(no subject)
well since nobody really reads this anyways i'm just going to go on and on with what is on my mind or should i say what has been on my mind. umm I've been trying to get sober since I was 18 and i'm 20 now. I stayed sober for a little over a year and a half and then things just went to shit and kept somewhat getting worse. for some reason i thought that coming out of the closet to my friends and some family would be a big relief but one of the secrets that was attached to me coming out was the way i feel/felt about my best friend who is straight. Things were turning out ok and all of my friends were fine with it but my mom flipped out and we had a horrific argument that ended with her locking herself in her room and me having to leave the house for the day and night. She eventually calmed down though. Telling my best friend how i felt about him was and still is the most ugly situation i have ever been through in my entire life. I knew from the begining that he wasn't going to feel the same way because he wasn't gay or bi but part of me, the dreamer part of me, just hoped that there might be something there. I hid my feelings for him from him for years and as time went by, they only got worse and bleh....that leads me back to my current state of not being able to stay sober. My friends don't get why or how i'm still hung up over him and that's because they never knew how i felt and just assumed that it was some immature crush. i'm not sure what it was but it sure as hell wasn't something like that. anyways we still talk but it hasn't been easy even though it's been 5 months. I mean how do you get over your best friend? blah blah blah I do know that time heals all and i can safely say that yes, i am getting much better but i am afraid of getting my heart broken again. my mind is nowhere near clear but i don't want to type anymore.