There is so much going on inside of me at once that I can't concentrate on any one thing at once. My mind is constantly switching subjects every 5 seconds. "Overabundance causes confusion of time versus necessity" (thank you, Schultz). I have so much time and ambition, but a fear of using it to my advantage. I can't help but wonder, "What if no gives a shit?" What if no one notices my successes? Where's the fun in making progress if there's no one to be excited with you? What is the purpose of action without recognition?
There is a point to all of this, however. I know the dangers of mindless bitching. It has taken me fucking forever, but I now understand that I have come so far over the past few years. I have learned so much, and I must not lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. I have learned to have faith in myself and in God above. I am happy with the person of have become because I can fall and get back up and laugh about what just happened. I have and continue to accept and face my challenges head on. I have learned that my pain and failure only serve to give me a chance to rebuild as a stronger person. I have learned to lick my wounds for the taste. They are not scars, but displays of my triumph.
Someone once said to me when I was complaining about not having a third arm to lighten the load of my textbooks in school, "But if you had a third arm, you would wish you had a fourth." She taught me a valuable lesson that day. That was one of the most profound things I had ever heard, and I have since lived my life according to that statement. If you aren't thankful for what you have, then you will never be satisfied.
If I ever see her again, I will embrace her with two arms instead of three, and I will be thankful for all she has given me.
My knuckles are bleeding on your front door
And these flowers are wilting in the rain
They were for you, and now they are for no one
They are irrelevant, as mercenaries in times of peace
They are smoke twisting off the lips of a movie star
Here is a boy with paper skin who longs to touch the girl of broken glass
She loves it when he wears his skin like that
In tatters