gossip girl 3.13, the hurt locket
The Hurt Locket The Pound Puppies, a picspammy recap.
So we open this episode (which has only made me say "The Hurt Locket won Best Picture!" about a hundred times and no one knew better) with Serena. Remember Serena? Great hair, big smile, general airs of Golden Retrieverness?
Yup, Serena.
And of course Serena knows Damien, the Antichrist International Drug Dealer, from boarding school. Of course.
Meanwhile, Lily van der Woodsen has spent the break reading up on Motherhood and is worried about Jenny being alone in her room with boys. Jenny points out that if they wanted to have sex, they'd get a hotel room, which... pretty much, yeah.
This here is the first sign there is something sinister about this episode. Jenny Humphrey is right.
Don't make that face at me.
So the International Drug Dealer brings her treats. This here is why every time I invite people back to my van, no one believes I have real candy back there. Thanks a lot, International Drug Dealer.
Serena is staying at Blair's house. I have no idea why, except for all the loud sex they can have while Dorota is out of town. She runs into Nate. Remember Nate? Boy hair, big smile, general airs of Golden Retrieverness?
Yup, Nate.
Let me just go ahead and say that Serena/Nate was one couple that I could not find interesting at all, but that was before I realized their full potential as Golden Retrievers In Love. Look at them.
Squirrel!
They hump a lot.
I died a little with this scene. LOOK AT OLD LADY DAN, JUDGING HIS BEST GIRLFRIEND FOR BEING LATE. You guys, I miss you when you're gone.
"Oh, you invited Vanessa here too?" LOOK HOW INVESTED HE IS. Nate loves some great gossip.
Dan confesses he read a bunch of self-help books about turning friends into lovers. It's like that one time he tried to help Serena and Blair fix their issues and there was funny syph. But mostly Nate doesn't understand why he needs books when they already did the friends/lovers thing.
Also, Serena and Nate: Wonder Dogs? Exactly the big dumb puppies we always thought them to be. First Nate takes advice on how to date Serena from his boyfriend/best girlfriend.
...Then Serena takes advice on how to date Nate from her wife/owner, who, by the way, can tell how you look like when you've had sex, Serena. Der.
Except Serena is Serena and I'm pretty sure her mind just wandered right there, from "How Do I Date Nate" to "How Do I Get Blair Naked in A Bathroom Stall." I think they make cards for that.
Then they have a conversation where Blair makes faces and comes up with an elaborate metaphor comparing Serena to ice cream and talks about how everyone needs to play games and- okay, I think she was mostly trying to beat Serena to the naked part.
"That's the worst advice I've ever heard." Der.
Jenny Humphrey is up to something.
*chinhands*
*twirls hair*
Also, I love how Nate is like, "Yeah, I don't know how to read. It's pretty sweet. What's an eugoogly?"
They hump a lot
And get cockblocked by their other girlfriends/boyfriends. Oh, you two.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Rufus is being an asshat and not talking to Lily over something he doesn't even know if she did or not. Why is this cap even here? Because Old Lady Dan is putting all those self-help books to work again!
And also because Dan told him to go make his own damn waffles. LOLLL. Poor Rufus, first no guitar lessons, then banned from the Winter Olympics, now his children don't want to raise him anymore.
At the French embassy, a bunch of people from a bunch of countries show up...
...And also Serena, whose outfit seems to be held together literally by a thread.
So you have the Castle Embassy full of Kings and Queens ambassadors and a Princess Serena. What could be missing in this scenario?
THE DISNEY VILLAIN. Why, Maleficent, just how stupid do you think we are?
Never mind.
But there is still something sinister in this episode.
"You followed my sex advice!" Actually, she said something about games and sexual innuendo. My mind went all Serena after that.
"Blair, you know you don't need Chuck. Anyone that meets you can see you're an elitist snob who's perfect to run a secret society." Guys, this is how you talk dirty to Blair Waldorf. Look how happy she is. It's even better than when they roleplay student/Yale Dean of Admissions.
Merci!
Je m'appelle Evil Mastermind.
I see London, I see France, I see Serena's... wearing shorts?
On the one hand, I'm happy he came back to apologize. On the other hand, I'm pissed that she dropped whatever she was doing and went after him. On my freaky third hand, I'm pissed that I can't even be properly pissed about her dropping whatever she was doing, because what she was doing was silly. Blair, the easiest way to get a secret society exactly where you want it is to borrow Vanessa's camera and yell, "Say repressed homosexuality!"
Now Nate's all "Dude, Dan sucks" (Der) and Jenny points out you shouldn't take advice from someone who owns a cabbage patch kid. Jenny is, once again, right. SOMETHING SINISTER, I TELL YOU.
They hump a lot.
Jenny taunts the Antichrist about not having any fun. Because she's having one hell of a time (pun!) And he shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss her.
SO SHE FIXES EVERYTHING BY POINTING OUT THE JACKET IS ON THE FLOOR, WHAT EVEN.
Camilla Rhodes tries to pull a "I'm sorry, I'm not who you think you are" on Prince Charles from the House of Mommy Issues...
...except Blair is having none of that crap. She watched that movie before, Rita.
And now Jenny does not bow down to the guy she likes. OKAY, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I WAS WRONG. A) Jenny ~tells it like it is. B) Jenny disses Cedric. C) Jenny makes people work for it. Here's what's sinister about this episode: SHE STOLE BLAIR'S MOJO.
I can't believe I thought she was Maleficent, the ~truth was right in front of me. One season ago, in episode 2.12, Jenny was full-on Disney Villain and used her Magic Medallion to intimidate Vanessa.
Exhibit A
Now, for episode 3.13, aptly titled The Hurt Locket, Jenny is full-on Disney Villain and Vanessa has VANISHED. Not only that, but Jenny appears to have stolen Blair's mojo and is now using it to her own nefarious plans. Clearly, I picked the wrong Disney Villain.
Exhibit B
CLEARLY.
I still hate them, but awwww.
In conclusion, you may think this episode is about Chuck's Mommy Issues or Nate and Serena's Excellent Pound Puppy Adventure.
But it's really a call for Chuck to do the right thing while there's still time AND DESTROY THE LOCKET.
Or else.
PS: Speaking of Maleficent, at least my mistake has caused an unexpected revelation. Obviously, the Sword of Truth has been traditionally wielded by men too dumb to fight on their own. Or something.
So we open this episode (which has only made me say "The Hurt Locket won Best Picture!" about a hundred times and no one knew better) with Serena. Remember Serena? Great hair, big smile, general airs of Golden Retrieverness?
Yup, Serena.
And of course Serena knows Damien, the Antichrist International Drug Dealer, from boarding school. Of course.
Meanwhile, Lily van der Woodsen has spent the break reading up on Motherhood and is worried about Jenny being alone in her room with boys. Jenny points out that if they wanted to have sex, they'd get a hotel room, which... pretty much, yeah.
This here is the first sign there is something sinister about this episode. Jenny Humphrey is right.
Don't make that face at me.
So the International Drug Dealer brings her treats. This here is why every time I invite people back to my van, no one believes I have real candy back there. Thanks a lot, International Drug Dealer.
Serena is staying at Blair's house. I have no idea why, except for all the loud sex they can have while Dorota is out of town. She runs into Nate. Remember Nate? Boy hair, big smile, general airs of Golden Retrieverness?
Yup, Nate.
Let me just go ahead and say that Serena/Nate was one couple that I could not find interesting at all, but that was before I realized their full potential as Golden Retrievers In Love. Look at them.
Squirrel!
They hump a lot.
I died a little with this scene. LOOK AT OLD LADY DAN, JUDGING HIS BEST GIRLFRIEND FOR BEING LATE. You guys, I miss you when you're gone.
"Oh, you invited Vanessa here too?" LOOK HOW INVESTED HE IS. Nate loves some great gossip.
Dan confesses he read a bunch of self-help books about turning friends into lovers. It's like that one time he tried to help Serena and Blair fix their issues and there was funny syph. But mostly Nate doesn't understand why he needs books when they already did the friends/lovers thing.
Also, Serena and Nate: Wonder Dogs? Exactly the big dumb puppies we always thought them to be. First Nate takes advice on how to date Serena from his boyfriend/best girlfriend.
...Then Serena takes advice on how to date Nate from her wife/owner, who, by the way, can tell how you look like when you've had sex, Serena. Der.
Except Serena is Serena and I'm pretty sure her mind just wandered right there, from "How Do I Date Nate" to "How Do I Get Blair Naked in A Bathroom Stall." I think they make cards for that.
Then they have a conversation where Blair makes faces and comes up with an elaborate metaphor comparing Serena to ice cream and talks about how everyone needs to play games and- okay, I think she was mostly trying to beat Serena to the naked part.
"That's the worst advice I've ever heard." Der.
Jenny Humphrey is up to something.
*chinhands*
*twirls hair*
Also, I love how Nate is like, "Yeah, I don't know how to read. It's pretty sweet. What's an eugoogly?"
They hump a lot
And get cockblocked by their other girlfriends/boyfriends. Oh, you two.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Rufus is being an asshat and not talking to Lily over something he doesn't even know if she did or not. Why is this cap even here? Because Old Lady Dan is putting all those self-help books to work again!
And also because Dan told him to go make his own damn waffles. LOLLL. Poor Rufus, first no guitar lessons, then banned from the Winter Olympics, now his children don't want to raise him anymore.
At the French embassy, a bunch of people from a bunch of countries show up...
...And also Serena, whose outfit seems to be held together literally by a thread.
So you have the Castle Embassy full of Kings and Queens ambassadors and a Princess Serena. What could be missing in this scenario?
THE DISNEY VILLAIN. Why, Maleficent, just how stupid do you think we are?
Never mind.
But there is still something sinister in this episode.
"You followed my sex advice!" Actually, she said something about games and sexual innuendo. My mind went all Serena after that.
"Blair, you know you don't need Chuck. Anyone that meets you can see you're an elitist snob who's perfect to run a secret society." Guys, this is how you talk dirty to Blair Waldorf. Look how happy she is. It's even better than when they roleplay student/Yale Dean of Admissions.
Merci!
Je m'appelle Evil Mastermind.
I see London, I see France, I see Serena's... wearing shorts?
On the one hand, I'm happy he came back to apologize. On the other hand, I'm pissed that she dropped whatever she was doing and went after him. On my freaky third hand, I'm pissed that I can't even be properly pissed about her dropping whatever she was doing, because what she was doing was silly. Blair, the easiest way to get a secret society exactly where you want it is to borrow Vanessa's camera and yell, "Say repressed homosexuality!"
Now Nate's all "Dude, Dan sucks" (Der) and Jenny points out you shouldn't take advice from someone who owns a cabbage patch kid. Jenny is, once again, right. SOMETHING SINISTER, I TELL YOU.
They hump a lot.
Jenny taunts the Antichrist about not having any fun. Because she's having one hell of a time (pun!) And he shouldn't have been so quick to dismiss her.
SO SHE FIXES EVERYTHING BY POINTING OUT THE JACKET IS ON THE FLOOR, WHAT EVEN.
Camilla Rhodes tries to pull a "I'm sorry, I'm not who you think you are" on Prince Charles from the House of Mommy Issues...
...except Blair is having none of that crap. She watched that movie before, Rita.
And now Jenny does not bow down to the guy she likes. OKAY, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. I WAS WRONG. A) Jenny ~tells it like it is. B) Jenny disses Cedric. C) Jenny makes people work for it. Here's what's sinister about this episode: SHE STOLE BLAIR'S MOJO.
I can't believe I thought she was Maleficent, the ~truth was right in front of me. One season ago, in episode 2.12, Jenny was full-on Disney Villain and used her Magic Medallion to intimidate Vanessa.
Exhibit A
Now, for episode 3.13, aptly titled The Hurt Locket, Jenny is full-on Disney Villain and Vanessa has VANISHED. Not only that, but Jenny appears to have stolen Blair's mojo and is now using it to her own nefarious plans. Clearly, I picked the wrong Disney Villain.
Exhibit B
CLEARLY.
I still hate them, but awwww.
In conclusion, you may think this episode is about Chuck's Mommy Issues or Nate and Serena's Excellent Pound Puppy Adventure.
But it's really a call for Chuck to do the right thing while there's still time AND DESTROY THE LOCKET.
Or else.
PS: Speaking of Maleficent, at least my mistake has caused an unexpected revelation. Obviously, the Sword of Truth has been traditionally wielded by men too dumb to fight on their own. Or something.