FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL
*
This is the first day of school.
I'm tired of waiting for other people to teach me what I want to know. So many others have stopped learning. Stopped growing. Stopped moving. And I, too, stand still.
But I do not want to remain motionless. I do not want to be here. I want to get where I've always been going, and I want to be there soon.
It is true - I am frustrated by other people. With a little help I could be so much further along. I can do just about anything, but I can't do much of it alone.
I am irritated by those with no vision, those who can't see ahead. I see the future so clearly. It is bright and beautiful. Why won't you come with me? You can't see it, even though it's right in front of your face.
No one will come with me. If I have to, I'll go alone. I'll enjoy it alone. Just don't pretend that you've earned any part of it. Don't pretend you were there all along. You're not here now, so you never were. Not when I needed it most.
Believe in me, for I am something to believe in. I falter often, but never fail. I am never too far from the truth. I am never so emerged in darkness that I cannot rediscover the light. I will change on you. If you think you know me, I will prove that you do not. You expect something of me. I will give you that, and then its opposite.
For too long I've been lazy. I've worked, but I haven't fought. Things seem too hard, or impossible, and so I let them be. I am upset that I don't feel like a man, and yet cannot call myself a boy anymore with a straight face. I cannot manage my life. I should be much better at this by now. I should stop waiting for someone to bail me out.
I have become my enemy, that which I hate the most. A person motivated by superficial concerns, like lust and comfort. I have become someone who does not always stand up for what he believes in, who wants a better world but doesn't try to make it one. I am the villains I encountered years ago, the knaves I swore I'd stand against until my dying breath. Have I breathed it yet? I don't think so. And so I must pick up my sword once more, and reemerge into the fray.
There are so many distractions, and random fragments of chance that seem cruel and taunting. There are near-misses that should be direct hits. I should not be where I am. I am smarter, stronger, and much better than this. There is something holding me back.
I have ideas. I have dreams and visions. Are they one and the same? I am so tired of seeing others go further with less. I've grown tired of seeing myself get nowhere, fall short, come out empty-handed. There is no good reason for it.
The time has come to teach myself that which I have not yet learned. No one will do it for me. For so long I've waited for a helping hand, an open palm that I can join with mine. Guidance. But it is not coming.
It is not coming because I am the guide. I'm surrounded by darkness because I am the light. There is no one to blaze the trail for me because no one else is headed my way. I am the only one.
I've been underestimated for so long. I miss the days when that wasn't the case.
Since then, I've been afraid to stand out too much, fearful that I wouldn't be able to fall back in line. I tried my hand at being ordinary, and accomplished it with astonishing ease. I understand the appeal, but I'm ready to leave it behind.
I feel things changing. There's been a shift. I'm discontent with the status quo. That in and of itself is nothing new, but I no longer want what I sought after yesterday. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of energy. It's a waste of me. It's common. I am not.
I am not what you think I am. Nor am I what I thought I was. But I am no less extraordinary. I may not be a leader. I may never wage a war. But this is a call to arms. I will handle all the weapons myself. Every...last...one.
The fight is mine and mine alone. You can come with me. You may jump on board. I'm going, with or without you. Accompanied or alone. I will not wait for you. Did you hear me? I will not waste another second waiting on you. You aren't worth it...nobody is. Nobody is worth a lifetime of waiting.
Knowledge only comes to those who seek it. I do, often, but in the strangest of ways. Now's the time for a good, old-fashioned education. Back to basics. First day of school. I'll sit in the only desk; I'll write the lesson plan up on the board. I'll discipline myself when I misbehave and I'll bring myself an apple, thank you. It's the only way to go.
Oh, there will be setbacks. I'll lose my way. I'll skip class. But mostly, I'll do my homework. I'll come prepared, and I'll leave even moreso. I must do more, much more, than I ever have done. Much more than anyone else. There will be no "one thing leading to another." All my things lead just one place. And when I get there, I will do my best to teach you what I know...teach everyone.
It's clear to me: what time it is. What day it is. All at once. I knew this wasn't a permanent phase...I knew it wasn't permanent damage...but I didn't know when it would stop. I think it has now.
I've been waiting so long...and now, just like that,the waiting is done.
"The others burn out so much faster than I do...I can go all night..."
This is the first day of school.
This is the first day of school.
I'm tired of waiting for other people to teach me what I want to know. So many others have stopped learning. Stopped growing. Stopped moving. And I, too, stand still.
But I do not want to remain motionless. I do not want to be here. I want to get where I've always been going, and I want to be there soon.
It is true - I am frustrated by other people. With a little help I could be so much further along. I can do just about anything, but I can't do much of it alone.
I am irritated by those with no vision, those who can't see ahead. I see the future so clearly. It is bright and beautiful. Why won't you come with me? You can't see it, even though it's right in front of your face.
No one will come with me. If I have to, I'll go alone. I'll enjoy it alone. Just don't pretend that you've earned any part of it. Don't pretend you were there all along. You're not here now, so you never were. Not when I needed it most.
Believe in me, for I am something to believe in. I falter often, but never fail. I am never too far from the truth. I am never so emerged in darkness that I cannot rediscover the light. I will change on you. If you think you know me, I will prove that you do not. You expect something of me. I will give you that, and then its opposite.
For too long I've been lazy. I've worked, but I haven't fought. Things seem too hard, or impossible, and so I let them be. I am upset that I don't feel like a man, and yet cannot call myself a boy anymore with a straight face. I cannot manage my life. I should be much better at this by now. I should stop waiting for someone to bail me out.
I have become my enemy, that which I hate the most. A person motivated by superficial concerns, like lust and comfort. I have become someone who does not always stand up for what he believes in, who wants a better world but doesn't try to make it one. I am the villains I encountered years ago, the knaves I swore I'd stand against until my dying breath. Have I breathed it yet? I don't think so. And so I must pick up my sword once more, and reemerge into the fray.
There are so many distractions, and random fragments of chance that seem cruel and taunting. There are near-misses that should be direct hits. I should not be where I am. I am smarter, stronger, and much better than this. There is something holding me back.
I have ideas. I have dreams and visions. Are they one and the same? I am so tired of seeing others go further with less. I've grown tired of seeing myself get nowhere, fall short, come out empty-handed. There is no good reason for it.
The time has come to teach myself that which I have not yet learned. No one will do it for me. For so long I've waited for a helping hand, an open palm that I can join with mine. Guidance. But it is not coming.
It is not coming because I am the guide. I'm surrounded by darkness because I am the light. There is no one to blaze the trail for me because no one else is headed my way. I am the only one.
I've been underestimated for so long. I miss the days when that wasn't the case.
Since then, I've been afraid to stand out too much, fearful that I wouldn't be able to fall back in line. I tried my hand at being ordinary, and accomplished it with astonishing ease. I understand the appeal, but I'm ready to leave it behind.
I feel things changing. There's been a shift. I'm discontent with the status quo. That in and of itself is nothing new, but I no longer want what I sought after yesterday. It's a waste of time. It's a waste of energy. It's a waste of me. It's common. I am not.
I am not what you think I am. Nor am I what I thought I was. But I am no less extraordinary. I may not be a leader. I may never wage a war. But this is a call to arms. I will handle all the weapons myself. Every...last...one.
The fight is mine and mine alone. You can come with me. You may jump on board. I'm going, with or without you. Accompanied or alone. I will not wait for you. Did you hear me? I will not waste another second waiting on you. You aren't worth it...nobody is. Nobody is worth a lifetime of waiting.
Knowledge only comes to those who seek it. I do, often, but in the strangest of ways. Now's the time for a good, old-fashioned education. Back to basics. First day of school. I'll sit in the only desk; I'll write the lesson plan up on the board. I'll discipline myself when I misbehave and I'll bring myself an apple, thank you. It's the only way to go.
Oh, there will be setbacks. I'll lose my way. I'll skip class. But mostly, I'll do my homework. I'll come prepared, and I'll leave even moreso. I must do more, much more, than I ever have done. Much more than anyone else. There will be no "one thing leading to another." All my things lead just one place. And when I get there, I will do my best to teach you what I know...teach everyone.
It's clear to me: what time it is. What day it is. All at once. I knew this wasn't a permanent phase...I knew it wasn't permanent damage...but I didn't know when it would stop. I think it has now.
I've been waiting so long...and now, just like that,the waiting is done.
"The others burn out so much faster than I do...I can go all night..."
This is the first day of school.