In the small, quiet hours
I like peoples' stories. I like to know things, and what's more, I dislike not knowing things. I imagine some small part of my inability to let go and move on or away from people I used to know is that it means not getting to know their stories anymore. It's a dropped thread. I want to know.
I've been looking at and thinking and feeling and breathing a lot of old things lately. It scares the hell out of me, tell you true, but not quite as badly as it did a couple days ago. Chris and I had a long talk/sob session over it a couple days ago, and had other emotional talks today. I do believe he'll be there to catch me if I fall, and I mostly believe he'll succeed. Mostly.
Still.
I'm reading The Dark Tower. I'm finger ticking. My thought pattern is shifting. Tonight, all unbidden, words from Perks of Being a Wallflower floated up in my mind and went swimming around for a while. It is worrisome, to say the least.
Ha. But why say the least?
The weather is slow to change this year, and I have a great fear inside me that the Spring thaw may well wash me away on the tide of Spring Fever.
He's never seen me well and truly manic. It's probably the only thing he's not seen, in regards to me. As usual, I can't quite decide if this is unwarranted panic brought on by years of conditioning, or it's an awareness of truth.
I don't know.
I think most moments of most days I feel fine. Normal. But at night I've started feeling restless. And I can hear the difference in the speech pattern of my internal monologue.
I don't know.
So I guess I'll just have to have faith. Faith in Chris, and maybe even a little faith in myself.
I definitely have to stop looking back, though. Not that there's that much back there to see, but I get so curious. I need to stop social media stalking people I don't know anymore. It's funny, because I know Chris isn't bothered by things like that, wouldn't be upset that I've looked up exes - ex partners and ex friends - recently... but I feel guilty anyway. Which, I guess, is reason enough right there to stop, even without the rest of it. I just... it's irrational, and maybe no one else gets it, but I just hate the not knowing.
After all I've come through, though, what's one more bad habit to kick, neh?
Aside from the fear of the bipolar monster, and my right-this-moment over-the-top level of exhaustion, things are good. School is trucking along quite well, work sucks slightly less but I'm still looking, as is Chris (ouch... but that piece of diatribe is old and boring by now). I'm doing this 100 happy days challenge that's very cool. I recommend checking the idea out, you just go to 100happydays.com and they'll explain it. Mom and Aunt Nay are doing it with me, which rocks.
Wedding invites are sent, and my dress is ordered. Soon it'll be time to start making the center pieces and doing the other tail-end detail stuff. Playlist, vows. Rings, hahaha. Doing name stuff, if we're going to before the ceremony. It's all very exciting and very close, but also kind of far away, y'know? I bet you do.
Even closer than that, though, is Face's wedding! I'm stoked for that, for sure.
Okay, I think I finally wrote myself sleepy. I needed this; s'been too long. It's good to always have this place to come back to. Hahaha, as long as I don't, y'know, go back. I am at least sane and smart enough to not be reading old LJ entries. Fucking cheers to that, and with that thought, goodnight.
I've been looking at and thinking and feeling and breathing a lot of old things lately. It scares the hell out of me, tell you true, but not quite as badly as it did a couple days ago. Chris and I had a long talk/sob session over it a couple days ago, and had other emotional talks today. I do believe he'll be there to catch me if I fall, and I mostly believe he'll succeed. Mostly.
Still.
I'm reading The Dark Tower. I'm finger ticking. My thought pattern is shifting. Tonight, all unbidden, words from Perks of Being a Wallflower floated up in my mind and went swimming around for a while. It is worrisome, to say the least.
Ha. But why say the least?
The weather is slow to change this year, and I have a great fear inside me that the Spring thaw may well wash me away on the tide of Spring Fever.
He's never seen me well and truly manic. It's probably the only thing he's not seen, in regards to me. As usual, I can't quite decide if this is unwarranted panic brought on by years of conditioning, or it's an awareness of truth.
I don't know.
I think most moments of most days I feel fine. Normal. But at night I've started feeling restless. And I can hear the difference in the speech pattern of my internal monologue.
I don't know.
So I guess I'll just have to have faith. Faith in Chris, and maybe even a little faith in myself.
I definitely have to stop looking back, though. Not that there's that much back there to see, but I get so curious. I need to stop social media stalking people I don't know anymore. It's funny, because I know Chris isn't bothered by things like that, wouldn't be upset that I've looked up exes - ex partners and ex friends - recently... but I feel guilty anyway. Which, I guess, is reason enough right there to stop, even without the rest of it. I just... it's irrational, and maybe no one else gets it, but I just hate the not knowing.
After all I've come through, though, what's one more bad habit to kick, neh?
Aside from the fear of the bipolar monster, and my right-this-moment over-the-top level of exhaustion, things are good. School is trucking along quite well, work sucks slightly less but I'm still looking, as is Chris (ouch... but that piece of diatribe is old and boring by now). I'm doing this 100 happy days challenge that's very cool. I recommend checking the idea out, you just go to 100happydays.com and they'll explain it. Mom and Aunt Nay are doing it with me, which rocks.
Wedding invites are sent, and my dress is ordered. Soon it'll be time to start making the center pieces and doing the other tail-end detail stuff. Playlist, vows. Rings, hahaha. Doing name stuff, if we're going to before the ceremony. It's all very exciting and very close, but also kind of far away, y'know? I bet you do.
Even closer than that, though, is Face's wedding! I'm stoked for that, for sure.
Okay, I think I finally wrote myself sleepy. I needed this; s'been too long. It's good to always have this place to come back to. Hahaha, as long as I don't, y'know, go back. I am at least sane and smart enough to not be reading old LJ entries. Fucking cheers to that, and with that thought, goodnight.