Nuke Fic: Kissing the Truth - Part 4 (2nd part)
"So, what did happen last night?"
Jake sighs and wraps the blanket around his shoulders. “I don’t know. I remember being mad at you because you wouldn’t kiss me-“
“Wouldn’t kiss you? Jake, I wasn’t even there.”
Jake takes another drink from his bottle, feeling his headache ease to a dull roar as the painkillers finally kick in. “I know you weren’t and that was the problem.” He puts his bottle on the coffee table. “Van, I was kissing this guy-“
Van sits forward, his mouth an “O” of surprise. “Kissing this guy? What guy? I thought you just went out for drinks last night. I didn’t know you went out for kissing!”
“Well, duh, that was the whole point. To go out and kiss some guy to prove to you that I’m really gay so you’ll give me a chance to be your boyfriend.”
Van hops up and begins pacing across the living room. “You don’t prove you’re gay by kissing just one guy, Jake. It doesn’t work that way.”
Jake bites his lip, rubbing his chin absently. “Well, I don’t think it was just one guy.”
Van whirls around. “What?”
Jake looks up at him sheepishly. “And I’m not entirely sure it was just kissing either.”
“What the fuck, Jake? Are you a man whore now?” Van cocks his hands on his hips. “Do you go out every night to score random guys?”
“No,” Jake sneers. “Only on nights that end in y. Can we stop with the drama, please?”
“This isn’t drama, Jake. This is you sleeping your way around New York in the name of experimentation.”
Jake roars off the couch, splitting headache forgotten. He has had enough of this shit, enough of Van thinking he knows everything and everybody. He steps over the coffee table and points a finger hard in the other man’s face. “I am not experimenting, and even if I was, you were the one who told me to go out and do it.” He jab’s his finger into Van’s chest. “You flat out told me you didn’t want to be my first.”
Van falls back a step, confusion clouding his features. “Your first? Wait, what? Jake, did you…? Because I never said I didn’t want to be your first.”
Jake laughs bitterly and turns away. “Yeah, well, you may not have to worry about that. I’m not real sure but that position may have already been filled.”
“May have been filled?” Van reaches out and turns Jake around. “Trust me, Jake, if you really went all the way down Gay Lane last night, you’d know it for sure. It wouldn’t be quite so comfortable to ah, jump over the furniture like you just did.”
Jake shrugs. “I don’t know, I had so much alcohol flowing through me last night, maybe I’m still just numb and don’t even know my ass hurts.”
Van leads Jake back to the couch and sits. “Why were you drinking so much anyway? It’s not like you to get shitfaced when you’re with a bunch of people you don’t know…especially when you’re with a bunch of people you don’t know.”
Jake lowers his head and starts playing with his fingernails. “I was nervous.”
“Nervous, why? You’ve been to gay bars before.”
“I wasn’t nervous about going to the bar, Van. I was nervous because I was freaking out.”
“Freaking out, why?”
Jake looks up. “Because, Van, I was kissing this guy-“
Van growls through clenched teeth. “You’ve already said that.”
Jake continues, undeterred. “I was kissing this guy…and I didn’t like it. Matter of fact, it really sucked.”
Van jumps up from the couch yet again and points his finger at Jake. “Aha! I knew it! I knew you weren’t gay. I told you so.”
Jake shakes his head at Van. “Gee, I’m just loving the support and compassion I’m getting from you, Hansis. Really, your sympathy overwhelms me.”
Van sits down, turning sideways to face Jake and resting a hand on his shoulder. “Look, Jake, I’m sorry, I really am. Maybe the guy was just a really bad kisser or something, but I could have told you this was going to happen.” Van tenderly touches Jake’s cheek. “You aren’t gay.”
Jake pushes his hand away and gets up to get more water. “No, Van, you’re wrong. I am gay, I know that now. And Brian wasn’t a bad kisser, or at least I don’t think he was.”
“Goodie for Brian,” Van snarks as Jake reaches into the refrigerator.
Hearing Van’s tone, Jake stalks back, twisting the cap off angrily. “Matter of fact, he was a really good kisser because he actually opened his mouth once our lips met.” Jake stops at the hurt look in Van’s eyes. He’s so tired of all this, tired of the fighting and the yelling and the same old argument. All he wants to do is make Van understand once and for all what he really means. He sits down on the coffee table, his knees straddling Van’s. “Look, the reason it sucked so bad wasn’t because I didn’t want it or because I’m really not gay. The reason it sucked so bad was because it wasn’t you. Because I wasn’t kissing you.” He looks deep into Van’s eyes. “I wanted to be kissing you last night.”
“Jake, I-“
“No, Van, enough of this shit. I can’t help the way you make me feel…the way I want to make you feel.”
“Yeah, but, Jake, you can’t be gay if I’m the only one making you feel that way.”
Jake grabs Van’s knees in frustration. “Why not? And besides, what do you care? Are there rules to being gay I don’t know about? Because I never did get a handbook before you slammed the closet door in my face. I would think it would make you happy that you’re the only one making me feel this way. Isn’t that what being in a relationship is all about? Being committed to one person and one person only?”
“It is...you’re right, but….” Van falters.
“But what?”
“I just can’t help but think you really don’t know what you want. It’s only been a few months…you’ve only kissed one...”
Jake coughs not so discreetly into his fist.
“…okay, maybe more than one, guy. I mean, what if you decide one day I don’t make you feel this way anymore? What if you don’t want to be with guys any more?
Jake rubs Van’s leg soothingly. “Van, I can’t imagine not ever wanting to be with you. You’re all I-“
“But that’s just it, Jake.” He gets up one more time. “Up until about two months ago, you never could imagine being with me either. It’s all so sudden…it’s hard for me to believe you’re serious about this, about us.”
Jake gives up and throws himself on the cushion recently vacated by Van. “Then why did you try? Why did you even French me during the INS kiss, on-camera I might add, if you didn’t think I could be this way? If you didn’t want me to be this way?”
Van turns around to look at Jake. “Because I wanted you to be this way. My God, how I wanted you to by this way.” Van slaps his hand over his mouth, eyes opened wide in surprise. He spreads his fingers apart without removing them from his face. “Shit, did I just say that out loud?”
Jake walks over and does the “Noah”. Starting at Van’s shoulders, he runs his hands down the other man’s arms until he reaches his hands and twines their fingers together. He keeps turning and twirling his fingers with Van’s until they’re hopelessly knotted together. “Yes, you did. Quite loudly, in fact.”
Van untangles himself from Jake and turns away, crossing his arms tightly over his chest. “Yeah, well, I didn’t mean to. You weren’t supposed to hear that. Ever.”
Jake throws his hands up in the air, exasperated. “Why the fuck not, Van? Why is it such a bad thing that you want me? What are you so afraid of?”
Van whirls around, a flush spreading across his cheeks. “I’m not afraid!”
“Bullshit! Yes, you are.” Jake takes a step forward to grab Van, but Van beats him to it, takes a step into Jake’s space and gets right up in his face.
“Okay, fine, I am! I’m fucking terrified, okay? Is that what you want to hear?” His anger recedes as quickly as it came and Van deflates. He pulls his lower lip between his teeth and drops his head, slowly shaking it from side to side. He raises his hands, holding them slightly away from Jake’s chest as if he’s afraid to touch the man standing in front of him. Letting out a shaky breath, he lets them land softly on Jake’s t-shirt and smoothes them downward to rest on his hips. He raises his head and fixes Jake with a steady stare. “I want this, Jake. I want you…really want you. And not just in a ‘let’s do it like the monkeys do it’ kind of way.” He licks his lips and swallows. “I want you in a ‘hey…wouldn’t it be great to wake up together tomorrow…and the next day…and the day after that?’ kind of way. I want to love you, Jake. I want to be in love with you.”
Smiling, Jake grabs Van’s belt loops and pulls him closer until their hips are touching. “Then what’s stopping you, Hansis? I’m right here. Be in love with me already.”
“Because I have to be sure, Jake. I have to know you’re ready for this, ready to take on the whole gay thing and be with me…really be with me.” Van backs away from Jake, letting his hands fall to his sides. “If we start this, and you decide you really aren’t gay and you can’t …can’t be with me any more…it would kill me.”
He walks over to the mess on the coffee table and starts folding the clothes lying there, if you can call what he’s doing folding. More like balling and bunching. “I wouldn’t be able to be in the same room with you, never mind the same scene. Ratings would tank, the show would suck. Viewers would start a letter-writing campaign to break us up and get Noah a real boyfriend, and I’d be fired for ruining the country’s first gay Supercouple.”
Jake walks up behind Van and reaches around him to take the t-shirt he’s mangling from his hands. “So… I decide I’m not gay and suddenly you’re unemployed?”
“Jake, it’s not funny…”
Jake places his finger over Van’s lips, halting the flow of words. “Sshh, I know it’s not.” He cups the side of Van’s neck, rubbing his thumb back and forth slowly over his stubbled cheek. “What you’re afraid of has nothing to do with whether or not I’m gay.”
“Yes, it -“
Jake pinches Van’s lips closed between his thumb and forefinger. “Hush. I’m talking now.”
“Mmph!”
Jake removes his fingers, holding one up. “Enh! My apartment, my rules. Be quiet.”
Van sulks, crossing his arms and jutting one hip out. “Fine.”
“Thank you.”
Jake uncrosses Van’s arms and takes his hands. “What you’re afraid of is not that I’ll wake up one day without the gay gene dancing around in my body any more, but that I’ll wake up one day and not love you any more. That’s something everyone is afraid of Van, both gay and straight.”
Van flinches ever so slightly and looks away as Jake continues.
“I can’t promise you that won’t happen. I can’t promise you we’ll be together forever if we start this thing. Just like you can’t promise any thing like that to me.” He reaches forward and grabs Van’s chin, turning it so they’re looking eye to eye. “But what I can promise is that what I feel for you is the strongest thing I’ve ever felt in my entire life. It has absolutely nothing to do with what’s hanging between your legs and everything to do with what's in your heart. It’s not new. It’s not sudden. It’s not anything I haven’t been feeling for a while now.”
He release Van’s chin and runs his thumb softly over Van’s lips, mesmerized by their fullness. “It’s just that I didn’t realize until you kissed me, really kissed me, that what I was feeling was love. Love for another person who happens to be a man.” He laughs ruefully. “And, yeah, I freaked. Big time. But not because I don’t want to be gay, Van. But because of how much I wanted that kiss to continue. It was overwhelming. It still is.”
Van looks up at him imploringly. “Then why aren’t you scared? Why am I the only one freaking out about this?”
Jake chuckles. “Because you’re gay.”
“Excuse me? Hello?” Van waves his hand in front of Jake’s eyes. “Haven’t you just been pounding it into my head that you’re gay too?”
Jake nods his head. “I am and I have been, but you’ve got to remember this is my first time being in a gay relationship. I haven’t been hurt by a guy yet, maybe it’s different than a girl, I don’t know.”
“Yeah, well, I do and it sucks.” Van searches his eyes, looking for what, Jake doesn’t know. “Are you sure you really want this?” he says motioning between the two of them. “Are you sure you really want to be my boyfriend?”
Jake laughs, remembering the scene in the hospital where Luke asked Noah that very question. He recites the next line from memory. “Is that what you want? For me to be your boyfriend?”
Van stomps his foot. “Damnit, Jake, this isn’t funny. This isn’t a soap opera!”
Jake starts to get mad again. “Are you sure? Because it seems like one to me. You’re throwing as many obstacles into our path as the writers do for Luke and Noah. And, Van? You know what? I’m gonna tell you right now, I will not wait as long as Noah has.”
Van takes a step closer, pretending to shiver. “Ooh, are you threatening me now, gay-for-a-day boy? You gonna go out and find Brian again if I don’t give you what you want?”
Jake narrows his eyes, clenching his jaw tightly. “What I want is for you to stop coming up with every excuse in the book as to why we can’t be together.” He takes a step forward, forcing Van to step backward. “What I want is for you to kiss me.” Another step and Van’s pressed up against the wall. Jake grabs his hands and pins them up over his head. He slowly rolls himself against Van, starting at their knees, continuing with their hips and ending with the full contact of their chests. He lowers his head, getting this close to Van’s lips and whispering. “What I want is the truth.”
Van licks his lips and swallows loud enough for Jake to hear. “You can’t handle the truth.”
Jake smiles, a slow sexy smile. “Try me.”
Van moves the millimeter necessary for their lips to finally touch and Jake draws in a sharp breath. This is good but it’s not enough, it’s not what he wants. He licks Van’s bottom lip, praying this will be the time Van finally, finally, kisses him back and lets him in. He’s rewarded when Van whimpers and opens his mouth.
And, oh my god, the kiss is so good, so right, so everything Jake never knew he always wanted. He lets his tongue tangle with Van’s and presses harder, wishing he could just climb right in his mouth and stay there forever. He needs more of this. More pressure, more tongue, more of Van, and he releases his hands to wrap one arm around Van’s shoulders and the other low down around his waist, pulling them impossibly closer together.
Van’s mouth is so warm, so wet and his arms so strong around Jake’s back that Jake doesn’t know what to do next. He wants to let his hands roam all over Van’s body, to feel the way his ribs rise and fall as his chest heaves, to touch the muscles of his back as they clench and bunch, to drift lower and grab his ass to grind their hips together, but he can’t.
He can’t get past Van’s mouth and how it feels to be inside. Licking and sucking and tasting and inhaling everything at the same time while trying to memorize a feeling that changes and gets better with each passing second. He cups Van’s jaw roughly, his hands tracing the outline of their lips even as they’re still kissing and Van moans, pulling away just enough to grab one of Jake’s fingers to suck back into his mouth as he continues the kiss.
Jake has never felt anything so wet and so hot and he’s so impossibly hard, just like the first time he felt Van’s tongue in his mouth. The smooth slide of his cock inside the soft nylon of his shorts is amazing against the roughness of Van’s jeans and Jake grinds harder, driven by the noises coming from Van’s mouth. He reaches down to palm them both as much as he can with all the clothes in the way and Van moves his hips even faster, slamming himself into both Jake and his hand hard enough for Jake to see stars.
It doesn’t take long before it’s all too much; Van’s muffled cries against his mouth enough to send Jake right over the edge, biting down hard enough to draw blood as he comes all over his shorts. He finally breaks the kiss and rests his forehead against Van’s, both of them breathing hard and bonelessly leaning against the wall. Jake chuckles softly and opens his eyes as he feels Van placing small little kisses against his lips, his cheeks, even the tip of his nose. “So. How did I handle the truth?”
Van smiles and runs his hand through Jakes hair. “I’d say you handled it very well for your first day as a gay man.”
“Ooh, I’m a gay man now, thank you very much.” He kisses Van slowly, not with any real heat but lots of real promise. “Imagine how well I’d handle it as your boyfriend.” Another kiss. “In a bed.” Yet another kiss. “Lying down.”
He peels himself off Van and hooks his thumbs into his shorts to push them off and get away from their stickiness. He grabs Van’s hand and pulls him off the wall. “C’mon, Hansis, let’s go to bed. I’ve got a killer headache.” He turns to walk down the hall but Van doesn’t move. Jake looks back over his shoulder to find him standing there, slack-jawed, staring at his naked ass. “Van?”
The man in question stands still as a statue, apparently taking a picture because it lasts longer. Jake tries again.
“Hey, Van!” He jostles his hand and Van finally breaks eye contact with his ass long enough to look up at Jake.
“Huh?”
“You’re drooling. Close your mouth and come kiss me.”