One last post on this topic.
After reading all the comments, I've come to the conclusion that this does need one final post. If you don't accept my apology this time, that's your choice and I understand completely. But I won't be apologizing in posts after this, so take this or leave it.
I fucked up. Big time. I know I start petty little fights with friends, and I knew this before you guys brought it up, too - it's caused me problems in real life with friends before. I don't know what it is or where it comes from, but I have the natural instinct to bring wreckage to things that are going smoothly. I am a big drama queen (I know you know this) and it's most likely from just that: my dramatic tendencies.
I can blame this on the ship, but it wasn't the ship's fault. As many of you have said, the ship was just the domino that knocked into the others and caused them all to fall over. And we all fall down. But it's just that, the fact that there were problems behind the dominos, that is completely my fault. I don't know exactly what some people are angry at me for (if there's more than what you've told me), but I do know that what they're angry at me for is completely on the mark. You're right - this is my fault, I do get immature about fights, and I have a huge tendency to start fights/keep them going for absolutely no reason other than that I'm attracted to drama.
This all goes back to the fact that I want what I can't have. I think that's where the part of me that fucks up perfect things comes from. It's not good. I know that.
I could have reacted so much better in the whole situation, especially last night in the chat when I started acting like an idiot. (that was on purpose, FYI. I was so angry that I wanted to give you fuel. I regret it now.) And how disrespectful I've been to some people I called my closest friends? That, I think, is what I regret the most. Because none of you deserved any of it.
I love to be right. You know this, too, I'm sure. I have a huge problem admitting when I'm wrong, and that's also got a part in all of this. I couldn't just suck it up and admit that I was wrong in the whole situation - the meme, the cutting people from my list only because they were associated with people I thought might have bashed me, and the defriending of someone I called my best friend. While I wish you all hadn't gotten into the whole situation, I get where you're coming from. You were just trying to stick up for Maria, and I know I would've done the same thing if I was in your position.
If when I come back from hiatus, you still want time to think about all of this, that's fine. I'll give you that, no second thought needed. But what I do want is for you to forgive me eventually, because to lose all of you forever would really be the worst thing in this situation.
I fucked up. Big time. I know I start petty little fights with friends, and I knew this before you guys brought it up, too - it's caused me problems in real life with friends before. I don't know what it is or where it comes from, but I have the natural instinct to bring wreckage to things that are going smoothly. I am a big drama queen (I know you know this) and it's most likely from just that: my dramatic tendencies.
I can blame this on the ship, but it wasn't the ship's fault. As many of you have said, the ship was just the domino that knocked into the others and caused them all to fall over. And we all fall down. But it's just that, the fact that there were problems behind the dominos, that is completely my fault. I don't know exactly what some people are angry at me for (if there's more than what you've told me), but I do know that what they're angry at me for is completely on the mark. You're right - this is my fault, I do get immature about fights, and I have a huge tendency to start fights/keep them going for absolutely no reason other than that I'm attracted to drama.
This all goes back to the fact that I want what I can't have. I think that's where the part of me that fucks up perfect things comes from. It's not good. I know that.
I could have reacted so much better in the whole situation, especially last night in the chat when I started acting like an idiot. (that was on purpose, FYI. I was so angry that I wanted to give you fuel. I regret it now.) And how disrespectful I've been to some people I called my closest friends? That, I think, is what I regret the most. Because none of you deserved any of it.
I love to be right. You know this, too, I'm sure. I have a huge problem admitting when I'm wrong, and that's also got a part in all of this. I couldn't just suck it up and admit that I was wrong in the whole situation - the meme, the cutting people from my list only because they were associated with people I thought might have bashed me, and the defriending of someone I called my best friend. While I wish you all hadn't gotten into the whole situation, I get where you're coming from. You were just trying to stick up for Maria, and I know I would've done the same thing if I was in your position.
If when I come back from hiatus, you still want time to think about all of this, that's fine. I'll give you that, no second thought needed. But what I do want is for you to forgive me eventually, because to lose all of you forever would really be the worst thing in this situation.