#351
Taken on the first (official) dress down day in 2013 - I was rocking my first school shirt, none other than the house tee, all excited for school....J1 days.
Heartbreaking, but this is not the first time someone has said that to me, in fact this has been a recurring remark especially towards the end of 2014. Honestly, I don't know how the Asyikin that I am now differs from the Asyikin that I was. I can't remember how I was like before some stupid boy came into my life and fucked me up badly. I am fully and painfully aware of the fact that I am the only party feeling this but I cannot seem to shake off the grip he has had on me.... I can't even explain why I am feeling this way. But I guess the best way to put it is that he has made such an impact on me that I am no longer the same person that I was, whatever that I was - the J1 Asyikin I guess.
You can mock me all you want, and believe me, even I laugh at my patheticness everyday for letting someone - whom I didnt even spend a significant time together with - shake me so badly. It's not like I want this to happen. It's not like I'm still in love, don't get me wrong. Its just that, when you were told once by someone whom you really love that you're not good enough for them, it really fucks you over. And it keeps haunting you, playing like a broken record, all through the rest of the year.
When someone says that they'll love you forever, you entrust a piece of your heart to them. But when suddenly forever ends I guess a part of you never returns, a piece of your heart kept forever with them.
This is not about the boy. This is about myself. I gave myself to him. And now I can't get it back. I am not....myself anymore. I don't know how to be myself anymore.
I am confused, I am alone, I am so so so afraid. I haven't been feeling like myself in the longest time and I dont know how much longer I can hold all these in before I break.
But i realise....I am not the exact same person that I was yesterday, and I won't be the same person tomorrow. We are all continuously changing, growing, learning. As much as I would love to be the idealist, carefree and romanticist girl of the past.... too much has happened and I cannot be completely who I was again, whatever that was.
To my friends, whoever that's left....please love me. Even when I am/have been moody or cranky or just downright horrible and hard to love please just hold on to
me. I am so sorry. I love you guys so so so much thank you so much for being there for me, thank you for knowing that i am still that silly girl deep inside. Thank you for staying. Hold on to me, have faith in me.
This post is all over the place. Just like me