gossip girl 2.14, in the realm of the basses
In the Realm of the Basses Meester, a picspammy recap not from the future, this time around. Boo!
Okay, I liked this episode. No, really. Possibly because I was having withdrawals so I would've accepted anything as long as Leighton was awesome in it.
GG: "Word is, Serena van der Woodsen tangoed in the New Year..."
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: No, she didn't.
So. What has happened since the New Year?
Why, Dan Humphrey still has no life (I fully expect to learn he wrote a story entitled "12.31.08", including charming passages like "It was 2009, the ball dropped and so did my heart. Charlie Trout was gone. Selena did not call." IDK, I CAN'T EVEN COPY HIM)
Little J has gone back to the good side. BUT. Do not be fooled, little grasshopper, her roots are still dark.
Eric is officially the token gay sidekick.
Blair's got mail. Remains adorable while doing so.
Pete Doherty guest stars.
Dorota: "Miss Blair they must take you as member."
Blair: "They must do nothing Dorota."
Blair, darling. Read between the lines. Your former KGB agent and current stepmother/maid can make them take you as a member. Or else.
Blair: "It's the first step to building the kind of life I want. One without..."
Dorota: "Mister Chuck?"
Blair: "Shhhhh"
Dorota: "Shhhh"
LOLOLOLOL. *hugs the TV*
(is that supposed to mean Blair at some moment wanted to build a life with Chuck? Darling, he's right. Let go of your fantasies. LOLOLOLOL)
Also, Dorota? Not nosy at all.
Also (2 HITS), I loved how Dorota grabbed Blair's coat and ran after her.
Jenny: "In the past four months I faced Eleanor Waldorf, I hijacked a society gala, I had my entire collection torched by a crazy model and was basically homeless, so I can handle high school." You're forgetting the part where you teamed up with Maleficent and fought Vanessa for the human dildo. It's okay, Little J. If I were you, I would've rode me a little harder I would've left that part out too.
Careful girls, you don't know who you're messing with. If there's a thing I've learned from Cruella De Vil, it's that Disney Villains are never fully reformed. And Hazel! <3
See? Never fully reformed. Look at her dark roots showing. *cowers*
Nelly! What happened, girlfriend? You almost saw through Blair's advances last year, now you're Penelope's bitch? I mean, Penelope? Downgrade.
Jack Bass. Making my skeevy senses tingle.
PS: Dorota? *hugs the TV again* And aw, Blair. Look at you trying not to be vulnerable while inexplicably falling apart. *just lets the TV sit on her lap already*
*dramatic sigh of drama* WHERE IS LEXIE THE EX-IE. I do not approve of this bullshit. And lol at Serena breaking up with Aaron on the flight. It totally went like this: his body odor started getting on her nerves, then he wanted to borrow her pillow and she was like NUH UH. And that was the end of it.
But of course Serena isn't going to tell Dan that. He needs to feel important, otherwise how will he judge people? God. They're still talking while I type this. How rude. *twirls hair*
Oops.
Serena: B! I missed you so much.
Blair: Not as much as I missed you.
Not as much as I missed you two being huge gaymos. *pout*
Blair: I did something so stupid. I told Chuck I loved him. (awww)
Serena: Oh my Gosh, that's great! Since when am I so supportive of this relationship!
Blair: I could just- go back and strangle myself as the words come out. (awww)
Serena: No, I'm sure Chuck will say it back. I hit my head in Argentina.
Blair: "There's something else... I bailed Georgina out in a moment of weakness and had sex with her on New Years."
Dan: "Hey."
Serena: "Oh. Hey. This is my news. When I was in Buenos Aires-"
Blair: "A postcard would've been fine. I'm really happy for you. I'm gonna go vomit now." Blair. BLAIR. <3
Once more with gifs.
BLAIR.
See, it's not only Serena who can make accurate depictions of my face as I watch things. This lovechild better be outrageous, because, seriously? Blah blah MY child, Rufus? It's scientific fact that the Humphrey Y chromosomes carry the douchebag trait (you see how Jenny isn't a douche, just evil), do you really want to worsen it by exposing this lovechild to you and your douchebag son? Smoke it up. Feed the ducks. Let it be.
I still can't believe Jenny's course of action was to say "UH. STOP." Obviously, if right from the start she had just told Blair that no, she would not move down a couple steps, because that was mean, everything would've been settled. Queens and Wannabe Queens are understanding that way.
Penelope: "Hazel, clean my shoe." LOL HAZEL. My new campaign after Dexie: HAZEL FOR QUEEN.
You know Chuck Bass is messed up when he's not wearing a bow tie or anything outrageously purple. I bet he even forgot to feed his monkey.
Blair: "Who are you?"
Chuck: Batman "Prince Charles Emonuel Conflictus of the Imperial House of Brooding."
Those fucking gypsies cursing people with souls left and right. Ugh.
Dan: "Hey dad. Uh, Serena's just..." BEING ADORABLE. And retarded.
Rufus does not approve of this bullshit.
Aw, they actually looked kinda happy here. WAIT. NO. MY ICY HEART WILL NOT FALTER.
Prince Charles Emonuel Conflictus I. No court of law can find him guilty of a crime.
I feel like Queller looks different. Maybe she lost weight. Maybe the kink meme has ruined my ability to look at her without snickering. Maybe I should stop talking before I give people ideas I will regret.
Poor Blair. And lol Jack Bass, you- you.
Again, Chuck and that stupid hair and that stupid outfit? Can you imagine how splendid this would've been with a bow tie and... satin? And maybe some unexpected suspenders.
Jenny: "Dad. Serena's like the best thing that's ever happened to Dan. And she's smart, she's funny and she's, like, nine levels hotter than him."
Dan: "Well great, now my sister's in love with her too."
Face it Dan. Your girlfriend is a pussy magnet.
Pictured: Pussy magnetism.
LOL. High School Althingi. Let Queen B decide who should pay 5 goats to whom.
Hazel: "Some of the things I had to do? Disgusting."
Blair: "Oh, I remember. I made you do them."
In other words, the Waldorf Method™ of breaking new subjects, as tested on one S. van der Woodsen, comprises four stages:
1. Bondage & Discipline.
2. Dominance & Submission.
3. Sadism & Masochism.
4. Sunday Breakfast & Audrey.
*purrs*
Except oh, no. Blair grew up past this high school nonsense. Who's going to lead the pack? And most importantly:
Hazel: "God, P. Tone down the crazy." HAZEL FOR QUEEN.
HUG HER, SERENA. DO SOMETHING.
NO, NOT THAT! GOD.
Blair, you're better than this. Blair Waldorf is not a stop along the way, she's a destination. You're not supposed to take a damn cab and crawl after people who aren't as manipulative and awesome as they used to be.
Oh my God, Serena and Dan? Modern Day Watson & Holmes? LOVES IT. Except for the part where Serena is not as excellent solving adoption-related mysteries as she is dealing with drug busts and helping the CIA.
She totally went when Blair called. Oh, Serena. You're back. And your hair remains awesome.
And the true mystery is cracked. Adoption agencies schmagencies, try a hand-made SPOTTED. Rufus Humphrey, YOU ARE GOSSIP GIRL.
She turns it on. She turns it off. Pwnage ensues.
Nelly: "She's probably afraid I'll tell people she's sleeping with her dad's junior partner."
And her nose job. NELLY. YUKI. ALL THIS TIME YOU WERE GRETCHEN WIENERS.
Serena, do you honestly expect to reason with someone wearing that beret? No court of law can find her guilty of a crime while wearing that beret. It's temporary insanity.
You just know she actually doesn't care if Blair saves Chuck or not, because she's secretly thinking "So if I fuck up again, you're just gonna drop me?" and clutching her heart. Totally.
And, okay, I know I'm supposed to bitch that "OMG Dan is rubbing off on you", but I was whipped by my kitten. jacket!tie!Blake? Approved.
I was thoroughly annoyed by the couple making out behind Dan through the ENTIRE DURATION OF THIS SCENE.
Blair: "I frequently feed the ducks in Central Park... and read to blind children." LOL
Oh, catty Colony girls. First you attack Serena, then you mention her boobs (LOL) and then you attack Chuck? What else? Say you disapprove of gay Lex Luthor and people named Dorota?
Suck it, bitches.
Why, I can no longer see your dark roots, Little J. I guess you've truly joined Team Sunshine and Goodness.
She got drunk and hooked up with her cousin. TWICE. I knew I loved her for a reason. SETH MOSAKOWSKI IS A GOOD KISSER, OKAY?
DRUNKEN TOUCHY UNCLE. WOO! He's so handsy that if he were a pirate I'd suspect he was actually Blake in drag. And Chuck has a thing for rooftops! It's where he goes to rape people and write even more soulful music to test on Blair's piano later (or perhaps sing on the ledge?)
YOU DON'T SURPRISE SOMEONE STANDING ON THE EDGE OF A BUILDING. Except Skeeve Louise would probably secretly love it if Chuck died and all the money ended up in his hands instead. WOULDN'T YOU, LOUISE?
Don't do it to her. Don't do it to the viewers who'll have to watch you do it to her. Though "Please?" and whatnot? Super cute. WAIT. NO. MY ICY HEART WILL NOT FALTER.
Can you imagine if it'd been Vanessa who had to keep the adoption secret? "BUT I HAVE IT ON CAMERA!" lol. And then Serena is clueless and warm while Dan tries to swallow word vomit. Kinda hard to party after the pseudo-incest bomb drops.
And Blair has a New Year secret.
In conclusion, Nate Archibald is irrelevant to this series and Leighton Meester pwns the world.
Okay, I liked this episode. No, really. Possibly because I was having withdrawals so I would've accepted anything as long as Leighton was awesome in it.
GG: "Word is, Serena van der Woodsen tangoed in the New Year..."
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: No, she didn't.
So. What has happened since the New Year?
Why, Dan Humphrey still has no life (I fully expect to learn he wrote a story entitled "12.31.08", including charming passages like "It was 2009, the ball dropped and so did my heart. Charlie Trout was gone. Selena did not call." IDK, I CAN'T EVEN COPY HIM)
Little J has gone back to the good side. BUT. Do not be fooled, little grasshopper, her roots are still dark.
Eric is officially the token gay sidekick.
Blair's got mail. Remains adorable while doing so.
Pete Doherty guest stars.
Dorota: "Miss Blair they must take you as member."
Blair: "They must do nothing Dorota."
Blair, darling. Read between the lines. Your former KGB agent and current stepmother/maid can make them take you as a member. Or else.
Blair: "It's the first step to building the kind of life I want. One without..."
Dorota: "Mister Chuck?"
Blair: "Shhhhh"
Dorota: "Shhhh"
LOLOLOLOL. *hugs the TV*
(is that supposed to mean Blair at some moment wanted to build a life with Chuck? Darling, he's right. Let go of your fantasies. LOLOLOLOL)
Also, Dorota? Not nosy at all.
Also (2 HITS), I loved how Dorota grabbed Blair's coat and ran after her.
Jenny: "In the past four months I faced Eleanor Waldorf, I hijacked a society gala, I had my entire collection torched by a crazy model and was basically homeless, so I can handle high school." You're forgetting the part where you teamed up with Maleficent and fought Vanessa for the human dildo. It's okay, Little J. If I were you, I would've rode me a little harder I would've left that part out too.
Careful girls, you don't know who you're messing with. If there's a thing I've learned from Cruella De Vil, it's that Disney Villains are never fully reformed. And Hazel! <3
See? Never fully reformed. Look at her dark roots showing. *cowers*
Nelly! What happened, girlfriend? You almost saw through Blair's advances last year, now you're Penelope's bitch? I mean, Penelope? Downgrade.
Jack Bass. Making my skeevy senses tingle.
PS: Dorota? *hugs the TV again* And aw, Blair. Look at you trying not to be vulnerable while inexplicably falling apart. *just lets the TV sit on her lap already*
*dramatic sigh of drama* WHERE IS LEXIE THE EX-IE. I do not approve of this bullshit. And lol at Serena breaking up with Aaron on the flight. It totally went like this: his body odor started getting on her nerves, then he wanted to borrow her pillow and she was like NUH UH. And that was the end of it.
But of course Serena isn't going to tell Dan that. He needs to feel important, otherwise how will he judge people? God. They're still talking while I type this. How rude. *twirls hair*
Oops.
Serena: B! I missed you so much.
Blair: Not as much as I missed you.
Not as much as I missed you two being huge gaymos. *pout*
Blair: I did something so stupid. I told Chuck I loved him. (awww)
Serena: Oh my Gosh, that's great! Since when am I so supportive of this relationship!
Blair: I could just- go back and strangle myself as the words come out. (awww)
Serena: No, I'm sure Chuck will say it back. I hit my head in Argentina.
Blair: "There's something else... I bailed Georgina out in a moment of weakness and had sex with her on New Years."
Dan: "Hey."
Serena: "Oh. Hey. This is my news. When I was in Buenos Aires-"
Blair: "A postcard would've been fine. I'm really happy for you. I'm gonna go vomit now." Blair. BLAIR. <3
Once more with gifs.
BLAIR.
See, it's not only Serena who can make accurate depictions of my face as I watch things. This lovechild better be outrageous, because, seriously? Blah blah MY child, Rufus? It's scientific fact that the Humphrey Y chromosomes carry the douchebag trait (you see how Jenny isn't a douche, just evil), do you really want to worsen it by exposing this lovechild to you and your douchebag son? Smoke it up. Feed the ducks. Let it be.
I still can't believe Jenny's course of action was to say "UH. STOP." Obviously, if right from the start she had just told Blair that no, she would not move down a couple steps, because that was mean, everything would've been settled. Queens and Wannabe Queens are understanding that way.
Penelope: "Hazel, clean my shoe." LOL HAZEL. My new campaign after Dexie: HAZEL FOR QUEEN.
You know Chuck Bass is messed up when he's not wearing a bow tie or anything outrageously purple. I bet he even forgot to feed his monkey.
Blair: "Who are you?"
Chuck: Batman "Prince Charles Emonuel Conflictus of the Imperial House of Brooding."
Those fucking gypsies cursing people with souls left and right. Ugh.
Dan: "Hey dad. Uh, Serena's just..." BEING ADORABLE. And retarded.
Rufus does not approve of this bullshit.
Aw, they actually looked kinda happy here. WAIT. NO. MY ICY HEART WILL NOT FALTER.
Prince Charles Emonuel Conflictus I. No court of law can find him guilty of a crime.
I feel like Queller looks different. Maybe she lost weight. Maybe the kink meme has ruined my ability to look at her without snickering. Maybe I should stop talking before I give people ideas I will regret.
Poor Blair. And lol Jack Bass, you- you.
Again, Chuck and that stupid hair and that stupid outfit? Can you imagine how splendid this would've been with a bow tie and... satin? And maybe some unexpected suspenders.
Jenny: "Dad. Serena's like the best thing that's ever happened to Dan. And she's smart, she's funny and she's, like, nine levels hotter than him."
Dan: "Well great, now my sister's in love with her too."
Face it Dan. Your girlfriend is a pussy magnet.
Pictured: Pussy magnetism.
LOL. High School Althingi. Let Queen B decide who should pay 5 goats to whom.
Hazel: "Some of the things I had to do? Disgusting."
Blair: "Oh, I remember. I made you do them."
In other words, the Waldorf Method™ of breaking new subjects, as tested on one S. van der Woodsen, comprises four stages:
1. Bondage & Discipline.
2. Dominance & Submission.
3. Sadism & Masochism.
4. Sunday Breakfast & Audrey.
*purrs*
Except oh, no. Blair grew up past this high school nonsense. Who's going to lead the pack? And most importantly:
Hazel: "God, P. Tone down the crazy." HAZEL FOR QUEEN.
HUG HER, SERENA. DO SOMETHING.
NO, NOT THAT! GOD.
Blair, you're better than this. Blair Waldorf is not a stop along the way, she's a destination. You're not supposed to take a damn cab and crawl after people who aren't as manipulative and awesome as they used to be.
Oh my God, Serena and Dan? Modern Day Watson & Holmes? LOVES IT. Except for the part where Serena is not as excellent solving adoption-related mysteries as she is dealing with drug busts and helping the CIA.
She totally went when Blair called. Oh, Serena. You're back. And your hair remains awesome.
And the true mystery is cracked. Adoption agencies schmagencies, try a hand-made SPOTTED. Rufus Humphrey, YOU ARE GOSSIP GIRL.
She turns it on. She turns it off. Pwnage ensues.
Nelly: "She's probably afraid I'll tell people she's sleeping with her dad's junior partner."
And her nose job. NELLY. YUKI. ALL THIS TIME YOU WERE GRETCHEN WIENERS.
Serena, do you honestly expect to reason with someone wearing that beret? No court of law can find her guilty of a crime while wearing that beret. It's temporary insanity.
You just know she actually doesn't care if Blair saves Chuck or not, because she's secretly thinking "So if I fuck up again, you're just gonna drop me?" and clutching her heart. Totally.
And, okay, I know I'm supposed to bitch that "OMG Dan is rubbing off on you", but I was whipped by my kitten. jacket!tie!Blake? Approved.
I was thoroughly annoyed by the couple making out behind Dan through the ENTIRE DURATION OF THIS SCENE.
Blair: "I frequently feed the ducks in Central Park... and read to blind children." LOL
Oh, catty Colony girls. First you attack Serena, then you mention her boobs (LOL) and then you attack Chuck? What else? Say you disapprove of gay Lex Luthor and people named Dorota?
Suck it, bitches.
Why, I can no longer see your dark roots, Little J. I guess you've truly joined Team Sunshine and Goodness.
She got drunk and hooked up with her cousin. TWICE. I knew I loved her for a reason. SETH MOSAKOWSKI IS A GOOD KISSER, OKAY?
DRUNKEN TOUCHY UNCLE. WOO! He's so handsy that if he were a pirate I'd suspect he was actually Blake in drag. And Chuck has a thing for rooftops! It's where he goes to rape people and write even more soulful music to test on Blair's piano later (or perhaps sing on the ledge?)
YOU DON'T SURPRISE SOMEONE STANDING ON THE EDGE OF A BUILDING. Except Skeeve Louise would probably secretly love it if Chuck died and all the money ended up in his hands instead. WOULDN'T YOU, LOUISE?
Don't do it to her. Don't do it to the viewers who'll have to watch you do it to her. Though "Please?" and whatnot? Super cute. WAIT. NO. MY ICY HEART WILL NOT FALTER.
Can you imagine if it'd been Vanessa who had to keep the adoption secret? "BUT I HAVE IT ON CAMERA!" lol. And then Serena is clueless and warm while Dan tries to swallow word vomit. Kinda hard to party after the pseudo-incest bomb drops.
And Blair has a New Year secret.
In conclusion, Nate Archibald is irrelevant to this series and Leighton Meester pwns the world.