(no subject)
I never really stopped to define myself in the way most men in my place do. To me, it was never something that needed dwelling on. I didn't care much for girls in the romantic sense and that was that.
Now, at 35 however, things start to look a little different. I find myself lying to my mother and father; telling my ma that her second oldest son will be giving her grandbabies before she knows it, sharing the (made-up) stories of my latest conquest with my father and getting clapped on the back for my prowess.
If only they knew that my conquests always ended up with me on all fours getting bred by some of New York's best cocks. That my first sexual experience was jerking off another guy at PS 178 in the corner of the locker room. That I could spend all of my weekend sucking on a nice stiff piece of meat and be a very happy boy.
God help me if my father ever found out that I can literally count how many women I've been with using half of one hand.
That's not to say I'm so far in the closet that I've got fuckin' Narnia under my feet. All three of my sisters know. Michelle and Beth have already offered to be surrogates should I ever choose to go down that road with someone. My best friend, Danny knows; hell, he's topped me when I absolutely needed a good fuck more than once. My closest femal friend, Stella knows. It's just the two people that brought me into this world that have no clue that their son bats for the other team.
My father would disown me. How do I know? He's the guy that will flat out refuse to even look at a gay man. The one that asked to be reassigned when his first partner came out to him. The one who, for the entirety of his illustrious NYPD carreer, has pawned off Pride Week duties to anyone he could.
Ma would cry. She'd second-guess her merit as a parent. Then she'd cry some more, and finally hug me tight and ask me with the same blue eyes I have, if I was really happy.
Hence my issue with defining myself as gay. Will I be happier if I come out to everyone? Will I find that love that's so powerful and unmoving that everyong talks about? Will I have the family that all my siblings have and that I've dreamed of for so long?
I don't think so.
I think the reality is that if anything, it will make things worse. The truth is that I'll always be a cop, I'll probably always be alone and that the only way I'll be giving anyone grandkids is if I adopt. Would I have chosen to be this way intentionally? I'm not sure. Certain things I'll never want to change. Others I would switch in a heartbeat.
Funny how I never questioned any of this until the image of spending my upcoming birthday along--again--came to mind.
With my track record however, I'll be impressed if I manage to even find a guy to fuck that night. Can't tell you how many times I've had to settle for a beer and a smoke and then just call it a night. Big family birthdays are usually out of the question since half of us live out of state and the other half are so busy.
No, at this point--unless something comes up--things will probably stay just the way they are.