#159
"Honestly answer me. Am i a terrible friend?"
"Yes"
That, more than anything, anything else in the world, has got to be one of the worst feelings ever. Your breath gets caught in your throat as you read that text, your heart feels some kind of raw stabbing pain and your head pounds repeatedly. Tears start pooling in your eyes, inviting along the mucus that comes with it. All these consecutively, simultaneously. Sending messages that you've fucked up so bad through every nerve impulse travelling from your neurons to your brain.
Indignation came first, "Why am I the terrible friend? What about you? Why am i always in the wrong, why do I always have to give in? What kind of a friendship is this, why the fuck is it always so one-sided?". Then little Conscience comes to say hi. "Indignation, i'll take her from here. Let me do my job." Guilt comes along after that. "Well, fuck having a conscience, that doesn't help much, you should let her feel the guilt then." And the guilt I felt; the guilt ate me up.
And just when you think they've fucked you up enough, Miss Self-Esteem joins in the chaos. "Asyikin? She deserves it. I'll take away every single one of my little friends in her and i'll destroy her, i'll destroy every bit of her till she has till she has no self worth, till she hates herself, till she has nothing left. I'll reduce her to nothing."
Funny thing for Miss Self-Esteem to say, I had reckoned then. At that time I'd already felt like I was nothing.
Maybe I like being a nothing. A nothing is a no-one and nobody cares about a no-one and a no-one doesn't hurt people time and time again or feel hurt and rage and anger. Nothing feels nice.