NYE
It's the end of 2013! Well, it's not quite yet. Tomorrow at midnight will be the end of 2013, but I don't expect to be spending a whole lot of time sitting around on the internet tomorrow (it might still happen, but it's not actually a plan, if you get me), so I'm gonna go ahead and say it's the end of 2013.
This is supposed to be the year-end introspective, but I find myself with shockingly little to say. Not that this year hasn't been absolutely full of stuff and changes and amazing, but because I feel like I've said it all already. Still, though. It was a momentous year. It deserves something, neh?
I got engaged this year. I got engaged, hahaha. I moved to Queens, which no matter what anyone says still absolutely counts as New York City. I'm moving out again the very INSTANT the Universe allows me to, because I absolutely loathe living in the City, but I did in fact move up here. I pulled my cumulative GPA up so far that I was invited into, and then inducted into an International Honors Society. I learned an incredible amount about my family, myself, and my childhood. Most of it was very difficult and very upsetting, but all of it was valuable, and I have used the information I've learned to change and progress. I closed the door on someone whom I had called friend for years, but who was poisonous to everyone she interacted with, and when the opportunity came to mend that bridge, I chose not to. When someone else from my past whom I've held deep-seated negative feelings and longing for in about equal measures got in touch with me for the first time in years I... chose not to engage. I may not have done either of those last two things overly gracefully, but I did them nonetheless. Those were both really, incredibly huge steps forward for me. I've never been able to accept loss before, never been able to let go in any way shape or form. This year, for the first time ever, I did. Just a little bit. I broke three more phones this year, and at least a dozen pieces of glassware. That's nothing new for me, it just seems worthwhile to marvel. I had my first Christmas away from home, and it was wonderful. I changed jobs as well as locations, and it was terrifying, but also good. I went into Manhattan several times this year, and only had panic attacks twice. I think. Maybe three times. Still, I went into Manhattan more than once without having any panic attacks. I have not cut a single time this year. That might be a first for me since I was about 15. I don't think I've gone one whole year without cutting since I started. I got down to 138 pounds this year, beating the weight I had originally set for myself in 2012. I took four classes this year, and aced all of them.
I'm actually trying to think of things I failed at this year, to balance this list out and... I can't. I can think of bad moments. I cried a lot. A LOT. I had that thing where I feel like I'm going to jitter, shift, shatter, break apart into screaming pieces, like my mind is breaking into fragments of shards that will cut. I went through that... half a dozen times? Maybe? This year. Chris and I had fights. I had moments of doubt. I've been disappointed in myself, and in other people that I love. But I can't think of anything large enough to call a failure, or extreme enough to list as a negative. That bad moments of this year were all bad moments that are going to happen every year no matter what. They were just moments of not perfection. I don't feel like I failed myself or anyone else this year. How remarkable.
Most remarkable about this year is that I did not have any manic or depressive periods. Not a single one. Not this whole year. January to January, I am clean, cool, calm, and under control. Okay, hahahaha, that's a complete lie. Cool and calm are things I know nothing about. But I am clean, and I am under control. I didn't even really have hints of mania during the spring and summer months, and the hints of depression from September to November were just that - hints. Easily combated with a combination of vitamins, love, and self-aware work. I can't say that's the thing I'm happiest about this year, but it is the thing I'm most proud of.
Going into 2014 I find myself in a strange place of serenity within anxiety. So much about my life is up in the air right now, and will be up in the air for an up in the air amount of time. That's hard for me. I don't do well when I can't see the future very clearly. Chris is still looking for a job, which means we still don't know where or when we'll move, what will happen with school, how or where we'll get married... Every detail of my life is one giant question mark right now. There are moments that terrifies me. Mostly, though, it's not that bad. Details. So the details are uncertain. So what. I know that I will be married on May 24th of 2014. I know that I will spend the rest of my life with a man who sees me and loves me in a way I've always dreamed of, but never believed possible. We will get through anything. The whens and hows and wheres... they matter. I'd like to know them, to have them. But they don't matter as much as the simple fact of our existence together. That's all I need to know.
This is supposed to be the year-end introspective, but I find myself with shockingly little to say. Not that this year hasn't been absolutely full of stuff and changes and amazing, but because I feel like I've said it all already. Still, though. It was a momentous year. It deserves something, neh?
I got engaged this year. I got engaged, hahaha. I moved to Queens, which no matter what anyone says still absolutely counts as New York City. I'm moving out again the very INSTANT the Universe allows me to, because I absolutely loathe living in the City, but I did in fact move up here. I pulled my cumulative GPA up so far that I was invited into, and then inducted into an International Honors Society. I learned an incredible amount about my family, myself, and my childhood. Most of it was very difficult and very upsetting, but all of it was valuable, and I have used the information I've learned to change and progress. I closed the door on someone whom I had called friend for years, but who was poisonous to everyone she interacted with, and when the opportunity came to mend that bridge, I chose not to. When someone else from my past whom I've held deep-seated negative feelings and longing for in about equal measures got in touch with me for the first time in years I... chose not to engage. I may not have done either of those last two things overly gracefully, but I did them nonetheless. Those were both really, incredibly huge steps forward for me. I've never been able to accept loss before, never been able to let go in any way shape or form. This year, for the first time ever, I did. Just a little bit. I broke three more phones this year, and at least a dozen pieces of glassware. That's nothing new for me, it just seems worthwhile to marvel. I had my first Christmas away from home, and it was wonderful. I changed jobs as well as locations, and it was terrifying, but also good. I went into Manhattan several times this year, and only had panic attacks twice. I think. Maybe three times. Still, I went into Manhattan more than once without having any panic attacks. I have not cut a single time this year. That might be a first for me since I was about 15. I don't think I've gone one whole year without cutting since I started. I got down to 138 pounds this year, beating the weight I had originally set for myself in 2012. I took four classes this year, and aced all of them.
I'm actually trying to think of things I failed at this year, to balance this list out and... I can't. I can think of bad moments. I cried a lot. A LOT. I had that thing where I feel like I'm going to jitter, shift, shatter, break apart into screaming pieces, like my mind is breaking into fragments of shards that will cut. I went through that... half a dozen times? Maybe? This year. Chris and I had fights. I had moments of doubt. I've been disappointed in myself, and in other people that I love. But I can't think of anything large enough to call a failure, or extreme enough to list as a negative. That bad moments of this year were all bad moments that are going to happen every year no matter what. They were just moments of not perfection. I don't feel like I failed myself or anyone else this year. How remarkable.
Most remarkable about this year is that I did not have any manic or depressive periods. Not a single one. Not this whole year. January to January, I am clean, cool, calm, and under control. Okay, hahahaha, that's a complete lie. Cool and calm are things I know nothing about. But I am clean, and I am under control. I didn't even really have hints of mania during the spring and summer months, and the hints of depression from September to November were just that - hints. Easily combated with a combination of vitamins, love, and self-aware work. I can't say that's the thing I'm happiest about this year, but it is the thing I'm most proud of.
Going into 2014 I find myself in a strange place of serenity within anxiety. So much about my life is up in the air right now, and will be up in the air for an up in the air amount of time. That's hard for me. I don't do well when I can't see the future very clearly. Chris is still looking for a job, which means we still don't know where or when we'll move, what will happen with school, how or where we'll get married... Every detail of my life is one giant question mark right now. There are moments that terrifies me. Mostly, though, it's not that bad. Details. So the details are uncertain. So what. I know that I will be married on May 24th of 2014. I know that I will spend the rest of my life with a man who sees me and loves me in a way I've always dreamed of, but never believed possible. We will get through anything. The whens and hows and wheres... they matter. I'd like to know them, to have them. But they don't matter as much as the simple fact of our existence together. That's all I need to know.