WESTERN PROMISES
*
Life lately has been a bit of whirlwind, and not because anything in particular is going on, but everything has changed. I'm an incredibly different person than I was a couple months ago, but I can't say that it's permanent. All I know is that for the first time in a long while, life has been very consistently very good. It's not the sort of thing that can last forever though, so I do wonder what's coming up in the near future and if it will also be good. Or will my life of leisure and virtual irresponsibility catch up with me? I've worked hard the past year, but not so hard that I can sit back and expect things to come easily. There are no real laurels to rest on, just a little gap of near-perfection between 2007 - not my favorite year, but overall, one of the most progressive - and the next thing. Whatever it might be.
After a highly eventful trip to Seattle, the first time I've ever created any semblance of my own life up there, I am now in Palm Springs at a film festival. The desert has always delighted me - it's beautiful out here, and so different from Los Angeles, and yet it retains that aspect of California beauty that enticed me down here in the first place: palm trees, blue skies, warm weather. I might be the youngest person in this city, so I don't think I could stay here long, but for now it's a nice slice of life, spending my days shopping and seeing movies and eating "the best hummus in the west" in a scaled-down cafe with free wireless while U2 plays on the radio.
About an hour ago, I was coming out of seeing a great movie, and driving along under the desert sun and it felt both impossible that this was my life and oddly familiar. Kind of like this moment was inevitable, my reward no matter what happened to me previously. I've had a few moments like this, driving to Malibu or wherever, usually with some good music playing. I realize that my life is mixed with a good dose of disappointments and complications, but in the strangest way I am living the life I wanted, and if I wanted to put a scene of perfection in a movie I'd shoot it exactly like this. Great moments have a way of letting you forgive every single bad one, and I know this won't last, but it's already gone longer than expected, and there are some exciting things in the near future too. (In just over a week I'll be at Sundance.)
Lately I've been wanting to hold onto moments that are only briefly a part of my life. I realize there are versions of me in other places, other lives I could live, maybe happier ones. Certainly happier than some of the lives I've lived in Los Angeles, though perhaps only because I do in fact live there. I want to seize one of these lives and live it for awhile, but I don't know if that's possible, because these are only moments. I have no context here, nothing to pursue, and of course I am not quite of age to retire. It's easy to imagine every step except for that ultimate question, What would I do? and in that area, I come up empty. Being a writer, I can do that anywhere, but it'll be a long while before I'm stable enough to balance work and travel effectively. If I even make that my career. With what's been happening, now's not quite the right time for a permanent change of scenery, even if that might be the most fulfilling thing I could do for myself at this juncture. The key will be in keeping it fresh, letting life remain an adventure, and that may or may not happen. 'Til then, this. Perhaps my recent seizure of days is just laziness, an inability to commit, a parade of distractions to keep from having to actually do anything...and if so, that's fine because it's fucking enjoyable. Or maybe it's something larger. I've learned a lot in the past year and yet I don't know exactly what, yet. Time will tell how 2007 shaped me for the better or the worse, what imprint it made in my ongoing chronicles. But for now, I'm here in limbo, a place where the things I'm hiding from have yet to find me.
It's nice, that when people ask how I am lately, to say that I am not fine, not good, but great. And mean it. For now, that alone is worth it. Consequences will come...probably. But I've lived so much of my life as if they're here already. I won't be that young for a great deal longer, and I haven't really been that young for a lot of my youth anyway. I've learned the hard way what regrets do. They come in many forms - from what we do, and what we don't do - and there's no sure way to be free of them. But the only thing I can't tolerate is for things to stay the same. I'm afraid of finding myself in a moment from the recent past, an outdated version of me. It could happen. I'm living like it will. It'd be nice if it didn't...to reach a place where, maybe, I didn't have to live as hard and as fast as I can to squeeze out every drop of greatness before it runs dry. Maybe one day things will be so different that I know it's not possible anymore. For now, though, I'm insecure in my happiness, unsure of who I am at the core these days. I'm pretty okay with that, though.
It's what I needed - for life to make good on some of its promises.
___________________________________________________________
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new
'Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here
I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Life lately has been a bit of whirlwind, and not because anything in particular is going on, but everything has changed. I'm an incredibly different person than I was a couple months ago, but I can't say that it's permanent. All I know is that for the first time in a long while, life has been very consistently very good. It's not the sort of thing that can last forever though, so I do wonder what's coming up in the near future and if it will also be good. Or will my life of leisure and virtual irresponsibility catch up with me? I've worked hard the past year, but not so hard that I can sit back and expect things to come easily. There are no real laurels to rest on, just a little gap of near-perfection between 2007 - not my favorite year, but overall, one of the most progressive - and the next thing. Whatever it might be.
After a highly eventful trip to Seattle, the first time I've ever created any semblance of my own life up there, I am now in Palm Springs at a film festival. The desert has always delighted me - it's beautiful out here, and so different from Los Angeles, and yet it retains that aspect of California beauty that enticed me down here in the first place: palm trees, blue skies, warm weather. I might be the youngest person in this city, so I don't think I could stay here long, but for now it's a nice slice of life, spending my days shopping and seeing movies and eating "the best hummus in the west" in a scaled-down cafe with free wireless while U2 plays on the radio.
About an hour ago, I was coming out of seeing a great movie, and driving along under the desert sun and it felt both impossible that this was my life and oddly familiar. Kind of like this moment was inevitable, my reward no matter what happened to me previously. I've had a few moments like this, driving to Malibu or wherever, usually with some good music playing. I realize that my life is mixed with a good dose of disappointments and complications, but in the strangest way I am living the life I wanted, and if I wanted to put a scene of perfection in a movie I'd shoot it exactly like this. Great moments have a way of letting you forgive every single bad one, and I know this won't last, but it's already gone longer than expected, and there are some exciting things in the near future too. (In just over a week I'll be at Sundance.)
Lately I've been wanting to hold onto moments that are only briefly a part of my life. I realize there are versions of me in other places, other lives I could live, maybe happier ones. Certainly happier than some of the lives I've lived in Los Angeles, though perhaps only because I do in fact live there. I want to seize one of these lives and live it for awhile, but I don't know if that's possible, because these are only moments. I have no context here, nothing to pursue, and of course I am not quite of age to retire. It's easy to imagine every step except for that ultimate question, What would I do? and in that area, I come up empty. Being a writer, I can do that anywhere, but it'll be a long while before I'm stable enough to balance work and travel effectively. If I even make that my career. With what's been happening, now's not quite the right time for a permanent change of scenery, even if that might be the most fulfilling thing I could do for myself at this juncture. The key will be in keeping it fresh, letting life remain an adventure, and that may or may not happen. 'Til then, this. Perhaps my recent seizure of days is just laziness, an inability to commit, a parade of distractions to keep from having to actually do anything...and if so, that's fine because it's fucking enjoyable. Or maybe it's something larger. I've learned a lot in the past year and yet I don't know exactly what, yet. Time will tell how 2007 shaped me for the better or the worse, what imprint it made in my ongoing chronicles. But for now, I'm here in limbo, a place where the things I'm hiding from have yet to find me.
It's nice, that when people ask how I am lately, to say that I am not fine, not good, but great. And mean it. For now, that alone is worth it. Consequences will come...probably. But I've lived so much of my life as if they're here already. I won't be that young for a great deal longer, and I haven't really been that young for a lot of my youth anyway. I've learned the hard way what regrets do. They come in many forms - from what we do, and what we don't do - and there's no sure way to be free of them. But the only thing I can't tolerate is for things to stay the same. I'm afraid of finding myself in a moment from the recent past, an outdated version of me. It could happen. I'm living like it will. It'd be nice if it didn't...to reach a place where, maybe, I didn't have to live as hard and as fast as I can to squeeze out every drop of greatness before it runs dry. Maybe one day things will be so different that I know it's not possible anymore. For now, though, I'm insecure in my happiness, unsure of who I am at the core these days. I'm pretty okay with that, though.
It's what I needed - for life to make good on some of its promises.
___________________________________________________________
I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new
'Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here
I cannot guess what we'll discover
We turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere