Uneasy Allies in Untruth (PG, Gen, 9400 words), by amilyn for Twilight2000

[amilyn]

Title: Uneasy Allies in Untruth
Author: Amilyn
Recipient: Twilight2000
Beta-Readers: wiliqueen and brightknightie
Prompt: Home run for the good guys, plot focused preferred (hey, what can I say? I love that kind of story!)
Characters: Nick, Natalie, Janette, Schanke, LaCroix
Length: 9400 words
Rating: PG
Summary: A year and a half ago, an unidentified vigilante went on a spree

Comments

"one last lie for her brother"

[brightknightie]

You have accomplished so much here, and I am impressed. I enjoyed rereading the story today. Thank you for letting me beta-read it before. From that exchange, you already know most of what I have to say about the story, but I would also like to applaud how you brought together the human and vampire elements to unify the prompt's "home run for the good guys" across nearly the entire cast.

And thank you for finding a place for Fleur in this ficathon. :-)

Among things that you strengthened between your first and final drafts, let me point out for praise the interactions between Nick and Janette, the mini-semi-flashback for Janette's dislike of "tombs" (love that), and the suspense-building progression from murder and the threat of exposure of the vampires' secret to the ramped-up threat of murder and the exposure of the vampires' secret plus exposure of Nick and Natalie's incomplete reports and other lies.

Three good bits to specially point out, in addition to the one in the subject line:

• By the time Nick looked up, Natalie was smothering giggles in the back of her wrist. "You have never had a chance, have you?" she choked out. "I mean, centuries of that and she still renders you speechless? You should have seen...your face just went entirely blank." She laughed out loud then.


• "So, because of what I said, Natalie checked the connection to the previous spree killer and the details matched?" Schanke asked...


• "Natalie, LaCroix is the last person we want to ask to do anything for us. Ever. You don't understa--"

Thank you very much for sharing this story with us all!

Re: "one last lie for her brother"

[amilyn]

Thank you! I'm so glad that the revisions showed for you and strengthened things in noticeable. You're very welcome for the Fleur mention and I am grateful for the question you asked about Janette and the morgue that inspired the mini-flashback about the dislike of tombs/crypts.

I'm quite pleased with how this turned out and I'm thrilled that you like it. Thank you for beta'ing and making it SO MUCH better!